Have you ever compared photographs of the same person, taken fifteen or twenty years apart, and wondered what in the world happened? How could someone look so different because of a few passing years? Why do people age so dramatically?
The answer is simple: they had children.
We have two daughters, who are now in their twenties, and a son who is almost sixteen. I tell you this with more than a mild sense of surprise, because I never thought we’d all survive this long.
The girls were always several years ahead of themselves, as most girls are these days. Our younger daughter experienced her first boy-girl relationship when she was in kindergarten. She came home one day and told me that she’d broken up with her boyfriend. “I just don’t love him anymore,” she said, struggling to re-attach the left leg of one of her Barbie dolls. Our older daughter once received an arrangement of flowers, sent to our house by a boyfriend, when she was eleven. Both wanted to wear nail polish and lipstick well before my wife and I felt comfortable with it. Then they wanted their ears pierced. Then multiple piercings. Then tattoos. Most of all, they wanted to go to the mall. They always wanted to go to the mall, without us. We were never sure why. When we went to the mall, there never seemed to be much happening there. But we must have been missing something, because whenever we pointed this fact out to them they’d just breathe out really hard through their mouths and storm off.
And then, there were the friends. There is nothing more important to a teenager, and nothing more maddening for the parents, than the friends. Plans to go to a movie required a minimum of twelve calls back and forth, and even then, we were never sure what the arrangements were. Inevitably, the phone would ring around eleven-fifteen: “We thought Melissa’s mother was picking us up, but she can’t. Can you come and get us? And take Melissa and Jessica home? And can Danielle sleep over?”
Here’s a little thing that was probably nothing, but unsettling, nevertheless. Whenever my wife or I would pick up the phone and one of the girls was already on it with a friend, the conversation always stopped immediately. Dead silence. To this day I have never picked up the phone and heard one of our kids say a word, unless they were calling us to ask for something.
When the girls reached sixteen I taught them both to drive, but I can’t remember much about it. I’ve read that the mind has the ability to protect itself against trauma with an automatic amnesia response. This seems to be true, although I do occasionally have flashbacks of minivans headed straight for me in the side-view mirror.
At some point, it dawns on parents that they don’t really know where their kids are, and it’s another jolting experience. We knew what they told us, and we knew where we thought they were. But it was hard to be certain. That’s scary the first few times, because you start out with an infant and you have complete responsibility. As the child grows, you let out more and more line, but you remain in control. And then the line snaps and they’re on their own. For a while, you keep holding your end, unaware that the line has snapped. We thought we were still in control. One of the girls, at age seventeen, made us grandparents when we were still trying to figure out how to be parents.
We probably could have handled the teenage girl experience better, but pulling us in the opposite direction, like the gravity from some massive black hole, was our two-year-old son. He went through a period when he wouldn’t eat anything except the cat’s food and supermarket flyers, and he could take down a sheet of wallpaper in half the time it took us to put the cushions back on the couch. He especially enjoyed disappearing in a department store and hiding under a rack of pants. We always found him, relieved he hadn’t been snatched, but wanting to wring his neck just the same. Someone in the distant past coined the term Terrible Twos. I don’t know who it was, but I’m sure it was a parent. Most scientists believe that life as we know it will eventually be wiped out by a large object crashing into the earth, or by the sun exhausting its supply of hydrogen. I believe mankind will be annihilated by roving gangs of two-year-olds. They will hit us senseless with hard plastic toys. They will pour juice everywhere, causing all vital processes to get sticky and gradually come to a complete stop. They will tear up our books and take all the phones off the hook, and they will lose our car keys so we won’t be able to go for help.
People would sometimes ask us where our son got his energy. The only answer I could ever come up with was that he was well-rested. He had his own bed, and he went to sleep there every night. But he would eventually find his way into our bed. And for some reason, as he fell asleep, he would turn sideways between my wife and me, so that from above we must have looked like a large letter H. Then he would begin to hit me in the face with his feet and knees. Every night I would dream that I was sleeping with Chuck Norris. I’d never had this dream before, but then I never woke up with bruises before. In the morning, our son was again smart, cute, and funny, in part because he’d had a good night’s sleep. And each day I looked more and more like Woodrow Wilson.
Late night cramming for exams cut further into our sleep, as did one of the girls being out with our car past her curfew. Incoming phone calls in the middle of the night. Fights with boyfriends and the resulting depression or tantrums. And always, they needed something. As a parent, you know when a teenager needs something because they come straight at you, much like a minivan in the side-view mirror. They need money, they need a ride, they need to go to a party, they need to borrow something, they need and need and need. I often felt like that guy in The Birds. You know the one they find sitting on the floor in his house, his eyes are plucked out and he’s been pecked to death? I always wondered if he prepared for that scene by spending a week with teenagers.
Our son is now finishing the tenth grade. He has his own cell phone, which he needed so we “could always get in touch with him.” But teens know a cell phone can be turned off, and just like that the line begins to fray, and prepares to snap. We are there with him now, always thinking we know where he is, but never really sure. Unless he needs something else, and then we know exactly where he is.
Will we survive this ordeal? Yes. That’s part of the cruelty. Raising children doesn’t kill you directly. It’s more of a cumulative effect that takes years off at the other end. By that time, all of these little incidents will have faded from memory and everyone will blame our sudden demise on natural causes. They’ll say we just got old.
Our daughters both have boyfriends who come over to our house frequently for dinner. Our son brings home friends, and will soon be inviting girls over, too. Eventually every one of these visitors will spot an old photo of my wife and me, maybe one taken during our honeymoon. They will look from the picture, to us, then back again. Their faces will assume a puzzled expression, and they will silently wonder, “What in the world happened?”
It’s a long story.
Amiable Amiable
June 13, 2010
Great post!!! I laughed so much that I cried. Or maybe I cried because I can relate and it’s been traumatic? Or maybe they were tears of joy because my youngest is headed to college in the fall. Or maybe tears of sadness because when I go to get a tissue to wipe my eyes in the bathroom, I’ll wonder, “What in the world happened?” when I look at the old person in the mirror. I don’t know. I’m so confused, I can’t think straight. The kids did that to me, too. I’ll get even with them! From your post, “Buy now, die later,” I am upping my vino consumption so I can live to 100 and torment them. Payback is sweet.
LikeLike
Charles Gulotta
June 13, 2010
I think it’s just confusing. Raising children requires this constant adjustment by the parents as the kids mature. You always feel as though you’re balancing on one toe. But then there’s all the fun and happiness mixed in there, too, so when they’ve grown, your brain and heart don’t know what to make of it all. It’s a crazy thing, but we all keep doing it.
We just finished bottling some port wine we made from a kit. Have you ever done that? It’s fun.
LikeLike
Marie M
June 15, 2010
Spot on, Charles! Very enjoyable. Parents everywhere will relate.
LikeLike
Charles Gulotta
June 15, 2010
Thanks, Marie. I hope so.
LikeLike
Julia Harris
July 12, 2010
Roving gangs of two-year-olds! Chuck Norris! Ah, that which does not kill us makes us weaker and more infirm, like baseball cards whacked slowly and loudly to bits in the spokes of a child’s bike tires… Excellent observations and should be made required reading for anyone contemplating the idea of parenthood. I often say that my two sons are a community service announcement more effective than passing out free condoms to high schoolers.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
July 13, 2010
“…whacked slowly and loudly to bits…”
You said it all in six words. Perfect.
LikeLike
Jac
January 23, 2011
Oh my gosh, I don’t know HOW I missed this blog. You know that so far, I’ve only raised the one teenage girl, but am now on teenage boy # 5. The only way I can top what you’ve been through is that if I posted all my boys’ “activities”, there would be many mentions of cops, bailbondsman, court appearances, probation officers and community service. But other than that, your story could be mine.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
This is a pretty old post, so I don’t know how you found it. And after reading your list of activities, I feel a little older myself. I still think you should start your own blog.
LikeLike
Margaret Reyes Dempsey
February 24, 2011
Awwwww, I remember the letter H nights. In hindsight it doesn’t seem so bad. At the time it was like being kicked repeatedly by a nasty mule while hanging on to the edge of a cliff. And that was in a king-sized bed.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
February 28, 2011
Anything that interferes with rest seems much worse than it is. My son kicked me a lot when I was awake, too, and it hardly bothered me at all.
LikeLike
Brown Sugar Britches
July 20, 2011
i’ve just aged. my son is four and just realized that i’m a girl. it seemed to take years off his life. as if he realized that i was part of the larger scheme of things and certain that i have a part in the plot of his demise. aahhhhhh, children. yes, indeed.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
August 3, 2011
I guess it’s good that we don’t remember that traumatic time when we realize we have to share our parents with the rest of the world. But as parents, we never forget that moment — usually on the first day of school — when it dawns on us that we have to share our kids with the world. The process of gradually letting go is brutal. But then, the teenage years help ease the pain of separation, and can even make us wish it would go faster.
Enjoy that vacation, BSB!
LikeLike
Wyrd Smythe
January 25, 2013
Apparently being president of the USA also ages one very rapidly!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 26, 2013
It would be an interesting study to see how the losers of presidential elections have aged in the same time period.
LikeLike
Wyrd Smythe
January 26, 2013
Oh, good question!!
Well, John McCain isn’t dead yet!
LikeLike