Do You Ever Do This?

Posted on June 14, 2010


On busy days I make lists of the things I need to do. Sometimes I add something to the list that I’ve already done, just so I can cross it off. This makes me feel productive and neurotic at the same time.

When taking a shower, I’ll drop the soap. If I’m trying to get finished quickly, I’ll drop the soap several times. In fact, the more of a hurry I’m in, the more times I’ll drop the soap.

I wait impatiently for something to toast. Five minutes may go by before I notice the toaster isn’t plugged in.

I wave to someone, then realize they’re waving to the person behind me. I immediately decide the only logical solution is to never wave to anyone ever again.

Sometimes I choke on absolutely nothing. This is somewhat more frightening than tripping over nothing. And it’s slightly less confusing than asking someone to repeat what they just said and having them answer, “I didn’t say anything.”

When I’m trying to walk across a busy street, I find that the drivers are rude and inconsiderate. But as soon as I get into my car, I get really annoyed at all those pedestrians trying to cross the street.

I prepare speeches for certain situations, such as when I’m expecting someone to give me a hard time. Then when they’re perfectly agreeable and accommodating, I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be able to use the speech.

I lose my wallet so completely that I can’t imagine ever being able to intentionally hide it that well.

When the power goes off, I still try to turn on the light in the bathroom, and then I’m momentarily surprised that it stays dark. Even if I remind myself on the way in, I still automatically flip the switch.

I occasionally walk around all day with a fabric softener sheet hanging out of the bottom of my pants. That night I mentally retrace my steps, trying to remember who might have seen me. Then I add a new item to tomorrow’s list: “Check pants before leaving house.”