This is a dumb post. It isn’t really about anything except a car door, a small chunk of ice, and a seat belt. And to a minor degree, Thomas Edison, but that’s really pushing it.
Let’s start at the beginning.
I had big plans when I got up Friday morning. I made a list of what I was going to do, even allotting each item a specific amount of time. My son, Shaun, had a math test, and because he’d worked so hard studying the day and night before, I told him to get a little extra sleep and promised to drive him to school. Then I’d head right home and start attacking that list.
We left at 8:20. It was cold and snowing lightly, that kind of fluffy snow you see in movies and think, “Wow, that looks fake.” It was exactly that kind of snow. I got into the car and started the engine. Shaun got in on the passenger side and pulled the door closed. Only the door didn’t close. It made a thumping sound, as though something were hanging down outside the car from the inside. He checked, but there was nothing there. I got out and walked around to the other side and looked. I didn’t see anything that would prevent the door from closing. But then I checked the latch and when I pressed on it, I saw that it was jammed. When we tried to close the door, the latch just kept bumping into the thing it’s supposed to catch on. Now it was 8:25. The bus was long gone and Shaun had to get to school for his test. I asked him to hand me a ballpoint pen. I fiddled around with that for about a minute, trying to unjam the latch with it, but all that did was bend the pen.
I got back in the car and told Shaun to hold the door closed as much as he could. Even with him pulling hard, there was at least a one-inch gap of daylight and frigid air coming in, so I turned the heat on High and set it to blow right on us. Then I drove him to school, more slowly than I normally would, which helped him keep the door up against the side of the car and helped me try to come up with some way of getting back home by myself with a passenger door that wouldn’t shut.
After we arrived at school and Shaun got out, I considered getting the rope I had in the trunk. But the armrest wasn’t open at the bottom, so there was no way to loop anything through it. My only other option, it seemed, was to hold the door closed while I drove. I leaned way over to the right and pulled on the armrest, to see if I could reach. Then, with my left hand on the steering wheel and my right hand tugging on the passenger door, I began the eight-mile trip home.
Within minutes I began to encounter several sources of discomfort. For one, the lid to the hard plastic storage compartment between the front seats was pressing into my ribs. For another, the heat, by now a frightful temperature, was blowing full blast directly into my left ear. I was on a major road with school buses behind me and more buses passing in the opposite direction. It was still snowing and the roads were covered with slush, which the buses were launching onto my windshield at an impressive rate. The windshield wiper control, of course, was to the right of the steering wheel, requiring me to let go with my left hand and reach over the wheel to flick it on. Very soon the windshield wipers were smearing dry, gray streaks all over the place and it was getting hard to see. It was almost impossible to pull on the wiper control to squirt washer fluid, and the one time I managed to do it the stuff shot right over the roof and landed on the back window. Also, because the door was partly open, it was now snowing inside the car. When the snow met up with the hot air from the heater, it melted immediately, so while my left ear was almost in flames, the rest of me was cold and wet.
About a half-mile down the road I thought of wrapping the seat belt around the door handle and then buckling the belt. This idea worked beautifully in my mind. And in fact it worked in practice too, and I kept looking at the road and then back at the door, each time swelling with pride and hoping Shaun would meet the challenge of his math test with equal mastery. But then I made a left turn at the stop sign and the door flew open, I suppose because of some law of physics that I was now much too tense to identify. Pulling over to the side of the road to let fourteen school buses go by, I unbuckled the belt and wrapped it around the handle again. But this time I wrapped it around twice and pulled on it, hard. It seemed as though it wouldn’t slip off anymore, and I again felt that thrill of snatching a solution out of thin air. I thought this must be what it feels like to invent something important, going through that process of trial-and-error, like Edison coming up with the incandescent bulb. Back on the road, I immediately realized that I’d missed my chance to turn down the heat, but at least I could now sit up straight, and so my face was in much less danger of being incinerated.
I planned my route home to get there with as few left turns as possible. When I did have to turn, I could feel the door trying to break free. By now the younger kids were standing at their bus stops and I worried that the door would swing open at just the wrong moment, like a flipper on a giant pinball machine, and take out three or four second-graders in one swipe. To avoid this, I pulled hard on the seat belt with a constant force. My right hand was beginning to turn blue, either from the cold or from the complete lack of blood circulation; I wasn’t sure. Also, my entire arm felt as though I’d just done three years’ worth of isometrics. When I finally pulled into the driveway at home, I tried to let go of the seat belt, but my arm remained extended straight out for several seconds.
About an hour later I repeated most of this procedure and drove to the service department of the car dealership. They determined that some ice behind the latch was the problem, sprayed some de-icer into the jammed mechanism, and within three minutes had the door closed. Then I returned home — warm, dry, and relaxed. My arm still hurt and my neck was a little sore, and I probably had second-degree burns inside my ear. But I also had a new-found appreciation for the luxury of two free hands.
As I said, this isn’t really about anything, except a car door, a small chunk of ice, and a seat belt. And the ingenuity of Thomas Edison inventing the light bulb, only without any of the brightness.
In fact, you’ve heard the expression Dumb as a post? I think this is the one they meant.
Allison
January 22, 2011
This happened to me in Maine a few times! Luckily, there was always two of us in the car, so one person could try to hold the door closed until it unthawed. I think the seat belt idea was pretty brilliant. I never would have though of that! I can’t wait for Tyler to read this!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
I thought it was pretty smart, too, until I read the comment from shoreacres (below). Now I’m wondering if I’ll remember her suggestion the next time I need it. Seems doubtful.
LikeLike
shoreacres
January 22, 2011
If you hadn’t brought up Edison, I probably wouldn’t have thought “Dim bulb”, but hey! That’s just word association, not a judgment on your problem-solving abilities.
Actually, the seat-belt solution was ingenious, and perhaps even genius. The only thing I wonder is: why not get your rope, roll down the window an inch, tie a bowline around the strip of door frame above the window and then tie off the rope somewhere in the car? It might have been slightly colder and snowier, but it would have been hands-free.
Everyone has their stories. One of my southern-raised friends who was forced to Minnesota still hasn’t gotten over learning that you don’t use boiling water to clear ice from your windshield when it’s ten degrees. Nope, you sure don’t. 😉
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
There’s a good explanation for why I didn’t lower the window and tie the rope around the door frame: I never thought of it. Now that would have been a flash of brilliance. And I am feeling like a dim bulb, but it’s a familiar feeling. At least I’ve never poured boiling water onto a frozen windshield. Thanks, Linda.
LikeLike
Priya
January 23, 2011
Hardly a dumb post, Charles!
a. It shows yours (and Shaun’s) bravery. I’d never have survived hot-air-incineration connived by my own car.
b. It mentions Edison.
c. It has the most illustrative pictures possible. (Especially since they were taken while you were ‘in the eye of the storm’.)
d. Your seat belt idea could make most of us make-it-work-by-hook-or-crook Indians bite dust.
Bravo!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
I think this whole episode was just a harmless example of how most of life’s biggest challenges are caused by small (and sometimes invisible) things. That’s why we usually don’t see them coming.
Really? You liked my pictures?
LikeLike
Noreen
January 23, 2011
I like the part about the door swinging open and taking out 3-4 kids with one swipe. Not that I like the thought of that actually happening, just the comic visual. I really love children. Well most of them. Well, the ones I know. Well, maybe just our family. Well, maybe just my grandchildren.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
Thanks, Noreen. I’m glad I could provide a temporary distraction. You’re in my thoughts every day.
LikeLike
Val Erde
January 23, 2011
I’m with Noreen on the taking out 3-4 kids with one swipe. You can tell I’m not a mother, can’t you?
😉
Not a dumb post… not even a dumb fence or a dumb hedge. And thank you for the visual exploration of your car. Now can we see the back seat and the passenger seat? And the glove compartment. (Why is it called a glove compartment? Did people keep their gloves there?)
So – did Shaun pass his test? And how are your achey bits?
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
I think people used to wear gloves while driving because of inadequate (or total lack of) heat. The glove compartment in our car is so crammed with stuff, I doubt I could fit a pair of gloves in it.
Not sure about the test result, but he has three final exams this week. I better go buy some de-icer. And my aches are all gone.
Thanks, Val.
LikeLike
Jessica Sieghart
January 23, 2011
This isn’t a dumb story! In fact, it’s just the opposite. It completely demonstrates your “MacGyver cleverness”. I know he’s no Edison, but he was certainly inventive in times of trouble. The same thing happens with one of the sliding doors on my minivan. The first time it happened, I, too, tried to have my daughter hold the door closed but she’d lose it on every left hand turn. Fearful that I’d toss a van load of cheerleaders tumbling into the street, I navigated to our location making only right hand turns. Now I keep a can of that lock de-icer on hand all the time.
It’s funny that you said the snow didn’t look real. We were saying the same thing with our snow last week. The flakes were enormous and it just looked incredibly fluffy as it accumulated on the ground. Ours fell at night and when lights hit it, it looked glittery, too. Beautiful, but it’s still snow that needs to be shoveled! Yuck!
Yeah, I want to know, too! What was the outcome of Shaun’s test?
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
I guess I should consider myself lucky. I’ve had about a dozen cars and have been driving for more than three decades, and this has never happened before. That’s why I thought the problem was more serious than a piece of ice. Maybe cars should come equipped with hair dryers, and really long extension cords. (Another brilliant idea!)
If Shaun gets at least a 75, I’ll let you know.
LikeLike
Snoring Dog Studio
January 23, 2011
Oh, Charles – this is one of the occasions while reading posts, that I laughed out loud! One of the most entertaining I’ve ever ever read, without a doubt. I stayed with you during the entire journey. At one point, I reached up and felt my own ear. Your persevering in the face of truculent nature and technology was inspiring. And your storytelling ability– the words chosen, the phrases arranged just so – well, gush, gush, gush. Thank you.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
Thank you, SDS. I appreciate your positive feedback and encouragement. And I have to say that your blog deserves the same kind of response. I’ve enjoyed every post I’ve read there over the past couple of months. Great work!
http://snoringdogstudio.wordpress.com/
LikeLike
Jac
January 23, 2011
Certainly not a dumb post. I think what I like best about your stories (besides the excellent writing style and the universal humor) is that I “see” all the things that happen to you, like a video. It’s like watching good TV (oxymoron?) and it doesn’t cost anything. Another thing that always strikes me, since I have known you for 51 years, is that you are one of the smartest people I know and yet, these crazy (and yes, dumb) things happen to you on what seems like, a daily basis.
God has such a GREAT sense of humor….
PS to Noreen – You do like MY kids, right??
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2011
Thanks, Jac. Judging from the comments, I guess a lot of these dumb things happen to everyone, and that’s comforting.
LikeLike
Amy @ Soul Dipper
January 23, 2011
You talented man! Any ordinary person would have cursed the stress and used it as an excuse to take the day off from writing. Not you! I’m willing to bet you could write about an earthworm making its way across sandy pavement.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
I’ll give it a try, Amy. But if that post turns out to be even dumber than this one, it’ll be your fault.
LikeLike
souldipper
January 27, 2011
I’ll take the risk!! 🙂
LikeLike
Melinda
January 23, 2011
What a great story! I know this isn’t funny at all, but I was giggling at the picture saying “This happened every time I made a left turn….It’s called a simulation.” Oh boy what a predicament. Never do these things happen on a nice sunny day. I’m terrified when driving in snow and slush and am glad those days are behind me (Florida). I have no idea how you did that one handed! Your ingenuity is impressive. This leads me to think they need an emergency door lock that would manually hold the door closed in case of such an emergency. Glad you made it home safely with the door and any pedestrians still intact. I have to imagine the nerves were pretty shot after that incident.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
That’s actually a good idea, Melinda. Some kind of back-up contraption that would hold the door in place. One of us should post it, then wait for Toyota or GM to steal it and sue them for millions! (I always knew this blogging thing would lead to something big.)
LikeLike
Betty Londergan
January 23, 2011
I don’t know how you manage to absolutely SLAY me with your stories of mundane challenges in the course of everyday life, but it’s just a total joy — I laugh out loud almost EVERY single post! THANKS!!!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
I think some of your talent must have rubbed off on me when I read (and then re-read) your book, The Agony and the Agony (Raising Your Teenager without Losing Your Mind).
LikeLike
Allan Douglas
January 23, 2011
LOL.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh; (OK, yes I do) I’m sure it was not fun trying to drive home playing Stretch Armstrong across your car, driving along slushy roads populated by busses. That had to be no fun. I’m glad you found a work-around.
This is exactly why we Southerners always, and I mean always, have the best miracle fix-it tool ever invented in our trunk… Duct Tape!
I don’t think Edison invented it, but I think he did some preliminary design sketches that led to it’s development.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
You know, Allan, there’s a large plastic box in the trunk with a snap-on lid. What it should contain is a screwdriver, WD-40, a can of de-icer, jumper cables, a working flashlight, and some of your amazing duct tape. Here’s what it does contain: two red umbrellas (never used), a roll of black screening, styrofoam cups, three pencils, some plastic forks and spoons, and sunscreen. (You’ll probably find this hard to believe, but I was never a Boy Scout.)
LikeLike
mirroredImages
January 23, 2011
ok, this is funny. i sorta wish you’d taken out a few kids with your left turns, but that’s because i’m mean.
but what really makes me laugh is this: I thought you had such a long list of things to accomplish, and yet you took the time to photodocument your entire car escapade?:)
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
Sometimes the unexpected thing moves right to the top of the list. You know that as well as I do.
LikeLike
arborfamiliae
January 23, 2011
One more good reason to always have a big roll of duct tape available.
Funny story. Very well written, as always.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
Allan mentioned duct tape, too. How would you have used it in this situation? (I have that feeling, once again, that I’m missing the obvious.)
LikeLike
arborfamiliae
January 24, 2011
Duct tape fixes anything, right? I’m sure there’s many ways duct tape could have been employed in this situation to get you through. I’m no expert (I probably would have just told Shaun he wasn’t going to school that day).
But, if I had to suggest one way a big roll of duct tape could have solved your problem: perhaps you could have put the front window and back window down a few inches each. Then wrap duct tape through the window frames (thus securing the door to the frame of the car). It still would have been a chilly trip and you may have had some stickiness to clean off of the door window frames, but it might have held the door shut long enough to make your trip (especially if you wrapped it tightly several times around).
However, it would have caused this funny blog post to have never existed, and that would have been a shame.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 25, 2011
I can visualize your solution. The tape could have even been wrapped around with the sticky side facing out. Then all I would have had to do was cut the tape away. Thanks, Kevin. I’ll be ready next time. For that problem, anyway.
LikeLike
Amiable Amiable
January 23, 2011
This is not a dumb post! This is right up there with the video camera post that made me laugh out loud as I read it, and each time I think about it! Yup, this and the video camera post are my favorites – which is not easy to say since I love all of your posts and they all make me laugh loud and long and clear (a la Mary Poppin’s Uncle Albert).
And, as I scared one of my two cats with my laughing while reading the video camera post, I just disturbed Dewey’s slumber with my he-he-he-he-he. Make that bwaa-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m sorry to laugh at your trials and tribulations, Charles. But … but … but … they’re so funny! I’m so glad you didn’t lose Shaun out the door on the way to school, or take out kids on the way home! LOL!
I have a history of laughing at other people’s misfortune. Take my husband, please! This week, trying to wheel our garbage pail from the curb to our garage along our icy driveway, he slipped and landed his head and half of his body inside the container, sprawled out on our driveway! Okay, I have to bwaa-ha-ha-ha-ha again thinking about it.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2011
You know, AA, finding humor in the troubles of others is a sure sign of a deviant personality. (By any chance, did you happen to get a picture of your husband with his head in the container? I could use a good laugh, too.)
LikeLike
arborfamiliae
January 24, 2011
It borders on schadenfreude. But we all indulge a little schadenfreude now and then. Deviant sounds so bad.
I know the visual imagery I had playing in my head while reading this post was certainly enjoyable.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 25, 2011
And I know AA. Deviant is definitely the right word. Still, it was nice of you to stick up for her.
LikeLike
notesfromrumbleycottage
January 24, 2011
Stop it, stop it. You are making me laugh at work – out loud!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 25, 2011
Should you be reading blogs at work?
LikeLike
notesfromrumbleycottage
January 25, 2011
Probably not! But what a needed laugh.
LikeLike
magsx2
January 24, 2011
Hi,
Not a dumb post at all, I thought it was a fantastic post, and what an interesting way of keeping the car door shut, you certainly get 10 out of 10 for coming up with that one. 😆
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 25, 2011
Thanks, but it seems pretty clear now that there were better solutions. I appreciate the comment though.
LikeLike
dearrosie
January 24, 2011
I think most of us living in the frozen north have faced frozen car locks and will never forget the de-icer (I learned after many winters in Canada) but very few of us would make it into such a funny story or illustrate it so brilliantly! Congratulations. Also congrats on being such a devoted father. I love my kids but I don’t think I would’ve done the trip to school – 8 miles?- knowing I’d have to drive home alone! You didn’t mention whether Shaun fell over himself thanking you?!!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 25, 2011
“You didn’t mention whether Shaun fell over himself thanking you?!!”
You’re kidding, right? I know you’re kidding.
LikeLike
icedteawithlemon
January 25, 2011
I am in awe of your ability to turn the most ordinary experiences into the most fantastic stories! You make me realize that I need to open my eyes wider and pay closer attention to the world around me–what story opportunities am I missing? Great post!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 26, 2011
I have to fight that tendency, too, to gloss over things. Detail seems to be the key. But you already knew that. I can tell from your blog.
LikeLike
Damyanti
January 26, 2011
You made me laugh :D. And while I would have been swearing and cussing in such a situation, you took pictures!
Speaks oodles about your positive attitude, not to mention your devotion to blogging 🙂
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 26, 2011
A video camera would have more accurately revealed my attitude, and you might not have been so impressed. I’m glad you liked the post and I look forward to reading your blog. Thanks!
LikeLike
Margaret Reyes Dempsey
January 26, 2011
Even MacGyver must have had some bad days, no? Glad the ballpoint pen didn’t do damage to something that just needed a bit of de-icing.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 27, 2011
Am I the only person in North America who’s never watched MacGyver? He must have been busy with more important things than trying to close his car door (I just looked it up and the show was on for seven seasons).
Thanks for the comment, Margaret. I’m looking forward to reading your blog.
LikeLike
Earth Ocean Sky Redux
January 27, 2011
I keep a small bottle of spray de-icer in the trunk emergency kit now. I only thought to buy it after coming home from a vacation once, the car left parked outside at the airport for a week+ during some brutal storms. The front half car was covered in ice, almost like a sheath, and I had no scraper, no broom, no de-icer. All I found in the trunk was a smelly sneaker, which I can attest, does NOT do a thing to remove snow and ice. A man parked near me had a scraper and brush and I asked nicely if I could use them when he was done, even offered to buy them, but he, an arrogant sort, said no, and left. Sheesh. I can add that swearing loudly does not help the matter. Thanks to an airport garage employee who took pity on this now crying mess of a person, I got the car cleaned and unfrozen enough to get in and drive home. The next day I bought a scraper, a brush, and the de-icer. Have I used it since? No, but I am prepared!! I suspect your chore list now has “buy de-icer”????
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 27, 2011
No, I already have de-icer. I keep it in the house, because I thought if I put it anywhere inside the car and the locks were frozen, how would I get it out? Of course, I have no idea where it is and will probably never see it again. But on the positive side, look how long it’s lasted.
LikeLike
dearrosie
January 27, 2011
That’s exactly what I thought. If you keep the de-icer in the trunk and the locks freeze, how are you going to open the trunk? After I had the experience of frozen locks I kept a bottle in my purse but after sitting there for months and months without being used the cap came off…oh god what a mess.
LikeLike
Earth Ocean Sky Redux
January 27, 2011
To clarify, I have an SUV so I could climb back from the front seat if I had to to access the emergency kit. Not that I would. Well, not even that I could, but you get the drift.
LikeLike
cooperstownersincanada
January 30, 2011
What an ordeal! I feel your pain, but the way you tell the story is hilarious. I had the same problem with my car door one day and called my dad and he was able to fix it. You were much more creative! Your determination is admirable.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 30, 2011
Thanks, Kevin, but if you read some of the other comments you’ll see that my creativity didn’t go off in the best direction. I guess I’ll know for next time.
LikeLike
Anna
October 17, 2011
Loved this nonsensical post…everything must not be brilliant or clever, fun works so well!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
October 20, 2011
Thank you, Anna. My life seems to teem with such nonsense.
LikeLike
buckwheatsrisk
February 24, 2012
I was thinking about the seat belt and the door handle by the way…
How you manage to take a mundane, even irritating situation and make it so interesting is awesome, so funny too…I love my “Mostly Bright Ideas” fix everyday, it never ceases to make me laugh! Glad the car door is fixed, and yet again, you seem to need a new pen! 😉
LikeLike
bronxboy55
October 27, 2012
Buckwheat, you must have posted a bunch of comments at a time when I was really preoccupied with something else. Sorry for the delay, and thank you for the nice words.
LikeLike
buckwheatsrisk
October 27, 2012
no worries!
LikeLike
Chichina
April 11, 2013
OMG…… You had me in stitches……..
LikeLike
bronxboy55
April 11, 2013
I had forgotten about these older posts. Actually, when I read them now, I cringe a little. Do you know what I mean?
LikeLike
Chichina
April 12, 2013
I loved it!
LikeLike