There was a bridge in Connecticut called the Bridge Street Bridge. I was almost certain of it. But sometimes I remember events that never happened, things that never existed, and conversations that never took place. So I did an online search just to make sure. Not only is the bridge really there, but I was surprised to learn there are bridges with that same name in at least three other states.
This bothered me a little, I guess because Americans have never lacked imagination, especially when it comes to naming places. There are towns in the United States like Slicklizzard, Alabama. Talking Rock, Georgia. Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky.
I understand that what we decide to call things can be a complicated process, and I often wonder how an agreement is ever reached. In the case of the bridge, I imagine there was a meeting. When the subject of the unnamed span came up, it led to a flurry of insightful and creative ideas.
“You know, we haven’t even named the road that leads to the bridge yet.”
“Well, the road has a bridge at the end of it. Why don’t we call it Bridge Street?”
“That’s perfect! And if the bridge is on Bridge Street, maybe we should just name it the Bridge Street Bridge.”
“Meeting adjourned!”
Technically and for the sake of accuracy, the road should have then been renamed Bridge Street Bridge Boulevard, or something. If I were ever invited to one of those meetings, I would push hard for that. And if the Bridge Naming Committee decided to adopt my suggestion, I would then recommend revising the name of the bridge to Bridge Street Bridge Boulevard Bridge. But first I would go into the sign business.
Whenever I look at a globe or an atlas, I wonder how some of those places got named. I mean, if deciding what to call an obscure bridge is difficult, what about really big things? Who named the Dzhugdzhur Mountains in Russia, and how long did it take to settle on the correct spelling? What about the Alps? Were they in a hurry with that one? Was the atlas going to press and they had to come up with something right away? Or maybe the map was really jammed with names and that’s all they had room for. There must have been millions of people living on all sides of those mountains. They couldn’t have all called them by the same name. Who decided? How many meetings did they have? And in what language?
According to my sixth-grade history teacher, an explorer named Vasco Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean in 1513, and named it. That’s a big ocean. Did it really not have a name until Balboa got there? How did it go undiscovered for so long? There were plenty of people in China and the Philippines and eastern Australia and Hawaii. Did no one notice this big body of water nearby? And if they did, why didn’t anyone think to give it a name? I bet they must have, and a lot of people probably resented this guy Balboa showing up in his fancy helmet and deciding to call it the Pacific. Not much later, Balboa was put on trial, convicted, and decapitated. The history books say his crime was treason, but really, I think he was executed for being too pushy. Before he tried to name the ocean, he should have had a meeting and at least made an attempt to listen to other suggestions. Probably if he had called it the Ocean of Many Equally Valid and Lovely Names, he might have kept his head, and his helmet. (By the way, don’t confuse Vasco Balboa with Rocky Balboa. Both were explorers, but Rocky’s claim to fame was his discovery that if you’re a boxer and you let your opponent punch you in the head hundreds of times, he will eventually get tired and you can beat him, even though your face is purple and bloated and your eyes have fallen out.)
What about the very big places? Who named the Earth? Was there a list of some sort that people voted on? Was Earth really the best they could come up with? I’d hate to see what kinds of pathetic names they rejected. “Earth” seems like the sound you might make when you swallow wrong. Maybe the world’s top cartographers were all at the meeting and when they asked the head guy what they should call the planet, he started to choke on his apple danish and they just misunderstood.
My earliest curiosity about how certain decisions get made occurred when I noticed that plain M&Ms came in a variety of colors, including tan. Peanut M&Ms came in the same variety, except for tan. How many meetings must there have been to make that decision? What were the arguments, for and against tan? Then in 1976, red M&Ms disappeared and were replaced by orange because some people thought red dye number 2 was unhealthy. I’m not sure who these people were, but apparently the green, yellow, brown, and orange dyes seemed nutritious to them. In 1995, blue M&Ms were introduced and tan was discontinued. If I had one chance to travel back in time, I would go straight to that meeting and tell them they had lost their minds. Really? Blue?
While I was traveling in the past, I would also go to the childhood home of the woman who invented speed bumps, and I would assassinate her. Or at least yell at her a lot. (It had to be a woman, by the way. No man would have ever come up with a crazy idea like that, especially one that involved slowing down.)
And what about milk? As far as I know, all mammals produce milk. Yet somehow cow’s milk is the default. How did that happen? When exactly did we vote? Any other milk is identified by the animal that produced it: goat’s milk, horse’s milk, giraffe’s milk. I don’t know anyone who would drink giraffe’s milk. Suggest the milk of any other animal to someone you know and watch the face they make. We don’t even drink human milk once we’re old enough to read labels. And speaking of labels, I bet if you put the words Cow Milk on the carton, we’d think twice about drinking that. Unless, of course, we happened to live in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky.
Betty Londergan
October 26, 2010
You are so ORIGINAL — why did I never wonder who named Earth??? I think you’d feel very comfortable in Atlanta, since everything here is named Peachtree — and that is so annoying, you can’t believe it. As you’re trying to figure out if you’re supposed to be on Peachtree Road, Boulevard, Lane, Place, Drive, Chase, Circle, Street, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, etc. etc. … you wish the stupid people would have just opened the dictionary and picked another WORD — like Dzhugdzhur — just so you’d have a clue where you’re supposed to be. As for speed bumps — hey, they just put them in on my street and I agree — they are a colossal drag!!
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2010
I guess they have the same tendency everywhere. We live on a small island in Canada, the smallest province, actually. Yet there are two towns here named Brooklyn. (Why is there even one?) And most of our speed bumps are in parking lots. I think they were installed by the same person who owns the local Midas franchise — by the time you park your car, you need a wheel alignment, and probably a spinal adjustment, as well.
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heidit
October 26, 2010
So funny and true! And, although you may not know it, timely. Why? Because just in the last year, a collection of waterways in the Pacific northwest region (including Puget Sound and Juan de Fuca Strait and Strait of Georgia) have been collectively named the Salish Sea, to honor the First Nations groups that originally lived here. They don’t lose the individual names, but collectively will be the Salish Sea.
Furthermore, there is a big push here to rename Vancouver International Airport as Terry Fox Airport (I’m neutral on the subject).
I’ve often wondered what the First Nations people thought of our need to name things, especially our need to name things after ourselves. I bet they rolled their eyes a lot.
I’ve also wondered about the naming of arenas, sports divisions and so on after companies as opposed to after people. Of course, the people they’re named after aren’t always the most ethical people anyhow, so does it matter if the arena is named after a union buster or a communications company? These are the philosophical dilemmas I struggle with as I contemplate the meaning of life.
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2010
I’m always amazed by how many ways we manage to chop up the oceans into smaller units, and then insist on naming each one. Look at a map of the Mediterranean sometime. I guess it was helpful when sailing was the main mode of transportation.
I’m neutral, too, but it seems to me that Vancouver International Airport is a more precise name. Also, what if other airports wanted to change their name to Terry Fox? Could they? Is everyone going to end up in Sydney, NS? I don’t like the word Salish, by the way. It sounds uncertain.
Look at the bright side, Heidi: at least we’ll never run out of philosophical dilemmas.
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mirroredImages
October 26, 2010
first there’s never been a meeting i’m sorry to have missed. i hate meetings. second, you spend a lot of time wondering about things most people don’t even notice; that’s a great gift! third: speed bumps. surely these things started out as an error in some MAN’s application of pavement to a roadway and then his wife, to make him feel better, likely said “It’s ok, honey, we can use this awkward lump as a way to control the speed with which cars bomb through our neighborhood!” voila. in tennessee, btw, they call those “sleeping policemen” and in a friend’s neighborhood here in ohio, they’re called “traffic calming”
ha. they don’t calm me at all.
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2010
You could be right about the speed bumps being the result of a mistake; many inventions are. I just wish they had named them after the person responsible, the way an illness is named after the first person to identify it. Speed bumps could have been the Addison’s Disease of driving.
Sleeping policemen? (“Hey, slow down, there’s a sleeping policeman in the road up ahead.”) I think speed bumps could be their own post. What do you think? (It’s all yours.)
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Marie M
October 26, 2010
Very good, BronxBoy. I especially liked your theory of Earth’s naming. “Swallow[ing] wrong”? Sounds about right to me!
Full disclosure, if also TMI: I have signed a Nonviolence Pledge, but in spite of that, I believe I could be persuaded without too much effort to spend my assassination allotment on the guy (and it had to be a guy, by the way) who invented brassieres. And on the first coterie of women who encouraged him by wearing them. What were they thinking??
OK, fuller disclosure: For anyone interested, I just learned that Snopes.com gives an illuminating if somewhat distressing history of my least favorite undergarment. And it appears that several women were instrumental in creating it. Now I’m both disappointed and deflated.
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bronxboy55
October 28, 2010
Swallow incorrectly. I know, I went back and forth on that one. “Swallow wrong” sounded funnier to me.
Assassination allotment? I didn’t say that, but it’s a great idea. One a year, penalty-free? I’m already working on my list.
I thought the guy’s name was Brassiere. No such person? Maybe it was another mistake — a man trying to invent some instrument of torture.
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Patricia
October 28, 2010
Too funny Charles 🙂 I so enjoy your posts. Here in Oz there is debate about renaming or more correctly going back to some original names of places.
Our first nation people had already named a lot of places before the British settled here. So a few places like Ayers Rock is back to Uluru and now there is talk of why we shouldn’t go back to other aboriginal names.
Patricia Perth Australia
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bronxboy55
October 28, 2010
At least people are discussing it. I don’t think you’ll ever have unanimous agreement on anything.
Thanks for the comment.
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Mitch
October 28, 2010
You are killing me! I’m sure you’ve heard David Brenner’s take on the bravest man and milk; classic stuff. I love your take on things; almost mirrors my newsletter for this week, only I’m not close to being as funny.
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bronxboy55
October 28, 2010
David Brenner is one of the few comedians who can make me laugh, but I haven’t heard his bravest man routine. I just looked for it on YouTube and it doesn’t seem to be there. But now I’m going to spend at least an hour watching the stuff that is there!
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Kissie
October 29, 2010
I don’t know this but I’m looking it up!
Hey Mitch, I have to thank you again for putting Charles on your “list” … thank you. 🙂
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Kissie
October 29, 2010
Charles, I love you!
How does one remember something that didn’t happen? Does that mean we create it? I have a cousin who masters this; but seriously … that sounds so much like an artist.
I am curious to know, how’d you find these towns in America?
I like your concept of how a meeting should go, if only it was that simple.
I promise you I remember when the red M&Ms were removed from the system in my sophomore year of high school but I definitely didn’t know the reason … HILARIOUS! It’s amazing how I thought “I” could think of the oddest things … now I believe I have some good competition here.
Speedbumps – LOL! I wouldn’t come up with it because (unfortunately) I drive like a man!
Don’t get this vegan started on ANY animal’s milk.
Thanks for this one.
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bronxboy55
October 29, 2010
The towns are listed in online sites. I just did a search of “unusual place names.” I also checked to make sure they really did exist, though. One list had a town called Frog Suck, Wyoming, but I couldn’t find it on a map. I’d have a hard time living in a place with a name like that.
Thanks for the comment, Kissie. It’s always great to hear from you.
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cooperstownersincanada
October 29, 2010
Classic, witty, hilarious. Certainly makes me question a lot of names – not the least of which is why we settled on “Earth” as the name for our planet. I live in London, Ontario – a London, England wannabe with fewer double-decker tour buses 🙂
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bronxboy55
October 29, 2010
As Patricia pointed out, a lot of places are reverting to their original names. My daughter is in Beijing, which was called Peking not that long ago. So it’s an on-going process. Thanks for the comment.
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Heather CJ Atkins
October 30, 2010
I love this. I would vote to assassinate the speed bump lady too.
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bronxboy55
October 30, 2010
Thanks, Heather. Have a great trip, and let me know if they have speed bumps in Hawaii.
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Amiable Amiable
October 31, 2010
I mean this in the nicest way: you are the only person I know who noticed that peanut M&Ms did not come in tan! This made me laugh out loud, much like many of your wonderful observations.
Somehow, I always manage to comment last, which is a good thing in this case because, with that said, apologies in advance for the next comment about speed bumps. Years ago, driving through an incredibly small and very quaint Connecticut village with my two sons, ages 8 and 11, we happened upon one with a warning sign that read “Hump.” My youngest yelled, “Did you see that sign?!” and then would have rolled around in fits of laughter in the back of the car had it not been for our seatbelt law. I simultaneously wanted to take out the person who decided to put the bump there and the person responsible for the sign’s message, mostly because I was mortified that my “baby” got the humor in it. And since the person who clued him in (my oldest vehemently denied responsibility, leaving only a friend of the boys as a suspect) was probably 50 miles away, I figure, given such a small village, it would have been quicker to find and terminate the “Sign Namer,” also known as the Village Idiot?
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bronxboy55
October 31, 2010
I’m surprised no one thought to manually change that H to a B. I’ve also often wondered why they go through all the trouble of putting up a sign that says “Bump.” Wouldn’t it be just as easy to get rid of the bump?
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shoreacres
November 5, 2010
Years ago, I discovered a wonderful book by William Least Heat-Moon called “Blue Highways”. Later, he wrote a “deep study” of one county in Kansas, called “PrairyErth”. Prairyerth actually is an old geologic term for prairie soil, and although I’m not certain how it happened, I think erth – soil – is the distinguishing feature which gave our planet its name. It’s a little ironic when you think of how much more water there is than land, but the land is home.
As for milk – I never called it “milk” as a kid. It was ‘moo-juice”. After all, we squeezed oranges for juice, and we got our milk by squeezing, too!
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bronxboy55
November 8, 2010
I wonder where to find the earliest reference to “Earth”. And speaking of the water, do you think dolphins and whales have their own name for the planet? (No, I don’t either.) Or if other mammals have some word or sound for “milk”? That seems likely. It probably isn’t moo-juice, though.
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Gow
June 26, 2011
I just discovered your blog, and thus far this is my favorite post. I actually laughed out loud. Well done, you! Every time I see a truly terrible television show or commercial I always wonder what the heck happened in that pitch meeting. Who came up with that idea, and how in the world did they sell it? What genius or group of yutzes gave the green light? Anyway, I’m off to read some more.
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bronxboy55
July 20, 2011
Thanks, Gow. I always wonder the same things. Many popular songs played regularly on the radio also cause me to ask those questions.
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S. Trevor Swenson
June 26, 2011
Clever, well constructed observational humor reminiscent of Seinfeld and Dave Barry. Well Done
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