I’m seated in my car. There is another vehicle in front of mine, a Toyota Corolla with a small dent just below the left tail light. The word Corolla on the back of the other car reminds me of corona, which is the fuzzy glow around the edge of the sun. I’m pretty sure it’s also a brand of beer. There’s a Corona Park in Queens, New York, not to be confused with Crotona Park, which is in the Bronx. From there, I think of cruller, a word I learned when I worked as a baker at a doughnut shop immediately after high school graduation. I was seventeen. If I owned a doughnut franchise, would I ever hire a seventeen-year-old and place my entire business into his clumsy hands? Also, did I really go to work at five in the morning for a dollar-sixty an hour? Cruller doesn’t sound like a kind of cake. It sounds like something you dig up out of the ground, and then go around showing it to people and asking them what they think it is. The dent is high and circular, about the size of a golf ball. It doesn’t appear to be the result of a minor accident or a bump in a parking lot. Based on its shape and location, I’d guess that a short knight riding a pony in a jousting match may have rammed the Corolla with his lance. Or maybe the driver lives near a golf course. A bumper sticker just below the dent says Vote No on Plan B. If I’d had a Plan B, I’d have made a right turn out of the post office and gone around the block the other way, and I’d be home by now.
I have time to think about these things, because I’m waiting to make a left turn. The light is green, but there’s traffic coming from the opposite direction. Rather than proceed into the intersection, the driver in front of me holds back and maintains his red light position. He doesn’t budge an inch, and so neither can anyone else. I believe I was behind this same man at the bank last Tuesday afternoon. That day there were thirteen people ahead of me, and once I joined the group, no one else did, so I was always at the end of the line. For a long time I made no progress, and had resorted to shifting my weight from one foot to the other and counting the letters on the mortgage rate poster, even though three or four customers finished what they were doing and departed. The man didn’t move up when he was supposed to. He let an unnatural gap form between him and the next person in line, so that there was no intermittent release of the tension that builds when you’re trapped, motionless, and watching the clock on the wall as it ticks away at your mortality. I was going to tap him on the shoulder and ask him if he was all right. Maybe he’d slipped into a shopping mall trance, a syndrome I was familiar with. The symptoms consist of an irresistible urge to flee the premises, accompanied by a curious inability to move a muscle. I had plenty of opportunity to inquire about his condition. The elderly lady now at the front of the line was paying her electric bill with a bagful of unrolled dimes. But I was sure he’d step forward at any moment, and I didn’t want to risk getting into a conversation with him. The last time I did that, at the veterinarian’s office, I was sucked into a half-hour lecture on both the advantages and the hardships of living in Winnipeg, Manitoba. After the clock had swept away another slice of our existence, the man approached the teller window, completed his transaction, and left. And so did I.
The incident at the bank was almost forgotten, but now the memory of it has returned as I sit behind the Toyota Corolla and wonder if this is where I’m going to spend the rest of my life. There is no wall and no clock, but clouds have arrived from the distant horizon, and the blue sky everyone at the post office had marveled about has transformed into a dull gray. Off to the left, a young woman in a bright yellow vest stands in the road clutching a sign that says Slow. Obedient drivers file past her at a quarter of the speed limit, and I find myself wishing to be moving that slowly. I imagine her still standing there in the winter, her sign shaking in her frozen hand, my car and the Corolla covered with a thin layer of fresh snow. Across the street in the other direction, construction workers are busy erecting a single-family residence. Eventually, I’ll watch the new owners as they unload their rental truck, plant trees in the front yard, maybe get a dog, and raise their children. The traffic light will change – green, yellow, red, and back again – through thousands of cycles. The Corolla’s left turn signal will burn out and stop blinking, its driver considering the possibility of removing his foot from the brake pedal, but always regaining his senses at the last moment. Meanwhile in the car behind him, long out of gas and needing to trim my beard, I’ll begin contriving some sort of weapon out of plastic fast-food cutlery and twisted road maps. My plan will include hijacking his car, running the red light, and parking in the driveway of the now abandoned house across the street. I’ll leave my own rusted vehicle at the old post office building, which has been converted into a doughnut shop. I may go in and see if they need a baker, one who is mature and patient and knows how to make a left turn at a traffic light. But first, I have to get to the bank. My electric bill is way overdue.
Elyse
September 12, 2014
Only you would find a blood pressure LOWERING way to deal with a Toyota driver who doesn’t know where the gas pedal is. But if more people could just wait as patiently as you did, the world would be much better off. Especially the Toyota driver. Until he dies of old age in that lane, that is.
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
The problem occurs only at those traffic lights that don’t have a green arrow for left turns, and at intersections where there’s always traffic coming the other way. If you’re not at least slightly aggressive, you could wait forever.
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Doug Bittinger
September 12, 2014
Ahhh, yessss… if patience is a virtue, you are a saint! This is one reason I never leave my mountain. Here the only things that get in my way are the dogs and I can step over them.
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
I may have overstated my ability to be patient, Doug. I always seem to get behind these people when I’m running late. It’s as if they know.
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shoreacres
September 12, 2014
If you lived down here, you’d recognize that wait at the intersection for what it is: training for the DMV. Another few intersections, a couple more bank lines, and you’ll be ready to renew your driver’s license in person. And if you want to conduct an even more interesting social experiment, try what I do now and then: tell the person behind you in the grocery store express lane to go ahead, that you have plenty of time. It can be a remarkable experience.
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
I do that all the time at the grocery store, especially if the person has just a couple of items. Most take me up on the offer, but a few explain that they aren’t in a hurry either. I’ll usually insist that they go ahead, which often leads to a heated argument about which of us has more time. Before you know it, we’re throwing cans of soup at each other. My mother used to say, “It doesn’t pay to be nice.”
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Jac
September 12, 2014
Isn’t it amazing where your mind goes in such a short time? It’s like traveling to other parts of the solar system and back, only with more random thoughts. Although, with the way your mind works, it could be pretty random, too. “Oh there’s Mars. They make good candy bars. I’m getting pretty hungry. Look at Mercury. I wonder it they still use that in thermometers. Pluto is cool, but how come Goofy wears clothes and talks, and Pluto acts like a dog?”
😉
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
I keep trying to pay attention to what my thoughts look and sound like. Do I think in complete sentences, or even words? I’m not sure. I think they’re more like flashes that have ideas inside of them, which I translate into words if necessary. Do you know what I mean?
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Jac
September 13, 2014
Sadly, yes. I do know what you mean. Weird minds think alike.
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vgfoster
September 12, 2014
I’m pretty sure I’ve been behind that same Corolla a few times myself! Your cartoons are perfect…do you make them yourself? Once again, a wonderful read! Thanks for the reminder that we’re all in this together 🙂
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
I don’t draw the actual artwork for the cartoons. That’s done by a man named Ron Leishman. I subscribe to his clip-art website. That allows me to download, modify, and combine his drawings into cartoons, and add dialogue and captions, too.
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vgfoster
September 13, 2014
Interesting! They are always spot on, and really bring your humor to life.
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Val Boyko
September 12, 2014
Whenever I begin to get frustrated behind someone, I remind myself it could be me in a few years. Hopefully I’ll be more aware of others around me … And then my mind continues on its track …. about aging, old family members, illness and death …. and usually that gets things moving ahead of me.
Great post Charlie!
Val x
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bronxboy55
September 13, 2014
I always try to think that way, too, Val. Maybe the person isn’t feeling well, or they’re a new driver, or there’s a problem with the car. But after forty years on the road, I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of people are either unaware of how dangerous their vehicle is, or they’re so aware that it makes them hesitant. Both kinds of drivers are unpredictable and dangerous.
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Ruth Rainwater
September 12, 2014
The old hurry-up-and-wait gig. Since I’m now retired, I don’t care. I might be the one in front of you holding up the line because I’m daydreaming about how many people will be at my book signing party. When I publish a book. After I finish editing the book. Oh, and after I write it.
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
I don’t think the person in the other car is daydreaming. It seems that a lot of people were taught to drive that way — you sit back at the green light until you can make the turn. My father taught me to pull up into the middle of the intersection, so that even if the light turns yellow and then red, I can still make the turn.
Are you working on that book?
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Ruth Rainwater
September 14, 2014
I have two in progress from two years of NaNoWriMo. They’re unfinished and unedited.
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Diane Holcomb
September 12, 2014
Was that you who was behind me in my Corolla? Mine has a small dent in it too, but I think that’s something that comes with all Corollas. A mark to remind us that perfection does not exist.
Love the post. So funny. Great writing!
Try meditating next time you’re stuck waiting. Or reading a book. Just don’t be so involved with either activity that you forget to move forward!
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
My problem is that I’m always running five minutes late, and then I end up behind the person who’s meditating or reading a book.
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Betty Londergan
September 12, 2014
I know you Canadians are polite, but why didn’t you HONK? that’s always my rude, go-to strategy in a similar situation, followed by a tsunami of guilt when I see the person I’m honking at is about 85 years old and terrified behind the wheel.
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
I almost never honk. Anyway, it isn’t that the person is unaware that the light is green. It’s that they were taught not to enter the intersection until they can actually make the turn. What’s your technique?
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subodai213
September 12, 2014
Aaahhhhhhhh, that’s where he went. That guy used to live here in Washington. Oh, no, wait…the guy I’m thinking of was discovered to be a skeleton behind the wheel.
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
The situation I described happened two days in a row, with the same car. I’ve since altered my mail pick-up schedule.
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icedteawithlemon
September 12, 2014
Do you think it’s possible to develop Attention Deficit Disorder as a “mature” adult? I don’t remember my mind wandering this much when I was younger, so why now? And do you ever get to the end of one of these wandering thought streams and then try to work your way back–to try to figure out what made you think of those crullers from years ago–and get hopelessly lost in the dark, dusty, winding corridors of the cerebral cortex? And then realize that YOU are now the person holding up the line? Or is it just me?
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
I find that conversations have the same tendency to wander aimlessly. I usually end up saying, “How in the world did we get onto this subject?” You’ll see.
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thecontentedcrafter
September 12, 2014
Good heavens! You have Toyota Corollas there too? I swear that since 1978, they are all driven by people who don’t know how to drive. But I like that we get another slice of living inside Charles head out of it 🙂 xoxo
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shoreacres
September 12, 2014
Tsk, tsk. Thou shalt not stereotype Corolla drivers. I’ve had four. The first was murdered on a Houston freeway, the second was t-boned in my parking lot by a drunk at 2 a.m., and I finally sold the third after it passed 350K miles. My new one is friskier than the rest, and we get along just fine. I’ll bet that Corolla Charles was stuck behind was muttering to itself, too. 🙂
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thecontentedcrafter
September 12, 2014
You are quite right and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself 🙂 It had never occurred to me to think about it from the cars point of view. I am chastened and am going away to thoroughly pull my socks up!!
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shoreacres
September 12, 2014
Since I anthropomorphize everything in sight and name every car — well, you can see how I try to take account of the car’s point of view!
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thecontentedcrafter
September 12, 2014
I think it is an excellent thing to give your car a name – I am currently in the act of searching for my next car and it shall of course be named! May I ask what your car’s name is?
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shoreacres
September 12, 2014
My current one is Princess. She’s honey-colored. My previous, long-running one was Mephistopheles, because he was a devil of a car.
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thecontentedcrafter
September 12, 2014
Ha! I like the way your mind works! 🙂
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bronxboy55
September 14, 2014
Now I’m imagining the cars at the dealership keeping their headlights down and quietly hoping that certain prospective customers choose another vehicle — something like the audience members seated in the front row at a stand-up comedy show.
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Mikels Skele
September 12, 2014
Ah, you haven’t realized you’re one of us, have you? We, the most powerful beings in the universe, able to paralyze the person in line in front of us, able to make it rain by washing the car, able to make sports teams lose by merely watching. Once we figure out who we are and get together, watch out, world! Snooz-a-rama!
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
I’ve always wished for super powers, but I keep getting the wrong ones.
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She's a Maineiac
September 12, 2014
I cannot believe he left a gap in line! Doesn’t he realize it’s an unwritten rule that we all move up slightly when someone else does?
This entire post made me laugh, good stuff, Charles. If I ever want time to slow down to a crawl so I can contemplate the meaning of life, all I have to do is engage in a conversation with my 7 year old and wait for her to make a point: “Umm…so the other day….um….there was this girl, no it was a boy, no it was a dog. Anyway….um…so the other day I saw this dog….and it was brown….no I think it was black…ummm…..”
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
Most of us never outgrow that ability to manipulate facts and memories, which makes me wonder how many innocent people are spending their lives in prison.
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dianasschwenk
September 12, 2014
I know that feeling – the only thing I would add is how it feels like all my blood is rushing to my head, my ears are throbbing, my jaw hurts and my brain seems to expand and is about to burst through my skull. I have no patience. 🙂
Diana xo
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
The physical reaction can definitely worsen, Diana, depending on where I’m going and how late I am.
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ranu802
September 13, 2014
We are too impatient which is why we have wait problem, or is there anything else?
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
Many of us also tend to think that whatever we’re doing is somehow more important than what everyone else is doing, so other cars and other people are just obstacles in our way.
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hhhoneydada
September 13, 2014
Reblogged this on Still Standing~ Life Once Fueled By Fire, Anger, And Rage.
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
Glad you liked it.
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Marcia
September 13, 2014
I was 5th in line at a stop light. The light turned. We did not go forward. We sat there through another light cycle. Still no forward motion. So those brave drivers ahead of me started pulling around the front driver. When my time came, my granddaughter took a gawk at the first in line driver. It was an elderly woman slumped over the steering wheel. I felt so bad for all the evil thoughts I had been sending forward up to that point. After we got through the intersection we met a police car approaching with lights flashing. Some good person had called in about the situation.
When I get behind a slow driver or more importantly when my impatient husband gets behind one, I keep repeating, “Just be glad he is driving in his safe zone and not beyond his comfort zone.” I shouldn’t talk – I’m getting there myself!
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
Very often it is someone having a problem — either a health issue or car trouble. Thanks for pointing that out, Marcia.
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Snoring Dog Studio
September 13, 2014
I’m trying very hard to learn to be more patient while I wait. I get lots of practice waiting for my mom. She can’t help it, but she gets distracted by so much while I’m waiting to take her somewhere. When I go to her apartment, I have to see all of her clothes again before we leave. She introduces me to each blouse, skirt, pants, and dress. I wish I could stop the churning in my stomach during those moments, but outwardly I think I look calm.
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
I have a feeling you hide your impatience well, especially with your mom.
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earthriderjudyberman
September 13, 2014
Charles … That wait sounds maddening. I know I would not have had your patience. That’s something that’s often spent by the end of a school day. 😉
Marcia’s comment, posted above, does point out the need for considering – as you did – that, maybe, something tragic has befallen that person at the head of the line.
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
The tragedy issue is always one that I wonder about, eventually. After all, no one wants to be sitting at a traffic light any longer than necessary.
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gliderpilotlee
September 13, 2014
I’ve become very old, and approximately 10 times used the horn. Until 6 months ago that was the case but had to bump it 5 or so times so far.
Traffic circles arrived and about once every two weeks I notice broken glass and random car parts in the circle. Here’s a thought – if you are in the circle step on the gas, if your are near the circle, don’t hit the person stepping on the gas. Slip right in behind them if there’s safely space, “it’s a yield sign, and there’s no one near or in the circle- why did you stop?”
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bronxboy55
September 15, 2014
Traffic circles have replaced many stop signs and lights here, too, Lee. It’s definitely been a learning process.
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kasturika
September 14, 2014
I’ve now resigned to my fate. Any line I join ends up being the slowest. The moment I shift to another line, the original one moves faster. Or the machine at the end will stop working just when it’s my turn.
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bronxboy55
September 16, 2014
I seem to have the same affliction. I wonder if everyone feels that way.
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silkpurseproductions
September 14, 2014
The most used sentence whenever He-Who is driving and I am trapped in the passenger side…”Move into the intersection! Move into the intersection! Move into the damned intersection!”. Of course he was born and raised in Winnipeg, Manitoba which, according to him is the “Centre of the Universe”. Apparently the only hardship he has to overcome is the lack of driving etiquette.
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bronxboy55
September 16, 2014
It’s interesting that we both mentioned Winnipeg. Then again, maybe it isn’t so surprising, given that it’s the center of the universe.
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Terri S. Vanech
September 15, 2014
Definitely one of my favorites! I needed you in the market last week, as I stood behind the people who parked their carts in the center of the aisles, then stood, slack-mouthed, to parse the price of peas. 😉
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bronxboy55
September 16, 2014
They’re the same people who walk through the front doors of a large store and then stop right there to look around for a while. Another odd behavior I’ve noticed lately is when someone unloads their groceries at the cash register and leaves the empty shopping cart, so that the person behind them has to deal with it.
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Terri S. Vanech
September 16, 2014
Yup! People never cease to amaze me.
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JunkChuck
September 16, 2014
That left turn timidity is my biggest pet peeve–I’ve been known to lean out the window and shout, which is counter-productive, adding yet more fear to the equation. As for the enter and pause in businesses thing, I regularly embarrass my wife and kids by directing traffic–I’m an NFL lineman-sized guy and don’t hesitate to speak up: “let’s go,” or my favorite, “chop, chop!” I collect dirty looks like some folks collect sea shells. The older I get, the less effective my filters–well on the way to being a grumpy old man.
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bronxboy55
September 22, 2014
I’ve already declared that I intend to drive even more fearlessly as I get older. If my reflexes start to fail, well, that’ll be everyone else’s problem, won’t it?
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jeanjames
September 16, 2014
I read this and felt like I just watched a cartoon episode in my head…so funny!!!
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bronxboy55
September 22, 2014
Thanks, Jean. I’m glad you liked it.
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Damyanti
September 18, 2014
In Singapore, they’d give the ‘accidental’ shove much sooner. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing.
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bronxboy55
September 22, 2014
As I’ve said many times, Damyanti, they call them bumpers for a reason.
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brycinus
September 25, 2014
I read this and felt like I was in the mind of Douglas Adams’ Dirk Gently. This was so funny! I’m feeling inspired to pay attention to my inner monologue next time I’m waiting for something, I never knew it could be so interesting.
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bronxboy55
September 30, 2014
Thanks, Bryci. I have a feeling you’re already in the habit of paying attention to your inner monologue.
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rangewriter
October 6, 2014
I guess if traffic was that bad in Boise, I’d get more blogging done! This one just made me giggle, louder, louder and loudest, till the cat jumped up and left the room.
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bronxboy55
October 10, 2014
Boise is the state capital. You have to have more traffic than we do.
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rangewriter
October 10, 2014
Well, there are some parts of Boise that have traffic. I avoid them like the plague. Happily, the greenbelt is blessedly empty in between rush hours. 😉
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Bruce
October 14, 2014
I’m going to miss these detailed explanations of how I feel in certain situations, such as a queue. Also, the knight must have been extremely short. Classic Charles.
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smiter12
October 23, 2014
Reblogged this on "Raindrops on Roses" and commented:
This is pretty spot on. I find myself thinking abstract thoughts while impatiently waiting in my everyday life; from depositing a check at the bank to standing in the impossibly long line at Subway.
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smiter12
October 23, 2014
Hi Charles! I’m relatively new to WordPress and still have an amateur blog and am looking to communicate my posts to a larger audience. As a college student, most of my posts revolve around my interests; travel, art, graphics, rhetoric, gender equality etc. I’m impressed by the breadth of your blog and also your dry humor that’s consistent in many of your posts.
What advice would you give to a new blogger to get my message out there? Any and all advice is welcome!
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christianliving2014
October 27, 2014
That’s when you honk at them. I’m sorry you had to go through this. It sucks when people do that. Great write though!
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JSD
October 31, 2014
I often wonder how these people can be so totally oblivious to what’s going on around them. Can you imagine being married to someone like that?
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onlybadchi
February 10, 2015
Hahahaha this is so wonderfully true!! “wonder if this is where I’m going to spend the rest of my life”–AMEN 🙂
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farrasprbw
March 18, 2015
Reblogged this on Farras Style and commented:
Sedikit hiburan buat para pengendara ^^
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7m
August 15, 2015
I read it and felt very interesting, there is a deeper meaning …))
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nickpratt90
September 10, 2015
Love these posts. Something everyone can understand.
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