“You’re just too cool.”
That’s what she said. In fact, those were her exact words, which proves one thing: she’s never met me.
No one has ever described me as cool, or any heat level, for that matter. If there were a television show called World’s Least Cool Human Being, I would be the permanent guest host. When I enter a room, even the goldfish pretend they’re asleep. In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Be Forgotten, and Well Before the Five-Year Reunion.”
It was a great surprise, then, when a fellow blogger paid me a compliment by suggesting that I was too cool. At least I think it was a compliment. The word too snagged on my brain for a moment. I’ve been told I’m too sensitive, which is a polite way of saying, “Oh, grow some skin, will you please?” And others have said I think too much, which really means, “Please shut up now and at least try to be normal.”
So her comment did get me speculating about the general concept. Can a person be too cool, and if so, where exactly is the boundary? Is it possible to just brush up against the limit without stepping over it?
Before we can talk about coolness, we have to define it, and there’s part of the problem. It’s hard to analyze something that’s cool without warming it up to room temperature first. It’s like explaining a joke – you kill the humor in the process. Or pulling that goldfish out of the water in order to explain how it lives – as my ninth-grade biology teacher did. While she pointed out the gill structures, the thing was drowning in mid-air. We can’t say for sure what coolness is, but we know it when we see it. For anyone growing up in the early sixties, this guy was cool.
Like any other personality trait, coolness is also relative. The description requires comparison and context, in much the same way that height does. A man who’s six-foot-six and working at the bakery is tall; if the same guy were a professional basketball player, he’d be average. Seated in your dentist’s waiting room, an old magazine about soybeans might seem like the most boring thing you can imagine. But if you were floundering in solitary confinement in a Bulgarian prison and stumbled upon that same magazine buried in the dirt floor of your grimy cell, you’d read it cover to cover. Even the operating instructions for a toaster oven would seem cool.
In 1986, Huey Lewis told us that it’s actually hip to be square. I’ve been pondering this idea ever since. Is it true? It’s easy to be hip when you’re on stage in Las Vegas, with flashing lights and saxophone players and five thousand screaming fans in the audience. But could my squareness be hip?
I never thought so. Until about an hour ago, I believed the scale on which we measure a person’s coolness was graduated and straight, like a timeline or a thermometer. However, this does little to clear up the issue. What’s the opposite of Cool? Is it Lukewarm? Tepid, maybe? More complications: Beyond Cool would be Cold, which is a completely different thing. And at the other end, past Tepid, would be Hot, which also has its own meaning.
In a flash of insight that was as notable for its intensity as much as its rarity, I saw that the scale was not a straight line at all, but a circle. This is why, when you don’t even know – or care – how uncool you are, that very tendency is itself considered cool. It’s something like an honorary degree. When people drop out of college in their freshman year to pursue careers that have nothing to do with learning or knowledge, and go on to become incredibly wealthy and powerful, terrorizing their own employees along the way and demonstrating that our system of education is somewhat useless, universities reward them with a diploma and let them wear a cap and gown and give a speech to the real students. Naturally, this got me wondering about the recipients of those honorary degrees. They didn’t pass any courses or write any dissertations. Do they frame the piece of paper and hang it on the wall anyway? If not, what is it for? My uncle used to give me two-dollar bills on my birthday. Before I could even fold the cash and put it into my pocket, my father would tell me that I should never spend it.
“Two-dollar bills are rare,” he’d say. “Don’t go buying comic books with them.” But if I couldn’t spend it, I thought, it wasn’t really money. The worst part is, this was the only piece of financial advice anyone has ever given me.
In the 1970s, the cool handshake knocked me farther out of sync. This was the vertical-clasp, let’s-go-smoke-some-weed handshake. I never adopted that greeting, and it always led to a lot of awkward fumbling in the air, which preceded a maddening conversation that would usually begin with my saying, “Sorry, I don’t smoke weed. Do you have root beer?”
I didn’t say far out or groovy or dig this. I didn’t call my house a crib or refer to my car as wheels. The expression right on! was popular for a few years, and it seems to have made a comeback of late. I never even used it the first time around. I’ve said those words, but only when embedded in longer sentences:
“You can turn right on red here.”
“Keep right on kicking me in the leg, and see what happens.”
“You were right on Tuesday when you said that wall was going to fall down.”
I’ve never been on a motorcycle, or worn a leather jacket. I’ve never smoked a cigarette or gotten stoned or hitchhiked anywhere. I can’t tell you a single detail about any member of any rock band. And when I’m at the convenience store, I see magazine covers featuring pictures of famous people, and I have no idea who they are.
I’ve never said Bring it on to anyone, or the more recent shortened version, Bring it. When the expression gets reduced to just Bring, I probably won’t say that, either. I’ve also never asked What’s going down? or referred to sunglasses as shades or called anyone Bro or Dude. I’ve never said It’s all good or No worries, mostly because it isn’t all good, and I can think of a billion things to worry about.
On the other hand, lately I’ve been rolling up the sleeves of my tee shirts, the way teenagers did in the fifties. I’m not trying to re-create a trend, though — it’s just been kind of warm in the house. I’ve also taken to wetting my hair and slicking it back, but that’s only because it’s starting to grow in strange directions. Sometimes I resemble one of those nuclear physicists who hasn’t left the laboratory in six months. Other than that, I don’t really care what I look like or what anyone says. Even friendly fellow bloggers. And I guess you know what that makes me.
I invite you to listen to this song once, then spend the rest of the weekend trying to get it out of your head.
claywatkins
August 9, 2014
I haven’t heard that song in a LONG time, thank you. I saw a piece in Huey Lewis on CBS Sunday Morning a few years back – it was interesting. I’ve long since stopped trying to be cool – it takes less energy and results in being cool – if only in my mind. I always say, ‘life’s great in a dream state!’ Have a great week!
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
The real definition of cool seems to be the ability to be who you are, no matter what’s happening around you — and to remain comfortable with that. I think it takes most people a long time to get there. I’m still working on it.
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Betty Londergan
August 9, 2014
Okay, you’ve convinced me that you aren’t cool, but you are definitely FUNNY and that makes you even more interesting than the cool guy. Thanks for alerting us to the hazardous sticky quality of “It’s Hip to Be Square” so I wouldn’t have it in my head all weekend — much as I love Huey Lewis, mostly because like me he’s from Delaware (the least cool state in the Union). And having watched “Get On Up” (the biopic about James Brown) I fully intend to try to bring back “Right on!” — thanks for the hot tip!
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
I don’t see how the first state in the union could be the least cool. True, the name sounds like that of a food storage container or some peculiar type of undergarment. But I’d have to say there are several states that are less cool. What about Wisconsin?
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gliderpilotlee
August 9, 2014
Just happened to open “blog”. Soo. Sometimes a person can do, think, write, cool. I never guessed what that handshake was – really? Thanks, great humor.
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Do you know the handshake I mean? Here’s an example:
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gliderpilotlee
August 10, 2014
Oh yeah, that’s the one. I’m more of a fist bump or hi – five kinda guy. I just had an intense out door, real rock climb day with my best friends, we all completed climbs without hang on safety rope breaks. You picture it – fist bumps all around before we went our separate ways.
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Daddy Bear
August 9, 2014
Oh great, now I’ve got THAT stuck in my head. Oh well, at least it’s not “Found a Peanut”…
😀
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Sorry. I was afraid that would happen. If it makes you feel any better, it’s been playing in my head for two days now.
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Andrew
August 9, 2014
wow – cool post…
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Thanks, Andrew. How are the wind-spinners doing?
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Andrew
August 10, 2014
They look nice but it takes a lot of wind to get them spinning.
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dianasschwenk
August 9, 2014
ha! so by your own statements in this post, you confirm your coolness at the very end by not caring what others think! clever. 😀
Diana xo
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Cool and clever. I seem to be on a roll. I’m sure that means I’m about to go over a cliff.
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dianasschwenk
August 10, 2014
There, there, stay positive! 😉
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O. Leonard
August 9, 2014
Isn’t “hot” the far side of the “cool” spectrum? And that makes no sense. Great post. I’ve never been much for the current slang either, but I use “catchin’ what you’re throwin’ down” a lot more that I probably should. Not that it makes me cool. Your discussion reminded me of the Tim McGraw song, “Back When”….” And when you said, “I’m down with that, Well, it meant you had the flu.”
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
I’m not familiar with Tim McGraw’s music. Reaction to changes in the language is a pretty common theme, I guess.
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C
August 9, 2014
It’s your lack of coolness that makes you so cool, Charlie.
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Everyone who knows me seems to agree. About the lack of coolness, I mean.
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Noreen
August 9, 2014
You are so cool Charlie. I laughed out loud about your hair. Thanks for the laugh.
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
Thank you, Noreen. We just had a great visit with Nick and family.
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accidentallyreflective
August 9, 2014
THIS is why you are totally cool 🙂
Lol!!! Loved this post, just like all of your others. You turned one statement into a whole post and within that post you taught us things and made us reflect on things we really wouldn’t have otherwise.
Worthless paper – totally agree with you there. What is the point apart from an ego boost of some sort.
Ketchup ingredients – my 6 yr old son would love to read those slowly!
Love this part… too funny:
“I’ve said those words, but only when embedded in longer sentences:
“You can turn right on red here.”
“Keep right on kicking me in the leg, and see what happens.”
“You were right on Tuesday when you said that wall was going to fall down.”
The opposite of cool… uncool!
Of course I agree Top Cat is too cool…. not sure about the song though! 😉
Thank you soo much for the mention – made my day! Grinning from ear to ear as I write 😀
And last but not least… you just went over the boundary of cool! Now what’s that? Awesome? 😉
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bronxboy55
August 10, 2014
You’re welcome about the mention — and thank you for the inspiration. It was fun. I hope you got a few new readers out of it, as well.
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accidentallyreflective
August 11, 2014
Thank YOU! It was fun to read!
I have had a few new likes on posts… I don’t think anybody liked me as much as they like you… and hey that’s totally understandable! 🙂
Thank you so much again. Looking forward to your next post.
I think you may like my next one… it will take you back to your Italian roots… watch this space!
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thecontentedcrafter
August 9, 2014
Top Cat was cool – not so much Huey Lewis though …… labels don’t matter it’s how you feel about yourself that counts – and as you showed at the top of this post – you see yourself as Fonzie cool!! Happy days!! 🙂
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Fonzie seemed cool at the time, Pauline, in the way Bonanza seemed realistic and The Three Stooges seemed funny. But I think Top Cat is still cool.
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Mikels Skele
August 9, 2014
Cool.
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rangewriter
August 9, 2014
Well, at least no one has accused you of being too HOT!
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Not likely to happen, Linda.
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Momina
August 27, 2014
You’re hot, Charles. There, I said it.
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bronxboy55
August 28, 2014
Just to prove me wrong.
Are you still blogging?
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Momina
August 28, 2014
Yes, on and off. These days it’s here:
http://reductioadnauseam.wordpress.com/
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shoreacres
August 9, 2014
Apparently hipsters are cool, now. From what I can tell, hipsters wear big glasses and have a tortured vocabulary. “Totes adorbs,” they say. That means something is totally adorable, or so I imagine.
Let’s face it. At heart, “cool” is nothing but an in group/out group thing. It’s so junior high. It’s a hunger to belong or a fear of not belonging, writ large. It’s self-absorption, and a desperate need to make one’s choices by someone else’s criteria.
I suppose someone could say all that grumpiness stems from my own knowledge that I’m not cool. But you know what? I’m happy. That’s better.
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Happiness at least has the potential to last longer, too. What’s cool today will be old and worthless by tomorrow afternoon. It’s why some celebrities work so hard at re-inventing themselves, a concept I’m sure didn’t exist a hundred years ago. It seems exhausting.
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D Holcomb
August 9, 2014
You’ve taken me back. I LOVED Top Cat. And he rode a taxi! How cool is that.
If you’re too cool, that means you’re cooler than even Top Cat.
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
His close friends got to call him TC. Even his nickname was cool. I envied that.
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icedteawithlemon
August 9, 2014
I don’t think it’s possible to be “too cool”–but then, how would this nerdy girl know? I have ridden a motorcycle, though, and I do own a couple leather jackets, and some girlfriends and I hitchhiked once–but when my dad found out, his belt guaranteed I would never do THAT again.
And I’m guessing that fellow blogger really meant you’re funny, smart, entertaining, and thought-provoking–and yeah, that makes you cool. So, bring it on, Dude.
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Are hippie-geek and nerd the same thing?
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icedteawithlemon
August 11, 2014
Ha! I suppose the “purists” would argue that they are not the same, but in my groovy little world, the subtle differences are irrelevant. Regardless, I wear both badges proudly because I agree with Huey, and I was square long before it was hip.
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Dennis Wagoner
August 9, 2014
My daughters are always saying some boy is ‘hot’. My observation of what they consider to be hot ranges very widely on the human scale from sub-human to not-quite-ready-to-release-into-society.
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Dennis, something tells me your assessment of your daughters’ boyfriends will fail to have the desired affect. I’d try reverse psychology.
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Dennis Wagoner
August 11, 2014
Yeah, you are probably right.
So far, I don’t tell them what I am thinking. Actually, there hasn’t been any boyfriend-level friendships so far – keeping my fingers crossed!! (Our oldest, now married daughter didn’t even start dating until she was a sophomore in college – made life so much easier!!)
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charlywalker
August 9, 2014
Cool……the word still holds it value after all the years of its origin…Cool….I still use it and I have been alive since the dinosaurs roamed.. (as my kids keep reminding me)…Cool just got lost for awhile & replaced over the decades..i.e. awesome, WOW, immense, Hot, rad, bad ass , boss, wicked, fresh, sick, righteous, pisser, cray-cray, the bomb, fresh, fly,..like whoa..I need to chill……
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Did you notice that when cool made its return, it had picked up an extra syllable or two?
Cray-cray?
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earthriderjudyberman
August 9, 2014
“Cool” as in James Dean ‘cool’ or Fonzie ‘cool?’ Were they even that cool? By comparison, I think you are … and you don’t have Hollywood feeding you lines to say. Plus you tickle my funny bone and that is cool, too.
As for Top Cat, a few kids in high school used to call me that and T.C. back in the day. But none of us were cool except in each other’s eyes. 😉
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bronxboy55
August 11, 2014
Top Cat and Squeaky? How many nicknames did you have?
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earthriderjudyberman
August 11, 2014
How many nicknames did I have? How much time do you have? Well, there was ‘Rebel,’ “Top Cat,” “T.C.” “Squeaky,” just to name a few … and some that bug me to this day. 😉
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accidentallyreflective
August 10, 2014
Reblogged this on accidentallyreflective and commented:
I want to introduce you to my favourite blogger of all time.
Every week he entertains us with funny facts and reflections that so many can relate to.
I’ve been meaning to reblog his posts for some time now and unfortunately didn’t get round to it till today.
Rest assured, having read his posts, you will most definitely leave laughing… there is only one word to describe him… COOL! ; )
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
My new description of you from now on will be too kind. Thank you again.
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accidentallyreflective
August 14, 2014
I’m merely stating facts 🙂
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Bruce
August 10, 2014
I enjoyed every bit of that Charles. Don’t ever stop thinking too much. And the cartoon about the sauce, oops ketchup, wanting to guess the ending; very funny for me.
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
Is it not called ketchup in Australia?
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Bruce
August 12, 2014
No Charles, we call it sauce; tomato sauce, BBQ sauce, chilli sauce. We also say jam, not jelly, as in peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Jelly for us is a dessert item usually, jam is for toast, sandwiches, even cakes; ie strawberry jam, plum jam etc
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She's a Maineiac
August 10, 2014
Well, for me wondering about what “cool” means and writing a post about it is very cool.
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
Thanks, Darla. I hope your summer is going well.
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ranu802
August 10, 2014
Of course if you cannot spend it, how can you say it’s money. all those trendy words people use and you never did, guess what it makes you cooler than the cool, is what I think .I’ve also wondered about those degrees or diplomas awarded to people who drop out from school, yet get it because they’re wealthy, lowers the worth of education.Don’t you think?
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
I don’t know if it lowers the value of education, or if it does anything at all. I don’t understand the practice at all.
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Stacie Chadwick
August 10, 2014
I don’t think anyone can be too cool in the same respect that no one can be too hot.
I do, however, think some people are too vain, in part because they’re too cool AND too hot.
I hate those people. =p
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
I believe everyone in the world is insecure, and we all show it by trying to hide it in different ways.
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nesteasnyder
August 10, 2014
Reblogged this on Aberrant kid.
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bronxboy55
August 12, 2014
Thanks, Roness. How are things on your side of the world?
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nesteasnyder
August 18, 2014
I stare at this question for like, two hours and still don’t know how to answer this one, but I’m still at one peace!! Thank you for asking! 🙂 how about you? 😀
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bronxboy55
August 19, 2014
Doing all right. I think.
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Val Boyko
August 10, 2014
Coolness is in the eye of the beholder … and the culture they happen to be a part of.
Taking a global view … thank goodness we are not cool.
Such a relief 🙂
Val x
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Val Boyko
August 10, 2014
Oops … I should have owned this one …. Thank goodness I am not cool!
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
You’re right. Coolness involves too much pressure.
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MSquared
August 10, 2014
“Cool” is definitely in the eye of the beholder–I think you’re cool because [among other things] you’re honest; neither egotistical nor narcissistic; and you have a kind sense of humor and an entertaining, thoughtful, and surprising way of looking at and expressing things. So rock on, bro! (Sorry, couldn’t resist)
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
Thank you. Those are nice things to hear.
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1of10boyz
August 11, 2014
I was thinking two peas in a pod until you got to not calling people dude or saying groovy. Guess I am just cool and not too cool.
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
I’m most stunned by the comeback that groovy has made. There was a time when no one dared say it.
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Terri S. Vanech
August 11, 2014
Love this! I’ve taken to viewing my non-coolness as a badge of honor. Sounds like maybe you do, too!
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
It’s good to know I’m in such wonderfully-uncool company, Terri.
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Terri S. Vanech
August 14, 2014
Likewise!
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silkpurseproductions
August 11, 2014
You had me at “Top Cat”. Anyone who remembers and references “Top Cat” in a post is definitely cool in my books.
I’ve used the expression “kool” for as long as I can remember except I always spelled it with a “k”. I don’t know why. I think it was a thing when I was younger and it just stuck. “Dude” is in my vocabulary, admittedly, just because it drives He-Who crazy. Mostly I stick to “What’s up buttercup?”
You will always be kool to me, Charles.
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
Thank you, Michelle. You and He-Who are very kool, too.
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lazyperson21
August 11, 2014
I have always taken “Too cool” to be where you have alientated people by your coolness. For example, people who know about bands are cool. People who know that one really obscure band that were influenced by another really obscure band that once did a cover of a well known song in 1972 at a tiny gig are too cool to the point of being dull and no fun to talk to.
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
Yeah, making other people feel uncool is definitely not cool.
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rmwineburg
August 11, 2014
Humility is cool!
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bronxboy55
August 14, 2014
I think so, too.
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marymtf
August 12, 2014
My parents’ generation would say ‘beauty is as beauty does’, perhaps it’s the same with cool.
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bronxboy55
August 16, 2014
I think it’s exactly the same, Mary. I know people who go out of their way to appear eccentric, just to attract attention to themselves. It never works for long.
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Barbara Rodgers
August 12, 2014
“One of those nuclear physicists who hasn’t left the laboratory in six months” – my husband sports that look now and then – I call it an Einstein hair day.
And I had no idea who Huey Lewis is…
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bronxboy55
August 16, 2014
I may go for the Einstein look one day, Barbara. Or maybe Mark Twain, although I’d have to buy a white suit.
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Diane Henders
August 12, 2014
Ha! Good old Huey Lewis – hadn’t heard that one in years. Clearly you’re totally cool… and I mean that in a nice way…
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bronxboy55
August 16, 2014
I consider you an expert on cool, so I’ll take it as a compliment.
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simonandfinn
August 14, 2014
This post is hilarious! Among other gems, I loved: “In a flash of insight that was as notable for its intensity as much as its rarity”. Please, bring it on, bring it, and simply bring your wit to the masses.
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bronxboy55
August 16, 2014
I appreciate your ongoing support and encouragement, almost as much as I love Simon and Finn cartoons.
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Patti Kuche
August 17, 2014
Outta Sight here Charles, just chillin’ with your homies . . .
(That hurt!)
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bronxboy55
August 19, 2014
I know that word homies has been around for years, but I still don’t really know what it means.
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swamiyesudas
May 19, 2015
Your reply to claywatkins in the very first comment makes sense, my Dear Charles! …I do think I had tried some fancy (not too fancy!) hairstyles, and words, when I was Young. Now, have neither the interest nor the time to think or confirm to those things! …Regards. 🙂
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Shingai Zivuku
September 2, 2015
Reblogged this on Zee's Blog and commented:
Sure, you can turn right on red here….
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