There are a lot of people in the world. You probably noticed this the last time you tried to go out for breakfast on a Sunday morning and had to wait ninety minutes for a table. The planet is crawling with human beings, all with their own unique personalities, quirks, and ways of thinking. It should come as no surprise, then, that a few individuals will do things that would never occur to the rest of us. Protestors, for example, sometimes throw shoes at political leaders.
In 2008, an Iraqi journalist removed his shoes and flung them at President George Bush. He missed with both. This last part is not hard to understand. In fact, shoes almost always sail off in the wrong direction, whether they’re aimed at senators or centipedes. A shoe has a strange shape. Think about how difficult it is to throw a football. Now take that football, flatten it, stretch one end and make an opening in the other, add a heel and a tongue, and an arch support if necessary, and then try to pelt someone with it from forty feet away. You can’t do it.
I think, deep down, these dissidents don’t really want to hurt anyone, and may even have some deep-seated, unconscious desire for punishment. They’re never going to hit their target, and they’re always going to get caught. After all, in a room full of spectators who have gathered to see a president or a prime minister or a queen, how many will be barefoot? Typically, none. So if there’s a world leader on stage cowering at the sight of flying footwear, and somebody in the crowd is standing around in his socks and scowling, you’ve likely got your man. The worst part is, he’s going to get arrested and will be sent to prison, where he’ll attempt to act like a tough guy while explaining to the other inmates that his crime consisted of tossing an article of clothing.
Speaking of clothing, are the lifeguards at nude beaches allowed to wear bathing suits? I think it should be their choice, because they’re sitting up in those wooden high chairs with no place to hide. They’re exposed to potential splinters, harmful ultraviolet rays, and seagulls with sharp beaks, not to mention mosquitoes and jellyfish. Plus, sunglasses or not, they have to look at all those naked people parading around. It’s like the locker room at a health club, without the lockers to block your view.
* * * * *
This is a true story. Four months ago, I went online and purchased a book that was supposed to be filled with advice on how to improve my memory. Then, last week, I received an email inviting me to write a review of the book. The problem was, I had made it through only the first five chapters, got bored, stopped reading, and never gave it another thought. When the email arrived, I had no idea what they were talking about. I also had more important things to do, because I’d forgotten to pay the phone bill, had misplaced the car keys, and had neglected to renew my driver’s license. I considered returning the book and demanding my money back, but in order to do that, I had to log into my account, and by now I couldn’t remember the password. I should be making this up, but I’m not.
* * * * *
I tend to feel sorry for anyone whose last name is Gross. At least at first. I realize the name has nothing to do with the kind of person they are, but at the same time, you have to wonder why an entire family would get stuck with a label like that. Maybe their ancestors liked to eat flies, or never brushed their teeth. Or both. And speaking of names, I don’t like it when a character in a movie or on television has the same first name as the actor who’s playing him. It seems to be a sign that the script lacks imagination. I usually bail out immediately and go back to my crossword puzzle.
* * * * *
Whenever I slice open a bell pepper, I get a little tense, because I’m afraid I’m going to see one of those alien embryo things coiled up inside the seed compartment. I love peppers, but I suspect there’s something sinister going on in there. They may be preparing to take over the ecosystem, starting with our refrigerator.
* * * * *
I always have something in my eye. Whatever it is, it must be invisible, because when I search in the mirror, I never actually find anything. But I’m sure it’s there. The sensation is a light, stabbing kind of pinchiness, like the feeling you get when you run a tiny wire brush across your own eyeball, stopping now and then to give the sharp bristles a slight shove inward toward the optic nerve.
I’m a little concerned about this, of course. I could be losing my mind, but more likely it’s a real ailment that will someday affect my vision. I’ve gone to the doctor and had several exams done, but he insists my eyes are fine. Still, it’s troubling. What if I’m working as a lifeguard at a nude beach, immersed in my memory book and biting into a bell pepper, when a naked actor named Gross approaches my high chair and throws a shoe at me? Will I even see it coming? Do we ever?
Ann Koplow
April 30, 2014
Thank goodness this post came out of nowhere this morning, because I needed to read something witty, smart, delightful, interesting, hilarious, and beautifully composed, and there it was.
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bronxboy55
May 1, 2014
I appreciate the kind words, Ann. I’m glad you liked it.
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Ann Koplow
May 1, 2014
I always enjoy your writing, very much.
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morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
April 30, 2014
Charles, what a delightful rant! But a piece of advice: perhaps your eye is suffering from a touch of “dry eye.” It couldn’t hurt to buy some single use eye drops like Systane, which have no preservatives and use them for a couple of days. That may help: I have that same stabbing feeling in my eye and it was diagnosed as dry eye…
As for your other problems, what were they, again?
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bronxboy55
May 1, 2014
I’ll try the drops, Ronnie. Thanks for the suggestion. The problem is often cat hair, which is thin and hard to detect, but is very irritating at the same time.
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Nick G
May 5, 2014
Actually, your eyelids contain thousands of tiny pours that continually lubricate the eyes. When these get clogged they dry up and swell leaving that scratchy feeling every time you blink. Hence “dry eye”. There is a product of soft wipes that require lifting the eyelid and gently clearing off the buildup on the pours. A more complex and involved task than daily drops but yields long term results.
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Running Betty
April 30, 2014
I second ann. I love this random and clever stream of consciousness. What a great read to start the day with!
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bronxboy55
May 2, 2014
Thanks, Betty. I hope the rest of your day went well, too.
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KL
April 30, 2014
That was a very ‘ADHD’ piece. It reminded me if how my son talks. Except he would also add some information about why he is being a dolphin today and why everything he builds with Lego has to have wings…..and somehow he’ll tie it all together at the end. Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂
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bronxboy55
May 2, 2014
I often wonder if everyone’s mind sounds like that — just a random clutter of jumbled thoughts and fragments. It’s amazing that we manage to sound as coherent as we do.
Your son must be fun to have around.
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KL
May 2, 2014
He sure can be….except when it’s like this,”would you like a sandwich for lunch?”
“Hey! I know what ingredients you need when you make bread! And also, there was this piece if wood that was in the sandpit and I thought it was….ha! Did you see that plane? It had smoke, I think it was flying too low, maybe it will crash in our yard! If it crashed, the heat could make our house melt, but maybe not the bricks…I’m hungry!” And then I just bang my head on the kitchen bench!
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bronxboy55
May 3, 2014
He’s probably just some kind of weird genius. Try to survive until he grows up, and when he invents a gamma-ray thing that destroys incoming asteroids, you can tell everyone it was your idea.
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Vanessa-Jane Chapman
April 30, 2014
I think clothing is optional at nudist beaches isn’t it, rather than nudity being essential? Either way, I’m sure the lifeguards are able to wear some – aside from the issues you raised, I’m thinking that if they are trying to save someone who is just grabbing at whatever, well, you know.
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bronxboy55
May 2, 2014
I was trying to not even think about the rescue part of the job.
Thanks for the comment, Vanessa. I hope all is well with you.
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accidentallyreflective
April 30, 2014
Lol!!! My fave part this week has to be about the memory book- I think I’m getting like that too!! And I can’t believe that can be totally true can it?!
You make a good point re the lifeguards clothing – I hadn’t considered their health and safety in terms of sun exposure. Why hasn’t anyone else?! Hmmm
You may enjoy my recent post re the tree of life – something more factual. Have you gotten round to the oil pulling yet? Or did you forget?! 😉 he he
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bronxboy55
May 3, 2014
I didn’t forget about the oil pulling. I just haven’t gotten up enough courage to try it.
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accidentallyreflective
May 4, 2014
I can relate to that- I think I put it off for a few years of knowing about it and since that post I’ve only managed it a few more times 😁
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Hippie Cahier
April 30, 2014
Oh, great. Alien-filled peppers. Something new to worry about. Thanks, Charles. Hey, is that? Wait, I think there might be something in your eye. . . .:-)
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bronxboy55
May 3, 2014
I know this sounds paranoid, but it seems to be that when the peppers are on sale at a really good price is also when they have the alien creatures inside. Whatever’s going on, the supermarket managers are in on it. Which wouldn’t surprise me at all.
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Ashley
April 30, 2014
I can totally identify with the password issue. I have an Excel spreadsheet on my desktop with ALL my passwords – which number about 30 consistantly-changing combinations. If I don’t plug a new one in, or if my system crashes, I’m screwed. Thank you for a good chuckle this morning Charles – I needed it.
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bronxboy55
May 3, 2014
Ashley, my computer has a complete list of all my passwords stored in it, too. It’s just that you need a master password to access the list. You also have to remember where the list is, which I don’t.
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lncdubai
April 30, 2014
The part about memory loss is hysterical. If you check my email there is at least 30 odd ‘forgotten password recovery’ mails on there. Brilliant piece. Thank you very much.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Sometimes I’ll type my password, and I’ll know for certain that it’s correct, and it still doesn’t work. It seems that computer hackers are the only ones who can get into anything these days.
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lncdubai
May 4, 2014
I agree with you there!
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icedteawithlemon
April 30, 2014
Unfortunately, I can relate all too well to “I should be making this up, but I’m not.” I have lost count of the number of abandoned accounts I have in cyberspace–all because I have lost track of passwords that surely seemed reasonable at the time I created them but were almost immediately thereafter dumped into the overflowing trash bin of my short-term memory.
I hope you are soon able to correctly diagnose your eye problem–and I hope you are never forced to put those eyes to work scanning a nude beach, where I’m guessing the risk of being hit by flying shoes would be minor compared to the horrors of being assaulted by the drooping, bulging, flopping, wrinkling “landscape.”
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Karen, you described the nude beach much better than I even wanted to. I’ve been to one — on a French island in the Caribbean more than thirty years ago — and I still get flashbacks.
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Stacie Chadwick
April 30, 2014
Charles,
Reading your random thoughts is a great way to start my day, except the visual of the nude lifeguard. I’ll forgive you for that one.
Enjoy your week!
Stacie
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Thank you, Stacie, for both the comment and the forgiveness.
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silkpurseproductions
April 30, 2014
Quite the cornucopia of thoughts this morning. All extremely compelling on their own, I am always joyfully anticipating how you tie them together at the end. You never disappoint. Just an FYI…all Lifeguards should wear clothing. There would be an over abundance of drowning cougars if their junk was on display.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
You might be right about the lifeguards, Michelle, although I’m trying not to think about it. But I do hope more people have had a chance to read your latest post. It’s excellent:
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silkpurseproductions
May 4, 2014
You are too kind, Charles. I do appreciate the plug.
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cat
April 30, 2014
I so like your blog … as it much reflects of what I am thinking myself … sans my bitterness … u r awesome, Charles … Love, cat.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
I’ve never seen any evidence of your bitterness, cat.
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subodai213
April 30, 2014
I love it when you let your mind (and your fingers) ramble when sitting at the keyboard. It makes me feel as if I’m not alone in this world.
I used to work with a man named Mike Gross. He was one heck of a nice guy and he taught me a lot in how to do my job. His email address was Mike12x12. I was astounded at how many people didn’t get the joke. He was, by the way, ahem…large…much more than 144 pounds.
As for shoes? In some middle eastern cultures, showing the soles of your feet or footwear is a huge insult. Do you remember the fall of Saddam Hussein, when the tv showed people beating on the huge statues of SH with their shoes? That’s the worst insult they could do. Throwing a shoe is similar to an American shouting out something about your mother.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
If I ever see a statue of Saddam Hussein, I’m going to throw one of my mother’s shoes at it.
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subodai213
May 4, 2014
Huh. I saw what his “soldiers” did to innocent Kuwaiti women and children. I would have loved to have been at his hanging…he had it coming.
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desertdweller29
April 30, 2014
I loved every bit of this! Regarding the eye thing… don’t you hate eye floaties, too? It’s like a swarm of gnats, or an old movie projector shooting squiggly lines across the screen. Regarding the shoe thing, I must concur with you, unless the shoe is thrown by a brother. My brother never missed. But he couldn’t throw a baseball to save his life. If the Yankees ever needed a shoe pitcher, they should really call him up. I bet he’s still good. Regarding the Gross name, I knew a really cute boy in high school with that last name, but he remained dateless, as every girl was fearful of being called Mrs. Gross. I still wonder about that cute Gross man and if he ever bagged a Mrs. Gross… Thanks for the laughs, Sir! (Not that you’ll remember this compliment.) 🙂
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
I have a few floaters, too. They can be annoying, but they give me something to do when I’m bored — I move my eyes side-to-side and it’s like watching my own private tennis match.
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Diane Holcomb
April 30, 2014
My father knew someone named Rosie Butts. Now, there’s a moniker I’d try to change.
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bronxboy55
May 3, 2014
It would be worth the court fees, I would think.
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ranu802
April 30, 2014
I guess throwing a shoe at a person indicates how much he hates the person he throws his shoe at and why won’t he dear George destroyed their country.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
I agree, Ranu. Thousands of innocent people died, and the guy who throws a shoe ends up in jail.
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LifeLoofah
April 30, 2014
Loved this randomness! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us – especially the part about peppers. I’ve definitely never thought of them that way before… ha ha.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
It’s best not to look too closely. Just remember that if the peppers are on sale at a great price, there’s going to be something weird inside them.
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Philster999
April 30, 2014
Yeah, they’d kind have an open-and-shut case if you were the only one standing there in your socks, would’t they? (And I loved the randomness too!)
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
I think Nikita Khrushchev started the whole shoe thing that day at the United Nations, and I hope we’ve learned our lesson. Shoe pounding always escalates into shoe throwing.
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earthriderjudyberman
April 30, 2014
Charles … A lifeguard sans clothes. That’s a lot of sunscreen. Funny thought. One of the funniest names I ran into when working at a bank was a customer’s last name was Duzey. His wife’s name? Ima. (true story) 😉
About the eye issue, I agree with Ronnie Hammer. I’d get a second opinion.
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shoreacres
May 2, 2014
The 20th Governor of Texas was Jim Hogg. He had a daughter named Ima. That’s true. The suggestion that she had a sister named Ura is not true.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Some parents just have to get their revenge in early.
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Elyse
May 1, 2014
I personally believe that EVERYBODY (or every body) on a nude beach should be clothed. But that may simply be because I once — purely accidentally — grabbed the breast of a topless woman at a pool in France. In front of my son and hers.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
If not clothed, at least gloved.
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nesteasnyder
May 1, 2014
awesome post ^^ 😀
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Thank you. Glad you liked it.
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raeme67
May 1, 2014
I was going to say something witty, but I forgot what it was? Great piece, funny as always and highly entertaining.
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
Thanks, Rachael.
Remember when I called you a chicken?
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raeme67
May 4, 2014
Yes, I do. I wouldn’t have made the challenge if I would have been in my right mind, but then again, I seldom am.
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Betty Londergan
May 1, 2014
My friend just got back from a nudist organic farm in Hawaii – they even ride tractors nude, which would seem to be a little bit … uncomfortable?? Anyhow, your post made me laugh… except for the part about your discomfort in slicing open a pepper –I feel the same way about cracking open eggs, except that I’ve actually found a half-formed chick inside …. ewwwwwww!
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bronxboy55
May 4, 2014
I’m a vegetarian, but I eat eggs. At least I did until now.
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rangewriter
May 1, 2014
I always assumed that the reason I always miss the cat when I throw my shoe at her is her supernatural powers. Now you tell me it’s just the shape of my shoes? Maybe I should throw that subnatural cat out.
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bronxboy55
May 6, 2014
Cats have an invisible force field around them that repels any thrown objects. I threw my wallet at our cat once and missed by eleven feet. And I’m still looking for my library card. (Please don’t ask me why I would throw my wallet, because I have no idea.)
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Aldog20171
May 2, 2014
I loved your article and found it very entertaining. Definitely gave it a ‘like.’ If you want to read another blog full of silliness, try Begoodorbgoodatit.com
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bronxboy55
May 6, 2014
I’ll definitely take a look. And thanks for the comment.
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She's a Maineiac
May 2, 2014
Um…you probably don’t want to know this but…I actually sliced open a green pepper once about 15 years ago and found a cricket inside. True story, honest to God. (I hate peppers anyway)
Also, my maiden name is Stairs. So you can imagine the fun I had growing up. And people can never spell it. They want to spell it “Stares”. Once my dad told someone on the phone his last name was “Stairs. Y’know, as in upstairs/downstairs.” A month later he got a bill and on the envelope it read: Ralph Downstairs. True story.
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bronxboy55
May 7, 2014
I liked the Stairs story, but you’re right about the cricket inside the pepper: I didn’t want to know.
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shoreacres
May 2, 2014
You know, you probably can stop worrying about the memory thing. Haven’t you noticed that every single website these days has the “Forgotten your password?” utility right up front? They’ve finally figured out that we’re all forgetting our passwords on a daily basis, and are making accommodation.
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bronxboy55
May 7, 2014
I have noticed. The problem is, they email you a new password, which means you have to be able to get into your email account. One time, I absent-mindedly tried to log into online banking by typing the wrong password. After the third try, it froze my account, put me under house arrest, and canceled all flights at every major airport on the east coast.
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marymtf
May 3, 2014
Charles, a previous prime minister of ours had a shoe thrown at him. I guess that the training they get for the top job includes ducking. Myself, I’d be inclined to throw the shoe back. It’s a damned nuisance to be stuck with one shoe. (A bit like the single earrings in my jewellery box that I haven’t the heart to throw out and the single socks waiting for their partners to turn up. There’s something sinister about that last. Where do they go those single socks?)
I always think of gross as a wage rather than an expression of disgust so I’m okay with it as a name. Perhaps it’s Net that should be Gross?
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bronxboy55
May 7, 2014
Canadians prefer to hit their political leaders with pies, I guess because it’s usually too cold to take off your shoes.
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marymtf
May 7, 2014
so much more practical, especially at dinner time
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Nick G
May 5, 2014
My mother used to throw her shoes at me when I was a kid. Do you think she was encouraging me to go into politics?
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bronxboy55
May 7, 2014
No. I think she was encouraging you to go outside.
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Nick G
May 13, 2014
I suppose I was behaving like a politician
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aidaapajko
May 8, 2014
Really enjoyed reading this! Ive started a weekly post ‘Thursday Thoughts’ and would love other bloggers to get involved by posting in the comments of the post what inspires them or a thought they had that day and would appreciate if you got involved and any other bloggers. I will be posting one bloggers comment the following day as a post, as a guest blogger too. Would be great to know what you think http://aidapajkoblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/a-thought-for-thursday-whats-on-your-mind/
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bronxboy55
May 9, 2014
Thanks for the feedback. I think your blog is excellent, and will continue to attract more and more readers. Just keep writing.
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aidaapajko
May 9, 2014
Thanks for the support 🙂 and I’ll definitely keep writing, I’m still new to it and haven’t had my blog for very long so it will take time to reach my goals. But I’m enjoying reading your blog too.
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Damyanti
May 8, 2014
Random is my thing. I did 26 stories on an absolute combination of prompts this April, and was happy I did. And your book review experience? Happens to me all the time!
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bronxboy55
May 9, 2014
Were the 26 stories published in print form? I’m sorry we’ve lost touch to such a degree that I even have to ask you that.
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legallybee
May 9, 2014
Please help spread the word BringBackOurGirls …. Read and share in your free time pls … https://queenbeesonlinejournal.wordpress.com/2014/05/08/voicing-outbringbackourgirls-2/
thanks .
p.s your posts are always out of this world….. triple thumbs up !
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bronxboy55
May 9, 2014
Your post is beautifully written. I hope those girls are found soon, because our attention span grows shorter all the time.
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legallybee
May 10, 2014
thank you :). iHope so too *sigh*
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bugzapperworld
May 30, 2014
Thanks! Very enjoyable..
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bronxboy55
June 1, 2014
I’m glad you liked it.
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lostnchina
June 13, 2014
“This is a true story. Four months ago, I went online and purchased a book that was supposed to be filled with advice on how to improve my memory.”
If memory serves me correct…aren’t all of your stories “true”…? To a greater or lesser extent (ie. As existing in Charles’ mind to be factual occurrences?)
Throwing shoes is common in the Taiwanese assembly (ie. Government – not assembly of mongoose or of children in a school – they have more sense than that). But personally, I’d rather throw something worthless, like a roll of toilet paper or a bell pepper with a worm in it.
I’m sorry for your memory/eyeball issues and fear of lifeguarding a nude beach. If you ever find yourself in such a perilous situation, such as as lifeguarding for a nude beach, please let me know and I’ll send you a pair of my good walking shoes. The sand can get pretty hot out there in the summer.
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bronxboy55
June 14, 2014
Most of the stories are mostly true, Susan. That’s really the best I can do, because memory is wonderfully unreliable. But the one about the memory book sounded like a bad joke, so I felt the need to preface it with an assurance of its veracity.
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