Three weeks ago, I began a temporary full-time job. The position requires me to meet with clients and interview them about their financial circumstances. Then I’m supposed to prepare their income tax returns, combining the information they’ve provided and my knowledge of intricate fiscal laws and regulations.
It may not be possible to describe how unlikely a situation this is.
Whenever I read tax forms and publications, I can actually feel my cerebral cortex curling up in a corner of my head and sucking its own thumb. When I try to interpret and explain what I’ve read to anxious customers, I sound as though I’m speaking a language that I’m devising right on the spot. When I welcome people into my office, I’m tempted to say something like, “The real professional is on his lunch break and will be back soon. I’m just here to keep you company and make sure you don’t snoop through the files while he’s gone.”
The truth is, if skill at handling money were a measure of physical health, I would be on life support. If the ability to comprehend legal and technical jargon were a sign of intelligence, I would still be in the fourth grade. Compounding the problem is my stubborn tendency to look for logic in all the wrong places. I expect people – and the bureaucracies they’ve created – to behave in ways that make sense. As a result, I’m almost always observing the world from a perspective of complete bewilderment, like someone who’s crash-landed from another galaxy and has arrived just in time to watch the next Pokemon movie.
The crime of embezzlement serves as a clear example of this. According to a 1952 Supreme Court decision, embezzled funds are fully taxable. The statute appears to be based on the theory that anyone dishonest enough to pirate someone else’s bank account – risking a prison sentence as well as the potentially violent retribution of the victims — will somehow abandon their cheating ways when faced with a blank box on a tax form. My mind persists in sifting through this and similar rules, struggling to find the wisdom behind the words. I should know better, but I don’t.
And so there I sit, day after day, peering across a tiny desk at men and women who have come to me for help and advice concerning vital matters related to medical deductions, non-refundable credits, and pension income splitting. They might as well be going to Donald Duck for diction lessons.
On the other hand, I have been studying for months, and have managed to absorb a surprising quantity of information. One thing I’ve learned is that most people, when faced with the task of working on their taxes, would rather go to an oral surgeon and have their skulls removed with an electric scroll saw. Or so it seems. They venture in with wads of folded receipts, wrinkled evidence of past root canals and ear infections, each accompanied by a detailed narration of the procedure or illness – the fear, the pain, the medical insurance coverage and the resulting co-pay. But when I ask them who did their taxes last year or even where the return was done, they freeze in visible anguish, as though I were probing into some long-repressed childhood trauma. Their eyes are blank, a mask for what I now recognize is a feeling of discomfort that borders on real terror.
“I can’t remember,” they say. “I think my sister did it for me online.”
Insulating them from their agonizing memories are stacks of useless paper – notices from the bank, letters from obscure agencies, the warranty booklet that came with a washing machine they purchased in 1978. But misplaced and apparently gone forever are the critical documents they need to fill out what should be a fairly simple tax return. As a result, they owe three thousand dollars to the federal government, an unpleasant fact that is now my job to convey – and which will instantly become my fault.
Meanwhile, I’m working in a space the size of a gas station bathroom. The computer occupies the whole desk, and acts like an employee who wants to be fired, disconnecting itself from the Internet at will and at the worst possible moment. The telephone sits perched on a small countertop, right next to an adding machine that doesn’t care at all for arithmetic. Side by side, each is a maddening piece of equipment that I would like to grind into fine powder. More than once, in full view of a client, I have put the phone receiver to my ear and attempted to dial an important number by punching the keys on the adding machine. Luckily, the dial tone drones on just long enough to alert me to my mistake, and then I re-dial the number on the phone while punching the adding machine keys once more, pretending that I had been trying to do some critical calculation while waiting for the call to go through.
This conversion of chaos into order is sometimes a long and grueling ordeal, one that brings about an unexpected bond. By the time our session is over and I’ve collected the necessary signatures and transmitted the finished return, the desk seems to have vanished entirely. I’ve gotten to know the person seated across from me – not just as a taxpayer, but also as a human being. I’ve learned about their daughter’s wedding, their cousin’s bankruptcy, or their mother’s cancer. They’ve told me about the job they lost last summer, and how hard it’s been to find another. I’ve heard about a healthy grandson, a difficult divorce, or a student loan that continues to haunt them a decade after graduation.
They were just clients when they walked in, a set of facts and figures ready to be processed and filed. When they get up to leave, they are much more. Not a friend in the true sense of the word, but something close. That’s because a good deal of the uncertainty and discomfort — both theirs and mine – has been replaced by trust. We’ve condensed into an hour the kind of connection it often takes a lifetime to develop.
As I said, it may not be possible to describe how unlikely a situation this is.
* * * * *
Tax Tip: When trying to use an adding machine to make a long-distance call, press the division symbol before dialing the area code and number.
Chichina
March 6, 2014
I love how you aren’t afraid to poke fun at yourself. Your beautiful human side shines through, when you take the time to learn something personal about the people you are serving. I use Turbo Tax every year and I have to say it is beyond slick. It is simple and easy to use, and interfaces with Revenue Canada. It also costs almost nothing…….Congratulations on the job, though.
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bronxboy55
March 7, 2014
Some of the computer software, as well as the online programs, are good. The advantage of the face-to-face approach is that you can ask questions — and be questioned — which can result in deductions that might otherwise have gone unnoticed. (Am I starting to sound like an infomercial?)
Thanks, Sonia. I hope you’re doing well.
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ranu802
March 6, 2014
There are so many things I learn just by reading your post it is awesome. Yes the dreaded tax month is coming and I hope all my papers are ready.I am supposed to get them by mail,then again our postal system is another thing you might have to look at and tell us why is it so slow?
I enjoyed reading your post,thank you.
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bronxboy55
March 7, 2014
Ranu, feel free to send me an email if you have questions about your taxes. I might not know the answer, but I can probably contact people who do.
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Ann Koplow
March 6, 2014
I have no words to express my appreciation and gratitude for this post today. It may not be possible to describe how unlikely a situation this is.
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bronxboy55
March 7, 2014
Thanks, Ann. I’m grateful to you, as well.
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Snoring Dog Studio
March 6, 2014
Even if I didn’t use your services to do my taxes, I’d love to sit across the desk from you and have a nice talk. I bet every one of your clients leave thinking that they’ve just met the nicest man ever, even though he confused the adding machine with the phone. Turbo Tax might be a lot easier and quicker, but it’s a lousy companion.
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bronxboy55
March 7, 2014
I don’t know if any of them feel that way, Jean, but I know a few have left pretty angry. If their refunds aren’t as much as they were expecting, they assume I’m to blame, and they storm off.
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Snoring Dog Studio
March 7, 2014
That’s harsh, Charles. Oh, well. I admire you for doing this – and I’m sure people like to vent to you.
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Doug Bittinger
March 6, 2014
Very good, Charles. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be a tax man. I have some inkling because I’ve done my own taxes for decades – and those of my nearby relatives and friends. I expect to be audited at any moment, and when that happens, i plan to answer every question with “Under advice of my counsel I invoke my Fifth Amendment right to refuse to answer that question.”
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bronxboy55
March 7, 2014
I promise to visit you in prison, Doug, but only if you promise to visit me.
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Margo Karolyi
March 6, 2014
Years (and years and years) ago, when personal computers first came on the scene, I was ‘volunteered’ by the Community College where I worked to use a brand new income tax program to help Senior Citizens complete their returns (for free). The person doing the scheduling booked them in 30 minutes apart. The first day I was woefully behind by the third person. Seniors, more than anyone else, love to tell you their life’s history and the story behind every receipt, etc. It was both a trying and exceptionally enlightening experience (and I’m glad I only did it once!) Kudos to you!
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
I agree about the enlightening part, Margo. But a part of me groans inside when one of them comes in with their 9×12 envelope stuffed with scraps of paper. The software is amazing, but it needs the correct input. Only a human can deal with a hundred coffee-stained receipts.
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kerbey
March 6, 2014
So adding machines have call apps now? Cool. As I read this, I thought it would end with you hurling yourself out of a skyscraper, but somehow you made it seem like you didn’t want to kill yourself after doing taxes. You must do yoga or something.
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
Fortunately, my tiny office is on the first floor. And it has no windows. I think I forgot to mention that.
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cat
March 6, 2014
So looove your blog, Mr. Bronx … smiles … I work as a social worker/ psych nurse, so tip#13 might be handy for you as well: Always leave your car unlocked … in case you have to get away rreeaallyy quickly … smiles. Love, cat.
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
Funny you should say that, cat. I’ve been noticing lately that after a long day of tax returns, I go outside and can’t even find my car.
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icedteawithlemon
March 6, 2014
A wordsmith extraordinaire who is also a tax consultant? I hereby appoint you Supreme Ruler of the Oxymorons (a title previously held by this English teacher/biker chick). Seriously, my fear and dread of going to the dentist is well documented, but I would prefer a bloody encounter with the scroll saw-wielding oral surgeon over a headache-inducing appointment with the tax man (at least the oral surgeon would give me something to numb the pain). And yet, I can’t help thinking that you would be very forgiving of my sloppy record-keeping, would ask for my payment in the kindest of tones, and would even offer me a tissue as I cried farewell to my money. 🙂
Loved the Donald Duck line!
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
Karen, the only consolation is that we’re supposed to go to the dentist every six months, while tax returns are filed only once a year. And I still think School Principal/Biker Chick beats any odd combination of careers I might have.
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subodai213
March 6, 2014
You, sir, have grasped it. Congratulations on yet another scintillating post of truth and beauty.
Do I sound like I’m high? Yep….I usually take a good whiff of nitrous oxide before walking into H&R Block.
But it IS a lovely, perfectly aimed and targeted post. Do you do taxes near Seattle?
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
Don’t be too high — you have a lot of forms to sign.
You’re near Seattle? I guess I knew you’d left Detroit, but I didn’t know you went that far.
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subodai213
March 8, 2014
I live about an hour and half drive south of Seattle. My family moved out of Detroit, and further north in Michigan, when I was 13. But once I joined the Army and left MI, I knew I’d never go back there to live. Too much snow and ice in winter, too much humidity and sweltering heat in summer, too few job opportunities, just Too. I still have have siblings still living there, but WA state is home, now. Yeah, we got a lot of rain…but I don’t have to shovel it out of the driveway.
Charles…I just love your writing. Even if we didn’t seemingly have a lot in common-(for instance, I have second cousins living in Montreal), I just love your writing. You are a master of the droll, the subtle, the slightly self deprecating humor that just hits me just right. I’m always happy to see a new post on your blog.
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shoreacres
March 6, 2014
It might help for you to purchase one of those wizard hats, like Mickey wore in “Fantasia”. A few years ago, my mom got a letter from the IRS telling her she owed them around $50K and change. After I got her up off the floor and calmed her down, I went full tilt to the office of the man who’d done her taxes for a few years. By the time he was done, the IRS owed Mom about $2K.
When I asked him how he’d done it, he said, “I”m a magician.” You might look into that.
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
I’m a magician, too, Linda. Although it sounds as though your mom’s friend was the Houdini of tax returns. I’m more like the guy who entertains at birthday parties. I’m still working on my balloon animals.
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Betty Londergan
March 6, 2014
I would totally go to you to do my taxes … if only I lived in Canada! At the very least, we’d get a good laugh out of all my cursing over “sunken costs” — that would be all my husband’s idiotic real estate investments. TMI????
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bronxboy55
March 8, 2014
I guess he grew up hearing the same words of wisdom I did: “Real estate is the best investment, because it never goes down in value.” The only thing they left out was, “Read my lips.”
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suburbanlife
March 6, 2014
You might do double-duty as tax preparer and psychotherapist, but wait, you have reported that you are already doing both. I need your help, badly, April 30 is looming dangerously close. A timely, funny and self-deprecating post. Thanks! G
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
I think a little psychotherapy plays a part in many professions. And I’ve learned that tax prep is definitely one of them.
Thanks for the kind words.
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Diane Holcomb
March 6, 2014
Diction lessons from Donald Duck. Hilarious! I would love for you to do my taxes. Not because I think you have any skill as a tax accountant, but because you seem to make the process more humane. And you’re just darn funny. Best post ever!
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
At some point, Diane, the numbers are what they are. Making the process a little more humane is often the most we can do.
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genusrosa
March 6, 2014
It’s not every day I read a post that combines taxes, dental extractions, math of any description, gas station bathrooms; (did I miss a trip to the DMV??) and yet I continue reading…smiling…laughing…understanding; brilliant, yet again! Thank you.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
I guess in some ways the tax return is a reflection of a person’s life, so it’s possible to bounce off it in almost any direction. I’m glad you liked the post.
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Choosing
March 6, 2014
Taxes….shudder. – But why on earth is someone who writes so funny and sharp and beautiful wasting his precious time with other people’s taxes?
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Well, thank you. That’s very nice of you to say. But anything we do out in the world is a kind of research that can feed our writing. Don’t you think?
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silkpurseproductions
March 6, 2014
Oh, how I feel your pain. One of my clients is a large accounting firm. I write their “blog” for their website. They send me multiple documents on various tax topics and I am supposed read them and make something comprehensible out of them. First let me say, I have never done my own taxes. I have always paid someone else to do them. I wouldn’t even let my Dad do them when he did all the family taxes because I didn’t think he could possibly be doing it right. Within the first six minutes of immersing myself in the documents my eyes glaze over and I become unresponsive. He-Who has been given the task of snapping me out of it on the 10 minute mark and then it starts over. I don’t know how you are staying sane. Please tell me you are doing this as research for a book. One I can read and understand.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Let’s commiserate someday, Michelle, maybe after tax season. And I hadn’t thought of the book idea. We’ll see. Meanwhile, I hope you’re staying sane, too.
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Sandra Parsons
March 6, 2014
Taxes – as if it wasn’t painful enough having to pay them at all, governments across the globe make their tax systems so difficult that most citizens rather face root canal surgery than doing their taxes. We have started our own company last year and it may not be possible to describe how lucky I feel that my dear husband and co-owner of said company is an accountant by profession. I know, I have all the luck.
Congratulations to you on the new job and to your clients on … you 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
What kind of business did you and your husband start? I hope it’s going well.
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Sandra Parsons
March 9, 2014
A dive center of course, and we are only getting started.
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sheenmeem
March 6, 2014
This was totally hilarious.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Thank you. I’m glad you think so.
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eobonyo
March 7, 2014
I always wondered what it is you did for a living.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Me too.
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Stacie Chadwick
March 7, 2014
Wow, a tax guy. I would have never guessed. My dad manages an H&R Block office seasonally. Even though he doesn’t have to pour over numbers, he too, would rather have some type of elective surgery performed on him sans-pain meds than go to work. Thank you for fighting the brave fight. I have my turbotax software sitting on the counter where it will stay until about April 14ish. I’ll get them done, but not without a lot of swearing, shouting, and possibly crying involved.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Why don’t you have someone in your Dad’s office do your taxes?
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Stacie Chadwick
March 14, 2014
Good question. He lives several states away and the thought of gathering all of that info and sending it to KY sounds almost as bad as doing my taxes. =)
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Amiable Amiable
March 8, 2014
Sounds, um, well, taxing. I love your tax tip. Only you could make this subject matter fun and entertaining … she said as she anxiously asked her husband if he’s filed yet.
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bronxboy55
March 9, 2014
Relax. You still have five weeks.
We need to catch up — soon. (Before your trip.) (And after.)
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earthriderjudyberman
March 8, 2014
Oh, the pain! My brother is an accountant. He’s told me about clients who haven’t filed in YEARS and he has to straighten it all out. I don’t envy you Charles, but I do like how simpatico you are as you wade thru the endless paperwork and punch the adding machine to get outside help. 😉
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
Judy, I remember when an accountant friend came over to my house once to help me with my taxes. I handed him a shoebox filled with receipts and felt so proud that I had kept them, never considering how much work it would be for him to scrutinize each one. I guess I’m finally learning my lesson.
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Marie
March 9, 2014
The next time I distractedly stow laundry in the garbage and dispose of waste in the washing machine, I will consult my calculator for assistance and wonder if the tax man knows the answer to such nonsense. Thank you for decoding the magic in the madness of the mundane.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
Thanks, Marie. That last sentence sounds like something you could turn into an entire blog post.
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Elyse
March 9, 2014
Once again, Charles, you inhabited my brain. Although mine is never used for tax purposes (that’s why I got married and made my husband promise not to die first). But your logic and bemusment at where you are is so very familiar. The world is filled with illogic and it frankly makes me crazy. That is why I failed at French, in fact, because it is not a logical language.
And I too professionally work on things i do not understand, and have to explain what it is I don’t understand to others. As you put it, Donald Duck giving diction lessons. That one line sums up my life perfectly and hilariously!
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
Actually, Elyse, the ability to recognize the illogic is helpful when trying to explain something to others. It lets them know that it is confusing, and that it isn’t their fault if they can’t make sense of it.
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rangewriter
March 9, 2014
OMG, embezzled funds are fully taxable….my cackle, on reading this, elicited surprised quacks from the cat in my lap! And THEN, I continued to read and guffaw as the cat’s head swiveled in perplexed dismay. Oh lordy. This was fun. The ONLY fun thing I can think of about tax season. Thankfully, mine are all done…but for writing the freakin’ check. Good luck in this crazy endeavor!
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
Open up your 1040 instructions, Linda, or do a quick search. The issue of embezzled funds is there, along with other unexpected rules. Congratulations on getting your taxes done so early.
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rangewriter
March 10, 2014
If only we could convince the powers that be to simplify the tax code. But wait…that would put millions of guys like you out of business! 😉
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Gail
March 9, 2014
So nice to hear I’m not alone in my quest to find the logic in everything. It’s frustrating to be that way in a world where people just accept things. Don’t you agree?
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
I do agree. And sometimes there may be logic buried beneath the layers of confusion, but it’s just too much work to go looking for it. We don’t have enough time, and so it’s easier to sit back and decide we’ll never understand.
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daisy
March 10, 2014
Congratulations on your new temporary full-time job — though I’m not sure what that means! I’m sure your clients are in good hands, if only for the fact that you understand how they feel, “would rather go to an oral surgeon and have their skulls removed.” (I didn’t know that was possible. Yikes.) I am glad that you are keeping up with the blog to help send some smiles around during these Ides of March.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2014
I worked sixty-two hours last week, and fifty-two the week before — that’s the full-time part. But the filing deadline in Canada is April 30th, which is when the job will end for this year — that’s the temporary part. I have a few friends who are CPAs in the US, and they always talk about tax season the way people on the East Coast talk about hurricane season. I’m starting to understand.
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lostnchina
March 10, 2014
Charles, I’m not sure whether to be in awe or a little afraid of you for being so tax- as well as literate-savvy. You may already know what I’m having for dinner before I do. I, as everyone else around you, am getting my receipts and papers ready to submit to my ACCOUNTANT. I know my true physical and mental limitations, so have wisely decided not to take up skydiving without a parachute and forgo doing my own taxes. The other day I found a receipt for a double scoop of designer ice cream (salted caramel and balsamic vinegar, I believe) and have no idea why it’s in my folder labeled RENTAL HOUSE RECEIPTS. As the ice cream costs more than what a Chinese factory worker earns in half a day, it would be nice to write this off. Any suggestions? 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2014
Susan, my advice would be to begin working on a book entitled something like, Foods I Would Never Dream of Eating. Then every weird meal or dessert would qualify as research, and therefore a business expense. (By the way, you didn’t hear that from me.)
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whyistherebreadinmykoolaid
March 15, 2014
These posts never fail to crack me up! Every time I visit I just can’t wait to see what I’ll find.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2014
I’m glad, and thank you for saying so. I appreciate that you take the time to read and comment.
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bladenomics
March 15, 2014
Haha Tax makes my brains search for itself . Passing Tax papers were miracles that helps me believe in miracles.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2014
It’s a lot of information, isn’t it? And it keeps changing.
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bladenomics
March 19, 2014
Oh tell me about it. Especially when you don’t pass it and the next exam, you have to study something different. Which is worse wen you never studied in the first place to know what has changed.
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ArborFam
March 18, 2014
It’s amazing how many aspects of life (and especially man-made culture) one can’t think too hard about without causing deep confusion and utter paralysis. I applaud you for being able to endure hour after hour of doing taxes. I can barely get through my own.
Writer, tax man…what’s next? Professional baseball player?
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2014
I’m thinking I may have to give up on the dream of a baseball career. How are things in warm Florida?
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jeanjames
March 20, 2014
Taxes…yuk! Isn’t there a harbor we can throw some tea in instead?
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bronxboy55
March 24, 2014
There is, but I think it’s still frozen.
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awax1217
June 25, 2014
I too did this route. I became very disturbed as I was manipulated by people trying to rob the system. They claimed children that did not exist or were shared because they lived in their location for a week. They lied and cheated and expected me to go along with their lies and scams. Who would the government go after them or me? I was on a limb and the tree was rotten. Do you know how easy it is to make up forged documents? I quickly retreated back to the real world and told those liars to get a job and run for Congress.
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bronxboy55
June 26, 2014
I met several people who were trying to have their kids diagnosed with autism just so they could claim certain tax benefits. That was a little disturbing.
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m88bet
August 20, 2015
Several tax paper giving me a headache, it brings more trouble for me …))
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