I tend to read a lot of books about science, because the universe is a mysterious place. In fact, it’s the most mysterious place I’ve ever been to — not including the motor vehicle department — and I’d like to understand it as much as I can.
Part of the problem is that most of what we see, and what we can’t see, exists on a scale that’s either too tiny or too enormous for our minds to comprehend. That’s why we measure things according to how many of them will fit on the head of a pin, or how many football fields would stretch from here to there. That approach usually doesn’t help, but we keep trying.
First, there was the Theory of Relativity, which I used to think might explain why my family was so weird. And then, sometime in high school, I heard about Quantum Mechanics, and I thought they were guys who fixed foreign cars. Not a promising sign, I know, but I had to start somewhere.
* * * * *
In 1905, Albert Einstein was working in a quiet patent office in Switzerland when he began publishing his ideas about energy, matter, light, gravity, time, and space. Again, this was at the dawn of the twentieth century, when there were twelve cars on the road and not one of them had heated seats or cruise control. The radio hadn’t even been invented yet. Fortunately for Einstein, neither had online solitaire. The theories he produced represented a major leap forward, and left many other scientists wobbling in their boots.
Over the next two decades, physicists developed quantum mechanics, which sought to identify the nature of atoms, as well as subatomic particles. It also tried to describe what things were like down there, a bizarre and tricky endeavor.
According to one aspect of the theory, electrons can pop in and out of existence – disappearing from their original location and appearing somewhere else at the very same instant. It makes my brain hurt to think about. So does the hypothetical case of the astronaut traveling at near the speed of light, who, according to relativity, returns to Earth to discover that he’s now younger than his grandchildren.
I could probably figure some of this out, eventually, but it would require a lot of work, including some obscure math symbols and one of those big blackboards on wheels, which I don’t really have room for. Instead, I’ve attempted to reduce all of it to a generic rule that seems to make sense on this middle level we all occupy between atoms and galaxies:
The universe is in balance.
Equilibrium is the official term. It has five syllables and sounds Latin, which makes it seem impressive, but it just means that if something happens over here, something else will happen over there to compensate. That’s the important thing to remember, because it covers almost everything we need to worry about.
When you lose your watch, somewhere in the world a single shoe appears spontaneously in the middle of a busy street. When you drop a quarter and it rolls under the stove, someone thousands of miles away discovers an extra twenty-five cents in their checking account, or in the pocket of last year’s winter coat. When you find a pair of socks in your house and they belong to no one who lives there, somebody on another continent is walking around barefoot and scratching his head. This is why I don’t buy lottery tickets. I’m afraid if I ever won, I’d get run over by a steam shovel on my way to collect.
* * * * *
One of the basic tenets of physics is that, in a closed system, matter can never be created or destroyed. If you look around in our house – or any house — you’ll find old toothbrushes, pencils that are two inches long, and a receipt from pants someone bought in 1995. You’ll also find plastic containers with no lids and plastic lids with no containers. And six unmatched gloves. I have printer cables and power cords from computers that have already turned to dust in a landfill.
Once, when I was pushing a wheelbarrow filled with rocks, my son hit me in the back of the neck with a Frisbee, which I then picked up and flung into a field of potato plants about four hundred feet away. When we went to get it, the thing was gone. It was bright orange and fifteen inches in diameter. We’d watched it land, then went right to the spot, but it had vanished. We looked all around the area and even went back the next morning, and we never found it. I’m sure that a little boy and his father in South America have that Frisbee, and still talk about the sunny spring day when the strange object popped into existence out of thin air, like one of those electrons. Probably while they were picking potatoes.
But it isn’t just matter and energy that must be in balance. Everything wants to be in equilibrium, and I do what I can to help it along.
When I shop for groceries, I buy foods that say “Restaurant Style” on the package. This is to make up for the “home-style” meals I always order in restaurants.
I try never to use coupons for free pizza, because if I do, the price of gas is guaranteed to jump just as I’m leaving the house.
For every doctor who excelled in medical school, there’s another who barely made it through, which means that almost half of them got below-average grades. Before I make an appointment for a check-up, I ask for official copies of their transcripts.
When things don’t add up, we become uneasy. A famous singer died last year, and when the announcement was made, it included the fact that she had recorded “more than twenty-four albums.” I immediately stopped thinking about the woman and started wondering why they were so unsure about the number. A few days later, I read that some tourist destination has “more than thirty-two golf courses.” Apparently, golf courses are just as hard to count as record albums are.
It’s all about balance. I’m pretty sure that at this very moment, there’s a man applying for a job at the patent office in Switzerland. But he’s mistakenly gone to the motor vehicle department, more than three hundred football fields away. Maybe I’ll go buy that lottery ticket after all, even though my chances of winning could fit on the head of a pin.
subodai213
January 22, 2014
Thank you for explaining this for me! I feel better now that I know why things happen, such as when I pull the laundry out of the dryer and discover only five socks rather than the six I put in it. My one complaint is the socks with holes in them NEVER disappear..;-)
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bronxboy55
January 23, 2014
I’ve noticed the same thing about the socks. Maybe the alternate universe has higher standards, and rejects the ones with the holes.
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Scorpion Sting
January 22, 2014
Knowledge makes us humans uneasy because we don’t always understand everything. When we think we have a grasp on it all something small gets tossed into the mix and then we get to start all over. We try, we fail, we try, we fail, but at least we keep trying.
Very nice post. I like your lottery odds, they seem a bit greater than what I would expect them to be for myself.
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bronxboy55
January 23, 2014
I think many of the real problems come about because we don’t accept gaps in our knowledge, but insist on filling them in with whatever happens to fit the empty space. I know I do that, although not always consciously.
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Laura Aanenson
January 22, 2014
“I try never to use coupons for free pizza, because if I do, the price of gas is guaranteed to jump just as I’m leaving the house.” OMG – I thought it was just me!! LOL
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bronxboy55
January 23, 2014
Yesterday, I went to the post office to get the mail, and there was one check and three bills. That seems to happen almost every time, too.
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nerdinthebrain
January 22, 2014
Hehe…that “more than twenty-four” thing always gets me too. 😀 As always, a fantastic post!
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bronxboy55
January 23, 2014
Thanks. It’s always good to hear from you.
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gliderpilotlee
January 22, 2014
Oh, good, then there’s the German lady that shows up in a farm house in Minnesota and tells the lady that live there. ” Quit flippin’ that light switch”
Recently attended an Astronomy lecture, fantastic minds, some were honest enough to comment on the phrase and past scientists proclaiming “This is what we know for sure” Hmm , maybe not?
A thought to share: if light travels from there to here, something near 10 billion light years distance. Maybe , just maybe the time passed and the distance involved has distorted our view?
thanks again for a good chuckle
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
According to relativity, we alter space-time whenever we walk across a room, or ride in an elevator. When you step back and consider the complexity, it does seem to quickly lose all meaning.
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gliderpilotlee
January 25, 2014
Good – perspective – I will get a treat again this eve. to hang out with Science Nerds. Recently a client mentioned something about exploring the planet we live on, we’ve done some, we should do this even more to find better answers- maybe not lose the meaning in translation?
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ranu802
January 22, 2014
“Home Style” “Restaurant Style” it’s very interesting to note. It’s another awesome post.
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
I’ve always wondered what “home-style” even means, Ranu. Whose home? There are even foods for dogs that are advertised as home-style, which I guess helps to distinguish them from the meals dogs get when they go out to eat in restaurants.
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Ruth Rainwater
January 22, 2014
Now I know all I need to know about science – thanks!!
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
That’s a scary thought, Ruth.
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ArborFam
January 22, 2014
For as essential as balance and equilibrium are to the meaning of the universe, it’s amazing to me how easily our individual lives fall out of balance. I have tried for years to balance my eating, my work-play ratio, my competitiveness versus compassion–even my times to focus and times to relax. Much to my confusion and chagrin these and other important areas of my life are always straining to move away from equilibrium, not toward it. I’m a huge believer in balance–or the golden mean as the ancients called it. I just wish it was easier to attain.
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
Kevin, I think you at least have the advantage of being someone who’s aware of balance when you find it, and the lack of it when you don’t.
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icedteawithlemon
January 22, 2014
What an entertaining read! You had me chuckling right from the start with your interpretation of the Theory of Relativity and kept me rolling all the way through to your observations on the uncertain count of albums and golf courses. And now I’m wondering how all my missing plastic containers and lids and gloves ended up in Canada … and if my missing brown shoe might be in that potato field (could you check for me, please?).
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
I’ve read that there’s a huge mass of stuff floating around in the Pacific Ocean. Maybe our things are there?
http://marinedebris.noaa.gov/info/patch.html
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clburdett
January 22, 2014
Fun read!
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
Thanks, C.L.
By the way, the link to your blog seems to be broken.
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clburdett
January 24, 2014
Hi! Sometimes it says my page doesn’t exist, too… 🙂 if you like, I googled my name, “clburdettwrites” and it got me there. I have a feeling it said it was broken, because I do not pay for my wordpress account 😉 lol… Sorry about that. I enjoy reading your works, very upbeat and positive!
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rangewriter
January 22, 2014
omg, Charles, I so envy your command of humor. This is splendid.
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
Thanks, Linda. This is one of those posts that had nowhere to go, so I felt free to wander.
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Mikels Skele
January 22, 2014
I think you’re onto something. One thing, though, has me perplexed: why haven’t the single shoes matched up with the missing socks?
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
It seems there’s another force that scientists still haven’t noticed — like articles of clothing tend to repel each other.
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Mikels Skele
January 24, 2014
There’s more than one doctoral dissertation there…
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kerbey
January 22, 2014
“I’m sure that a little boy and his father in South America have that Frisbee, and still talk about the sunny spring day when the strange object popped into existence out of thin air, like one of those electrons.”–priceless. When we are at church, we always talk about balance–be content but not too content that you don’t strive. When I am in yoga, it’s all about balancing your fat right batwing with your fat left thigh. And the latest topic has been “muscle imbalances,” like using my right hand w/ this mouse right now. Thanks for a great post.
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
And thank you for the nice comment. I hope we all find more balance this year.
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Kathryn McCullough
January 22, 2014
LOVE your explanation of balance. I lost a shoe on a volcano here in Ecuador just before New Years. So maybe it has resurfaced as an amputated toe somewhere in China? Have I got this down correctly? LOL
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
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bronxboy55
January 24, 2014
Actually, your lost shoe could turn up anywhere, and as anything. That’s the beauty of the theory.
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desertdweller29
January 22, 2014
This is going to sound really weird, but I think I have your frisbee in my backyard. No joke. A bright orange one has been wedged in our garden for years. And all this time I thought it was the knuckle-headed neighbor kids. I believe your theories are correct! (Except for the Theory of Relativity. I have to believe that’s how I’m related to my brothers… I just have to.)
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
The next time one of those wormhole portal things opens up in the sky, maybe you could fling the Frisbee into it. I’d appreciate that, and I’m sure my son would, too.
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silkpurseproductions
January 22, 2014
I have always subscribed to the fact that Theory of Relativity is the only explanation to my very weird and awkward family background. I’m feeling a little sick now that you have insinuated otherwise.
By the way we lost a sausage somewhere in between me cooking five and only four making it to the plates. Any chance it rolled onto your plate?
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
I’m a vegetarian, Michelle, so I would have noticed a sausage. Do you have a dog, by any chance?
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silkpurseproductions
January 25, 2014
No dog. We don’t even have mice this year!
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
I’ll check again tonight. It could still be in transit.
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silkpurseproductions
January 25, 2014
I appreciate that.
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Choosing
January 23, 2014
Somewhere in this universe there must be floating around: one big lid of a black pot and 2 ladles that mysteriously disappeared when we moved. I could swear they were in one of the boxes… (And I won’t even start about the socks that get sucked into the vortex of the big sock eating monster every time we visit my mum and use her washing machine!)
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
The lid and the ladles disappearing during your move is strange enough. But what about things that disappear while you’re living in your home, things that would have no reason to ever leave the kitchen?
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Snoring Dog Studio
January 23, 2014
You’ve reminded me about how futile it is to expect things to hum along at an easy, peaceful pace. When I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, I’ll say that I can’t wait for things to settle down. Yet, in the background, things are just gearing up to go awry and cattywampus. You could be my guru. Please help me find my other bedroom slipper first.
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
The fact that you would even consider having me as your guru just illustrates how much trouble you’re already in.
By the way, did you use the word cattywampus because it’s negative and has the word cat in it? Remember, it’s a dog-eat-dog world.
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Snoring Dog Studio
January 26, 2014
I used it as a catalyst for further comment. Thank you.
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Stacie Chadwick
January 23, 2014
Charles, I seriously love the way your mind works. I never, ever find a pair of socks that don’t belong to someone in my family. What I DO find are dozens and dozens of single socks who have lost their mates. Tell me, what happens to all of those socks and why would someone else halfway across the globe get just one? I feel especially bad for whoever ends up with my 13 year-old son’s.
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
Stacie, I think the only answer to the lost sock problem is to settle on one style and color and have all of your socks match with each other. It’s boring, I know, but most foolproof solutions are.
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Sherry
January 23, 2014
Your mind works a lot like mine, which is pretty darn frightening when you think about it. I didn’t think the universe was big enough, and now I’ll have to count the potatoes to see if there is an even or odd number, since I just noticed that there is a big hole in the cloud cover. You obviously know what I’m talking about.
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
The question is, which one of us should be more frightened? I think you should. As for the potatoes, I’m pretty sure they travel underground, and always in pairs. If you have an odd number, report it immediately.
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Doug Bittinger (@DougBittinger)
January 23, 2014
You know, human beings work very hard at understanding all this physics stuff. But all we really need to do is figure out how to force a cat to divulge it’s secrets. We cannot of course, but if we could we could travel the galaxy unimpeded. I used to own cats. I don’t any more, I got smart and switched to dogs because dogs are not aliens sent here to spy on us. While owning cats I noticed that they could, at will completely disappear from existence. I will be forever convinced that they opened tunnels through time and space and transported themselves back to their home planet to report on what I’d had for breakfast.
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bronxboy55
January 25, 2014
There are advantages to cats, though. For one thing, you can go away for a few days and leave cats home by themselves. They don’t mind. In fact, they’re grateful for the solitude, and may even be a little annoyed when you return. Most dogs can’t be alone for more than five minutes before they start to lose their minds.
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knotrune
January 23, 2014
Football fields as a measure always annoys me as I have no concept of their size, not having ever played football. Quantum physics is fun to boggle the mind with, but I got bogged down when I reached quantum chromodynamics. Don’t ask me what that even is! I like the sound of string theory, as I always thought string was very useful and the idea of it tying the universe together is strangely comforting.
You’re so right about the equilibrium thing. I caught the universe at it once! I was reading in bed and had to use the loo. When I got back, on the middle of my bed was a ten cent Euro coin. Where had it come from? Neither I or my husband have ever been to a country which uses the Euro, so we wouldn’t have such a thing, and he hadn’t been in there anyway. Unless it had been hiding within the pages of a paperback book (quite a feat in itself) it has to have materialised there, it is the most plausible explanation. And I am wearing a pair of mystery slippers which no visitor to the house will own up to. Odd that they managed to stay a pair!
As a knitter I have more than six odd gloves, some unfinished. It is much harder to knit the second glove than to knit a completely different glove. Second law of knitting. And those ‘more than’ numbers are weird. More than 30 I can understand, but it’s bizarrely precise in its imprecision.
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bronxboy55
January 26, 2014
I like that Euro story, if only because it’s mildly comforting to know these things happen to other people. We find pennies tucked into corners all over the house. I always wonder what I would see if I’d been staring at the spot where the mystery coin showed up. Would I see it appear, or would it choose another place where no one was looking? (I’m actually much more rational than I sound right now.)
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Chris12
January 23, 2014
The more we try to explain our surroundings the weirder things seem to become, but also intriguing. And sometimes humorous. Nice post Charles. Btw, since I gave your post five stars does that mean that someone across the globe is receiving one star?
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bronxboy55
January 26, 2014
I’m not sure, Chris. It might be that someone is receiving one star. Or they could be getting the Nobel Prize for Literature. It can work either way.
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earthriderjudyberman
January 23, 2014
Your theory sounds like the Butterfly Effect. Scary thing is, it all makes sense. Life is serendipitous. Or so I thought. That money I found in my pants pocket?. I just thought I’d forgotten to remove it. Now, I’m beginning to feel bad for the folks who lost the money. Thanks, Charles, for clearing that up. 😉
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bronxboy55
January 26, 2014
Judy, as I was working on this post, I did some research on the subatomic particles that pop into and out of existence. It isn’t supposed to happen on our level, because things are too big to behave that way. But there must be a line, like a melting point. Is it atoms, molecules? Or maybe coins?
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nailingjellotoatree
January 23, 2014
Hey, I found a single sock in the lining of the washer door. Have you lost a blue polka dotted one recently?
Great post Charles!
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bronxboy55
January 27, 2014
I never wear polka dots, Sandra, unless I’m hanging out with my clown friends.
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Bruce
January 24, 2014
Very funny and clever Charles and I can pretty much picture the Frisbee in the neck incident.
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bronxboy55
January 27, 2014
I sometimes wonder how my son will tell that story to his kids. I just hope I’m around to correct the distortions.
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shoreacres
January 24, 2014
Quite an entertaining post. But something caught me the second time through – your assumption of a closed system. This all works and makes “sense” if we assume that we’re in a closed system. But what if the system’s perfectly open, or capable of being influenced by intrusions from outside the system, and we just don’t realize it? Hmmmm…
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bronxboy55
January 27, 2014
It’s a good point, Linda. The definitions of open and closed systems are a little fuzzy to begin with. Even empty space is far from empty.
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jeanjames
January 26, 2014
Wouldn’t it be nice if once in awhile we could pop out of this reality to a nice beach somewhere and let someone else pop in and take care of the house, that would be my dream Quantum theory…Really fun post to read!!
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bronxboy55
January 27, 2014
That isn’t quantum theory, Jean. It’s just the everyday life of a celebrity.
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John
January 27, 2014
Seinfeld agrees with you, at least the sitcom version. You may remember the episode where everything worked itself out for him. Kramer called him “Even Steven.” If a gig got cancelled, five minutes later he got a new gig out of the blue. If he lost $20, he would find $20 to replace it. I guess you’ve hit upon a….wait for it…..universal truth.
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bronxboy55
January 28, 2014
You may not believe this, John, but I’ve never watched Seinfeld. I’ve seen a few bits and pieces of it, only because it happened to be on when I was changing the channel. In fact, if you added up all the separate minutes, I’ve probably seen less than one complete episode. But I know a lot of people who loved the show, and still do, so I appreciate the comparison.
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eobonyo
January 29, 2014
Hahahaha! Interesting.
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
Glad you liked it!
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lostnchina
January 29, 2014
Charles, after reading this hilarious post, I’m quite certain you have the *other* sock of all the pairs of socks I own. And I think I have the Frisbee that hit your head. I might also have the rock that fell out of the wheelbarrow when the Frisbee hit your head and you catapulted ten feet forward in my pile of missing socks (and one pillowcase). Actually, I’m also missing my bright red wheelbarrow. You wouldn’t happen to have it, by any chance?
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
You win, Susan. Even I’ve never lost a wheelbarrow.
Wheelbarrow. It doesn’t look right, does it?
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lostnchina
January 31, 2014
…and the only reason I remember I HAD a wheelbarrow was because I was describing to someone how difficult it was to get it into my little Honda Civic (the wheelbarrow is not child-sized). You are right, I need help.
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MSquared
January 29, 2014
Great fun to read! And I still love the comments nearly as much as the post. Thanks for making me laugh, everyone!
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
I love the comments, too, including yours.
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daniaraed
January 30, 2014
Great post sir. Thanks for explaining these facts or rather theories. They gave me more peace of mind than school chemistry or physics books would. lol yes.
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
I doubt there are any physics or chemistry textbooks that would confirm anything I’ve said. But if it gave you peace of mind, then I did my job.
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amoulamahboula
January 30, 2014
we’ve all been trough mysterious situations finding precious things out of nowhere and even more losing things while we’re a thousand percent sure that it has always been there i mean i drives me crazy how things pop up out of the blue .. it maybe hard to believe that such things may and have been happening but i think that’s the only explanation .. i will look all around for your orange Frisbee maybe i’ll find it somewhere near 😀 ( i’m Tunisian so my English maybe stumbling but i’m doing my best ) thank you for your great posts 😀
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
Do you ever drop something and it lands on the floor right near where you’re standing? And you’re sure you know exactly where it is, but then you can’t find it, and you look all over the place and it’s just gone? That’s what drives me crazy. If you do find the Frisbee, you can keep it — but just let me know, so I can stop wondering.
Your English is excellent, by the way.
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amoulamahboula
February 1, 2014
That’s what i’m saying especially when i’m positively sure that it was there .. and that what made me winder if we’re totally alone in this world i mean lot of studies proved that there are a lot of supernatural things happening, and what if this is the case? well i’m not sure hhhhhh i mean it’s all crazy. I’ll keep the Frisbee if i find it but i’ll definitely let you know 😀
That’s so nice of you to say and thank you.
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Mitch Mitchell
January 31, 2014
First, some filler that I think is interesting… I’ll probably be the only one.
Turns out Einstein was right when he thought he was wrong. His calculations came up with two things; black holes and an ever expanding universe. He just couldn’t believe it could be true and he spent most of the rest of his life trying to disprove himself; see, even Einstein couldn’t deal with himself being right. Maybe if he’d just combed his hair…
I think you should buy that lottery ticket. Your logic went off kilter; you winning means something bad happens to someone else, not you. When bad things happen to you, others are enjoying themselves in some sneaky way. Course, when you don’t win and someone else does… heck, that’s my life!
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2014
Thanks, Mitch, for suggesting that some of my logic was ever on kilter.
I just looked it up, and the correct expression is into kilter. The learning never ends, does it?
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fibonaccispirals777
January 31, 2014
Fun and witty article. Keep up the good work. I like the juxtaposition you have created between the very sober and serious world of science and the amusing and frivolous examples you have used to support these theories.
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bronxboy55
February 1, 2014
Thanks. I really like your blog name.
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fibonaccispirals777
February 1, 2014
No worries. Ah thanks man :), I am pretty obsessed with the Fibonacci sequence at the moment if you know about. There is something very mysterious and beautiful about.
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fibonaccispirals777
January 31, 2014
There is a theory in quantum physics that if you put a chocolate bar in a box with a hungry person the chocolate bar is eaten but not eaten at the same time simultaneously. Scientists now call this phenomenon Shrodinger’s Kit Kat.
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bronxboy55
February 1, 2014
I bet it would also work with a Snickers, although that name doesn’t roll off the tongue in quite the same way.
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fibonaccispirals777
February 1, 2014
Haha, yeah.
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gpcox
February 7, 2014
Your articles are interesting and cartoons are hysterical – what a combination!!:)
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bronxboy55
February 8, 2014
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.
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