Predicting the future is a risky thing to do. You’re going to be wrong most of the time, and people – especially your closest friends — will happily point out how far off you were.
In 1974, I said Richard Nixon would never resign. Ten years later, I announced that Walter Mondale would defeat Ronald Reagan in a landslide. A decade after that, I was sure O.J. Simpson would be found guilty. In 2004, I envisioned a John Kerry victory over George Bush.
That’s why it’s always safer to make long-range forecasts. For example: By the year 2350, all disease will have disappeared, and the average human lifespan will be two hundred years. For all we know, everyone’s immune system will have fallen apart by then, and they’ll have to go to the emergency room when they get a paper cut. But anyone who hears or reads the original prediction won’t live long enough to know that you completely blew the call. On the other hand, if you say Nervous Breakdown is going to win the next Kentucky Derby, and then the horse comes in eleventh, you’ll never hear the end of it.
Incapable of avoiding exposure to ridicule, especially when there’s no good reason to approach it, I offer here my best guesses for the coming twelve months. And while I could refer to them as prophecies or prognostications, that would only invite even more taunting should they fail to come true, which they probably will.
• Astronomers will be stunned to discover that the sun and planets do orbit the Earth after all, and that we really are the center of the universe. However, no one else will be the least bit surprised, and that afternoon everyone will post the news as their own personal status update.
• Long thought to be extinct, the Dodo, a flightless bird from the islands of the Indian Ocean, will be found living in large numbers behind a gas station near Pittsburgh. While healthy and well-adapted to its new habitat, most of the flock will be suffering from low self-esteem, no doubt a result of the name given to it by Dutch sailors in the sixteenth century. Biologists will also be shocked to learn of the name the Dodos have, in turn, given to Dutch sailors.
Health
• The list of medications that patients want to discuss with their physicians will continue to grow. In order to keep track of the potential benefits and side effects, people will record the relevant ads and commercials onto phones for playback during their annual check-up. For this reason, a typical visit to the doctor will be more than five hours long, and waiting rooms will be expanded to the size of airline terminals.
• A new study will reveal that water consumption causes dehydration.
Technology
• The use of mobile banking apps will become commonplace as more customers learn that they can now deposit checks simply by taking a picture of them. In a similar development, matrimonial law will become much more streamlined when people find out they can initiate divorce proceedings by emailing the judge a snapshot of their spouse.
Entertainment
• In early March, a new television program will be aired that portrays what actually goes on behind the scenes in the production of a reality show — including how the scripts are written in such a way that they seem to be unscripted, how the footage is edited in such a way that it seems unedited, and how the characters are enhanced with make-up, lighting, and costumes to make them appear completely natural. This will be the final series in the decades-long obsession with reality shows, to be followed immediately by a return to Westerns with cardboard trees, game shows that require contestants to smear each other with whipped cream, and family sitcoms that show everyone dressed up for Thursday dinner.
• Publishers will be forced to pull all Sudoku books from store shelves when they finally figure out that every single one of the forty billion puzzles is exactly the same. Most sudoku enthusiasts will claim they never noticed the repetition, and thought they were just getting smarter.
Sports
• A twenty-three-year-old from Mongolia will join the Portland Trail Blazers in October, becoming the tallest basketball player in the NBA. The man, at a height of nine-feet-ten-inches, will be able to slam dunk from a kneeling position and run the length of the court in three steps. A month later, all of the other players will quit out of frustration, and the league will disband. The NBA will secretly resume its schedule the following spring, but without any media coverage, when the man returns to Mongolia to raise rabbits. Basketball player action figures will continue to be sold in retail stores, but will come disguised as enormous shoe salesmen.
• It will be decided once and for all that bowling and golf are not sports. The new designation will include the requirement that competitors in a given activity must, at some point, get out of breath. Further, participants in all games that involve the use of tight-fitting gloves will be lumped in with gardeners and dental hygienists.Law
• Rhode Island will repeal a long-forgotten statute, on the books since 1733, that prohibits women from operating a coffee grinder. Ninety-seven people, all convicted in the early nineteenth century, will receive posthumous pardons.
• The number of suspicious fires will show a dramatic decrease in the second half of the year when, in early July, a man named Arson turns himself in to the police.
Finance
• The value of every one of the world’s currencies will shrink in late summer when someone notices that all gold is really zinc decorated with shiny paint.
• Sometime in late April, computer hackers will steal the account data of ninety million credit card holders in the United States and Canada. However, the information will prove useless when it is determined that all of the cards are already maxed out.
Ann Koplow
December 29, 2013
Happy New Year to you, too. I’m very happy, now that I’ve read this post.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
Thank you, Ann. I’m glad to hear that.
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sheenmeem
December 29, 2013
It was a delightful post.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
Thanks, Sheen. That’s nice of you to say.
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Allan Douglas (@AllanDouglasDgn)
December 29, 2013
I am eagerly awaiting the fulfillment of your entertainment prophesies, Charles. Thanks for the New Year chuckles, And merry xyear to you!
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
Allan, it would be easy to do an entire post on entertainment-related topics, except that I don’t pay much attention to those things. I hope the new year is a great one for you and Marie.
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nailingjellotoatree
December 29, 2013
Oh my word! You’ve done it again. Laughing my butt off at the divorce proceedings. I’ve known a few people that just one look by a judge should have granted immediate impunity! Lol. What a great series of predictions.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
Sandra, I never could have imagined the check deposit method, so the divorce concept doesn’t seem quite so far-fetched. Thanks for the kind words.
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Charlotte
December 29, 2013
Happy New Year, Charles, and thanks for always delivering. I await 2014 with a new anticipation. 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
It’s great to hear from you, Charlotte. I hope you’ve fully recovered, and everything is going well for you. Happy New Year.
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myfrontallobe
December 29, 2013
Insightful and will prove to be strangely accurate I assume.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
I have no doubt that many of the things that actually happen in 2014 will be even stranger than these predictions.
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Elyse
December 29, 2013
With every post you write, I find a dozen gems. I love this line: Biologists will also be shocked to learn of the name the Dodos have, in turn, given to Dutch sailors.
And I’m really, really hoping that you are right about the end of reality shows. That would be something worth celebrating!
Happy New Year, Charles!
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
The idea about reality shows was just wishful thinking on my part, Elyse. If anything, they’re becoming more numerous all the time.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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icedteawithlemon
December 29, 2013
Despite your previous failed attempts at accurately predicting the future, I believe you’re “dead on” this time–or, at least, I hope you are. Water consumption causes dehydration? All the justification I need to limit my liquid intake to tea and wine. A return to westerns with cardboard trees and June Cleaver in pearls and heels serving pot roast to Wally and the Beaver? I’ll take those “realities” over any and all being currently broadcast. And your prediction that computer hackers will waste their efforts stealing account data on millions of maxed out credit cards made me laugh aloud because, at least in my case, it would be oh, so true.
Wishing you a profoundly successful and delightfully entertaining 2014!
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
I kind of miss the Cleavers, too, Karen. I really miss Mayberry. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Meanwhile, I hope to see you in the new year.
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nerdinthebrain
December 29, 2013
Nope, you’ll not be mocked this year…these all seem perfectly legit. 😉 Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
Happy New Year to you, as well.
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ShimonZ
December 30, 2013
שנה טובה ומתוקה and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. May this be a great one for you and all of your readers…
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2013
And the same to you, Shimon. I need to visit your blog soon — I’m sure I’ve missed many amazing posts.
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Sandra Parsons
December 30, 2013
I shall eagerly await all your prophesies to come true. Thanks for a last 2013 chuckle and have a great 2014.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
You do the same, Sandra. Enjoy the diving, and those unmentionable temperatures.
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1of10boyz
December 30, 2013
Sadly, you forgot to include my favorite Canadian “sport”, and I use the term lightly, with golf and bowling. Yes, you know I am talking about curling. I am sure that curling was invented in parallel with a weekend of drinking much like the continued practice of golf and bowling. That Canadian citizenship has made you soft on the Canadian “sports” scene.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Not so much soft, but just still too confused to comment. I’ve tried to understand curling, with little success. It should be easy, right? But as with bowling, they’ve taken a simple activity and cloaked it in a complex scoring system that distracts the viewer from the fact that they’re sliding rocks across the ice.
Do you celebrate both new year holidays?
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1of10boyz
January 3, 2014
We get Jan 1st off so we celebrate it. The Chinese New Year is much more complex holiday here. Typically 10 days off and 100s of millions traveling, normally like to go some place warm for that one since we get so much time off. Went to Malaysia last year and loved it.
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Bruce
December 30, 2013
The 23 year old, nine foot ten inch Mongolian player who slam dunks from his knees and runs the court in three steps; excellent. Happy New Year Charles.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Happy New Year to you and your family, Bruce. And thanks, as always, for the nice comment.
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ranu802
December 30, 2013
Once again you came up with a very interesting and funny post. Thank you.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Glad you liked it, Ranu. Have a wonderful new year.
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Snoring Dog Studio
December 30, 2013
I laughed out loud! I love this, Charles. And, frankly, I’d be perfectly fine with more westerns with cardboard trees and mountains. You are a comic genius/truthsayer.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
I watched an episode of Bonanza recently. It was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid, but now I can’t believe how lame it really was. I think the horses were cardboard, too.
Happy New Year, my friend. I hope it’s a great one for you.
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Snoring Dog Studio
December 31, 2013
My favorite western now is The Rifleman. Cardboard horses and paper mache boulders and all.
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Diane Henders
December 30, 2013
I want the cheque-depositing app! Great predictions, Charles – I’ll wait with bated breath to see if they come true (and I promise not to poke fun if they don’t). Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Diane, I’m still reluctant to put a check into the ATM, out of fear that the bank will say, “Deposit? What deposit?” while my bill payments are bouncing all over Atlantic Canada.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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Sherry
December 30, 2013
thoroughly enjoyable, and some are more than likely to actually occur. You have inspired me to think of doing one of these too…Time is short..let me rack my 2013 brain and see what shakes out.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
So, has anything shaken out yet? And for what it’s worth, you can always post your predictions in January. (I did that last year.)
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Wyrd Smythe
December 30, 2013
I never make predictions. Back in the mid-90s I watched a demo of this new thing, called a “browser”, that allowed you to view “web pages” on something called the “world wide web”.
The page backgrounds were an ugly gray, the few images that existed loaded vvveeerrryyy slowly. “No one will want this!” I predicted. “It’s so slow and ugly. Telnet and FTP are so much better!” I decided.
In less than a decade it took over the world. I wonder how many WordPress users even know what telnet and ftp are anymore.
There’s good reason I don’t play the stock market!
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Wyrd Smythe
December 30, 2013
P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
I made the same predictions about Cabbage Patch dolls, music videos, and Tickle-Me Elmo. And I stay away from the stock market (or any other form of gambling) for the same reason.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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Wyrd Smythe
December 31, 2013
Hey, yeah, gambling. I’ve learned I do great when I practice with plastic chips. The moment I hit the tables, all that goes away and the dealers think I’m a moron anyway, because under the pressure I sometimes even lose simple math and can’t correctly add 9 and 7. (You can just see them mentally shake their heads when I hit on 16 or more.)
Maybe we should band together, predict stuff and then invest in the exact opposite!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Okay, let’s band together. I predict it will be a terrible failure. (Does reverse psychology work on Fate?)
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Wyrd Smythe
December 31, 2013
Well, I predict the same, and the odds of us both being wrong are simply numeric. (It might have worked if you hadn’t said anything… [crosses fingers] maybe she didn’t notice us whispering.)
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
We were supposed to be whispering?
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Arindam
December 30, 2013
Sir Charles, a great post to end the year. Wishing you and your family, a happy new year!!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Same to you, Arindam. It was great to hear from you.
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Stacie Chadwick
December 30, 2013
I think the sun and planets actually DO revolve around the earth, specifically Kanye West and the Kardashians. I love your predictions, almost as much as I love cool ranch Doritos. Almost.
Happy Happy New Year Charles. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you of what’s to comes in 2014!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Happy New Year, Stacie. But aren’t all 346 flavors of Doritos almost identical?
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Stacie Chadwick
January 1, 2014
No No No! Those are blasphemous words you just uttered.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2014
Sweet Chili Heat and Spicy Sweet Chili. Tell me the difference.
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Choosing
December 30, 2013
Three cheers to the Dodos!!! And four cheers for “it is only sport if you get out of breath”! Is anything that gets you out of breath sports then?…. Raising two energetic small boys, for example? 😉
Have a very Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Raising small boys is beyond mere sport.
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Betty Londergan
December 30, 2013
Happy New Year, you rakish prognosticator!!! (Hope your reality show prediction, at the very least, comes true!!)
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Thanks, Betty. And I hope you don’t have a single misbegotten moment in the entire year.
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earthriderjudyberman
December 30, 2013
Love your predictions, Charles. But there’s one that I think has no chance of happening. Insurance companies will never allow a doctor to see a patient for more than 10 minutes (in most cases, that’s true now). In the future, the doctor may scan that list of your meds into his data machine to analyze the results. Then, the doctor will take time off to play golf. You’re right, Charles. Golf is not a sport. (Forgive me, Arnold Palmer.) 🙂
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earthriderjudyberman
December 30, 2013
And, Happy New Year, Charles. I wish you and yours all the best.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Maybe they won’t be individual visits, Judy. The doctors could set up classrooms, so they can see thirty or forty patients at a time. Then they could divide the charges up accordingly.
Happy New Year to you, too.
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shoreacres
December 30, 2013
Just wonderful, Charles. It’s possible that one slipped by you, though – the one about little old ladies with no patience for silly governmental regulations supplementing their social security payments with black market sales of the incandescent lightbulbs they’ve stockpiled. It could happen.
In any event, best wishes for a healthy and prosperous New Year! I’m looking forward to more from my favorite humorist – that would be you!
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
I like the idea of a black market for light bulbs.
Thank you for the kind words, Linda. I wish the same for you, and I look forward to another year of your incredible essays.
http://shoreacres.wordpress.com/
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Jay
December 31, 2013
Wait, bowling isn’t a sport? 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
Maybe we should call it a dwarf sport, the way Pluto is now called a dwarf planet. What do you think?
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Jay.
December 31, 2013
I think calling it a dwarf sport is insensitive. Maybe a “smaller” sport, or “underdeveloped” activity.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2013
You’re right. I was going to suggest minor sport, but then that sounds like only people under eighteen can play.
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Wyrd Smythe
December 31, 2013
I’m bummed by the fact that tight-fitting batting gloves means baseball gets reclassified! (Not that I have anything against gardeners and dental hygenists.)
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
I wasn’t including baseball. I know a lot of batters wear the gloves, but they also slide head-first into second base, so that evens things out.
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Wyrd Smythe
January 2, 2014
Oh, of course! “Risk of concussion” = “Real sport”
Makes perfect sense!
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eobonyo
December 31, 2013
“…..everyone will post the
news as their own personal status
update….” <—- Yah! I guess we love taking credit. Happy New Year to you too.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
And we seem to love it more all the time.
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rangewriter
December 31, 2013
Oh man, this is great! The best look into the future I’ve seen, at least since last year.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Thanks, Linda. Are you back from Iceland yet?
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rangewriter
January 1, 2014
Yup. I’ve actually been back since November. It takes me a while to process a trip before I can write about it.
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Nel
December 31, 2013
Come to think of it, dodo is a deprecating name, isn’t it?
Happy New Year, Charles! Another awesome post you got here. 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Thank you, Nel. It’s nice to hear from you. Happy New Year!
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mitchtheman
December 31, 2013
Hmmm… I’m thinking none of these things are happening unless every politician I hate quits and becomes sugar farmers, and I’m disappointed to say that’s not going to happen either. lol
Enjoy the New Years celebration, even if you’re asleep by then. 😉
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Actually, I had that heart-pounding thing happening last night. I hope you did better. Are you still on the space station?
Happy New Year, Mitch.
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marymtf
December 31, 2013
Are you related to Lou Richards, (Louis the Lip)?
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
No, but I like the nickname. (Sorry, I know he’s famous in Australia, but before I looked him up, I had no idea who he was.)
Happy New Year, Mary.
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marymtf
January 3, 2014
Thank you Charles. Wishing you a Happy New Year to you too. Four days of it gone already. ps I like your new picture.
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Laura Aanenson
January 1, 2014
Wonderful post! Love the discovery that we really are the center of the universe. So many people already believe this to be true. :o)
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
There probably is no center of the universe, so I guess we have as much of a claim as anywhere else.
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Valentine Logar
January 1, 2014
But you were right about John Kerry, what is that 1 in 10?
Happy New Year.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2014
Kerry won that election? I need to stop buying those no-name almanacs.
Happy New Year!
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ArborFam
January 1, 2014
I’m ready for the end of the reality shows. But instead of a return to something, how about something totally new instead. Maybe a whole genre based on alternative futures, contingent on individual and corporate decisions? Like the movie Sliding Doors (1998), put through countless prisms of variation. Or really, just anything but the likes of Hardcore Pawn or Bar Rescue.
Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2014
I’m with you, Kevin, but I’m afraid we may be stuck in this ditch for a while.
Happy New Year to you, Julia, and the boys. I hope you’re all well.
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earthriderjudyberman
January 2, 2014
Just wanted to wish you – again – a very Happy New Year. I so enjoy reading your posts. Your insights are wonderfully warped and thoughtful. I look forward to more of the same this year.
On a personal note, thank you for your support and comments on my blog. WordPress listed you as one of the top 5 commenters on my blog in its 2013 annual review. I do appreciate that, especially knowing that shortly after I began blogging about two years ago, you were often the ONLY commenter. Thanks, Charles.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2014
I don’t remember being the only commenter, Judy, but your blog is always fun to read. While the topics may be unpredictable, the writing, insight, and humor are a constant. It’s certainly no surprise that you’ve attracted a faithful audience.
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earthriderjudyberman
January 3, 2014
Thank you. 😉
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digbydigz
January 4, 2014
The reality behind a reality show. Brilliant. I bet you could pitch it and make millions.
Love the blog!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2014
I doubt I could pitch anything and make millions. But thanks for saying so.
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Kathryn McCullough
January 4, 2014
Ha, ha, LOVE the prophesies! You crack me up.
Sorry to have been away since Christmas. We had guests from the US and then did some traveling around our new country. Didn’t always have internet. I’m trying now to get back into the swing of things.
Hope you had a great holiday. Happy New Year.
Hugs from Ecuador,
Kathy
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2014
No need to apologize. Ecuador must be filled with amazing things to see.
Hugs back, from Canada.
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Damyanti
January 6, 2014
I needed a few guffaws and giggles, so I opened up your post in my mail and read it. But this time I was determined to remember to comment as well, cos I usually read you posts on my phone and totally forget about commenting.
Hope you had a good 2013, and wishing you an even better 2014, Charles! Sending you lots of good wishes from across the oceans.
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2014
It’s great to hear from you, D. I think of you often and hope you’re doing well.
Happy New Year.
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silkpurseproductions
January 7, 2014
Of all your predictions the one I long for the most to come true is in early March when we will finally see the end of the reality TV syndrome.
Happy New Year to you Charles. Thanks for all the wonderful posts and little chats this past year.
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2014
It seems there are a lot of people tired of the reality shows, Michelle. So who’s watching them?
Happy New Year to you and He-Who. I hope you’re both doing well.
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silkpurseproductions
January 8, 2014
Good question! I can remember when “Survivor” (basically the birth of the mess me are in now) first started. We watched it for that first season and half of the next. By then it was “reality” everywhere and I had had enough. Working in the TV industry, the turn of events just made me very sad.
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lostnchina
January 13, 2014
Hilarious, Charles! I predict, hands down, that we’ll all be looking forward to many more entertaining and thoughtful posts from you in 2014!
Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2014
Thanks, Susan. I look forward to reading your amazing blog all year, too.
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