Sometimes I’ll be seated at my desk, pretending to be working or lost in thought, and someone will walk by and say, “Is it okay if I steal your pen?” As they ask me this, they’re grabbing one of the hundreds of pens that I’ve acquired over recent years, and that are now scattered around me, lying in drawers, standing in empty peanut cans, buried under a pile of papers, or tucked into books. My response is always the same.
“Yes, of course,” I reply, because I have a giving nature, and also because I know that most of the pens don’t work anyway. When I’m feeling especially generous, I’ll say, “Take two, just in case.” But on the inside, I’m still trying to make sense of their original question. If you ask permission, then it isn’t really stealing. It’s more like coerced borrowing. I guess they see it as a polite version of the note that bank robbers hand to the teller, the one that says “This is a stick-up.” Such a message strikes me as pointless, and a waste of good paper. If I were a bank teller and a person came up to my window wearing a ski mask and holding a gun, I probably wouldn’t need to read the note. I’d aim for efficiency and ask, “You want me to put all the money into a bag, right?” But maybe I’m just extra perceptive that way.
People say a lot of things that they don’t need to say. Like, “fair is fair.” I’m always tempted to respond, “And cold is cold,” but then I’d have to explain what I mean, and I don’t think I could do it. Worst of all, we’d end up talking about the weather, a topic of conversation that typically makes me want to remove my own spleen without any form of anesthesia. This, by the way, is the only time I ever even remember that I have a spleen.
My mother used to say, “You can’t win for losing.” I was able to follow her logic, but only until that very last part. It seems to me that “You can’t win” would have been sufficient, and much clearer.
Our speech is often redundant, with additional words tacked on for effect.
“They live in a tiny, little house.”
“It’s freezing cold out there today.”
“We’ve been awake since five a.m. this morning.”
I was listening to the radio in the car the other day and heard the mayor of a Nova Scotia town say that we live in a global world. Those were her exact words. “You know, Matt,” she said, “we live in a global world.” Out of sheer frustration, I had to pull over and slam my head against the driver-side window. It reminded me of that other brilliant observation: “You have your whole life ahead of you.” And that one isn’t even true. You’ve already used up part of your life. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. And so does everyone else, I’m pretty sure.
Unnecessary words can even change the intended meaning, or cause confusion, which in my case is almost guaranteed. When I was in junior high school, the phrase “same difference” appeared, without warning or explanation. All at once, everyone was using it – even teachers. It isn’t the built-in contradiction that surprises me, though. People say ridiculous things all the time. It’s that the expression has survived more than four decades, and is still around.
“Working hard?” This is the first half of a universal exchange that humans everywhere seem required to have. The response, inevitably, will be, “Hardly working!” This is almost always followed by raucous laughter, as though the punch-line had been spontaneous and completely unexpected.
When I’m watching a DVD, I often find myself enduring a five-minute propaganda piece that tells me, over and over again, how great movies are. It shows clips from famous films, including familiar scenes and memorable lines of dialogue, and ends with thunderous classical music and a melodramatic voiceover that poses a profound conclusion, usually something like: “Movies. What would life be without them?” I don’t know what life would be without them. Probably similar to the life that existed for millions of years, right up until the late 1800s. But my real point is, I don’t need to be told to watch movies, especially after I’ve already put in a DVD that contains the movie I’m waiting to watch.
It’s hard to be sure why these needless interactions irritate me so much. Maybe it’s my increasing awareness that time grows short, and is too precious to waste. I used to have my whole life ahead of me, but now most of it is back there somewhere. To allow any of it to be snatched away without a fight seems like a crime. And speaking of crime, I’m thinking of installing one of those secret alarm buttons on the floor under my desk, the kind the bank tellers use to notify the police of a robbery in progress. The next time somebody advises me that they’re stealing a pen, I’m going to alert the authorities and have them arrested. Although I’ll probably issue some sort of warning first. After all, fair is fair.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my family and friends in the United States.
Ann Koplow
November 28, 2013
Great post. Enough said.
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
Thanks, Ann. I’m glad you liked it.
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galeweithers
December 24, 2013
In Barbados we “reverse backwards” – are there other ways of reversing? I never knew! Loved this post, especially as a writer 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2013
Where I live, when someone is telling you to back up, they’ll say, “Go ahead back.” The first time I heard that, I almost got whiplash.
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nerdinthebrain
November 28, 2013
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone in this frustration! My list of irritatants also includes “ATM machine” and “PIN number.” Urgh. 😉
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
I used the phrase “over and over again” in this post. Do we need to add that to the list?
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Chichina
November 28, 2013
My smile for the day. Thank-you. And I believe only Canadians say” bare naked”. Even as a kid, that expression was embarrassing.
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
A few years ago, I was moving something on a cart and the guy I was working with said, “Go ahead back.” I became momentarily paralyzed.
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ranu802
November 28, 2013
Yes I noticed when I read your post.We do use words that are unnecessary.I don’t want to be trapped .How did I do?
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
You did very well, Ranu. I’m as guilty as anyone.
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lostnchina
November 28, 2013
Like many others, I’m often guilty of using extraneous, unnecessary, redundant and non-essential words/vocabulary/statements when I write. Is there a 12-step group for this, Charles? Maybe 12 steps is too much. How about 2? I’m trying to simplify my life here. Another funny post, Charles!
PS: Remind me not to ride with you in car, at least not as a passenger, as you have a tendency to bash your head into the window, which makes for dangerous driving.
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
I usually keep the radio turned off, Susan. Then I only have to deal with the other drivers.
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silkpurseproductions
November 28, 2013
My current pet peeve with these redundant sayings is, “It is what it is”. What the heck? I have actually heard that come out of my mouth and wanted to do a face palm immediately after.
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
What about “It’s all good”? That one seems like a bad case of denial. It can’t all be good. Can it?
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silkpurseproductions
November 29, 2013
Oh, you just reminded me. “No worries”. As soon as someone says that to me, I start to worry.
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subodai213
November 28, 2013
Are you still in your car? Because I have a few more to make you pound your head.
“Free gift” drives me right around the bend. “Drives me right around the bend’ makes no sense, either.
The newest one that makes no sense is “back in the day”. What? That one came out of nowhere. Back in the day? What the heck does that mean? What day? Time travel being impossible, how can go back to one?
Or..(oh my god, stop me…….) how many times have you been ‘shopping’ (a nice way of saying just looking at stuff you have no intentions of buying) and some ditzy sales clerk comes up to you and says “Are you finding everything okay?”
That is so wrong on so many levels, I am gritting my teeth as I type this.
One more and I’m done. “”Irregardless”.
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
I was going to mention free gift, but that one’s a lost cause. And I agree with back in the day. They seem to say it a lot on television and in the movies in an effort to sound cool, but over-done is never cool. And when someone says, “That’s what I’m talking about,” I always want to say, “What’s what you’re talking about? You weren’t even talking.
The cashiers here always ask if you found everything you were looking for. But it’s when you already have all your stuff out of the cart and you’re ready to pay. As if you could say no, and they’re going to leave their register to help you shop some more.
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icedteawithlemon
November 28, 2013
I am in complete and total agreement with you on this one, Charles, even though my past history indicates I am a guilty perpetrator of such repetitive redundancies myself. However, my redundancies are few in number, usually very unique, and sometimes even unexpected surprises–in my personal opinion anyway. (And now I have a headache.)
Great post! And even though it’s not Thanksgiving Day in Canada, I still hope your table is cluttered with the remnants of a turkey and dressing feast.
(By the way, I received my slider cards in the mail this week–love them!)
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2013
Thanks, Karen. And I got my copy of your book. You did an amazing job.
For anyone who’s interested, the book is called Confessions of a Middle-Aged Hippie Geek, and you can find it here:
http://icedteawithlemon.wordpress.com
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icedteawithlemon
November 29, 2013
Thank you, Charles–for the nice compliment AND the publicity. 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
I originally wanted to include the link to the Amazon page, but the image that produces is so huge, it looks out of proportion.
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Choosing
November 28, 2013
You are so right! – Your post reminded me of George Carlin’s “Airline Announcements”. If you are not familiar with this nice piece, it is worth checking out on youtube (keep something soft in reach to bump your head against). – Happy Thanksgiving from Europe! 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
“Police are responding to an emergency situation. No, they aren’t. They’re responding to an emergency. Everything is a situation!”
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Danielle
November 28, 2013
I wish I wrote this! 🙂 So, so true. Though, like icedteawithlemon…am probably guilty of doing it!
And if I hear one more person say “irregardless” I will possibly go postal!
I’m on your side about avoiding the inevitable, pointless conversation about a silly, fun (!!) comeback to a redundant statement like “fair is fair”….but I just might not be able to stop saying “cold is cold” in my head in response anymore!
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
I’m guilty, too, Danielle. But our own annoying things aren’t quite as annoying, are they?
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The Sandwich Lady
November 28, 2013
“I used to have my whole life ahead of me, but now most of it is back there somewhere.” brilliant observation! Happy Thanksgiving!
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
Thanks, Catherine. Same to you. I hope you had a great day.
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Elyse
November 28, 2013
We are clearly long list cousins, Charles. My Dad used to say “you can’t win for losing” all the time, along with similarly redundant phrases. You know, it is the absence of those stupid sayings that I miss the most.
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
I know what you mean, Elyse. My father had a short list of things that he seemed to say repeatedly. It was only after he was gone that I began to appreciate the truth and value of what he said.
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Kathryn McCullough
November 28, 2013
Another one I hate–though it’s honestly true about this post–is when someone says something is hilariously funny. Damn repetitive redundancies!
Seriously, great post!
Blogging from Ecuador,
Kathy
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bronxboy55
November 30, 2013
The one that bothers me the most is reason why. Even worse: “The reason why is because…” But I think I’d better get used to it.
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Christiana Pilgrim
December 6, 2013
“The reason is because” is one of my least favorite redundancies out there; it drives me crazy every time I hear it.
And thank you for the “whole life” shout out–I’m relatively young, so I get this a lot when complaining about getting near thirty and having zero clue what I’m doing. It’s not only untrue, it’s also patronizing.
I had a prof in grad school who would immediately mark down your paper if you used any kind of qualifying adjective with “unique.” “Unique means one-of-a-kind,” she would say sternly, “you can’t be ‘terribly’ or ‘very’ unique.”
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Patti Kuche
November 28, 2013
Your wonderful post has pulled a pin on so many distracting and confusing sayings – I was never sure what adults meant about giving someone the benefit of the doubt but then maybe that’s just me, or I could say “My bad!” and where did that one come from?
Happy Thanksgiving to you Charles!
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
“My bad” sounds like something a four-year-old would say. Let’s make a deal that neither one of us will ever say it.
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Mikels Skele
November 28, 2013
Idiom and idiot have a common root, you know.
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
Yes, but that’s a private matter.
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srujee
November 29, 2013
Wow I never thought of it! Maybe because i am one of those people who drive you to bang your head. Thanks for the heads up.
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
Don’t worry. Most of the head banging is a result of my own behavior.
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nesteasnyder
November 29, 2013
Reblogged this on Aberrant kid.
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
Thanks, Roness. I’m flattered.
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KerryCan
November 29, 2013
This was such fun to read! If only certain people would read it . . .
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
Well, I’m glad you read it.
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Allan Douglas (@AllanDouglasDgn)
November 29, 2013
Ohhhh, yes! The cutesy redundancy we employ in casual speech is much like those who put 3 or 4 exclamation points at the end of an alarming statement in an e-mail as though the effect were cumulative. One is sufficient, thank you! And I do hope your driver side window survives it’s frequent assaults by a forehead.
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bronxboy55
December 1, 2013
The string of exclamation points does suggest a certain lack of vocabulary. Luckily, I never get that excited.
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Valentine Logar
November 29, 2013
This was a wonderful read this morning, reminding me of my grandparents and some of their funny sayings.
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
That’s been one of the happy surprises about blogging, Valentine: the discovery of shared experiences, across time and in different places around the world.
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hemadamani
November 29, 2013
great post once again! 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
Thanks, Hema. I need to get back to your blog and see what you’ve been up to.
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hemadamani
December 2, 2013
Oh! Please do! 🙂 meanwhile looking forward to your next post!!
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raeme67
November 29, 2013
Totally awesome post! Sorry, couldn’t resist the temptation. That last part,of course, is a lie as I could have very easily resisted the temptation. Thanks for the laugh and as always great post.
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
I’ve been guilty of using the adverb crutch, too, Rachael. I need to work on it.
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Bob Rees
November 29, 2013
Reblogged this on bobarees2's Blog and commented:
Great read..i enjoy you insight
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
Thanks, Bob.
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Cathy Cavan
November 29, 2013
Hi Charlie, I enjoyed this..so funny. My girls make fun of me when I say “I need that like a hole in the head” – not even sure where I got that!!
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
I think you got it from my mother.
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maryanne28
November 29, 2013
Good things come in small packages but not if they are five foot two and tubby.
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
I’ve heard the first part of that saying many times, but I think you made up the second part.
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Sandra Parsons
November 30, 2013
Oohh, one of my pet peeves is something that seems to be very common in the UK: So you, too, hate this sort of stuff as well? Grinding my teeth here writing this, And no-one seems to think anything of it!
The movie thing has irked me countless times as well. It’s like when you want to start using the new device/gadget you bought, and the first couple of pages in the user manual don’t tell you how to use it but what a splendid idea it was to buy this thing in the first place. Well-done, really. An excellent choice. Millions of customers are incredibly satisfied. There must be something wrong with you if you are not!
I am amazed how you manage to always write about things that resonate so much with me. Or maybe it’s just the way you write that makes totally unrelated topics relatable…
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
Thanks, Sandra. But are you saying the expression pet peeves is common in the UK? Or do you have actual pet peeves you want to talk about? I think you need to move back there. You’ve been too happy where you are now, and it’s caused you to stop blogging.
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Sandra Parsons
December 2, 2013
So you didn’t even notice the redundancy there? Everyone seems to follow up a “too” with an “as well” these days without anyone even being aware!
As to the blog stop, I know, but make that “too busy”. I’m working on a new post though. Let’s see whether it will feature before the end of the year.
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bronxboy55
December 6, 2013
I missed it, Sandra. I just hope that if I ever write that, I’ll catch it in time. (Can I count on you to let me know?)
I’m looking forward to the new post, whenever it is.
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Jackie Cangro
November 30, 2013
Great post! I’m reminded of a similar one: newborn baby. Isn’t that a bit redundant? What other kind of newborn is there?
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
Another one I hear all the time is that someone is building a new addition onto their house.
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Christiana Pilgrim
December 6, 2013
Whenever I hear that one, I always imagine they’re building a new edition, like the builder is coming out with an improved, better-edited version with fewer typos or construction mistakes. (There’s another annoying one, things that are “new and improved.”)
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bronxboy55
December 6, 2013
Christiana, you’re going to think I’m making this up, but I recently saw a snack food with the words “New” and “Original” on the front of the package. By the time I thought to go back and take a picture of it, they had removed one of the words.
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Christiana Pilgrim
December 6, 2013
What? That’s simply ridiculous. I’m glad they realized their mistake, though.
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Linda
November 30, 2013
At the end of the day, how does time grow short? 😉
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
I don’t know, but my mother used to warn me not to burn the candle at both ends. I guess that would have made time grow short twice as fast.
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Marie
November 30, 2013
Reading this I couldn’t help but recall Andy Rooney’s segments on 60 minutes – the signature secondhand punctuating his humor.
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2013
That’s a flattering comparison, Marie. Thank you.
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Wyrd Smythe
December 1, 2013
Funny!! Human speech is very redundant,… often for good reason: people don’t pay attention! (Well, people not like you, I mean. Lotsa people don’t pay attention and they just plain need all those extra words to get the point!)
There can be metaphor and allusion in speech that can be really distracting to the literal minded. But as you say, sometimes it’s for effect. For good effect! Would you rather be just cold or freezing cold? 🙂
Maybe I put too much on the wyrds, but I love them so. The byrd is the wyrd! I actually sorta cherish the poetry and freedom of language. It’s fun to play with! And collateral damage aside, you’re absolutely right about the excessive verbiage and redundancy in general. It makes me bash my head sometimes, too. The canonical one for me is, “I could care less,” which actually means the opposite of what’s intended. And the way most people use “literally” literally grates on my ears.
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bronxboy55
December 3, 2013
For me, it’s the invasion of the phrase “sort of” into nearly every sentence spoken by certain people — especially those on radio and television (people who are supposed to be more careful about what comes out of their mouths). But I must confess, I’ve been guilty of saying things like, “It’s raining out,” when “It’s raining” would have done the job. And now that I’ve admitted that in public, I feel better. Sort of.
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Wyrd Smythe
December 3, 2013
Well, speech is redundant, it just is. There is such a thing as talking for bonding, where the words don’t matter at all, and it’s just about connecting with a fellow human, sharing the perception that, ‘Yeah, the world is sometimes challenging / interesting / scary from my perspective, too.’
The ‘sort of’ and ‘kind of’ thing sort of really gets to me, too. 🙂 It isn’t the verbosity that kind of tweaks me, though. It’s the sense that people have sort of become so insecure in their sense of knowing the world that they’re kind of reluctant to make strong statements. So everyone sort of peppers their speech with these, kind of, “oh, I don’t necessarily know what I’m saying’ qualifiers.
Or maybe they’re intended to weaken the statement so it won;t offend anyone (mostly because it no longer actually says anything). Either way, it’s weak-minded in my book, and I don’t mean ‘sort of’ or ‘kind of!’
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earthriderjudyberman
December 1, 2013
Back to your pen … I usually say: “Mind if I liberate your pen.” Then, it’s NEVER stealing.
Funny insights, Charles. I hope you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving. (I know you live in Canada, but there’s no international boundary line on celebrating with turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings.) 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 3, 2013
Thanksgiving in Canada is in early October, Judy. But we’ve resumed celebrating both. It’s still the only holiday relatively untouched by commercialism and greed.
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PinotNinja
December 1, 2013
Oh the false politeness of the pen stealers… I much prefer to call a spade a spade and, when I need a pen and am too lazy to go procure my own from the supply room, I march into a co-worker’s office, grab a spare pen, and say “I’m taking this.” If they don’t lunge at me or scream in horror to alert the authorities, then I consider the heist a success and walk out with my loot.
As for excessive language, I add to that my somewhat irrational hatred of over-punctuation. What is the point of multiple exclamation points? Or ending every sentence in an email with an exclamation point? Without a period for comparison, doesn’t an exclamation point lose all relative meaning?
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bronxboy55
December 3, 2013
I have a similar reaction to multiple question marks, although I understand the intent. Maybe we’re all just too easily excited, and puzzled.
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Stacie Chadwick
December 2, 2013
Charles,
I love the way you think. You have a singular, powerful voice, one unlike any I’ve heard (and there’s a lot of chatter going on in my head on a daily basis). Somehow I can see you up in the middle of the night pounding out these funny one-liners like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. It’s not.
Stacie
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bronxboy55
December 5, 2013
Stacie, your description of my voice as singular and powerful is in such contrast to my own perception and experience that I don’t even know how to respond, except to say thank you.
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hardiowel
December 2, 2013
Reblogged this on hardiowel's Blog.
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bronxboy55
December 5, 2013
Thanks for the reblog, hardiowel. I hope your readers like the post.
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Talk to me...I'm your Mother
December 2, 2013
Okay, so you’re irritated. Good for your readers, we get a good laugh. Thanks for lightening my spirits for a few minutes of my remaining time.
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bronxboy55
December 5, 2013
If that’s the case, then I feel better, too.
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Anonymous
December 3, 2013
Thank you so much: I am French and trying ti learn english… I never understood the expression “same difference”. At least, now I know that even for people for whom english is the mother language, these two words do not match completely….
(O God! It is so difficult for me to write two sentences in English, I hope at least they make sense)
Always very happy to read your texts
Renza (from France)
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bronxboy55
December 6, 2013
Thank you for your comment, Renza. It makes perfect sense. And you’re right: there are plenty of phrases and expressions in English that defy logic. I wonder if it’s the same for French.
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Anonymous
December 6, 2013
Oh yes, it’s exactly the same in french… Even worst: we have expressions like “oui mais non”, “donc, voilà…” (which I cannot translate, not knowing the equivalent), “je veux dire…” which do not mean anything an which we use generally at the end of a long boring speach when we do not have anymore ideas and we don’t know how to end it.
We also have to hear the seller say, quite often, when preparing to pay using a credit card: “I let you type your code” (well… emh, yes… I expect that I won’t have to fight to use the keybord … neadless to say….)
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unsolicitedtidbits
December 4, 2013
One time the weatherman reported “100% chance of rain,” and I thought he should just say “It will rain today!” As always, love your post.
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bronxboy55
December 6, 2013
I like when they say that there’s a fifty percent chance of rain. That’s like saying, “It might rain, and it might not.” Which we already knew.
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galeweithers
December 24, 2013
Reblogged this on Living Life: Day by Day and commented:
Are you working hard or hardly working? It could be the “same difference” for some of us – because language is a funny thing.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2013
Thanks again, Gale. I appreciate the support.
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You'll Soon Be Flying
January 8, 2014
Oh man. I stumbled over your blog like a sneaky curb in the dark, as I was aimlessly floating through time and cyberspace today.. both of which I have found more of lately, and I dare say I am in love. Following YOU buddy. You are brilliant!
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2014
Thank you for thinking I’m brilliant, but I fear you may have hit your head when you tripped over that curb. I’ll wait for your mind to clear, and give you some time to reconsider.
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You'll Soon Be Flying
January 9, 2014
I’m clear-headed now, and my comment still stands! Also, thank you so much for popping in on my humble, newly forming blog today. I sincerely appreciate the very kind comments you gave me. Best~
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