The subject of ears seemed to come up a lot. Maybe it was because we spent so much time seated in crowded classrooms with our hands folded on the desk in front of us. Or because we had such an incurable penchant for doing things, in school and elsewhere, that required a grown-up to respond with a stern lecture. The ears were often the first stop for sensory input on the way to the brain. And speaking directly to the ears about the ears increased the chances of comprehension.
That was the premise, anyway.
In one ear and out the other was a frequent complaint, a dismissive analysis of our collective lack of skill at processing most new information. This phrase was meant to suggest that there was no brain between those ears, no chance of interpreting what had just been said with any kind of accuracy. But for me, the problem was more complicated. I tended to look at things from every possible angle, and then get stuck on the least helpful of them.
“That’s ridiculous,” I would think. “In one ear and out the other. If anything, it would go into both ears, then cross paths and exit on the opposite sides. That’s the only way it makes any sense.”
While these thoughts pinballed around in my skull, I invariably missed what was being said next. Usually, it was something about the homework assignment, what was going to be on the next test, or the instructions for a major project I would later swear I was never told about.
One more sound out of you and I’ll pin your ears back. I’d never heard this at home, so when the teachers in our Catholic school said it, I had no idea what it meant. My mother used straight pins when she was hemming a dress. I assumed the nuns were talking about a similar operation, although I couldn’t see how it would work. You’d really need to use a safety pin, or something with a clasp, but I wasn’t about to suggest that. Besides, they seemed to be saying that they wanted us to be quiet. I wasn’t completely dense.
Sometimes the nuns changed the warning to Another word and I’ll box your ears. For years I took this to mean that they were going to cover our ears with little boxes, which seemed as impractical as the pins. In reality, what they intended was much worse: left hooks and right crosses to the sides of our heads. This was one of those situations in which ignorance resulted in less emotional trauma than would have been produced by any ability to pay attention and understand things.
From your mouth to God’s ears. The nuns never said this one, I guess because it would have been sacrilegious to suggest that God needed ears, any more than he would have needed any physical organ. And now that I consider the matter as a mature adult, I don’t believe I ever pictured God with ears, either. Eyes and a mouth, maybe, and hair, for sure. And a golden clipboard. But not ears.
My mother always asked the same question after I took a bath. Did you wash behind your ears? I would inevitably answer that I did, even though I hadn’t. Of all the places that needed a good washing, the region behind my ears was so far down the list that the water was cold and gray long before it would have occurred to me to focus there. I could barely remember there was anything behind my ears. What could possibly have been going on back there that it became such a cause for concern? And why didn’t she tell me before I got into the bathtub — or better yet, while I was in there?
Your ears must have been burning today. My mother and father both said this to some friends of theirs who walked into our house unexpectedly one evening. They had been talking about these people just a few hours earlier, but how my parents could have known about the condition of their ears was beyond me. I assumed they must have gotten too much sun, or had some kind of rash.
She was grinning from ear to ear. This was always a key detail of a story being told about someone who wasn’t there, so I never got to see it for myself. I tried doing it in the mirror once and ended up pulling a muscle in my face.
When someone was about to say something not meant for children, they would advise me to close my ears. Unlike the grinning thing, I was almost positive this couldn’t be done.
He has his father’s ears. Every time I turned around, one aunt or another was saying this about me, probably after a prolonged attempt to identify my most interesting feature. I would deny it, of course, not quite clear on why there was a need to prove ownership of body parts I’d been born with. But the more agitated I got about it, the more they laughed at me.
He’s still wet behind the ears. After hearing this expression a few hundred times, I finally realized that it meant the person was naïve, or inexperienced. The official explanation is that babies and farm animals are born all wet and slippery, and the place behind their ears is the last area to dry. In addition to adding to the mystery of why people are so obsessed with that useless spot behind someone’s ears, I have to wonder who noticed that it’s the slowest to dry off. That doesn’t even seem to qualify as information.
I’m all ears. Whenever anyone said this, I would picture them covered with ears, not the most attractive image on its own. But it also meant that the person was listening intently, which caused me to feel anxious, as though I’d better say something great to justify such a hideous transformation. I also had to work hard at not confusing this with “You’re all thumbs today,” an observation that was made when I had trouble getting my arm into the sleeve of my blazer, or when I’d dropped my pencil for the eleventh time in ten minutes.
We have zucchini coming out of our ears. Also: We’re up to our ears in zucchini. I heard some variation of these every fall, when the garden in our little backyard would be overflowing with vegetables. They’re coming out of our ears and we’re up to our ears. What? I just couldn’t figure out how those two descriptions could both be true. Then it dawned on me: The zucchini must have gone in one ear and out the other.
As I said before, I wasn’t completely dense.
Wyrd Smythe
July 22, 2013
Well,.. that was a rather eerie post… [grinning, ducking & running away]
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bronxboy55
July 22, 2013
At least you knew enough to run.
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thisihumblyspeak
July 22, 2013
Absolutely pleasant reading. Enough said, the walls have ears.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I remember hearing that, and of course, took it literally.
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zoetic * epics
July 22, 2013
“That was an earful” on just ears! … I have only heard about half of these sayings … I guess my ears are only half as interesting as your’s! 😉
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I bet you’ll hear one of those new sayings sometime in the next week. Let me know. And I liked the latest post about your trip to Poland.
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zoetic * epics
July 23, 2013
I’m up for the bet! But let me first “clean out my ears”! 🙂
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Chichina
July 22, 2013
So often as adults we forget that children are concrete operational thinkers before they are able to grasp abstract concepts. The ones I remember as a child are as follows:
He has a cauliflower ear. “Huh?”
Little jugs have big ears. “What jug are you referring to, mom?”
Pass me that ear of corn. “I thought it was a cob”.
He’s going to get an earful from me. “An earful of what”?
Do you mind if I bend your ear for a moment? “Of course I mind! How about I bend yours and see how you like it?”
Can you lend me your ear? ” No, you have your own”
Great blog as usual…..
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
The version I heard was “Little pitchers have big ears.” That confused me even more, because I thought it meant baseball pitchers.
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Chichina
July 23, 2013
Now I am confused too……But then, I’m always confused.
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icedteawithlemon
July 22, 2013
Charles, your blog is always “music to my ears,” and I learn something every time I read it. This time it was the origin of the phrase “wet behind the ears.” Admittedly, it might not be the most useful of information to add to the clutter in my brain–but interesting nonetheless.
Do you by any chance know if any of your former teachers are among your readers? How cool it would be for them to have proof that the daydreaming, questioning little boy whose ears they frequently wanted to box actually retained all that sensory input after all.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
Karen, I was lucky to have several amazing English teachers in junior and senior high school. I’ve tried to find them a few times, with no success, and it seems unlikely that they’re reading this blog. As for the nuns, I have no idea. Many have left the order, so they’d be using different names now.
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Patti Kuche
July 22, 2013
You always bring back so many memories! One of the greatest parish scandals when I was young was hearing that a father of a large Catholic family had his ear bitten off in a fight outside the pub – it felt like a double horror, having an ear bitten off seemed as unimaginable as being so drunk although I suspect being so drunk might have helped dull the pain.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I know it isn’t funny, Patti, but I’m trying to picture that guy in Confession the next week, straining to hear his penance.
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Artattack - not only about art
July 22, 2013
Reblogged this on artattack.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I hope your readers like it.
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Artattack - not only about art
July 23, 2013
Im sure they will!
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unsolicitedtidbits
July 22, 2013
A delightful read! Now you have me thinking about expressions that had me stumped. Great post!
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I think most expressions had me stumped.
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cecilia
July 22, 2013
I too was taught by Nuns.. their ears were fortunately covered.. though we were encouraged to wash behind ours and once to my horror I saw a small child led down the corridor BY his ear.. traumatised me as you can imagine! c
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
I couldn’t count the number of kids I saw pulled out of class by their ears. It’s a pretty effective way to get someone to move in a certain direction, but I wonder if it can also cause serious injury.
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charlywalker
July 22, 2013
‘ears to another fine post!
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
Thanks, CW. I always appreciate your feedback.
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earthriderjudyberman
July 22, 2013
‘Ears to ya’, Charles. Over the years, I’ve heard many of these. Sorting them out … I’d always wondered what their origins were. Thank you for your cl-ear-ification. 🙂
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
Thanks, Judy. And is it okay if I recommend your latest post to anyone who might happen to Stumble Upon this comment?
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earthriderjudyberman
July 24, 2013
You are a dear, Charles. I finally got sorted out what they were talking about. But I appreciate the plug on your page. 🙂
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atenea19772013
July 22, 2013
LOL…fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAJAJAJAJJA THIS IS AN EAR!!!! NO DOUBT!…
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
I took Spanish for four years and never realized laughter was spelled with a J. I also wish I knew enough of the language to really read your blog.
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atenea19772013
July 23, 2013
jajajajajajajajaj u can do it in both ways…hahahahahaha or jajajajajaja…sounds almost the same! and the meaningh is a BIGGGGGGGGGGG laught!!!!!!!!!! tx for comment and reading me!
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atenea19772013
July 22, 2013
Reblogged this on atenea1977blog.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
Thanks.
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Allan Douglas (@AllanDouglasDgn)
July 22, 2013
My favorite was “Lend me an ear”… what? NO! They’re not detachable!
Thanks for another moment of mirth and merriment.
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2013
That was a favorite line in cartoons, Allan: “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.” I’m pretty sure I was in high school before I found out it was from Shakespeare.
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reneejohnsonwrites
July 22, 2013
My – what a plethora of ears you have. Guess it’s better to hear you that way. Unless I stick my fingers in my ears and then I can’t let anything pass in the middle or go in one and out the other. LOL. I adore your creativity. Forget about the ‘eyes’, the ‘ears’ have it here.
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
When I failed to hear something the first time, my mother would say, “Do you have potatoes in your ears?” I’d forgotten about that until you used the words “eyes” and “ears” together.
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rangewriter
July 22, 2013
Why that explains why during those marvelous revolutionary 60’s and 70’s boys began growing their hair down over their ears. It was protection from getting those poor appendages yanked and stuffed and reamed. Remember those rules that you had to have your hair cut above your ears? Then it couldn’t touch your shirt collar, then, well, then it all fell out. Well, not for you, you lucky-eared man.
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
I applied for a job as a security guard once, and the most important requirement was that your hair couldn’t touch your collar. It seems ridiculous to think about that now — almost as ridiculous as the idea of me working as a security guard.
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Elyse
July 22, 2013
I always wondered about the need to wash behind my ears so carefully, too, Charles. I feel so much better knowing I was not alone. In fact, that info makes me smile from ear to ear.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
When I was a teenager, I found myself in a work setting in which regional managers would periodically show up and inspect the building for cleanliness. The obvious places were sparkling, so they’d reach back behind something to check for dust. It was kind of like they were looking to see if we’d cleaned behind our ears.
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marymtf
July 23, 2013
Ears are really talented, don’t you think so, Charles? My partner has been known to play the piano by ear. Have I told you before, Charles, that I find your posts simply ear-resistible?
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
Ears are amazing, Mary. To think that vibrating bones (and a few brain cells) can reconstruct sounds into something we can understand. It’s hard to fathom.
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Mal
July 23, 2013
I hear you, I hear you, Charles.. loved it…absorbing! Here’s a nice quote: ‘The day has eyes, the night has ears.’
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
That’s a great quote, Mal. It must be why we hear things at night that go unnoticed during the day.
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Snoring Dog Studio
July 23, 2013
Everything you write is music to my ears and eyes. You are a delight. I don’t think I’ve ever washed behind my ears. I figure they get the run off from the shower head.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
But did your Mom ever question you about it? Will you ask her and let me know?
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Snoring Dog Studio
July 25, 2013
She had four other brats to take care of. She had only so much time and energy.
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She's a Maineiac
July 23, 2013
God had a golden clipboard. But not ears. haha! I was JUST writing about a similar thing. My daughter keeps asking me why Elmo has no ears. It’s a mystery I can’t figure out.
Oh, go on with yourself, Charles. Keep letting these thoughts pinball around from ear to ear so you can keep entertaining us readers.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
A lot of the Muppets have no ears, including Kermit. I’ll look into it and see what I can find out.
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John
July 23, 2013
Well said. One might say, “I hear you.”
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
Thanks, John. It’s good to hear from you.
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shoreacres
July 23, 2013
You certainly have given us an earful! It’s only been in the last few years I heard the expression “from your lips to God’s ears”. For some reason, I think it’s rooted in Jewish culture, but I can’t say why – except that the first person I knew who used it on a regular basis was Jewish.
Everyone’s missed a big one whose origins I also don’t know – “earworm”. You know – that piece of music you hear once and then can’t get rid of. I’d give you an example, but it seems unnecessarily unkind.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
Actually, the very suggestion of earworm triggered one. It must be like yawning. And it’s always some inane song I don’t even like. Do you have a cure?
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Sandra Parsons
July 23, 2013
In German there is a saying that translates as “Are you sitting on your ears?!” to admonish someone who isn’t listening properly or asks for information that has just been given. Now I can just see your imagination trying to process this picture… You’re welcome.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2013
In the US, we had a similar expression, but the implication was that you were sitting on your brain. I can’t remember exactly how it went.
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knotrune
July 23, 2013
How many ears did Billy the Kid have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier.
The image of an ear on the forehead waving around wildly and probably angrily cracks me up every time 😀
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Bruce
July 24, 2013
I like the tongue sticking out in the first cartoon. As with ‘icedteawithlemon’ I now know something extra about being wet behind the ears. Thanks for that Charles. I’m also kind of pleased I didn’t go to a Catholic school; nuns don’t seem to have a tender reputation.
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bronxboy55
July 24, 2013
In defense of the nuns, Bruce, our classes usually had more than fifty students, and the teachers had no assistants, aides, or volunteers to help them. It’s pretty amazing that we all survived. Obviously, I didn’t appreciate any of this until I had kids of my own.
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Stacie Chadwick
July 24, 2013
I never wash behind my ears. Is that revelation too intimate for a blog comment?
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bronxboy55
July 26, 2013
Not at all, Stacie. In fact, if you were better at self-promotion, you could probably get your own television show, based on that concept alone.
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Betty Londergan
July 24, 2013
It just occurred to me why you’re such a wonderful writer — clearly, you’ve ALWAYS been obsessed with words and what they mean when they’re put together in different ways. I just love the way your mind works, Charles – it delights me to no end (and come to think of it, that’s a pretty weird phrase, too — see, now I’m even thinking like you!! )
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bronxboy55
July 26, 2013
Betty, I’ve always looked at this constant struggle for meaning as another way my mind doesn’t work. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. It means a lot.
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Chris
July 24, 2013
Oh man…another brilliant, too funny post..you are amazing…sorry you’re getting such an earful here on the subject BUT! This is totally off topic but when I read the phrase…”do you have potatoes in your ears”? I thought What? Potatoes have eyes, so they would be able to see inside your ears!! Oh God!! 🙂
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bronxboy55
July 26, 2013
I’m not sure I got that potato quote right, Chris. I may have combined two different statements into one. But thanks for your nice comment.
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bitchontheblog
July 25, 2013
Have always been suspicious of extremities. Though do like my nose: I’s quite long. I can look down it. Ears are not my thing. Not least since longest standing friend told me that lobes will enlarge with age. Being a painter I do not doubt his word. Have stopped wearing pony tail.
One question: Why are people with crossed eyes considered either stupid or innocent?
U
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bronxboy55
July 26, 2013
I think it’s because in movies and cartoons, people tend to go cross-eyed when they’ve been hit over the head. So we unconsciously reverse cause and effect.
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lostnchina
July 25, 2013
Thanks for bringing attention to an oft-ignored part of the body with this great post, Charles! I actually knew a guy who had sported such hideous elephantine ears that he had them pinned back as a child. (In this case, “pinned back” refers to the surgical procedure performed in a hospital, not the impromptu sessions performed by an enraged nun.)
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bronxboy55
July 26, 2013
There must be some pretty interesting ear-related cultural customs around the world, Susan. And I was going to say it might make a good book, but I bet it’s already been done.
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lostnchina
July 26, 2013
Actually, that’s a great idea and an inspiration (ear book). A preliminary search on Amazon yielded nothing.
I was also going to say that your responding to each and every one of these comments is a blog post unto itself. Thanks for paying such attention to your blog posts and to your readers, Charles!
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silkpurseproductions
July 26, 2013
I’m a little late to the party here and can’t think of one “ear”piece that hasn’t been used.
Lots of fun in this post along with some pretty strong childhood memories.
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bronxboy55
July 30, 2013
Better late than never, Michelle. I always appreciate your feedback.
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