I know it’s already the second week of January, and it may seem a little late to be making predictions for 2013. But people are still saying “Happy New Year,” eating stale cookies, and slurping down eggnog. Plus, as far as I know, none of the following things have happened yet, so technically they qualify as prophecy.
• In early spring, reports that the legendary Sasquatch has been captured in northern Montana will spread quickly around the Internet. However, biologists will soon determine that it’s just a man with exceptionally big feet who likes to run through the woods wearing a fake fur coat and looking nervously over his shoulder.
• Hospital emergency rooms will report a ninety percent increase in trauma cases caused by cell phone users who walk out into traffic while texting. Meanwhile, auto body shops will report the same increase in business, mostly due to broken front bumpers caused by cell phone users who walk out into traffic while texting.
With surging sales of mood rings and lava lamps, fads from the 1970s will continue to reappear:
• Clothing stores for pet rocks will sprout up in shopping malls across North America. Their biggest seller will be the one-size-fits-all gym shorts.
• In June, the president will address a joint session of Congress to discuss proposed cuts to the budget for the next fiscal year, then will invite everyone back to the White House to play Twister.
• Electric blankets and water beds will again prove to be an unwise combination.
• After a new air-guitar champion is crowned, enthusiasts with even less talent will spin off another art form – Imaginary Air Guitar – in which they jump around on stage, without music, pretending to play air guitar. By year’s end, still another faction will break away, reducing its artistic activity to sitting in a chair and thinking about pretending to play air guitar. Sales of blank tee-shirts and empty guitar cases will skyrocket. Lip-sync contestants, attempting to duplicate the trend, will be stunned to learn that audiences aren’t interested in watching someone think about pretending to sing songs. Imaginary lip-sync will finally catch on in 2017, when everyone realizes that no one knows how to do anything else.
• According to the latest official statistics, this year the average person will spend the equivalent of thirteen days trying to open cereal boxes, jars of pickles, and plastic garbage bags. Eleven hours will be wasted looking for the television remote, three hours devoted to arguing with the self-service checkout at the grocery store, and ninety minutes squeezing ketchup from those little packets at McDonald’s. Another quarter-day will be lost looking for something in the refrigerator, and five hours will slip away in the shower as we repeatedly drop the soap and attempt to pick it back up. Each of us will use almost an entire week deciding which potato chips to buy.
• Historians will discover that as the calendar was modified over the centuries in order to more accurately match the Earth’s orbit, several errors were made. At various times, new months have been added, old months lengthened or shortened, and leap years implemented. As a result, revised calculations will now show that this coming March 18 should have been a Sunday. While most industries will ignore the issue completely, all post office employees will be sent home from work.
• A bathroom scale will be invented that responds to the human voice. For example, each time the person looks at the readout and yells, “That can’t be right!” the scale decreases the weight by five pounds.
• A talking clam will be found in the waters off the coast of Guatemala. Within weeks, thousands of clams will be hauled in, all speaking fluent Spanish. As if to contradict the popular expression, “clam up,” most will tend to be somewhat verbose. However, it will be hard to understand what they’re saying, and they’ll show little aptitude for abstract conversation. Still another phrase, “Happy as a clam,” will fall out of use once it’s noticed that many of the clams are really quite melancholy.
• With every tourist spot groping for even the most insignificant designation, such as “The fifth-longest blue suspension bridge west of the Alleghenies,” everyone will be shocked to learn that there is currently no “Wax Capital of the World.” Following the announcement, dozens of locations will lay claim to the marketing honor, including four cities in California alone.
• The United States will eliminate its national debt by October through the skillful use of couponing. According to a housewife in Nebraska, “By the end of the year, China and Japan could owe us as much as three hundred dollars.”
• In July, geologists will announce that global sea levels actually dropped by three millimeters during the first half of the year. Scientists will be at a loss to explain the mystery, until a submarine captain notices a huge drain plug at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. Further investigation will reveal that the plug’s gasket needs to be replaced.
• The International Olympic Committee will announce that hopscotch and pogo stick racing will be added to the 2016 summer games. However, individual synchronized swimming will not be returning. Some observers believe it’s because the sport is weird, while others think it’s simply too upsetting to watch, especially for children in the crowd who often worry that the swimmer is being eaten by a sea monster.
• The top ten finishers in the Boston Marathon will all be from Kenya, primarily because nobody else bothered to show up.
• Seventy-three world leaders will assemble at a summit in Berlin at the end of November. There will be no purpose to the meeting and nothing will be discussed. According to a spokesperson, the attendees are all old friends, and just missed each other. Meanwhile, out in the streets, protesters will clash with police for pretty much the same reason.
VeggieSandwichGeneration
January 7, 2013
Please consider stand-up comedy. Did you ever hear Mitch Hedberg? By far my favorite comedian and I think you might have similar material. That was great – how does your mind come up with such ideas unless, perhaps, you are a modern Nostradamus?
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
My son and I both like Mitch Hedberg, and didn’t realize he had already died by the time we first heard of him. About being a Nostradamus: I doubt even Nostradamus was one. The problem with predicting the future is that the more specific you are, the more likely you are to be wrong.
By the way, I liked your recent post:
http://veggiesandwichgeneration.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/this-ones-for-you-larry/
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
January 7, 2013
I want that scale. If I yell at the top of my lungs, will it take off even more than five pounds?
Don’t mention opening plastic bags. At the supermarket yesterday, I struggled to open the clear bag to put my produce in. I said in a humorous manner to the woman next to me, also struggling, that the store puts these bags in the market as IQ tests. The man behind me poked me in the side and gave me a really dirty look. You see, the other woman struggling was mentally disabled and I didn’t notice that. With about five people huddled around me giving me dirty looks, I skulked to another aisle of the store, miserable the rest of the day. I felt just horrible. My prediction for 2013 is that I should keep my big fat trap shut from here on out.
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
You were just being your friendly self, EOS. I think that’s the most important IQ test there is.
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Paula J
January 7, 2013
Arguing with the self service checkout? You got that right! Melancholy clams–too funny.
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
I don’t even use the self-service checkout anymore, Birdie. Sooner or later, I do something that’s against the rules — like not putting the item into the bag fast enough — and a human cashier has to come over and straighten things out. So now I just skip that step. In fact, I predict that someday, all those computer checkouts will be replaced by people.
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simonandfinn
January 8, 2013
This was great! And I loved the melancholy clams too… I thought immediately of Megamind ( 1min09 here.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi59kKLzo9g)
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bronxboy55
January 12, 2013
I’d never heard of Megamind, but liked the video a lot. Thanks for sending it, Melissa.
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"HE WHO"
January 14, 2013
I believe you are right on with that prognostication.
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Stacie Chadwick
January 7, 2013
Since Earth Ocean Sky Redux already commented on the scale, I considered going with something else, but a scale that automatically drops weight when yelled at is genius, just like a husband who automatically picks up his boxers off the bathroom floor without any kind of prompt (and asks you if you’d like a foot massage) is long overdue to be invented. Please come up with a way to achieve both, Charles, and while you’re at it, figure out how to stop my kids from putting clean clothes in the laundry basket so they don’t have to hang them up.
Happy Belated New Years!
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
I’m very close to creating a plan for permanent world peace, Stacie, but boxers on the bathroom floor? That’s way out of my league. I know you’ll come up with something. The foot massage is tricky, too, because for the typical man, that wouldn’t be high on his list, so he isn’t likely to think of it. For both your husband and the kids, you should probably try threats. The experts say it’s the worst thing you can do, but it seems to be the only method that works.
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Stacie Chadwick
January 8, 2013
But that would mean I’d probably end up having to learn to cook, because let’s face it, a fresh piece of bacon hot off the grill is much more massage-oriented than one of those Puperoni thingys out of the bag. =)
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
It may be easier to just learn to live with the underwear on the floor.
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Michelle Gillies
January 7, 2013
Yes, I really want that scale.
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
Apparently, a lot of people do, Michelle. Maybe we can start a business, and you can produce the infomercials.
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Michelle Gillies
January 9, 2013
Count me in. Just don’t weigh me.
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
January 7, 2013
Oh my! This post has put me into a crying fit of giggles. The clams and the individualized synchronized swimming (accompanied by that video) put me over the edge. Thanks for a good laugh.
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
And thanks for the kind words, Margaret. I hope your year is off to a good start.
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Sarah
January 7, 2013
Individual synchronized swimming? An oxymoron, yes? I thought you were kidding, so thank you for including the video. Now I’ve seen everything. As for the scale, there is one that reads 0.00 the first time you get on it. Every time after that, it shows only the number of pounds you’ve lost (or gained). It’s still a scale, though, so I still don’t want it. (Oh, and clearly the Comment feature works for me again.)
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2013
I have no idea why they call it synchronized swimming. Synchronized with what? I watched several videos, and while it obviously takes a lot of skill, I found it hard to appreciate the better performances because I didn’t know what to look for.
What happens if there’s more than one person using the scale? Does it sense who you are? I hope not.
I’m glad the comments box has returned. Happy New Year, Sarah.
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The Sandwich Lady
January 7, 2013
Loved the Marathon comment! I live at the starting point and…Kenya believe it?…the same country wins every time!
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I can definitely believe it, Catherine. There’s less dominance in the NYC race, for some reason — although Grete Waitz was almost unbeatable in the 1980s.
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Allan Douglas (@AllanDouglasDgn)
January 7, 2013
I love your new years predictions, Charles. This one is my favorite this year: ” According to the latest official statistics, this year the average person will spend the equivalent of thirteen days trying to open cereal boxes, jars of pickles, and plastic garbage bags…” I feel you might have been just a little conservative on the potato chip selection portion, but close enough! I’m printing this post out so I can check them off as they occur. And once they all come to pass I’ll buy a Big Daddy root beer and drink the whole thing in one sitting.
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I’ve never had Big Daddy’s root beer, Allan. But now I’ll be dreaming about it, along with a couple of soft pretzels from the Philly Pretzel Factory.
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cat
January 7, 2013
Thank you for making me smile today, BB55 … Love, cat.
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I hope you smile every day, cat.
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Sandra Parsons
January 7, 2013
Which one of Guatemala’s coast would that be? Just so that I know where to look out for these clams.
Oh, and I will make sure to visit my parents before the end of November, I really don’t fancy bumping into any of these protesters I haven’t seen in a while.
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I was talking about the Pacific coast, Sandra. The clams on the Caribbean side pretty much keep to themselves, because of persecution by crabs from Honduras.
I hope things are going well on your new island.
http://islandmonkeys.wordpress.com
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Ashley
January 7, 2013
I must have this scale you speak of! Also, this was my favorite: “The top ten finishers in the Boston Marathon will all be from Kenya, primarily because nobody else bothered to show up.” I’ve often wondered why anyone else bothers. Oh, and if I may add to your list, 10 more brand-new reality shows…because apparently there’s never a shortage of material.
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I’ve tried to watch a couple of those reality shows, Ashley, and they seem anything but real.
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magsx2
January 7, 2013
Hi,
I also would love to have that scale, what an invention.
You can put me on that list contributing to the statistics of trying to open jars and bags, I’m sure they make it harder than it has to be. 🙂
Fantastic predictions for 2013.
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I often wonder, when I’m fighting like mad with the bag inside the cereal box, how people with severe arthritis manage to get anything to eat.
Happy New Year, Mags. I hope all is well.
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cocoderojas
January 7, 2013
The clams, simply brilliant. And love that you ended the post with an accurate statement…
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2013
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for the nice comment.
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techlady911
January 7, 2013
Oh my goodness, I can’t stop giggling…each prediction is better than the last. Although the clam was particularly brilliant, as was the individual-synchronized-swimmer-being-eaten-by-a-sea-monster imagery. Boy, did I need this laugh today. Thanks!
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2013
Thank you, Tess. I wrote a similar post at the end of 2010, and those predictions are as meaningless today as they were then.
I hope you’re doing well.
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strawberryquicksand
January 8, 2013
I think I mostly like your post. lol.
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2013
Thank you, Yvette. How warm is it where you are? Never mind — I don’t really want to know.
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strawberryquicksand
January 10, 2013
Haha tough! It’s cool here in Canberra but two hours away where the bush fires are burning day and night it’s over 40 degrees celcius. 😀
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She's a Maineiac
January 8, 2013
I was trying to buy some yogurt the other day and spent nearly 10 minutes trying to decide which one among the hundreds of different flavors. I left without buying any.
And that scale? Pure brilliance. Have you thought of marketing these? You’d be rich, Charles!
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2013
Have you tried to buy orange juice lately? Or aspirin?
Darla, you have my permission to steal the scale idea. And now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be surprised if the thing already exists. There’s probably a factory worker somewhere in China right now, putting one into a box and thinking, “Those Americans must all be millionaires.”
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earthriderjudyberman
January 8, 2013
I was happy as a clam, Charles, when I read your predictions that mood rings and pet rocks will again be in vogue. I still have mine.
I’m with Darla on the scale issue – (darn her, she got here first). Everyone would be clamoring for a scale that doesn’t weigh in on how fat we are.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2013
“Weigh in.” I always love how writers aren’t afraid to play with words, and make jokes others might consider corny. But did you really buy a pet rock?
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earthriderjudyberman
January 11, 2013
Charles … Thank you, I love to play with words.
If I search around, I might be able to produce my pet rock. Yes, I did buy one. It was quite a joke. As I recall, there was a booklet with it on how to teach the pet rock tricks. It was neat, didn’t require a pooper scooper, and didn’t go thru separation anxiety while I was at work. So, win-win. 😆
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Interested Priya
January 9, 2013
Oh, Charles.
P.S. Are the colours in the paragraphs different for a reason?
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2013
I just thought some visual variety might be a good idea, partly to make it clear that the paragraphs aren’t connected in any way.
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winsomebella
January 9, 2013
I want that scale :-). And yes, I am one who is still saying Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2013
It’s only the 11th, Stacia, so 2013 is still new. I look forward to another year of your excellent writing and amazing photography.
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sybil
January 9, 2013
Watching something the other day and learned that Cape Breton is the 77th largest island in the world …
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2013
And Australia is the largest island. Yet somehow, a few years ago, that couple intending to go to Sydney, Australia, on their honeymoon ended up in Sydney, NS. Did you hear about that?
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marymtf
January 10, 2013
So, maybe, when people say happy new year, they are actually hoping for one rather than wishing it on you (or maybe it’s both). We still have a mix of self-service checkouts in Aus and real human beings. I prefer to deal with the latter. Glad I still have a choice.
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bronxboy55
January 12, 2013
I think it’s both, Mary. Most people seem pretty worn out by the end of the year, so they’re hoping the next one will be better.
The self-service checkouts have been around for a long time, but they still have some serious flaws. I don’t think the human cashiers will be disappearing anytime soon, just as the real bank tellers haven’t.
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marymtf
January 12, 2013
I was just kidding around about the New Years Eve bit, Charles. I guess it doesn’t come across that way. I should stop thinking I can do it.
Charles, the moment those machines arrived here the cashiers had their hours cut back (I’ve asked). I’m guessing it’s the same with bank tellers. Our Medficare offices have recently had their staff cut back because the refunds go straight into our bank accounts now. Ironically the issues they deal with take up more time but less people are expected to manage.
The more we progress the less human interaction we can expect. Pretty soon it’s going to be so normalised we won’t remember what we are missing and the younger generation won’t care.
And the people who traditionally went into unskilled type jobs have less options available to them. It’s futile, I know, I’m not trying to change things back. In the history of progress that has never happened, but I hope to keep on dealing with people wherever I have the choice.
ps. your picture seems to have disappeared again on my blog when you responded.)
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Betty Londergan
January 10, 2013
Oh sure … just when I get really good at imaginary pretend lip-synching and individual synchronized swimming, they fall out of favor. I knew 2013 was going to fail me!!
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bronxboy55
January 12, 2013
Maybe we can start a new craze: Air Novel Writing. We program our computers to print out a Hemingway story while we sit at the keyboard and pretend to type.
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bspargo
January 12, 2013
I liked the pet rock clothing store idea, however, I think that voice responsive bathroom scale will be the real winner! Thanks for the laugh!
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bronxboy55
January 13, 2013
And thanks for the kind words. It’s always good to hear from you.
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Elyse
January 12, 2013
Thanks a lot Charles. Now I am no longer “Happy as a Clam.” Sheesh!
Happy New Year. I do hope they find that gasket in the Indian Ocean.
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bronxboy55
January 13, 2013
I’m sure they’ll find it, Elyse. What I’m worried about is the plumber’s bill.
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Bruce
January 13, 2013
Thanks for the detail that always gets me, Charles. One size fits all gym shorts for pet rocks (a really good laugh on this) and the talk back bathroom scales are great. Then there is time lost arguing with the self checkout (to be avoided). I guess I’ll check out the individual synchronised swimming when it gets here. Bruce.
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bronxboy55
January 13, 2013
I’m always glad to hear that I can travel halfway around the world and find pretty much the same nonsense that we have here. I think I’d feel very at home in Australia. Thanks, Bruce. I hope you’re having a good year so far, and that it will only get better.
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"HE WHO"
January 14, 2013
Great post! I don’t have to love the scale because my better half already did. If you could make the scale a weight “whisperer”, I think you would make serious, serious money. Herself certainly would not step on a scale that spoke loud enough for me to hear. And about those computerized checkouts???? I really hate them, and that coming from a guy who used to own a small grocery store with three checkouts. I believe they will all eventually break down and be replaced by real cashiers. It can’t be too soon.
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bronxboy55
January 16, 2013
I guess the scale needs to have a volume control. Pre-recorded messages would be good, too. Flattery only, of course, although I don’t know what a scale could see from way down there and looking straight up. Or maybe I just don’t want to think about it.
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"HE WHO"
January 16, 2013
LOL
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Barbara Rodgers
January 15, 2013
Reading your predictions was much more fun than reading the tabloid headlines while waiting in line at the grocery store! Apparently the folks around here didn’t do too well with self service checkout. No one would use them so our grocery store removed them after about a year… I need a cashier – besides, I’m terrible at bagging groceries…
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bronxboy55
January 16, 2013
I tend to get nervous with the self-service checkout because it’s constantly barking orders in that fake-sweet voice. And I always manage to do something wrong, and a real person has to come over anyway.
Thanks, Barbara.
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dearrosie
January 21, 2013
I also always do the wrong thing at self-service checkouts and I’m a cashier! Why are they so complicated. When I don’t take a plastic bag for my shopping the machine yells at me.
Have you ever tried to open one of those little doggie poo-poo bags on a dark sidewalk? It would be nice if someone could come up with a plastic bag that spoke English (they could learn from the clams while they’re laying together in the supermarket cart). The bags don’t need to an enormous vocabulary just enough words to let us know which is the end to open.
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bronxboy55
January 21, 2013
I wonder how difficult it would be to put a little pull-tab at the top of each bag. It might cost a little more, but it would improve everyone’s productivity — and decrease frustration.
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Dave Homes
March 20, 2013
Haha like the post. You should definitely try standup comedy! LOLz
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Dave Homes
March 20, 2013
BTW. Self-service lines always get jacked up. They could have put a lot more thought into engineering those. lls
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bronxboy55
March 25, 2013
I never use them anymore, because I know there will be a problem. I won’t put an item into the bag quickly enough, or there will be some mysterious issue with something. It never saves time.
Thanks for the kind words, Dave.
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Rufina
April 3, 2013
So hilarious. I quite enjoy looking at your past posts, they always bring a laugh! I had similar favorites as the other commenters, like the talkative clams. I was also partial to the Olympic Hopscotch prediction, of course. 😉 The 2016 Olympic Committee better have an equal balance of men and women judges to help explain all the non-written imaginary “rules”!
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bronxboy55
April 5, 2013
They’re also going to need television commentators for that hopscotch event, Rufina. Here’s your chance. (Or were you thinking of competing?)
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Rufina
April 6, 2013
Hmmm! This is a great idea! I still have a couple of years to train and qualify! I wonder how long it will take me to get my hopscotch legs back…;) Lol.
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