Recently, fellow blogger Karen asked if I would consider leaving my brain to science. I was flattered by the question, until I realized that such a donation would have adverse effects on my health, and suddenly the idea didn’t seem quite so appealing. Also, science doesn’t spend much time on things it already comprehends, preferring to focus on the odd and mysterious. In other words, the freaks of nature. Karen is my friend, though, and I’m sure she wasn’t including me in that category. Pretty sure, anyway.
But she did get me wondering about the process. For one thing, if I donated my brain, could I use it as a deduction on my tax return? Sometimes I hear radio commercials pitching the benefits of giving away used cars to charities. “Get rid of that old clunker and help St. Daphne’s Animal Hospital raise much-needed funds,” they say. “Your donation is tax-deductible.” If my old clunker is tax-deductible, wouldn’t my brain have to be, too? The car has a bad transmission and bald tires, while my brain has hardly been used.
It sounds ridiculous, at first, I know. What does the brain have to do with taxes? But take a look at income tax software, specifically the packaging. It always shows people smiling their heads off. Anyone in their right mind doesn’t smile during tax season, ever. Clearly, these people are missing their brains. Of course, it could be that they’re not doing their taxes at all, and are only models who posed for the picture on the box. But how do they get themselves to look so happy? Maybe they’ve just finished watching an entertaining and original romantic comedy in which a wedding has been canceled at the very last moment and the bride has run off with the guy she really loves, the one who never shaves or goes to work, but who makes her laugh and plays with her dog. That could be. Or those people might just be real taxpayers who donated their brains to science.
Suddenly, I can’t stop thinking about it. I try to imagine what it would be like to be reduced to nothing more than a mass of nerve cells, slid into a glass container, and put onto a shelf like a jar of mayonnaise. What might it feel like to be immersed in formaldehyde? To be sliced and probed and peered at under a microscope? And most intriguing of all, what if the brain, even after death, somehow remains conscious – with active thoughts and memories? The chemicals and connections are there, still in place. How can we be sure it doesn’t go on contemplating all kinds of things? So those ghost stories may actually have it right, only it isn’t the spirit that has unfinished business; it’s the mind. It’s possible that our brains can’t rest until they have everything figured out.
In my case, that could take centuries.
So I’ve decided to do it. I’m going to leave my brain to science. A noble gesture, yes, but I’m also taking an extra step. A somewhat selfish step. As they study my brain, the scientists will surely come across things they won’t understand. Rather than risk misinterpretation, I’ve compiled a brief guide, both as a way for them to advance their own knowledge, and as a chance for me to express some of my struggles. The hope is that I’ll assist in their cause and, in turn, they’ll be able to assist me as I continue, in the afterlife, to wrestle with unresolved issues. A partial list of those issues is presented here, arranged according to the section of the brain in which they reside.
1. Lingering Childhood Confusion
• Why was my mother constantly telling everyone I had my father’s nose? If it was true, whose nose did he have? And when did all this nose-swapping take place? Also, when she wanted me to get out of bed in the morning, why did she say, “Up and Adam”? Did I have someone else’s name, too?
• Speaking of Adam, why did an apple a day keep the doctor away? Did doctors not like apples? Or did we not like our doctor?
• What really happened to my baseball cards? I had shoeboxes of them, so full I had to hold the lids on with rubber bands. I hate to keep picking on my mother, but I’ve always suspected a cover-up.
2. Idiot Questions
• Who was the Lazy Susan named after, and was that the major accomplishment of her life?
• In the 1700s, why did rich people have drawing rooms, and what were they drawing?
• Who figured out that lobster was the only food that could entice grown-ups to wear a bib?
• Why is it that everywhere I go, I see those little dental floss holders on the ground? Are there that many people who don’t care about littering, but are conscientious about oral hygiene? And then there’s that flattened sock I saw yesterday in the mall parking lot, right next to the floss holder. Was there someone shopping with really clean teeth and one bare foot?
3. Unfulfilled Dreams
• To discover a new planet, a new comet, or a new galaxy, or when I’m feeling less ambitious, to purchase a telescope and find someone to help me get it out of the box.
• To meet one of those twelve-year-old whiz kids who can solve Rubik’s Cube in thirty seconds, so I can tie his shoe laces together when he isn’t looking.
• To at last locate a store that sells white boxer briefs in my size, or to get one of the underwear companies to at least answer my emails.
• To retire from major league baseball after a long and illustrious career, but without having to travel back in time, go to all those practices, play in cold weather, or have people in the stands yell mean things to me when I’m trying to hit.
4. Songs That Won’t Stop Playing in My Head
• Currently, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, but it could be any song that I hear or that someone mentions to me while I’m attempting to think or remember something. Also, most television jingles, especially the ones for products I would never buy and retail outlets I would never shop in, as well as theme songs for shows I would never watch, or would never admit to watching.
• When my daughter was very young, she had a videotape called Wee Sing Together, which she watched relentlessly for months. It featured twenty songs, including Old MacDonald Had A Farm, If You’re Happy and You Know It, and I’m A Little Teapot, all performed with unnatural enthusiasm by a bunch of kids who, when they weren’t in the recording studio, were probably afraid to leave the house. I went into therapy because of that tape, and eventually had to slip it into a dumpster behind the supermarket as my daughter slept in her car seat. I don’t remember the story I concocted to explain its disappearance to her, but it had something to do with flaming arrows, invisible helicopters, and Martian spies on horseback. She seemed to believe it.
5. Random Movie Quotes
I inherited this trait from my father, who would memorize lines from films and then inject them into a conversation whenever appropriate. The difference is that I’ve watched hundreds more movies than he did, and so an entire region of my brain is now brimming with unrelated bits of dialogue, all packed together and intermingling incoherently, like a frozen dinner in which some of the green beans have spilled over into the brownie compartment. The scripted lines pop out of my mouth at unexpected moments and for no apparent reason. For example, if I pass the ketchup to someone at the dinner table, I might say, “Keep the change, you filthy animal,” even though no actual money has changed hands.
While the scientists are analyzing what’s left of me, I plan to communicate with them by tapping into my reservoir of film quotes. Maybe I’ll try this, from The Postman Always Rings Twice: “With my brains and your looks, we could go places.” Or, this, from Forrest Gump: “I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” Or, from Horton Hears a Who: “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
My aim isn’t to alarm the scientists. Nor is it to impress them with my ability to stockpile vast quantities of useless information. I just want them to appreciate that they’re not dealing with some old clunker.
Elyse
December 22, 2012
I hope that when they dissect your brain they can figure out how all of my random memories got into your brain. Because you always do blog about things I’ve been thinking.
Oh, and I once had an office mate (an adult!) who had a CD of the songs I most hated. You Light Up My Life and I Never Promised You a Rose Garden to name just two. She would put it into her disc drive and leave the office, music blaring. When she’d return, she’d realized she’d missed the whole CD so she would play it AGAIN. I was so angry that I couldn’t say anything for the longest time. Eventually I figured out that I had to tell her or kill her. I am still at large.
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bronxboy55
December 25, 2012
Elyse, those two are songs I’ve had playing in my head. And sometimes the trigger isn’t the song itself, or even anyone mentioning it. If I just hear or see something that reminds me of something else that’s in any way connected to the song, it starts playing — and it won’t stop.
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Elyse
December 25, 2012
I fear for your sanity, then Charles. Those must be the two worst songs ever recorded. And the first one is currently on a commercial that comes on when I’m far away from the mute button. There is a special level of hell for folks who write/record songs this annoying!
Merry Christmas. Hope you’ve had a nice holiday. (And I hope I didn’t get those songs stuck in your head! It is my Christmas wish for us both that neither of us ever has to hear or replay these songs in our heads.)
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Jac
December 22, 2012
If your brain is put into a jar someday, would the label read “Abby something”….Abby….Normal”?
I quote movie and tv lines so often that if I say even something remotely clever or funny, James will look at me and say “Seinfeld?”
Mom was wrong – you do not have dad’s nose. You have “our leader’s nose”…”checking the cell structure, checking the cell structure.” See – you’re not alone!
I constantly have a song (or commercial jingle) stuck in my head and I don’t even have to hear it audibly. If someone writes the title of a song and I read it, it’s in my brain. I’m not sure why this doesn’t happen with useful stuff that I want to remember, but it doesn’t. I feel like “I don’t know anything, I never did know anything…”
Merry Christmas (ya filthy animal) and a Happy New Year…
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Anonymous
December 23, 2012
PS – How can you say your brain is hardly used? It never stops!!
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bronxboy55
December 25, 2012
Jac: I would’ve been disappointed if you hadn’t responded with some mention of Abby Normal and the cell structure line. It’s the “Are there no workhouses…?” quote that always reminds me of Dad.
Merry Christmas.
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bronxboy55
December 25, 2012
Anonymous: When people say we use only ten percent of our brain, I think they mean that ninety percent of our thoughts are pointless. That’s what I mean, anyway.
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icedteawithlemon
December 22, 2012
I haven’t decided yet where this post fits on the list, but it is definitely going on my “Top 5 All-Time Favorite Blogs by Charles”! And since it was my suggestion that you leave your brain to science, could you be so kind as to add the stipulation that a few of your brain cells be injected into MY brain (supposing, of course, that my brain is still functioning at that time)–and I also haven’t decided yet which area of your brain would best serve me (supposing, of course, that I’m allowed to pick and choose). I’m waiting for Part II before making my official request, but right now I’m leaning heavily toward either “Idiot Questions” (because yours are so much more entertaining than mine), “Random Movie Quotes” (because I have none of my own), or “Useless Information” (because I’m pretty sure that if I combined your vast supply of useless info with my vast supply, I would have enough to astound and confound the masses–or at the very least, a classroom full of third graders. And rest assured, I would never categorize you as a “freak of nature.” I’m pretty sure, anyway.
(And by the way, thank you for the link!
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
And thank you for the idea, Karen. About injecting brain cells from one person to another: there’s a post I think you should do. I hope your Christmas was a good one, and I look forward to another year of your wonderful writing.
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She's a Maineiac
December 22, 2012
Oh, I’ve no doubt the region of my brain that houses all those endless loops of irritating songs is MUCH bigger than yours.
And I think I know what happened to your baseball cards–your mom sold them at a yard sale for a quarter. That’s what my own mother confessed to my older brothers once after a few glasses of wine. Sorry to break that to you….
Once again you made me laugh, thank you for that, Charles! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
I don’t know that my mother ever had a yard sale. I still have a glimmer of hope that they’ll turn up someday, stashed in a box inside another box, along with my comic books.
Merry Christmas to you and your family, too, Darla.
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rangewriter
December 22, 2012
Leaving a guide to your brain should double your tax deduction. Note, I said should. You know it won’t because that would take an act of congress which ain’t gonna happen in a million years.
Thanks for brightening my day with a chuckle, Charles. Hope you have a lovely, multi-chuckled holiday.
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
It would be interesting to see how the IRS would respond. They’d probably create a new form (BR-1040).
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joy
December 22, 2012
Loops of irritating songs, does your loop sequence from itsy bitsy ypd bikini to over the rainbow? I had them marked as Navy deaths and burials at sea. How long have you held on to this article and are you following d notices?
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
The songs never loop from one to another. What scares me is that after it’s played seven or eight hundred times, I make a conscious decision (and sometimes an angry one) that I will stop hearing the song and start thinking about something constructive — then it starts right up again. We don’t have that much control over our thoughts. At least I don’t.
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joy
December 26, 2012
I find myself listening for useful things like ‘this one’s alive’ at the itsy bitsy stage, I have family involved in rescue. Over the rainbow means to me that bodies have been ‘quietussed’ by the medics. RIP – that’s where they’ll find them. Over the past months many of the bodies I have used have been reversing into emergency services roles.
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earthriderjudyberman
December 22, 2012
Scientists would love to dive into your warped mind. Their quest: to find how to duplicate your cleverness, humor and thoughtfulness. I am glad to discover you’re a kindred spirit and that we share some of the same traits. (For starters: random movie quotes and songs that become worm holes in your brain.) 😉
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Charles.
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
Thank you, as always, for the kind words, Judy. (It must be another symptom of a warped mind that I would consider such a description to be a sign of kindness.) I’m glad we’re kindred spirits, too.
I hope your Christmas was wonderful. Happy New Year.
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earthriderjudyberman
December 26, 2012
Being normal is highly overrated. I’d rather be considered warped, and, like you, I smile when people describe me that way. 🙂
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knotrune
December 23, 2012
My useless information brain region contains the irrelevant factoid that the drawing room was shortened from withdrawing room, the room to which they withdrew after dinner. I was quite disappointed to learn that it was not a room set aside for making doodles. I especially would have liked a room where I could draw all over it, on the walls, the furniture, the floor, the windows. I used to like drawing on walls, but it was not always appreciated. Of course now I have a house of my own I could draw on the walls all I like, but I have to consider the resale value…
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
I’ve solved the urge to draw on walls by hanging a big marker board — 4 feet high by 8 feet long. I can be insane, and immediately hide the evidence.
Thanks for the information on the withdrawing room. Now, at long last, it makes sense.
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Amiable Amiable
December 23, 2012
What Karen said – Top 5! This was hysterical, Charles! A sock and a dental flosser together in a parking lot? Obviously, someone was flossing their toes. And this observation is why you would say to me, “Snap out of it!”
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
You never let a Moonstruck opportunity pass you by, AA. One of these days, I’m going to write an entire post about the full moon.
I hope your new year is filled with good health, employment, and some time in Italy. (My threat to put a curse on the plane didn’t work, did it?)
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Amiable Amiable
December 26, 2012
The luna! Yes, write a post about the full luna! Thanks for your good wishes and at least trying to curse the plane. Could you please take the curse off the plane now?! Or maybe I could wear garlic around my neck while we’re on it.
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eternalabsurdity
December 24, 2012
Never mind dental floss holders…The tree outside my window has a pair of jeans hanging from a branch. I mean, seriously, what could they possibly have been doing? o.O
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
I was going to guess laundry, but that probably isn’t right. There’s a pair of sneakers tied together and wrapped around a telephone wire down the street. I don’t even wonder why — but how?
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winsomebella
December 24, 2012
Laughing all the way here 🙂 Oh my, you made me remember that Wee Sing Together tape…..yikes!
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2012
Sorry to dredge up unpleasant memories, Stacia.
Happy New Year!
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Diane Henders
December 24, 2012
I don’t know about science, Charles; I think your brain should be a national treasure. Loved this post! I wonder how much of a tax deduction I could get if I donated, say, my appendix…?
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
Hold onto that appendix, Diane. One of these days, they’re going to figure out that it does something important.
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Catherine Seidell
December 24, 2012
Dear Charlie,
Have a wonderful Christmas, and a Happy New Year too!
Love,
Cathy
Sent from my iPhone
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
Same to you, Cathy. I hope it’s a healthy one.
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magsx2
December 24, 2012
Hi,
I can certainly relate to the never ending song staying in the brain, especially this time of year. 😀
I would like to wish you and your family a Very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
Thank you, Mags. Happy New Year, and I look forward to your return to blogging. (Soon?)
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Lady from Manila
December 25, 2012
That’s one busy brain you’ve got, Bb. And a colorful one, too. Fascinating, in fact. Just wondering, sure there’s no color green in there? 😉
If there’s any donation on my part, it would be my heart. The instructions, warnings and guide above would certainly apply as well – including the colors. I told you before; I will always possess the heart of a 14 year old. Good luck to the scientist who could find a use for it.
Merry Christmas to you, Charles. You’re the best email and blogging buddy one could ever have.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
I’d love to see what you would do with a post about your heart. It could probably turn into an entirely new blog.
It was a difficult Christmas for you in some ways, I know, and I hope the new year brings only good things. Thank you for being my blogging buddy, too.
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Snoring Dog Studio
December 26, 2012
I love the fact that your brain is so colorful! That alone makes you very special. I, too, am always horrified when I see those floss picks lying on the ground – they’re the new urban trash, replacing the cigarette butt. I like that people floss; I just don’t want to see the remnants of the act.
Your brain is worth tons of money. Don’t let it go cheap.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
I was hoping you might have a theory about the floss things, SDS. Why are people using them outside, and why are they leaving them everywhere? And they do it in Idaho, too?
Thanks for your assessment of my brain’s worth. Maybe I’ll put it on eBay and see what happens.
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Snoring Dog Studio
December 27, 2012
That is the biggest mystery of all! Why would you floss while walking down the street? You might as well give yourself a bath or a shave. Ablutions must NOT be made public ever.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2012
I bet you’ve been waiting all year to use the word ablutions. Cutting it pretty close there.
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Snoring Dog Studio
December 28, 2012
Yes. And now I can happily go into 2013 with a sense of real accomplishment.
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cheriedear
December 28, 2012
If not your brain, then why not documents of every thought you’ve ever had since reading this post?
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bronxboy55
December 28, 2012
I’m not organized enough to supply documents, or even files. The brain is easier, and there’s less chance I’ll lose it.
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cheriedear
December 29, 2012
Well, i know i misplace my brain sometimes…as a matter of fact….Where’d it go?
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Tori Nelson
December 28, 2012
The Lingering Childhood Questions pretty much take up a solid 52% of my brain. I still don’t know if my face will get stuck that way, if I’ll shoot my eye out, if not finishing my dinner is directly responsible for a starving child in Africa. So many mysteries!
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bronxboy55
December 28, 2012
I bought that one about the face getting stuck, too, Tori. It wasn’t easy to believe, but also wasn’t worth the risk.
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Christiana Pilgrim
December 28, 2012
I have a friend from college whose whole family are movie buffs; one of their favorite pastimes is trying to get through dinner conversation without ever actually saying anything original. It’s kind of fascinating to see what movies they connect together!
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bronxboy55
December 28, 2012
It’s fun, Christiana. The problem with being known for quoting movies is that when you come out with something original, someone will say, “What’s that from?” And when you tell them you made it up, they’ll say, “No, really, what’s that from?”
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Marusia
December 29, 2012
Dear Charles,
For 2013, I hope you have many reasons to smile (like the guys on the income tax software boxes…) 😉
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2012
Thank you, Marusia. Merry Christmas to you, and Happy New Year.
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Val
December 29, 2012
The songs that won’t stop playing in your head came over to mine after I read this post… and I wrote a post about it myself (though not after reading your post, that would have been time travel, and I’ve not mastered that one yet.)
I had an aunt who once told me that I mustn't point to the sky in case god got cross. I mean – what?? I'm still trying to figure that one out.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2012
There are a lot of posts of yours that I missed, Val. I’ll need to correct that soon. Meanwhile, I hope you’re doing well, and Happy New Year.
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Val
December 30, 2012
Thanks you, and a happy new year to you and your family, Charles.
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Mdoodle
December 31, 2012
I have never laughed so much in my life! The part about your daughter especially. I always have to make up those kind of stories when I babysit. I also have to pretend to give them one thing while I’m really giving them another. The life of games and trickery… and the list goes on.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2012
Pretending “to give them one thing while really giving them another” — that’s what a lot of professional salespeople do. I guess it works, even on adults.
Thanks for the kind words, Mdoodle.
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dearrosie
December 31, 2012
Bravo Charles. I also don’t know how you do it. Imagine if we could all line up for a slice of your brain on our tongues – it would have to be sliced so thin that it would melt like a Communion wafer …
My kids are a similar generation to yours. They had the tape “Wee Sing Silly Songs” – I spent many hours listening to those silly songs …
I read Val’s post about the songs that stick in your head – she called them “ear worms”.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2013
Ear worms and brain communion wafers. I’m sure to have nightmares about at least one of them. Thanks a lot, Rosie.
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JSD
January 3, 2013
Oh, the scientists will be learning so much from you. And I’ve got a double CD set of those irritating children’s songs that I’d be glad to send you for your daughter. You probably scarred her for life when you tossed them. 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2013
Actually, my daughter is twenty-seven now and married. I’ve mentioned the videos to her several times and she doesn’t seem to remember them, so I think I was the one who was scarred. But maybe I can let you know when she has kids of her own and you could send me the CDs then?
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Michelle Gillies
January 3, 2013
The unanswered questions of a lifetime. I have a very long list. Who wouldn’t donate their brain if they thought they’d get some answers? Of course I would want to know the answer before my brain was on a plate.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2013
My list is long, too, Michelle, and getting longer all the time. It’s starting to look as though most of the loose ends will remain that way.
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Patti Kuche
January 4, 2013
I can’t work out why I know every word and vocal nuance to Donny Osmond’s Puppy Love when I was never ever a fan of his. In fact, I feel betrayed by my sub-conscious, wondering why the periodic table and other more fundamentals of knowledge never stuck as well as they should have. I fear my brain is a treasure trove of ultimate trash.
Happy New Year Charles and thank you for stirring my porridge brain!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2013
Thanks for the comment, Patti. But if I spend the rest of the day trying to flee from Puppy Love, I’m going to have bad thoughts about you.
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hipmamamedia
January 5, 2013
Happy New Year’s, Charles! Or is it Happy New Year? 🙂 Let us not forget about “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” every child’s nightmare on a bus riding to summer camp!
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bronxboy55
January 9, 2013
I never went to camp, Maria, but I remember hearing people singing that song on a school bus, on the way to see the musical Grease onstage in New Jersey. Now why do I remember that?
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Bruce
January 13, 2013
Great stuff as usual Charles. I really like the bit about the floss stick and flattened sock. I know seeing them together (or nearby to each other) would have made me wonder about certain possibilities. Having noticed Amiable Amiable though, mentioning flossed toes, I’m not so worried about my own imagination, just the owner of the toes needing flossing.
I’m sure I’d have a great laugh at the dinner table though if I heard ‘keep the change, you filthy animal’. It’s still making me laugh. Bruce
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2013
I see all kinds of strange things when I’m out in public, Bruce. I wonder if you’ve ever written anything on that subject. If so, please let me know, because I’d like to read it.
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lostnchina
January 22, 2013
“Who was the Lazy Susan named after, and was that the major accomplishment of her life?” — Answer: The Lazy Susan is named after a Chinese woman named “Chew On Dis ‘n Dat “, whose greatest accomplishment was to read this post without falling out of her chair with laughter.
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bronxboy55
January 28, 2013
You, lazy? I don’t believe it.
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raeme67
February 23, 2013
Barney , the big purple dinosaur ,still haunts my dreams! Laughing hysterically and singing “I Love you, You Love me”
Great post! I love your writing style!
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2013
If that song gets stuck in my head today, I’m going to be really mad at you.
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raeme67
February 24, 2013
Well I’m so, sorry!
“…Were a happy family…”
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