Have you seen this ad? The intended impression is that the man in the picture has come up with some revolutionary method for learning a foreign language quickly. As a result, we’re supposed to imagine that linguistics teachers are losing their jobs left and right, forced to sit idly by while the streets suddenly teem with people speaking fluent Lithuanian and Zulu. But, no. The truth is, he’s just an obnoxious guy, and everyone hates him – even his wife and kids. I see his face about four hundred times a day, so that although I’ve never met the man, I now hate him too, which is the true magic of the Internet.
Speaking of languages, I hope you’re aware that the country of Bulgaria doesn’t really exist. There are millions of lost souls wandering around Europe and using some peculiar language they believe is Bulgarian. These poor, deranged individuals appear to be under some sort of spell, like mass hypnosis. Their diet consists entirely of shashlik and shopska and other foods filled with far too many consonants, and this may help to explain why their speech is mostly gibberish.
Toothpaste has an expiration date. Did you know that? Check the tube, down at the very bottom edge. We’re tempted to stock up when the price is right, but that may not be such a good idea. I’m not sure what happens after that date, but maybe fluoride eventually turns into sugar. I’ve always suspected that candy canes were made from old toothpaste. Shampoo also expires, although that information is even harder to find. But if you’ve been wondering why your teeth and hair are falling out, now you know.
* * * * *
Unlike any other product I can think of, gas prices are precise down to one-tenth of a penny. You might pull up to a pump today and see that regular unleaded is $3.70 and 9/10. There may be a rational explanation for the fraction, but I can’t fathom what it could be. All I know is, if you try to buy one gallon of gas with a five-dollar bill, you will not receive the correct change. And trust me, there’s no sense arguing with the guy at the register, because he’ll just look at you as though you’re the one with issues.
Cryonics is the practice of cooling a deceased body and storing it in a steel canister until science has figured out how to both cure what killed the person and revive them from death. To date, fewer than three hundred people have been cryonically preserved. This low number is due to several factors, including cost; the current price for whole-body preservation is $200,000. Keep in mind, however, that if you go over a cliff while skiing down a glacier and come in already frozen, you’re eligible for a significant discount. A less expensive option is to have only your head put into cold storage, a technique based on the premise that someday we’ll be able to use DNA to regenerate a body. And I know what you’re thinking, but no, if you die at Dairy Queen from complications following brain freeze, there’s no real savings — just fewer forms to fill out. Actually, I’ve considered cryonics as a personal choice, but at the moment am still leaning toward creamation.
* * * * *
If you call a company and ask to speak to the Head Honcho, you won’t get past the receptionist, because that title is completely fictitious. You can determine this for yourself, as I have. Just look around and try to find some regular or even mid-level honchos. You’ll soon realize that there aren’t any. It stands to reason that in order for someone to be the Head Anything, there must be at least one underling, but in the case of honchos, there are none to be found.
* * * * *
Daylight Saving Time is another scam. Having to remember to set all of your timepieces back an hour every six months, then ahead an hour six months later, is a waste of valuable energy. It also causes a lot of unnecessary stress, because there’s always one strange clock in the house that defies any kind of manipulation: it has no visible dials, and just a single button that, when pressed, causes different digits to flash. When pressed again, the time stops flashing but goes right back to where it was when you started fidgeting with the thing. My solution is simple yet elegant, and has saved me a great deal of frustration. In the first year of the decade, I set my clocks back ten hours. Then, in the first year of the following decade, I set the clocks ahead ten hours. That way I only have to worry about changing the time once every ten years. There are a few minor drawbacks to this method, of course. For one, I usually eat lunch in the dark. For another, my dentist never seems to be available. But all in all, I’m pretty satisfied with the system.
You hear a lot of claims that “there are two kinds of people in the world.” This usually turns out to be an amusing joke that reflects the speaker’s lack of math skills, or reveals some clever play on words. But I’ve worked past the humor and have done some serious research. Along the way, I’ve discovered that there are actually 467 kinds of people in the world. But space is limited, so that’s all I can tell you.
* * * * *
It isn’t your imagination: Dr. Oz really is everywhere. Last week I spotted him at the car wash, and this morning I found him hiding in my coat closet.
* * * * *
Recent studies have shown that animals can read. And not just apes and chimpanzees – all mammals demonstrate a deep appreciation for the written word. Cows and sheep seem to like keeping up with current events, bears show an especially keen aptitude for literature, and cats and dogs love murder mysteries. This explains why our pets insist on bothering us the minute we sit down with a book. It’s why animals grazing in the field are out before the sun comes up – they’re waiting for the morning newspaper. And if you’re camping in the woods and attempt to read a cheap romance novel to a wild bear, he’ll probably eat you.
By the way, if you’re one of those annoying people who finds great enjoyment in spotting a typo – sorry, but I meant creamation. After death, I’m going to be immersed in a large container of heavy cream, to be revived only after medicine has solved the cholesterol problem, and decided once and for all whether dairy products are bad for us. With any luck, I’ll die at Dairy Queen, and there will be a discount.
brianhmoll
November 15, 2012
Nobody actually wants to die at a Dairy Queen. They have that burger assembly sign in every one of their stores, but they don’t have a graphic that tells the employees how to dispose of a dead body. Sonic on the other hand…will find a way to turn you into a 44 oz limeade. Flesh-Berry Breeze Limeade Chiller
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
I’ve never noticed the burger assembly sign, but I have seen the hand-washing instructions in the men’s room. I would think they’d screen potential employees for water-and-soap skills during the job interview, so maybe you’re onto something there. But I don’t live anywhere near a Sonic.
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Anonymous
November 15, 2012
I saw the purposeful misspelling right away, and got the pun immediately.
I love your droll sense of humor. It’s the best sort…stuff that makes you laugh without having to explain, or filter out the sex, or ignore the cuss words.
I saw that ad in the paper the other day. It would be interesting to find out what his ‘trick’ is. I bet it involves imbibing enough alcohol to the point where you slur your words and forget your name, whereupon you are awarded a degree in advanced Urdu. So who cares if you really wanted to learn Farsi?
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
I’ve seen other ads that use the same approach to sell different products: the idea that someone has discovered the secret to a faster, easier, better something, and now all the experts are upset about it. I guess it’s an effective message, but in this case the guy in the ad looks like a surgeon from the 1800s. If he’s so smart, why didn’t he use a better picture of himself?
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shoreacres
November 15, 2012
You know you’ve been a regular reader here for a long danged time when you read “creamation” and KNOW it isn’t a typo!
Other random thoughts: (1) I hate that guy, too, but I’m still afraid to click the link. (2) Who’s Dr. Oz? Does he follow a yellow brick road? (3) You need to check your toothpaste to see if it’s made in China, too. There are more than knock-off purses out there. China likes to add diethylene glycol, which happens to be poisonous. Whether it might be a plot, I can’t say.
(4) My kitchen clock will be exactly one hour off for a few months now. It just seems like too much trouble to climb up there and change it.
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
(1) I’m going to click the link today, just to see what happens. I’ll let you know, and I’ll try not to stray into some mysterious foreign tongue. (2) Dr. Oz has a television show that he uses to dispense all kinds of absolute advice. He’s sure about everything, and I think I may hate him more than I hate the guy in the ad. He’s also on every magazine cover at the grocery store, and seems to be competing with Jennifer Aniston for the title of Most Ubiquitous Face. (3) I understand China’s desire to be an economic superpower. I just don’t get the part of their strategy that includes poisoning the customers. (4) That reminds me of when we used to have to go into the kitchen or the bedroom to see what time it was. Now we have so many clocks in our homes, but they all seem to be just a little off — especially the ones that run on batteries — so that we’re never really sure which clock is right. Our high school was like that.
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Christiana Pilgrim
November 16, 2012
As both an editor and the niece of a notorious punster, I recognized and appreciated your creamation plans right away. Also, one of my good friends is from Bulgaria, so the knowledge that her country doesn’t exist should be an interesting conversation to have. I look forward to it.
I generally tend to leave at least one clock unchanged, mostly because my stove clock is much smarter than I am and the buttons are sticky. This way, I pretend that my kitchen is in a different time zone, which makes it much more acceptable when I don’t get around to eating dinner until nearly midnight according to the living room.
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
Some places in the US don’t adjust their clocks, and I always wonder if there are neighbors living in different time zones. Your approach takes that a step further.
When you talk to your friend about Bulgaria, please be gentle. It will no doubt be difficult for her to hear what you have to say, and she may refuse to believe it.
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bronxboy55
November 25, 2012
This reply is from Rosie (Wondering Rose): Linda to answer your question re Dr Oz: he’s a Heart Surgeon who became famous after appearing on the Oprah Show, and like Dr Phil before him who was also made famous by Oprah, he’s now got his own show.
My Mom who called Dr Oz “my doctor”, loved the show. I’d watch it when I visited her. Not my cup of tea…
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Diane Henders
November 15, 2012
You’ve just helped me define a new goal for myself. I want to die at Dairy Queen. After I finish my ice cream. 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
Of course, after. That goes without saying.
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
November 15, 2012
I hadn’t seen that guy, but I did stumble upon the ad for learning foreign languages in 10 days. I was intrigued because I am a linguist and have studied several foreign languages using various methods. I purchased the trial in French, and I have to say, it’s very good.
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
I just did some checking and apparently a lot of people have been ripped off by the company connected with that ad. The offer is for four CDs for ten dollars, including free shipping, so right away it seems shady. The complaints are centered around the company’s practice of continually charging customers for more and more lessons, even if those lessons weren’t ordered. From what I’ve read, they’re also not responsive to complaints and their refund policy is questionable. I can’t say I’m surprised. They’re obviously spending a fortune on advertising, so the ten-dollar price doesn’t make sense. I’m glad your experience was better, Margaret.
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Knight of Uber (@AllanDouglasDgn)
November 15, 2012
I have often wondered who gets to keep the 1/10th of a cent that we get ripped off by on each gallon of gasoline. Of course, the gas pumps may be aggregating those tenths of a cent so if I buy ten gallons it actually comes out even and correct. Now I have to go find my last receipt and check that out. One more thing to put on my To Do list for the day: thanks!
Creamated? Would that Be Philadelphia brand or heavy-whole milk?
My biggest problem with Daylight Savings Time is that dogs don’t believe in it. My clock may say it’s 4:00, but my dog is poking his nose in my face saying, “You overslept, get up it’s 5:00 and time for me to go out.” And if I refuse, he boots up my laptop and starts inducing spelling errors into my scheduled blog posts.
AHHH… you cut me off at the pass. (creamation) And here I thought I was being clever. Should have known I couldn’t get one over on YOU!
Thanks for the smiles, Charles!
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bronxboy55
November 16, 2012
Cats don’t believe in the time changes either, Allan, even when you explain it to them. Maybe they recognize that I don’t understand it myself. It’s often said that animals can sense ignorance.
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icedteawithlemon
November 15, 2012
Yep, I knew that “typo” was intentional–nice try. I never change the clock in my car for Daylight Savings Time; my reasoning is it’s easier just to mentally subtract or add an hour than it is to find the manual, read the manual, understand the manual and then punch the appropriate buttons in the appropriate sequence. And if there are 467 types of people in this world, I’m pretty sure that on any given day I am at least 10 of them–sometimes in rapid succession and sometimes in overlapping madness–because that’s how I roll. All ten of me needed a good laugh today; thank you for supplying it.
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
Something I’ve noticed about car manuals is that they have about nine thousand pages, but whenever I look for something in the index, it isn’t there. I sometimes notice a new light on the dashboard because I’ve inadvertently pressed a button somewhere, but have no idea what the light means or how I turned it on.
Really? You knew about the typo?
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Jennie Upside Down
November 15, 2012
I always thought the hated language guy was a virus.. I hate daylight savings. Here we curse Governor Mitch Daniels for only infecting such a small portion of the state. People who live locally struggle with time zones and satelites that constantly change the time on their cell phones. I admit that it currently freaks me out in the morning because it’s so light out and then in the evening when it’s so dark that you think it must be 9pm but it’s really only 6. It’s a terrible mind game.
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
I’ve been having that sense experience, Jennie — it’s 7:30 and it feels like 10 o’clock. I guess it happens every year, and the feeling eventually fades away.
I don’t think the language guy is a virus, but I’d be careful about buying anything from that company. It’s one of those offers that sounds too good to be true, and has caused a lot of people to feel cheated.
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Jennie Upside Down
November 17, 2012
He doesn’t look trustworthy in his photograph.
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Ruth Rainwater
November 15, 2012
Love this post! Just what I needed after a long day at work!
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
I’m glad, Ruth. Thanks for the nice feedback.
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Judy Berman
November 15, 2012
While you think it’ll be dreamy in your afterlife at the creamatorium, I’m looking forward to having my final debut a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Stand me in the corner with a drink in my hand. I’d also like a ticker tape parade. My hubby might be working on this as we speak. 😆
Funny post, Charles. I love your random thoughts and how your mind zigs and zags.
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
You may think my mind zigs and zags, Judy, but I’ve never even considered a ticker tape parade. Would you have some kind of mechanical arm that waves to the crowd?
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1of10boyz
November 16, 2012
Great job again. Reminds me of a few things I still like about China: 1) No Daylight Savings time – of course the whole country in one time zone is a drag. 2) Expired US branded toothpaste is still better and safer than trying the local brands. 3) Cream is canned or UHT and sits on the shelf without refrigeration so creamation is a room-temperature proposition.
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strokevictor
November 16, 2012
Great humor. Thanks.
P.S. I was only able to identify 397 of the different kinds of people. But I was rounding down…
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
Don’t forget your immediate family, and your next-door neighbors. And that cashier at the supermarket, the one who puts the bag of potatoes on top of the cupcakes. And your ninth-grade English teacher.
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hemadamani
November 16, 2012
Loved the post ….. again …great fun!!
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
Thank you, Hema. I’m glad you liked it.
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Barbara Rodgers
November 16, 2012
So I am not the only one who thinks that candy canes taste like old toothpaste!
Daylight Saving Time is such a nuisance – especially for people who work at home, connected by the internet and trying to coordinate meetings and projects with co-workers from all over the world.
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
Another reason to be glad we don’t live in Russia. They have nine time zones — and they used to have eleven. I think they recently stopped using Daylight Saving Time, though.
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Lady from Manila
November 16, 2012
A delightful post that makes me ponder and want to ask a few questions.
Does that mean there’s no “Miss Bulgaria” in a Miss Universe pageant?
The term “Cryonics” sounds awkward for such a morbid process, don’t you think? No different from refrigerating dead bodies. I wonder what happens in case of a major power failure. Not good, I guess.
I also really like that thing about ‘reading mammals’. One day I might have to compel my darling cat to narrate an Agatha Christie classic to me.
And, Charles, I’d pick Dr. Oz over Jennifer Aniston anytime. I certainly won’t mind finding him in my coat closet, too. 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 17, 2012
I’m still trying to understand why there’s a Miss World and a Miss Universe. I believe both pageants have representatives from Bulgaria, but I can’t explain why, exactly.
“Cryonics” does sound as though there’s a lot of screaming and wailing going on in those tanks, although there’s probably a lot less than we imagine. They must have the power failure situation figured out, but what happens if the company closes for good? It could be a while before they discover how to bring people back from the dead, and sometimes children and grandchildren just aren’t interested in keeping the family business going.
Good luck with the cat. And if I see Dr. Oz again, I’ll send him right over.
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Lady from Manila
November 17, 2012
Well I’m telling you now, No Way would I want to inherit such a creepy business if I were one of the heirs. 🙂 And listen, Cryonics (with all the screaming and wailing) also actually sounds like a cross between Crayola and Bionics. Really strange, huh.
Bronxboy, I’d rather you send someone here who looks and thinks exactly like you.
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
You’re right — the word cryonics sounds like robotic crayons. And it does seem quite possible that there won’t be anyone around in the future who wants to keep the business going. We could be floating in those tanks one day, and part of an eBay auction the next.
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Stacie Chadwick
November 16, 2012
I’m kind of weird about expiration dates on food products. I like to play a game with myself where I push the consumption date further and further past the “sell by” date just to see what will happen.
Clearly I need a job.
Thanks, once again, for making me smile, Charles.
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
I have to think that companies are pretty conservative with those expiration dates, Stacie, mainly because they want to avoid lawsuits. Most products are fine well after the date, especially if they haven’t been opened yet. But please be careful anyway.
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rangewriter
November 16, 2012
Oh lord, I just found ANOTHER clock that I’d forgotten to turn back. Eventually, you know, all our clocks will do that automatically just like my phone and laptop. Won’t that be a relief. We’ll always know the correct time. Speaking of time…I just discovered that my time is exactly 12 hours different than India’s time. Amazing! BTW, as if I hadn’t connected enough unrelated thoughts into one paragraph, nice Foreword in Priya’s book! I can’t wait to get past the foreword and into her gems of wisdom.
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
I just ordered a copy of Priya’s book, too. I had the chance to read it online, but still, there’s nothing like holding a book in your hands, especially one written by a friend.
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rangewriter
November 19, 2012
So true! It’s on my nightstand now, will keep me company and thinking for some time.
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dearrosie
November 25, 2012
I second rangewriter’s comment re your very nice Foreword in Priya’s lovely book. 🙂
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Val
November 16, 2012
Y’know, if I could ski, I’d definitely bear this in mind: “if you go over a cliff while skiing down a glacier and come in already frozen, you’re eligible for a significant discount.”
And you can consider yourself shared on Facebook. Well, your post anyway. 😉
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
Thanks, Val. I’m not on Facebook anymore, so I appreciate your spreading the word a bit.
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Priya Dubey Sah
November 17, 2012
Do they cut the head to freeze it?! What happens to the rest of the body? Oh Lord. I might have to lean towards creamation, too. And no, I am not an annoying person.
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
The premise seems to be that the deceased person will be kept in this low temperature state for decades, and maybe even centuries. Eventually, science will be advanced enough to reanimate the brain and grow a new, disease-free body. But even if it happens that way, the trial-and-error period is going to be a nightmare — don’t you think?
No, you’re not annoying. But you do pop open a bottle of champagne every time I misspell a word. You know you do.
Congratulations on your book:
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Anonymous
November 17, 2012
It’s a shame that toothpaste doesn’t age well and give you a nice little buzz after its expiration date. Think how much that would do for dental hygiene. As far as the daylight savings time thing, it’s all just so silly. Though they say the way to remember which way to turn the hand is “Spring forward, Fall back,” that has never worked for me. I have rarely sprung forward – but I have often fallen forward.
Hilarious post, Charles!
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
That reminds me of something our ninth-grade biology teacher told us. She said that the xylem cells inside a tree take nutrients up to the leaves, while phloem cells take them down toward the roots. She said to just remember, “Xylem up and phloem down!” I thought it was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard, and that it wouldn’t help at all. Now, more than forty years later, I can still keep them straight. I can even hear her saying it in my mind. But the clock thing gives me trouble, too, and for the same reason you mentioned — when I fall, it’s usually forward.
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Michelle Gillies
November 17, 2012
Does anyone else think that language guys ad looks like a “Wanted” poster? Why is it everywhere? I bet we could all chip in and come up with a reward to get him off our internet.
Whew … thanks, I’ve been dying to get that out there.
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bronxboy55
November 18, 2012
That’s exactly what it looks like, Michelle. But I just did a little more research and found out that the man in the picture is Dr. Paul Pimsleur, a serious scholar who did a lot of work on languages and how people learn them. He died in 1976, so we should probably try to separate him from the crass advertisements we’re all being bombarded with. Also, he grew up in the Bronx, and he gets bonus points for that.
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Betty Londergan
November 17, 2012
I KNEW it! I have never known you to make a grammatical or spelling error in the three years I’ve been delighting in your blog, so I couldn’t believe my eyes. But then — I realized you had to mean it. (And I’m similarly annoyed by the 20 year old blonde with a headline about somebody hating her — just the most hackneyed headline!) But isn’t it interesting that our internet providers have decided you’re in the market for language learning and I’m in the market for anti-aging creams. Sigh…..
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bronxboy55
November 19, 2012
Maybe we could trade places for a while, Betty, because I’m starting to see that language ad in my sleep.
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susielindau
November 17, 2012
Don’t worry, expiration dates are way over-rated unless you are looking at a pound of hamburger. I don’t mess with any meat that is over a week old… 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 19, 2012
Speaking of over-rated expiration dates, I just read EOS’s post about the alleged shutting down of Hostess and the loss of Twinkies. Luckily, I still have several packs that I bought five or six years ago.
http://earthoceanskyredux.com/2012/11/16/twinkie-twinkie-little-star-how-i-wonder-where-you-are/
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Damyanti
November 18, 2012
I always wanted to die in my sleep, but now I think I’ll add die in cream to my wish list. 🙂
And daylight saving time is the worst invention made by man. Every time I speak to folks in Europe and US I’m annoyed by how the time difference between us keeps changing. Now I’ve figured the cities into the world clock of my iPhone, and let the phone worry about calculating the differences!
Hope you’ve been doing well Charles, I know I owe you an email or two. Sorry to have disappeared.
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bronxboy55
November 19, 2012
I don’t know if DST is the worst invention, but it’s in the top three. What about speed bumps? Do you have those on your side of the world? And then there’s that spray-on fake hair for people with bald spots. It’s hard to believe, but that stuff is still around.
Good to hear from you, D. No apologies necessary, ever.
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Damyanti
November 19, 2012
I have three speed bumps in my street. Weekends are when the elderly taxi drivers (think 70-72) are allowed on the streets, and they invariably drive like race car enthusiasts and miss the bumps. After getting my already bad back a few times, I have taken to reminding them of the speed bumps.
Singaporeans are very advanced in the matter of hair and balding (or anything cosmetic!) — men regularly go to clinics to get hair planted on their scalps, if they can afford it — a new head of hair could set you back by 2000 USD 🙂 .
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Amiable Amiable
November 20, 2012
Now that I know animals can read, I realize I’ve lost out on hours and hours – maybe days or months, cumulatively – of sleep because I didn’t leave this note on the bedroom door for the dogs in my life: “Don’t wake me up at 5am. I’ll take you for a walk when I get up, not when you get up.”
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bronxboy55
November 20, 2012
It wouldn’t have helped, AA. Translated into Dog, that note says, “Bark louder. Whimper repeatedly. And please run around and make that scratching sound on the floor.”
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writingfeemail
November 20, 2012
But, if it happens at Daylight Savings Time, maybe you could fall back an hour and not be dead at all. Right?
DST is my personal pet peeve. I bitterly complain about it twice a year. What’s the point? If time could be saved, Jim Croce wouldn’t be dead either.
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bronxboy55
November 23, 2012
I once tried saving time in a bottle, Renee, but I forgot to tighten the cap and it all leaked out.
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KL
November 20, 2012
We love daylight savings here in OZ . Well, the city folk do anyway. The farmers are another matter… apparently daylight savings confuses the cows… I personally can’t imagine how the Australian farmers can afford to give all their cows watches, but hey what do I know? 🙂 Yes, Dr OZ is here too. I am a clock changer myself. We have five between the house and car, and I can be found on the morning of the first day of daylight savings up on chairs changing their batteries and fixing the time to the correct time. My husband and son don’t understand it, but I think that’s because they never know what day or time it is and always ask me! If I tell them the wrong time I get blamed for whatever they have missed or been late for!
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bronxboy55
November 23, 2012
So you’re the keeper of the time in your family, KL. There’s no more powerful role. But be careful up on those chairs.
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dearrosie
November 25, 2012
I love DST because I love the extra daylight hours in the summer.
Good lord Charles, I didn’t know that the expiry date was stamped on toothpaste. I just spent half an hour checking all the tubes in the bathroom – they all have the date stamped there. Why didn’t I ever think to look there before?
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bronxboy55
November 29, 2012
I don’t know, Rosie. I never thought to look, either, until someone told me. About DST — if you’re going to spend those extra daylight hours outside, you might want to check the expiration date on your sunscreen.
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Christiana Pilgrim
November 30, 2012
By the by, I totally blame you for my noticing when I was visiting my mother for Thanksgiving that the toothpaste she keeps in her guest bathroom medicine cabinet was expired (by a lot). I cracked up, and she thought I’d lost it.
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bronxboy55
December 2, 2012
The reason for my comment to Rosie was that I’m always finding bottles of sunscreen that expired four or five years ago. And I wonder, every time — Would it really not work?
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