The flight to Mars should take about six months, but depending on how the planets are lined up, it could take seven or eight. When you consider how much planning will be involved, that’s a pretty cloudy estimate. It sounds a little like the response you get from a teenager who’s fleeing the house:
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
“When will you be back?”
“In a few hours. Or maybe the end of October. Or whatever.”
Clearly, we’re not used to such extended trips. Six-month excursions are rare in history. I think that’s because the unknown regions of the globe were widely imagined to be inhabited by sea monsters, giants, and people selling home security systems. Also, the longer we’re gone, the more newspapers we find piled up around the front door, and the more likely we’ll discover something in the refrigerator that shouldn’t have been left there.
Lewis and Clark’s expedition into the northwestern corner of the United States lasted more than two years, but they walked much of the way and for the most part had no idea where they were going. On the other hand, their destination — the Pacific Ocean — was sitting relatively still, while Mars orbits the sun at an average speed of fifty-four thousand miles an hour. The Earth moves even faster than that. Someone will have to do the calculations, but it won’t be me, because I’ll forget to carry the one and end up in the asteroid belt. And believe me, that is not where you want to be, especially if you’re alone and planning to arrive in the middle of the night.
Friends have asked how I’ll deal with boredom during the journey to Mars. That isn’t what I’m worried about. I have plenty of reading to catch up on; I could take a bus to Neptune and still wouldn’t get to all of the books I’ve bought. Plus, I really like looking out the window. What troubles me is the possibility of getting a bad toothache two weeks into a six-month flight. Then what? I hadn’t considered it before, but I guess we’ll have to include a dentist in the crew. Which leads to the next logical question: What if the dentist dies shortly after launch, and then I get a toothache? Do we add a second dentist? The ship is beginning to get crowded, and one of the goals of this trip was having a chance to be alone, at least some of the time. Traveling to Mars with two dentists might prove difficult, especially if they insist on teaching me proper brushing techniques. I’ll need a therapist to help with moments of irritability and depression. Again, following this line of reasoning to its obvious conclusion: What if the therapist dies, and then I start to feel irritable and depressed?
Once on the surface of Mars, there will be additional discomforts to overcome. For example, the average temperature there is minus eighty-one degrees. When I first learned this, I checked to see whether that was in Celsius or Fahrenheit, because I wanted to know exactly how many seconds it would take for my blood to freeze and my eyes to fall out. In December 1804, while in North Dakota, Lewis and Clark recorded weather conditions in their journal:
“The murkery this morning stood at 40° below 0 which is 72° below freesing point.”
I realize these guys were brave explorers who didn’t have the advantages of space-age materials to protect them from the elements. Secretly, though, I think they were wimps. For sure, they couldn’t spell to save their lives.
A few scientists worry about finding enough drinking water on Mars. There’s ice at the poles, but everywhere else things look pretty dry. I’m not concerned. I plan to take a tent and some camping equipment with me, which should guarantee plenty of rain. It will also attract any insects that may be within flying or crawling range, so I can pretend I’m at the beach or relaxing in my room at a fancy Caribbean hotel.
Will I encounter other wildlife? It’s very likely. This is just a theory, but I suspect those craters on Mars were formed not by the impact of falling comets, but rather by burrowing creatures similar to prairie dogs or rabbits. I admit the theory isn’t flawless. One problem is that the largest crater is five thousand miles across. That’s a big rabbit. What are these animals eating? Then I recalled the strange fruits I’ve noticed at the supermarket — some of them almost have to be from another planet. But if these plants come from Mars, where are they growing? The landscape appears to be barren. The only rational explanation is that there must be underground trees. Is that possible?
Such questions will surely lead to a few answers, and even more intriguing questions. Who knows what mysteries await? Humans will eventually colonize our neighbor in space. We’ll figure out how to create a breathable atmosphere, tap into the water supply, and grow our own food. We may even decide that the Red Planet really is red, after all.
Meanwhile, there’s a lot to do, many details to be worked out. I eagerly anticipate my mission, much as Lewis and Clark anticipated theirs. Mostly, I look forward to the response I yell back to my teenage son as I’m fleeing the house:
“Where are you going, Dad?”
“Mars.”
“When will you be back?”
“In twelve months. Or maybe three years. Or whatever.”
ComplexSymmetry
May 18, 2012
This is absolutely brilliant.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Thanks, CS. I appreciate the exaggeration.
LikeLike
ComplexSymmetry
May 21, 2012
I appreciate your self-deprecating response 🙂
LikeLike
buckwheatsrisk
May 18, 2012
reading your posts always make me laugh out loud…i think it would be really interesting to be inside your mind for a while…i guess in a sense, i was reading this…ha!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
I think it would be scary. Actually, it would be frightening to be inside anyone’s mind, wouldn’t it? We’re comfortable only with our own weirdness.
LikeLike
buckwheatsrisk
May 21, 2012
quite true!
LikeLike
Betty Londergan
May 18, 2012
I heard about the new Space X company today on NPR — they’re eventually planning on taking people to places like YOUR Red Planet and I laughed out loud, just thinking of how much you’d have loved to hear it. Always a joy to hear from the inside of your brain, as buckwheat just said…
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Round-trip fare is estimated to be a half-million dollars. And if you want to watch the movie, it’s another two bucks for headphones. I guess the poverty level on Mars will be pretty low.
LikeLike
Terri O.A.
May 18, 2012
I wish you could channel Lewis and Clark and give us the funny version of their expedition. 🙂
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
That’s a good idea, Terri. Maybe I’ll do that.
LikeLike
oneenglishteacher
May 18, 2012
I’m going to take the second journey to Mars if you arrive safely back from the first. This will be mostly just to have an excuse to read books on the outgoing and return journey, so I think I’ll take chances with my teeth and leave the dentists behind. That way I can be assured of a peaceful journey of non-stop reading.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Waiting sounds smart, but I don’t think it’ll work. There’s a lot to do if we’re going to make Mars an attractive place for future visitors — a reliable ATM, decent pizza, and hot showers come to mind. So the second trip will have to be on its way before the first mission has returned. You’re probably right about the dentists, though. Books are more fun.
LikeLike
greenroomgallery
May 18, 2012
It was worth waiting for. Made me ROFL. However it occurred to me that Mars could have been my saving grace a few years ago, not to escape my teenagers but to send them there. 🙂
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Thanks, Charlotte. Your comment made me wonder if, someday, high school students will be going to Mars on class trips. I imagine it would be tough to get parents to chaperone.
LikeLike
greenroomgallery
May 22, 2012
Well, I wouldn’t volunteer………..for my grandchildren teens to come that is. 🙂
LikeLike
Jac
May 18, 2012
If you do go to Mars, will you PLEASE get a cell phone first?? In fact, get a smart phone (no, it doesn’t matter if you’re not smart) so you can post pics to Facebook. Also, you may not have to bring that dentist along because you could just Google how to do your own dental work. You could learn how to Tweet and then people could follow you on Twitter (then you can tell me how to do that, too). You will be my favorite Martian.
Wondering if the fruits are grown hydroponically when the ice melts. Don’t know if hydroponically is a real word, but you can look that up on your smart phone, too. You will have lots of time to kill….
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 19, 2012
I’ve deactivated my Facebook account, now for the third time. But doing my own wisdom tooth extractions does sound like a lot of fun.
And I thought I already was your favorite Martian.
LikeLike
magsx2
May 19, 2012
Hi,
Taking the tent is such a fantastic idea, I agree, you will definitely get lots of fresh water that is for sure.:D
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 19, 2012
Thanks, Mags, although knotrune had a better idea (see below).
LikeLike
knotrune
May 19, 2012
You could try a robot dentist and a computerised shrink 🙂 Or how about having all your teeth removed before you leave and using false ones? That should work! Think out side the box. If you want it to rain, just don’t take an umbrella, that should save space for a few more books.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 19, 2012
You’re right about the therapist: there’s no need to have someone on board, as long as some kind of contact is set up. And that’s a good idea about the teeth, too, although gingivitis is still a possibility.
LikeLike
Allan Douglas
May 19, 2012
Another great tale, Charles. I think the solution to your medical care problem would be to find a dentist with a minor in psychology and a psychologist with a minor in dentistry. But of course you will also need a podiatrist, and internist, a cardiologist, a gastroenterologist, and a manicurist. Or a med-bot. The med-bot would seem to be the ideal solution: one machine that can perform all medical functions – and can be turned off when not needed. And it won’t be eating your roast beef sandwiches. On the other hand, I don’t have a single electronic gizmo that is 100% reliable and infallible. I can’t trust the coffee maker to do it’s job unsupervised; I don’t think I ‘d ask one to take out my appendix.. Maybe a trained chimpanzee would be better.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 19, 2012
I hadn’t really given these things much thought, Allan, but now I’m really wondering how they’ll plan for medical emergencies. It’s one thing to send three guys to the Moon for a week — you make sure nobody has the flu and off they go. But a Mars mission has to last at least a year. They can’t foresee — and have backup — for every possible situation.
LikeLike
souldipper
May 19, 2012
Hello from Venus, Charles. I’m on sabbatical. Good news. You don’t need teeth out here in the far reaches! Food is downloaded in tubes and contains all the homeopathic additives needed to assure perfect health.
In case my Therapist calls, please don’t let on that you heard from me. I owe her some money and I still have to give the Venetians their promised seminar, “How to teleport faster than the Therapist’s invoice.”
Seriously, I’m enjoying my break, but just had to check up on you!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
I’m glad you’re doing well, Amy, and I hope you’re enjoying the warm weather on Venus.
LikeLike
Stacie Chadwick
May 20, 2012
Am I in serious trouble if my 11 year-old son’s favorite phrase is “or whatever”? Just curious.
=)
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Not at all, Stacie. If you have an eleven-year-old son, you’re in serious trouble no matter what.
LikeLike
Stacie Chadwick
May 21, 2012
What if there are 9 and 7 year-old girls directly following?
=p
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Dye your hair, have your fingerprints surgically altered, and get yourself into the Witness Protection Program.
LikeLike
Earth Ocean Sky Redux
May 20, 2012
Better bring cash. I’ve been told American Express isn’t accepted on Mars. Venus, yes, but not Mars. Oh, and pack silk long underwear; it works best in minus eighty-one degree climates. Send postcards often. I got word that all the Postal Service workers laid off in the States are being sent to work on Mars so the lines won’t be too long buying those forever stamps.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
Thanks for the good advice, EOS. But I’ve been reading a lot about gamma rays, so I’m planning to wear my aluminum underwear. I promise to send postcards.
LikeLike
patricemj
May 21, 2012
I love your teeth theme. Do you ever have dreams they are falling out (forgive me if you’ve covered this in a previous post). If they do start falling, you would have teeth floating all over your spaceship. Imagine the pictures!
I got a toothache on my honeymoon. It’s no day at the beach to have such pain when you’re journeying into outer space.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 21, 2012
I’ve had that dream quite a few times, Patrice. It always begins with a tinkling sound, like pieces of broken glass falling to the floor.
Sorry to hear that dental problems intruded on your honeymoon. Even a day at the beach isn’t much fun when you have a toothache.
LikeLike
patricemj
May 21, 2012
I think one of your responders had a good idea, pull them all out (if and when you go on your mission) and just give up the bite.
LikeLike
Diane Henders
May 21, 2012
Wonderful, as always, Charles, but your “products of Mars” photo was my favourite part. Those fruits really do look alien. I’m still chuckling.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 23, 2012
Thanks, Diane, but Nel (below) has corrected the error.
LikeLike
aunaqui
May 22, 2012
“I plan to take a tent and some camping equipment with me, which should guarantee plenty of rain” and “The only rational explanation is that there must be underground trees. Is that possible?”
Favorites. Also, your ending.. very funny.
I’ve missed reading your blog! College life blended with FT working life is such a drag.
Really enjoyed this post! Staying tuned..
Aun Aqui
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 23, 2012
It’s been a long time, and I’ve missed reading your blog, too. The recent post about your brother was a beautiful tribute.
http://aunaqui.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/my-brother-bobby/
LikeLike
Nel
May 23, 2012
Excellent post, BB55.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but unless Asia is in Mars, those fruits in your basket are not from another planet. The small, ‘hairy’, red ones are called rambutan (white flesh similar to lychees) in the Philippines. The larger ones are called Dragon fruit (white flesh dotted with edible ‘seeds’ that look like sesame seeds) and the yellow-green one is called star fruit (when you cut it in a cross-sectional way it’s shaped like a star) – found them here in Taiwan. I’m not familiar with the one in the middle but I’ll let you know once I find out.
My offer to accompany you to the red (errrr, orange) planet still stands. 🙂
Cheers,
Nel
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 24, 2012
Taiwan has a space program, Nel. The Philippines may have one, as well, and just haven’t bothered to tell everyone about it. So it’s still possible that those fruits are from Mars. I think we need to keep an open mind.
LikeLike
Nel
May 24, 2012
That is a good point. I’ll be sure to ask when I go back to the Philippines; as well as, look around during my travels here.
LikeLike
She's a Maineiac
May 23, 2012
I would love to go to Mars! I also really like to look out the window.
I burst out laughing at ‘I admit the theory isn’t flawless’ and ‘for sure, they couldn’t spell to save their lives’.
Question: when you write this stuff, do you have to stop a lot because you’re laughing too hard? You’re killing me here, Charles.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 24, 2012
It isn’t really funny until someone else laughs. Thanks for letting me know, Darla. I always appreciate what you have to say.
LikeLike
rangewriter
May 24, 2012
Oh no, I haven’t had that recurring teeth-falling-out dream in years. I hope you haven’t planted the seed for its reappearance with this post! Darn it.
Love the L&C & Bear cartoon. Those guys.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 25, 2012
I have that dream a couple of times a year, Linda. I hope I haven’t triggered anything — for both of us.
LikeLike
rangewriter
May 26, 2012
Fortunately I don’t have it very often anymore. I think it used to be triggered by guilt about overdue dental appointments. I haul myself in twice a year now, so never build up enough guilt to trigger that awful dream.
LikeLike
Allan Douglas
May 25, 2012
I regret to inform you, Charles, that you’ve been tagged for the “One Lovely Blog” award by some idiot over at The Simple Life Prattle. My condolences!
http://www.simplelifeprattle.com/writing-2/honored-by-the-one-lovely-blog-award/
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 28, 2012
Thanks, Allan. I’m not sure how to handle the blog awards anymore, but I still appreciate the intent.
LikeLike
Val
May 26, 2012
Ah, yes: i can haz freezeburgers. I get it. (Sort of).
And it’s not just dead dentists and therapists you’d have to worry about. What about their ghosties?
Great post as usual, Charles. 🙂
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 28, 2012
We never hear about how they’re planning to handle death on those long missions, but they have to be thinking about it. Don’t they?
LikeLike
Val
May 30, 2012
What I want to know is how they get them out of the airlock without depressurizing…
LikeLike
shamasheikh
May 26, 2012
Loved both your posts about the Red…sorry Orange planet Charles! I am in awe of the continuous stream of mind boggling ideas presented with so much humor…many thanks for them and for keeping us all laughing so hard I at least don’t have time to worry about the recurring teeth-falling dreams…except when we talk about them…like today….
God bless…
LikeLike
bronxboy55
May 28, 2012
And thank you, Shama, for always having something nice to say. It really helps to hear encouraging words.
LikeLike
Sid Dunnebacke
July 5, 2012
I read much of “The Case for Mars”, but not all 300 pages – I was early on convinced we could get there. Your piece convinced me again, and was more fun to read. And I read all of it.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
July 6, 2012
Thanks, Sid. I tried reading that book, too. In fact, I tried again before writing this post, but it gets into such minute and technical detail that the fun quickly disappears and it begins to feel like an advanced college course. Thank you for the comment.
LikeLike