I want to be the first human to go to Mars. I say this not because I think I’m the most qualified, or because I even have anything to offer a space program that’s been hovering close to death since the shuttle missions of the early eighties. Rather, it seems that no one else really wants to go, and I could use a little time away.
Right up front, I’d like to make it clear that I tried to do a lot of research for this project, because learning about a foreign environment is essential for the survival and ultimate success of an explorer. Everyone knows that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get any of the videos on NASA’s website to work, and most of the books I have about Mars were published in 1996, which wasn’t even in this century.
To make matters worse, my scientific background is limited to a botched earthworm dissection in the ninth grade and hundreds of failed attempts to see snowflakes under a microscope:
• We were supposed to expose and identify the nephridia, pairs of organs found inside each segment of the worm’s body. With about a hundred segments, an adult specimen should have two hundred nephridia. The problem is, the diagrams in a biology textbook can be misleading. They show the brain in blue, the esophagus in green, and the pharynx in red. But once you cut one of those worms open, you find out that everything in there is the same color.
• My microscope had a bright light directly beneath the stage where you placed your slide. I’d heard that there were no two snowflakes exactly alike, and I wanted to check it out for myself. But no matter how fast I moved, by the time I looked through the eyepiece and focused the lens, the light bulb had turned the snow into a small puddle of water. I even tried taking the microscope outside where, I correctly hypothesized, it would be much colder. Still, the snow either melted or blew away. Worst of all, I couldn’t wear gloves because they made it too difficult to handle the slides, and I soon felt as though several fingers were about to freeze and snap off. I lost interest and went back to reading my comic books.
Who could have predicted that I’d be here now, preparing for the role of space pioneer?
Skeptics say a voyage to Mars will take too long. It’s true that depending on where the two planets are in their orbits, Earth and Mars are sometimes very far apart — up to 250 million miles. It took us more than three days to reach the Moon, and now we’re talking about a trip that’s a thousand times longer. Will it take three thousand days? No, because sometimes Mars is just 35 million miles away. I would think that would be the best time to go. Not that I’m an expert on efficiency or planning. I can’t seem to pick the right line at the grocery store. Without fail, I choose the cashier who’s either slipped into a hypnotic trance or needs to change her receipt paper, open up a roll of quarters, and call someone to ask if the Lucky Charms are still on sale. Meanwhile, the other lines are suddenly moving at the speed of sound, the customers rushing past in a blur, something like those little canisters that used to zip through pneumatic tubes at the bank. But if someone did ask for my opinion, I’d have to say that we should wait until the path to Mars is more direct. When I find a route that cuts a couple of hundred million miles off a trip, I almost always take it.
There are also critics who point to the incredible expense of sending manned rockets to the planets. Yes, it will cost billions, although if I try to add it up in my head, I can’t begin to guess why that is, unless I’m forgetting about the sales tax, which I usually do. But so what? Everything costs billions of dollars these days. If there are engineers involved, you can’t make a coffee pot for less than that. And besides, does anyone say we shouldn’t build submarines? I don’t have any idea what submarines are good for. They go down to the bottom of the ocean, swim around for a while, and then they come back up to the surface just long enough to allow the crew to go ashore and get some psychotherapy. Other than that, what exactly do they do? Yet every year, countries all over the world build more submarines at a cost of two or three billion dollars apiece. And we never give them a single thought, until a bunch of people get stuck in one, and then we all wonder, “Now what were they doing down there in the first place?”
I understand that a journey to Mars poses even greater risks than a few weeks in a submarine. The most troubling of these is the fact that the astronauts will be subjected to dangerously high levels of radiation. This threat will come from two sources: cosmic rays and solar flares. As you can see, I’ve done a great deal of research in this area, and the truth is, we aren’t sure what the effects will be. We’re familiar only with Earth-based radiation and its potential harm. We’re aware that we shouldn’t stick our heads into a microwave oven. When we go to the dentist for x-rays, we allow ourselves to be pinned to the chair by a forty-pound blanket. In the 1960s, we conducted air raid drills in school, seeking protection from nuclear annihilation by hiding under wooden desks. But again, these are local hazards. The exposure to gamma rays on the way to Mars may not be that bad. And you know what else? We might even discover that they’re good for us. That’s what happened with mold, isn’t it? You wouldn’t eat a piece of bread that’s covered with green fuzz, but at the first sign of a sinus infection you run to the doctor and ask for penicillin. And when you get a little dirt on your face, you immediately go inside and wash it off, yet people with money to burn don’t think twice about visiting an expensive spa and letting a total stranger cover them with mud.
But why go to Mars? What’s the goal? There are several. A lot, actually. Too many to explain right now, and all extremely compelling, too. For one thing, we need to determine, once and for all, what color it is. We’ve been calling it the Red Planet all these years. But it isn’t red — it’s orange. The distinction is important, and if you don’t believe me, try slicing into an earthworm and telling the difference between the cerebral ganglia and the gizzard. See what I mean? And speaking of worms, I’m pretty sure there’s life on Mars. Not just bacteria and viruses, but real creatures we’ll be able to photograph, and make up cute names for. Which will be helpful, because if I have to analyze the Martian soil with a microscope, this whole trip is going to be a big waste of time.
cat
May 10, 2012
I liked the segment about checking out snow flakes via microscope. Mars would be the place to go and check out the snow flakes there … but then again … it’s so darn cold on Mars … mmmh … now what, Menschling? Can’t wait to read Part Two … Great read, Bb 🙂
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
Now you have me wondering if it snows on Mars, and if so, what those flakes would look like. Maybe we’ll find out. Thanks, Cat.
For anyone who wants to see some wonderful poetry, photography, and typography:
http://catsruledogsdroole.blogspot.ca/
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buckwheatsrisk
May 10, 2012
yuck worms! bon voyage! 😉
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
That’s how I felt about dissection in general. Are they still doing that in high school biology classes?
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buckwheatsrisk
May 11, 2012
i wish i was young enough to know! LOL!
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charlywalker
May 12, 2012
No.
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Cathleen Barnhart
May 10, 2012
The fecundity of your mind never ceases to amaze me. You get my vote for “first blogger to go into outer space.” And I’m looking forward to Part 2!
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
I never thought about that: Has anyone blogged from space?
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Carol Deminski
May 10, 2012
This was a great science post. I think we should actually send submarines to Mars. After all floating in space is pretty much like floating in the ocean, and many oceanauts (did I make that word up – I don’t know?) liken it to being in space, just with more sharks.
And frankly, if I can’t see something with my naked eye, I’m skeptical it exists. Gamma rays, Shmama rays. We walk around on Earth every day and pretend we’re not bombarded with X Rays from Planet 9 or whereever X Rays come from (the Big Bang? Again, I’m not sure…) and various other rays. But you know what, newly mown grass is what makes me sneeze and wheeze not X rays. How bad could they be?
Finally, I think you are a viscious worm killer. Do you kiss your mother with the same mouth that says “worms look the same color on the inside?” C’mon now…
🙂
Carol
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
Carol, you’re right — we do walk around every day unaware that trillions of particles and rays are zipping right through our bodies. And we worry about cell phones, wind turbines, and artificial sweeteners.
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Carol Deminski
May 11, 2012
Wait … what? Wind turbines, cell phones and artificial sweeteners are bad?
Just kidding. I know of those three, wind turbines are terrible and cell phones and artificial sweeteners are fine. 😉
You know, on a slightly more serious note, if we had a lottery for putting a tourist in space the same way we have a lottery for winning millions of dollars – we could raise a billion dollars in about a month. Think about it – people would absolutely pay a dollar to see if they could be a space tourist. I know I would!
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bronxboy55
May 12, 2012
That is a great idea. Really.
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Carol Deminski
May 12, 2012
Aww, thanks. 🙂
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lespeter
May 13, 2012
“Oceanauts, usually referred to as divers, of one I am which, Certified by PADA Deep Water, would not compare floating in the ocean to floating in outer space, which I have not done, but have definitely floated in ‘inner’ space many times! 🙂
The point is…..floating in water requires work to achieve “neutral buoyancy”, meaning one doesn’t sink or float. In water, any movement has the resistance of the water, again, meaning one is not “free floating”. In space, (neutral gravity, no air/gas, no resistance, Given a slight PUSH, you will continue to float forward for eternity (unless ya get sucked into a gravitational pull of a cosmic body.)…..ok, Science lesson over. 😉
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simplemanhattan2010
May 10, 2012
I’m all for travel to Mars!!! And I’d love it if there were cute little creatures up there. Even better – put me in charge of naming them! I’ll think of stuff so adorable it’ll make you sick 😉
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
Okay, you have the job. Consider it a slightly late birthday present.
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simplemanhattan2010
May 11, 2012
Haha! Yay!!! That’s a pretty great belated present 😉
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John
May 10, 2012
Mmmmm….Mars Bar.
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bronxboy55
May 11, 2012
I’ll trade you two Mars Bars for a Milky Way.
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writingfeemail
May 10, 2012
John is such a hoot that reading his comment made me laugh so hard that I forgot the brilliant scientific reply I had for you. But then again, considering that my science teacher placed me with the boys from the football team – in order to help them and be a good influence – and that they completely corrupted me leading to the dissecting of worms in disk shapes that could then be thrown at the silly girls who squealed – who am I to add anything of value? I’m just impressed that you remembered all of that. Wow.
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bronxboy55
May 12, 2012
I bet those silly girls remember being pelted with worm disks, too. Some things just make an impression on us, I guess.
Thanks for the comment, Renee.
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greenroomgallery
May 10, 2012
I won’t envy your or mind you going to Mars. As long as our satellites can still deliver your blog entries on my laptop, so that I can get some kind of regular dose of mostly bright ideas (possibly this idea isn’t one of the bright ones but it sure made me laugh. Look forward to part 2.
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bronxboy55
May 12, 2012
Thank you for your encouragement, Charlotte. I hope things at the Greenroom Gallery are going well.
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Jennie Upside Down
May 10, 2012
Yuck. I can still smell the worms we disected. Bleh!
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bronxboy55
May 12, 2012
What about the frogs? I still have nightmares.
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Jennie Upside Down
May 13, 2012
When we did frogs, I think I was a freshman in highschool. I recall the smell and that there were eggs in my frog. Just gross. You could show me a photo of the inside of a frog and I would take your word for it. I am now 35 and I still have not benefitted from the dissections. One of the other classes did cats.. Which I found to be disturbing. Where did they get the cats??
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magsx2
May 10, 2012
Hi,
Wow a voyage into space and to Mars, does sound very exciting. Just make sure that the creatures don’t start pulling weird faces at the camera. I will be looking forward to Part 2, to see how it all worked out. 😀
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bronxboy55
May 12, 2012
Thanks, Mags. I knew I could count on you.
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Jac
May 10, 2012
Have a great trip – bring me back something Martian!
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
It’s pretty cold on Mars. I hope those rockets get good gas mileage.
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O. Leonard
May 10, 2012
Well, just so you know, I had the same problems with the microscope and have the same problem with check-out lines. How the hell do they take those microscopic pictures of snowflakes? I’m up for a road trip, so let me know when you get the Mars trip finalized. It’s right up there as a “mostly bright idea.”
By the way, I just remembered the only thing I remember about dissecting worms. The biology teacher told us not to touch our lips because you can transmit worm larvae to your mouth and they will immediately multiply and you’ll feel a tickle in your throat in a few days. He thought it was damn funny. We had all touched our mouths at some point in the dissection process.
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
The snowflake thing continues to confuse me. It think it was the certainty of it, that no two are alike. It would take a really long time to check every flake, especially when it’s so hard to get a decent picture of them. I’m skeptical.
I had a friend who ate the worms. He became famous at our school, for a couple of weeks.
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dearrosie
May 11, 2012
How on earth did you bring worms into a discussion of Mars? Brilliant.
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
I bet you would’ve figured out a way to bring gelato into the discussion.
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Just Outside the Box Cartoon
May 11, 2012
Don’t forget to pack your winter woollies – they say it’s cold out there
Marti
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
The average temperature is -81 F. I moved to Canada as part of my training.
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morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
May 11, 2012
Please send a postcard when you get there.
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
Now you have me wondering what Martian postal workers will be like.
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Diane Henders
May 11, 2012
Worm gizzards. I’m still giggling! And I completely agree with your take on submarines – particularly the part about the psychotherapy. I need therapy just at the thought of shutting myself into a tin can (submarine or space shuttle, take your pick).
Good luck with your Mars mission. I think you’re admirably qualified: nobody else has a sufficiently creative inquiring mind. 🙂
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
Thanks, Diane. I had been looking forward to the peace and quiet — until you threw in that phrase, tin can.
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rangewriter
May 11, 2012
Oh lordy, I’d forgotten all about those danged worm dissections.
Snowflakes? I have a book somewhere of the most exquisite photography of snowflakes. Some guy made it a life’s mission to document the beauty and variety of snowflakes. Now, where did I put that book, and what was the guy’s secret. Oh crap. I don’t remember. I wonder if brains work better or last longer on Mars?
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bronxboy55
May 14, 2012
I’ve seen similar photographs, Linda. But no one ever explains how they’re done. I wonder if there will be actual books on Mars, or just digital versions. We’ll definitely need a library.
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charlywalker
May 12, 2012
Charles……you are out of this world!
Oh..and fashion experts claim orange is the new red…..
This was great!
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
Which fashion experts have you been consulting? I heard that yellow was the new red.
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charlywalker
May 17, 2012
Yellow WAS….Orange IS……lol
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Michelle Gillies
May 12, 2012
I don’t remember the whole worm dissection thing. Perhaps it is some kind of mental block. By the way, who get’s to decide that an orange planet is going to be called the Red Planet?Shouldn’t there be some kind of colour exam to pass to see if these people are colour blind first?
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
Supposedly, skywatchers thought Mars looked like the color of blood and named it after the Roman god of war. I’ve seen Mars hundreds of times, and it never makes me think of blood. But then, I have the same problem with the constellations. I guess people had better imaginations back then.
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Betty Londergan
May 13, 2012
The part of this blog that most resonated for me (since I’ve totally blocked out all memories of dissection in PTSD therapy) is that everything now costs a billion dollars. SO true!! I was reading in the paper this morning that our 6-month training program of Iraqi police … a program that involved sending 350 retired US police officers over to Iraq … cost a half-billion dollars and accomplished virtually nothing. Maybe they could have been working on the Mars space program … or dissecting worms… or figuring out better things to do with submarines??
I’ll vote for you to get on the first flight, Charles — at least we’ll get some fun posts out of it!!
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
That’s a good example, Betty. It works out to more than a million dollars for each officer. How is that possible? They must have flown business class.
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charlywalker
May 13, 2012
Mars bars…..Milky Ways…..you two gave me the Snickers…..
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bronxboy55
May 13, 2012
Why don’t you join us, CW? We could be the Three Musketeers.
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charlywalker
May 13, 2012
Love…Set..match.
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Allan Douglas
May 13, 2012
Pssssst… hey buddy… wanna know my secret for successful shopping check-out line selection? Get in the line with the cutest cashier. That way even if you get stuck standing there for hours you’ve got something pleasant to look at,
Can’t help ya on the worms. Sorry.
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
Here’s the real mystery, Allan: I usually get on what seems to be the shortest line, yet somehow that cashier turns out to be the slowest. Shouldn’t the slowest cashier have the longest line?
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lespeter
May 13, 2012
Charles, always enjoy the stories…love the writing. Again, it’s so similar to Pat McManus from Outdoor Life of years gone by.
Just my perception….Love reading both of you.
http://www.outdoorlife.com/forums/hunting/thanks-laughs-pat
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
I’m not familiar with Pat’s writing, but I appreciate the kind words, Les.
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
May 13, 2012
Quick, the website Last Minute Travel Escapes is offering a coupon; if you leave tomorrow for Mars, you AND a companion get the return leg half price. If there IS a return flight.
Study this 1951 movie for what to pack and expect to see:
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bronxboy55
May 16, 2012
Great video, EOS. See 0:58 for proof that the Teletubbies are from Mars. I had a feeling.
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Anonymous
May 17, 2012
sorry, not sure how that ended up there.
Check him out Charles, I believe you’ll see something in the mirror. If not, I’ll bet you’ll laugh. *Always a good thing.
– Pat McManus was a featured writer for Outdoor Life for many years….many a copy sold just to read his stuff (moi, & et al ).
Check his stuff out.I believe you may be a style to follow, and of course, add to.
Artistry is great, especially when it pays the bills. 🙂
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_F._McManus
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Nel
May 23, 2012
I’ll go to Mars with you, BB55. No joke.
I’ve read that commercial space travels are feasible (and likely to cost a billion dollars); but wouldn’t it be nice if we went for free?
I’m thankful we only did frog dissections; for microbiology – cheek cells and onion skins (no snow where I’m from). I don’t think I even know what a botched earthworm is.
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bronxboy55
May 24, 2012
A botched earthworm dissection happens when you’re supposed to locate and remove a certain internal organ, but instead you accidentally cut that organ into five pieces, or remove the wrong thing altogether.
I love when they talk about space travel being feasible for everyone, and then announce the cost at a half million dollars per person. Did you see Carol’s idea (above) about the lottery? I think that could work, although it would reduce our chances of going.
Thanks, Nel. It’s always great to hear from you.
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Val
May 26, 2012
Oh no, not creatures on Mars. They’ll have a site like i can haz cheezeburger but it’ll be i can haz melted cheezeberger. Eek!
Or am I thinking of Mercury?
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bronxboy55
May 30, 2012
Mercury and Venus are both extremely hot. Mars is farther from the sun, and tends to be much colder. At least that’s what I’ve read. Still, it’s hard to know what to pack.
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Val
May 30, 2012
Pack icecream. And a small freezer. A very good freezer. One that doesn’t get melted!
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