I have no real understanding of the human nervous system, this mass of interconnected cells that I use every second of every day. For example, it baffles me that I can start talking about something, especially in response to a question, without hesitation and with no idea of what’s going to come out of my mouth. If you asked what I was doing when the Beatles first appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show in February 1964, I could tell you instantly, and in detail. I can remember exactly where I was standing eight months later when Mickey Mantle hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth inning to win game 3 of the World Series. And I can describe what the drawer full of scattered 45s looked like when my mother went rummaging through our records on the day Nat King Cole died.
But it’s more than memory. I can create visual images and conjure imagined sounds that have never existed in real life. With no effort, I can see a tap-dancing Sigmund Freud or recite the Gettysburg Address in the voice of Fred Flintstone, and I can do so as easily as I can visualize a container of Greek yogurt. At the same time, if you want to know how I’m managing to accomplish any of those things, I couldn’t tell you.
So it’s with a great deal of confusion that I lie awake at night and watch the parade of random thoughts make its way down the main street of my mind. A few, I’m sure, are the result of pure insomnia, or a combination of sleeplessness and discomfort. But how those physical conditions are converted by my neurons into mental activity, I can’t begin to explain.
* * * * *
A little before midnight on Tuesday, I found myself thinking about IQ tests. Who created the first one, and how did anyone know that person was qualified? You’d want someone with an extremely high IQ to produce a test like that, but how would you go about determining such a thing, before the measurement tool existed? Maybe he was a genius, but he could have also been just some smart guy who didn’t have anything useful to do. I have a thin paperback of IQ tests, and I got up to look for it, certain that it was on the shelf next to my collection of old reference books. For some reason I reached for the 1976 edition of The World Almanac & Book of Facts. I opened to a random page and read that lower inflation rates the previous year had accompanied the most dramatic economic decline in decades, with unemployment exceeding nine percent. I also learned that President Ford had used his veto power more than thirty times to thwart a Democratic Congress. Flipping to page 875, I noticed that Gunder Haegg of Sweden had, in 1945, come within 1.5 seconds of being the first long-distance runner to break the four-minute mile. A second and a half. I wondered if he’d sneezed in the middle of the race, and if that had cost him his place in history. Then, after what seemed to be a long time, I remembered that I’d gotten up to find the IQ book. It was on the top shelf. Again, I opened to a random page and read the first question I saw.
Which of the following is least like the others?
(a) Fish (b) Dog (c) Lion (d) Camel (e) Mouse
Easy, I thought. The answer has to be camel, because it’s the only animal of those five that has never starred in a Disney movie. Satisfied that I possessed high intelligence, I put the book back and returned to bed, tripping over the cat in the dark and cracking my knee against a doorframe on the way.
* * * * *
On Wednesday night, I recalled how methodically my oral surgeon had studied the x-rays before excavating the site of my impacted wisdom tooth. How, I suddenly asked myself, do those horrendous operating room disasters ever happen? They’re rare, but every once in a while we hear a story about a doctor who’s made a really big mistake, like amputating the left leg instead of the right, or operating on the wrong patient. I recently read about a surgeon in New Jersey who had removed a healthy lung from a man, leaving its cancerous counterpart intact and undisturbed. It seems impossible. If a person goes to the dry cleaner and is handed someone else’s suit, that’s understandable. A few years ago the telephone company inadvertently disconnected my fax line, because my number was similar to that of the customer who’d actually made the request. But a patient has only two lungs, so the decision to take out one of them is a major thing. It can only mean that the lung is in terrible shape. When they remove the better of the two, the possibility of recovery is all but eliminated. Lying in bed that night, I decided that I’m staying awake for all of my surgeries from now on.
There’s a restaurant not far from here called The House of Lam. Whenever I see the sign I imagine that it caters to escaped convicts and other people looking to elude capture. It’s often said that truck drivers know where to find the best food. It seems to me that anyone on the run from the law would know where to find the best service, because in that situation you’re not looking for a casual dining experience. You may not even have time for dessert. You want your meal in a hurry, and the check right behind it. If you hear sirens in the parking lot, you also want to know that there’s a bathroom window big enough to climb through. The House of Lam, I’m sure, is where I’d duck in for a quick bite.
* * * * *
I read a lot about science, and am frequently amazed by the depth of knowledge researchers had, centuries before the computer was invented. Physicists in the 1850s were capable of measuring the speed of light. This at a time when people made their own soap, and lit their homes with oil lamps. Henri Becquerel identified radioactivity in 1896, and a year later Joseph Thomson discovered the electron; both men likely rode horses to work. In 1909, Ernest Rutherford set up an experiment in which he fired protons at a sheet of gold leaf to determine the internal structure of atoms. He was firing protons? A hundred years ago? How did he know he was firing protons, or even where to get them? I have trouble figuring out the little diagram that shows you how to put batteries into a flashlight.
But at least I got that IQ question right.
mcgulotta
March 17, 2012
I really love your blogs. You are so witty and knowledgable. You combine humor and facts and plus you make us think how could things be with what they had. You are so descriptive and pictures just help you understand what your saying and learn something new. You are amazing person! YO&OLW
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
Thank you, Maria. I’m glad you like reading the posts, although I’m not sure there’s that much to learn from them.
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mcgulotta
March 19, 2012
I learn more about you Charles. I love your style of writing. You write with all sorts emotions example laughter, sadness, etc. LA,YO&OW,N&F
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buckwheatsrisk
March 17, 2012
ha my guess is the fish…
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
I think you could justify any of the answers, which makes the question pretty useless, doesn’t it?
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buckwheatsrisk
March 19, 2012
very true lol
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Anonymous
March 17, 2012
Absolutely wonderful, as usual. You’re like The Sun Magazine. I drop everything to read it as soon as it arrives!
I have a couple responses, just because the thoughts pop into my head as I read. First, my father was a physiological psychologist who spent a lot of his career sticking electrodes in rat’s brains, maybe trying to figure out the same thing you are. My theory on it all is that everything already exists and some of us (you in particular) are just incredible lightning-rod type conductors of all those thoughts, ideas, and even things we don’t know about yet.
Second thought was that three weeks ago I had hip replacement surgery in Costa Rica. Luckily the anestheiologist and the pre-op folks all spoke a little English and I made them write on my left hip with a big X — this is the one to operate on. It wouldn’t have been horrible if they’d done the other one, as it will need a hip replacement in another year or two, but I really wanted the worst one done first. I was lucky — they followed the written instructions!
Third, though I like your logic about Disney characters and all, and though I am someone who tries to put a square into a triangular hole, I’m still going to go with Fish. Final answer?
Yes, final answer: Fish.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
I was flattered at first by the lightning rod comparison. But then I realized that a lightning rod is someone who’s standing outside in a thunderstorm while the smart people are inside, eating popcorn and watching through the window.
Okay, I have a confession to make: I made up that question in order to avoid being hounded by copyright lawyers. The correct answer is actually Lion, because it’s the only one that eats zebra.
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Coyotemoonwatch
March 17, 2012
Oh, that was me — Ms. Anonymous up above, aka Coyotemoonwatch, Puravidapat, and a few others. Yes, final answer, Fish.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
I knew it was you. The reference to Costa Rica gave it away.
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Sandra Parsons
March 17, 2012
Well, I’d say at least you are thinking about these things which is probably more than a lot of people with an – alledgedly – higher IQ do. Plus, you write so eloquently and humorously that I think I can forgive you. For not using flashlights that can be recharged by a manual pumping or spinning mechanism and hence don’t need batteries. Don’t do it again though.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
I’ve wanted to get one of those wind-up flashlights, and a radio, too. Thanks for reminding me, Sandra, and for the nice words.
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Marie M
March 17, 2012
I’m not at all surprised that you can recite the Gettysburg Address–but I didn’t know you could impersonate Fred Flintstone. Very impressive!
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
In my mind I can impersonate anyone. That’s what I find so amazing — how do voices and sounds get stored in the brain? And we don’t just store them, but we also have the ability to manipulate them. For example, I can hear you recite the Gettysburg Address in my head, even if you don’t really know the words.
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Marie M
April 8, 2012
See? That’s a perfect example of how great your imagination is. First off, you rarely hear my voice, and second, I *don’t* know the words to the Gettysburg Address, so you have have to do double duty to imagine that scene. Good for you! Yes, “amazing”!
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nailingjellotoatree
March 18, 2012
I absolutely adore the mental diarrhea of this post. It’s like everything that could possibly pop into your head in a given second, flowed out of your brain and into this post. Thank you for the mental wanderings through your brain.
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bronxboy55
March 19, 2012
And thank you for taking the time to work your way through this post.
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Nectarfizz
March 18, 2012
I read this post. I read the entire thing and was startled..completely and utterly startled because you and I have the same rambling mind and random thinkage. I know you mentioned before that we have this in common..but there was just something so derned comforting in reading this and knowing there’s at least one other person who travels mouthwise and thoughtwise in a manner that I would see as completely normal. There was also this feeling of understanding that overcame me. Somehow I just know that while writing this post you had 500 others you left out because you didn’t want to appear THAT scatterbrained. LOL. Instinctively I know this because I am the same way. One thought leads to 300 more you could choose from.
I also was intrigued by what you said about thinking randomly as you go to sleep. “So it’s with a great deal of confusion that I lie awake at night and watch the parade of random thoughts make its way down the main street of my mind.” While I also do this and smiled at the fact that, once again, I feel less alone now in this world..I also wondered if you also find yourself creating stories as you drift off. See, I have always done this..create storylines as I fall asleep at night. I have done it my whole life..to the point of adding on to the story from the night before. I have become so good at doing this in order to calm my mind (those random thought things you mentioned) that I can no longer go to sleep without doing this step. I also find that if I fall asleep while visualizing my story thoughts that I dream the most incredibly interesting and in depth dreams. Like my brain kept going with my thoughts even after I fell asleep. I just wondered if this ever happens to you?
Bekki
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
We have had this discussion before, Bekki, and it is comforting to know that there are other people out there who do the same weird things we do. I often wonder what it would be like to be able to step into someone else’s mind, even for a minute or two. I mean, what would it feel like? I guess that’s one of the benefits of blogging — we get a taste, without having to leave the relative comfort of our own weirdness. I’ve never done the storyline thing, but I’m going to try it tonight. Thanks for the idea, and for being so supportive.
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souldipper
March 18, 2012
So, are you going to tell us why some nerd was shooting protons at gold leaf? 😀 And Charles…are you serious? The camel? It’s the dog! It only has three letters whereas the others have four and five! Jeez…
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
He was trying to show that the atom is mostly empty space. Apparently, most of the protons went straight through, while just a few were deflected after hitting the nucleus. Again, it was 1909. If I saw somebody doing this in 2009, I’d assume he’d lost his mind.
The answer could also be mouse, because it’s the only one that ends in a vowel.
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writingfeemail
March 18, 2012
Wild tangents running amuk with brilliant clarity. How does that happen? Only in the mind of a writer!
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
That’s a generous explanation, Renee. Thank you.
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MissMeddle
March 18, 2012
House of Lam. Classic.
Erm… don’t mean to burst your bubble, but maybe you should check the answer to your little IQ test. Lol!
Cheers 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
Thanks, MissMeddle, but I don’t have to check the answer, because I made up the question. So there.
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John
March 18, 2012
“I lie awake at night and watch the parade of random thoughts make its way down the main street of my mind.” I love that.
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
Thank you, John. It’s always good to hear from you.
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Marusia
March 18, 2012
Charles,
My answer was “camel”! Of course: camel, the only animal in the list that survives for about two weeks without water. But your explanation is far more intelligent! I even think Disney Studios is wasting a great opportunity to make a movie with such an interesting protagonist!
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bronxboy55
March 20, 2012
For all we know, they may be working on that movie right now. And your answer explanation again proves how worthless those questions are — the right answer is simply the one that corresponds to the way the writer of the question happens to think. Or maybe the way most people think. But what does that have to do with intelligence?
Sorry we’ve been out of touch, Marusia. It’s good to hear from you.
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Sybil
March 18, 2012
I always thought Goofy looked rather like an upright camel …
I find the only time I can SHUT UP my chattering brain is when I garden. I can be outside digging in the dirt, and suddenly realize the chattering has ceased.
Wonderful post !
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bronxboy55
March 21, 2012
When I read your comment, I realized that gardening does that for me, too. Maybe digging in the dirt helps us get back to what’s real, as opposed to the imagined problems we create in our minds. Thanks, Sybil.
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Rufina
March 18, 2012
The thing that scares me about surgeries is the supposed honesty that comes out when you are in recovery and the anaesthetic starts to wear off…god help them to hear what I may say. Completely understand and relate…:) Great read.
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bronxboy55
March 21, 2012
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, Rufina. I appreciate the comment.
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Joseph Gilmore
March 18, 2012
It’s a good thing I enjoy laughing…
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bronxboy55
March 21, 2012
I’m glad you do, Joseph. It’s the only way.
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patricemj
March 18, 2012
Isn’t insomnia great? There’s no time for sleep when you’ve got your own parade passing though.
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
It also helps to have a pad of paper and a pencil next to the bed.
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patricemj
March 22, 2012
That’s what everyone says…hey, do you know what happened to Priya’s blog? It’s vanished ;( This blog world is so unpredictable.
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
Very unpredictable. I hope you got my email.
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patricemj
March 27, 2012
I didn’t get the email.
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Stacie Chadwick
March 18, 2012
My favorite line: “The answer has to be camel, because it’s the only animal of those five that has never starred in a Disney movie.” Thanks, Charles, for always making me smile.
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
And thank you, Stacie, for always having something nice to say.
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Nicky
March 19, 2012
If this is just the first part of the post,I think you should start taking sleep pills. (Or maybe not as with insomnia you wrote such curious things)
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
Part 2 is up today. I hope you like it, Nicky.
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Ashley
March 19, 2012
Love your deep thoughts! My deep thoughts as I laid in bed last night were limited to what color shirt I needed to wear this morning. Oh, and my guess was the fish, but I like your logic much better.
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I’m not sure how deep my thoughts are, Ashley, but I appreciate the sentiment.
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erledardick
March 19, 2012
nice post! Really thought provoking. I love the part where you watch the random thoughts walking down the main street of your mind. Thank you for writing this nice article. And yes, I agree with you that it is the camel!
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
Thanks for taking the time, Erle, and for the encouraging comment.
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Sarah
March 19, 2012
After your family-related posts, your random musings are my favorites! It’s gratifying to know I’m not the only one lying awake at night, being kept sleepless by my thoughts. I related to the part about those operating room disasters: to avoid one happening to me, when I had my cancer surgery, I wrote “YES!” on one side and “NO!” on the other. (What disturbed me most was that the nurses, the surgeon, and the anesthesiologist all thought it was a good idea.) And while I don’t agree that it’s the camel, I can see the reasoning in that choice. 🙂 Another winning post, Charles. I look forward to Part 2!
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
Even YES and NO could lead to confusion, couldn’t it? (“Yes, this kidney needs to come out.” Or, “Yes, this kidney is okay.”) That’s why I like to be awake for these things.
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Marie M
April 8, 2012
You’re right, BronxBoy. I thought the X mentioned in a much earlier comment was ambiguous, also. Were I the surgeon, I’d have thought that meant “Don’t take this one,” not the opposite! I’d rather use more words to be specific, though, than to be awake. Brrr–just trying to conjure up an image of that gives me chills.
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happykidshappymom
March 19, 2012
Fun, fact-filled post. 🙂 Though now I’d like to hear the story of where you were, “when Mickey Mantle hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth inning to win game 3 of the World Series.”
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
It was 1964. The Yankees and Mantle were on the decline, but his game-winning homer was an exciting flash of greatness. I was standing near the check-outs at a supermarket in the Bronx. Somehow, I’d been dragged to the store with my mother during the World Series, but the game was being broadcast from overhead speakers. I listened while she shopped, and went home much happier than I’d been when we arrived.
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happykidshappymom
March 22, 2012
“went home much happier than I’d been when we arrived.” This is a perfect description.
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Priya
March 20, 2012
So, it can be a good thing, too — insomnia. I’d think about fluff and clouds, though.
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
I hope you’re getting a lot of sleep, Priya, while you still can.
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icedteawithlemon
March 20, 2012
If my insomnia produced such interesting thoughts as yours, I don’t think I would mind it so much. You got me right off the bat with the tap-dancing Freud . . . and tonight when I’m lying in bed and staring into the darkness yet again, at least I will be able to entertain myself with memories of this post. I can already hear Fred Flintstone . . .
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
Your insomnia is much more productive than mine, Karen. I’m just trying to keep up. Thanks, as always, for the encouraging comment.
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Michelle Gillies
March 20, 2012
Wow! It is good to know that I am not the only one who has these things happen to them. Of course yours are funnier. 😉
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bronxboy55
March 22, 2012
Sometimes another person’s struggles seem funnier, just because they’re happening to someone else. Thanks for the comment, Michelle.
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Terri O.A.
March 20, 2012
I wish that there could be a meeting of the minds. On one side the 1800’s achievers or moms, and on the other side 2012 persons of the same type. What conversations that would be……loved the post…..hope the cat is ok!!!!!!!
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I’ve often wondered what educated people of the past would think of us, Terri. We know so much, and yet we seem so uninformed at the same time. The cat is fine, by the way.
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Terri O.A.
March 27, 2012
We have more knowledge less class!
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dearrosie
March 21, 2012
Thanks to the folks above who joined in the “which of the 5” discussion. Very funny.
great quote:
“In the 1850s when people made their own soap, and lit their homes with oil lamps, and rode horses to work, physicists were capable of measuring the speed of light.. .”
Do you know why doctors cut off the wrong limb or took out the healthy lung? The markers they used to “carefully mark the surgery” washed off when the area was cleaned with antiseptic solution before the operation. So the doctors had to guess which limb or lung… 50/50
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I think whenever something has to be removed from the patient’s body, everyone in the operating room should have to agree on what it is. If the vote isn’t unanimous, put down the knife and check the notes again.
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aakritimehrotra
March 21, 2012
ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!! 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I’m glad you liked it.
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Arindam
March 22, 2012
It was fun to read this post. I specially liked the IQ part. It was completely hilarious. And just like you, when I was studying Ernest Rutherford’s experiment, I was wondering, “How some one could do such an experiment in 1909! ” And please let me know, if you could find from where Mr. Rutherford got all those protons. 🙂
Thanks for all the laugh Sir Charles, I needed this today. 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
Philosophers in Greece and India were contemplating the atom — or something like it — more than two thousand years ago. They were also calculating the orbits of the planets and predicting solar eclipses. I don’t get it.
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O. Leonard
March 22, 2012
Wait, is camel the right answer? I had a question the other day that totally eluded me. Which of these doesn’t fit? A.Mom, B. Elijah, C. Dad, D. Hannah. Drove me nuts. I picked Elijah but I didn’t know why. Loved the post, can’t wait for Part II. I also waste a lot of consciousness in the same manner.
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I think you picked the right answer, O. The other three all begin and end with the same letter, but Elijah doesn’t. But again, you could probably come up with an argument for any of those answers.
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Marie M
April 8, 2012
My guess is that Elijah is correct, also, but for a different reason: not only do the other three begin and end with the same letter, but they are palindromes. In addition, Hannah is an only child, so poor Elijah is a double outcast.
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jessicatherockchick
March 24, 2012
I have to try this again…last time my comment got stuck in “posting comment” limbo, never to be seen again.
I know you don’t watch TV, but your thoughts are almost precisely the reason I keep it on as I’m trying to fall asleep. If I don’t my mind wanders to similar things and then I’m forced to google all night for answers. I’d have to think the 1st IQ test was created by someone exactly like Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory. Someone with an ego large enough to want to see how others measured up intellectually. I’m not sure how anyone discovers anything about space. I can barely find stars and planets with my Star Walk app on my iPad and when i point it at the sky, it tells me what’s there and where exactly to look. Humans are amazing creatures, no doubt. I often wonder what greatness I’d be capable of if I didn’t spend so much time driving cheerleaders around. Ha!
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
You’re right about how amazing humans are, Jessica. The variety of things we’ve managed to notice and figure out is mind boggling. (Did you see how I included both of us in that assessment?) But you’ve accomplished a lot more than you give yourself credit for. There are many different kinds of greatness.
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Jessica Sieghart
March 24, 2012
WordPress is changing my character to an old alterego. This is quite strange. Another mystery for you to ponder 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 27, 2012
I noticed that, but there’s no hope that I’d ever figure it out.
Another great column, Jessica:
http://niles.patch.com/articles/give-me-a-break-b887f2af
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simonkanyeki
March 29, 2012
Reblogged this on simonkanyeki.
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bronxboy55
April 2, 2012
I appreciate it.
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