Life seems to be getting more and more complicated. You must’ve noticed that, because even I’ve noticed it, and believe me, a lot of things escape my attention. For example, I frequently walk around for the better part of a day with a dryer sheet hanging out from the bottom of my pants. Last week, I drove all over town with the trunk open. (I suppose I would’ve seen it sooner, but I was too distracted by people waving to me from the other cars.) The two things I say most frequently are: “When did that happen?” and “I have no idea why my head is bleeding.” So I’m as sure as I can be that you already know how complicated life is. And you’ve probably come up with ways to cope with the complexity.
I have, too.
Occasionally, big problems come along, and we have to be ready. We know what to do if there’s a tornado heading right for us. (Run!)
We know what to do when a marauding horde of barbarians charges down from the mountains, throwing thick slabs of wood at our heads. (Duck!)
And we certainly know what to do when some unimaginable catastrophe yanks the ground out from under our feet and causes us to question everything we’ve ever held to be true and important. (Eat candy!)
But what about the small things? Those tiny, maddening mysteries. Those quirks of nature that trip us up, often without our awareness. These, too, can be handled effectively. Of course, the first step is to recognize the problem. Knowledge is power! That’s my motto. Actually I have more than one motto, because “Knowledge is power” doesn’t exactly cover every possible circumstance. Another motto I have is “Hey, life is funny sometimes.” I once insisted on giving my daughter a haircut, and when I was finished she looked like an alpaca. As she stared into the mirror and her eyes welled with tears, I started to say “Knowledge is power,” but caught myself and quickly switched over to “Hey, life is funny sometimes.” It worked out beautifully, although I did have to buy her a hat.
Anyway, my point is that the world is changing, and it’s important that we keep learning and growing. Here are a few tips that I’ve found useful. I hope you do, too. For your convenience, I’ve divided the tips into categories. That’s another motto of mine: “When you have no idea what you’re talking about, divide everything up into categories.”
Creativity
Everyone likes to say these days that it’s important to think outside the box. This is meaningless nonsense. Where is the box? Has anyone ever seen it? It stands to reason that if you don’t know where the box is, you can never be sure that you’re thinking outside of it. I’m pretty certain the box doesn’t exist.
Cooking
The International Grading Scale for Olives includes thirteen different sizes. You might think that Large would be at the top of the scale, but you’d have to think again: there are eight sizes of olives above Large. Eight! Jumbo is bigger than Extra Large, while Giant is bigger than Jumbo. Colossal is bigger than Giant, but Super Mammoth, the largest specimen in the olive kingdom, is bigger than even Super Colossal. Eggs, on the other hand, come in just six different sizes: Pee Wee, Small, Medium, Large, Extra Large, and Jumbo. This is why it’s so very difficult to substitute olives for eggs in most cake recipes.
Electronics
If your Internet connection is down, and you call technical support only to get a recording that advises you to visit their website for troubleshooting information, be careful. This kind of thing will cause your brain to become caught in a mental loop, and it could spin like that for weeks. It’s similar to fumbling around when the power suddenly goes off during a lightning storm — you know the candles are there somewhere, but you can’t find them because it’s dark, so you keep trying to turn the lights on. Forget the Internet and the candles, and go take a nap. By the way, this last bit of advice about taking a nap can easily be incorporated into a motto.
Safety
Never attempt to sleep in a Murphy Bed. In case you don’t know, this is an invention that’s designed to help you save space in your home. The frame is attached to hinges and instead of making the bed, you fold it up onto the wall, like a giant vertical mousetrap. It’s a little-known fact that the inventor of the Murphy Bed was the same guy who came up with Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” Combine that little nugget of wisdom with a piece of furniture that catapults itself ninety degrees off the floor, and there isn’t much else that needs to be said.
Gardening
Seeds don’t work. I don’t know how it started, but we’ve all grown up believing this myth that plants develop from seeds. I’ve planted thousands of seeds in my lifetime, and not one has ever grown. The tip-off to this hoax can be found in the directions on any seed packet: “Make holes one-eighth of an inch deep.” It’s physically impossible to dig a hole in dirt that’s only an eighth of an inch deep, and even if you could, you still have to cover the seeds. There is no soil on Earth that can be sprinkled so precisely. The truth is that all plants — whether flower, vegetable, fruit, or shrub — come from a nursery of some kind, and not from seeds. The veracity of this idea becomes obvious when you look at a seed and compare it to a tree. You’ll notice that the tree is very big and the seed is very small. Just ask yourself: Where did all of those leaves come from?
Language
If you want to learn a foreign language, go to the country where they speak it. Don’t try to learn by listening to tapes or CDs, because you won’t know what you’re hearing. The words will all run together, and you’ll end up saying something stupid at a really bad time. Also, nobody who speaks the language ever says those things you hear in the lessons, and if you say them, everyone will laugh at you. The most important part of speaking like a native is the facial expressions and a lot of flailing arms. Think about English for a second: most people who speak English never actually say much of anything. I have to believe that the rest of the world is no different. There are more than six thousand languages, and I doubt anyone is communicating very far beyond waving their hands around and making weird faces.
Hidden Pictures
There’s a graphics puzzle that appears in daily newspapers and kids’ magazines. The challenge involves trying to locate hidden objects in a drawing. I’ve never been able to find the hammer or the snake, but I’ll tell you right now and with complete confidence that the fish is always in the tree. Always. Remember this and you can amaze your friends with your visual acuity. Also, mention the word acuity in a way that sounds as though you know what it means, and they’ll be doubly amazed.
Nutrition
Everyone is driving themselves crazy attempting to eat healthier and keep up with the latest studies on cholesterol, sugar, salt, food additives, and pesticides. I’m telling you, there’s nothing to worry about. There are millions of men and women — living otherwise normal lives — who eat bizarre things, and have been doing so for years. These people secretly consume plastic, leather, cigarette ashes, pieces of broken pottery, telephone books, and even entire bicycles. If it’s possible to eat a flower pot and survive, I can’t see how a bag of Skittles is going to do you any harm.
* * * * *
If any of this information helps eliminate some of your stress, I’m glad. It’s like I always say: Knowledge is power. And if none of this seems worthwhile, well, would you have preferred that I gave you a haircut? Besides, we can try again. I still have plenty of tips, many even more valuable than the ones listed here. I just have to divide them up into categories. But first I’m going to take a short nap.
Meanwhile, have fun tonight, and please be safe. I hope the coming twelve months are filled with happiness. In fact, I might even consider adopting that as my new motto: Happy New Year!
I like that. It’s simple, yet sincere. You know, life really is funny sometimes. But maybe it doesn’t always have to be so complicated.
Samantha Looks So Fine
December 31, 2011
Great words of wisdom. I like to use the motto, “Don’t stress!” but that’s easily forgotten during a stressful situation. Happy New Year to you and your family!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2011
I’m exactly the same, Samantha. My philosophy of not letting things get to me works great, until something comes along and gets to me. Maybe we’ll both make a little progress in that area in the new year.
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Donna
June 7, 2012
Sometimes, we don’t really know why sudden things happened.
And Samantha was right, “Don’t be stress” or don’t let ‘stress’ ruin anything.
Donna
My blog : papier peint mural
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Renee Fullem
December 31, 2011
Thank you for the smiles and the chuckles. And the wisdom….I think if we could remind ourselves when life gets complicated that life really is funny sometimes, we’d stay calmer and saner. Happy New Year to you, too, and may the smiles you bring to others be returned to you a thousand fold this year.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2011
And I have to thank you, Renee, for showing me that immense joy can arrive, unexpected, even in the waning days of a difficult year. We never know what’s coming, and sometimes what’s coming is something great.
We should try to catch up one of these days!
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Allyson Hoffmann
December 31, 2011
Thanks for your last words of the year, Charles. I enjoyed them like all the words I so far was glad to read from you. Hoping for many more to come. I wish you a very happy new year, tons of bright ideas and lots of love around. Take care and be safe, Charles. Very nice ´meeting you`. Very enjoyable. Allyson
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2011
Thank you, Allyson, for all of your wonderful comments. And I must tell you how frustrated I am that I can’t read your blog. Doesn’t WordPress have some kind of German-to-English translation tool? (It’s probably a good thing that they don’t — I’m sure a lot would be lost.)
See you in 2012. Have a wonderful year!
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SammyDee
December 31, 2011
Great tips and so true! I’ll take them with me into the New Year. 🙂 I read them with a huge smile on my face.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2011
Thanks, SammyDee. I look forward to visiting your blog soon.
Happy New Year!
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Melinda
December 31, 2011
Oh you’re too funny. As a seed-planting-challenged non-gardener myself that can only grow weeds because I think they come from a science yet to be discovered or aliens, I agree with your advice 110%. Sleeping in a Murphy bed would result in a night waiting for the impact of being squished. Happy New Year to you!!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2011
You wrote a post about your gardening shortcomings. But I also recall the claim that your daughter was able to grow plants directly from seeds. What I want to know is, how did you allow yourself to be fooled by such a young child?
Thank you for all of your comments, and especially for your amazing blog. I look forward to another year of Finding the Humor.
Happy New Year, Melinda!
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Life in the Boomer Lane
December 31, 2011
Ah, such great words of wisdom. Some of these examples are things I have experienced. My mantra now is “Don’t try to understand it. Wait long enough, and it will be gone.” And when I give people opinions now that involve something I’ve read/heard, I follow with “But I could be making that up.” Re teddy bear stuffing, I wrote a post back in 2010 titled “The Link Between Mattress Stuffing and Weight Loss.” Have a glorious 2012.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2012
“Wait long enough, and it will be gone.”
Those are words of wisdom that could be applied to about two-thirds of life.
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Allan Douglas
December 31, 2011
An excellent post, Charles! I don’t know for sure why I found this one so hilarious: “This is why it’s so very difficult to substitute olives for eggs in most cake recipes.” But it’s a really good thing that my Mountain Dew was sitting on my desk at the time.
I have in fact built a number of Murphy beds for people – I’m wondering now if it’s coincidental that I’ve never heard from any of them again.
I once lived in Laredo Texas, which is right across the Rio Grande river (which, most of the time could be crossed by standing on the bank and saying, “Simon says, take one giant step forward.” Grande, my left foot!) from sister city, Nuevo Laredo. In school we were forced to take Spanish classes because Mexicans outnumbered Americans 10 to 1 and Spanish was the official language of that entire region of Texas. We used to go across the border to shop. Feeling brave I once asked a group of locals where I could find the nearest restroom. They all burst out laughing. I never figured out if I’d said something funny or if they didn’t have restrooms. But I decided to go rebel and deliberately flunk Spanish class – we’d be moving again in a few months; I’d just wait them out and never need to know that silly language again. Little did I know!
I totally agree with you about thinking outside the box. I’m not sure whether I’m sealed inside the box or wandering blithely so from the box that I’ve never even seen it, but I can honestly say I have no idea where those borders are.
I’ve tried to tweet your post 5 times now and Twitter crashes every time – their box must be full!
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
That Rio Grande story sounds like a post to me. Have you written about it? And I think you should check on those Murphy Bed people.
Happy New Year to you and Marie. I look forward to reading more of your gems in 2012.
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asininetosh
December 31, 2011
I swear I haven’t laughed this much in centuries!!! Ok make that decades.. I was sitting in my car lazily sipping vaccum from my finished soft-drink can when your post popped in. Thank you for the most hilarious 20 minutes of 2011 (No, I am not a slow reader it’s just that I happen to read your posts twice. Always! And no, I am not dumb either like my username suggests :P)I wish you good health for many more years to come so that you continue to touch many more lives in a positive way… And yeah good memory too! 😉
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
Thank you for the comment. Happy New Year!
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Kendrick Macdowell
December 31, 2011
Thanks for the good cheer to close out 2011 Charles.
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
It’s always great to hear from you, Kendrick. I need to get back over to your blog very soon. There’s always something thought-provoking there.
Happy New Year.
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bitchontheblog
December 31, 2011
I am sorry to disappoint, Charles. You’ve stressed me out completely. Can I have a haircut instead? Don’t bother about the hat. A wig will do.
You think YOU have problems driving around with an open trunk? Why not try depositing a carton full of eggs on the roof of your car whilst carefully loading the rest of your shopping into trunk. Forget. Drive off. Wonder why oncoming traffic flashes at you, drivers pointing at top of your car. Do not comprehend. Arrive home with eggs intact. Start believing in tooth fairies and Lady Luck. Recover. Break an egg or two. Bake a cake.
U
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
I would try it, but I’d probably trip on the way to the car, break the entire dozen, and end up with, you know, egg all over my face. As for you, my dear Ursula, I hope the tooth fairy stays away, but Lady Luck follows you around all year.
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Diane Henders
December 31, 2011
Aha! The mystery is solved. Now I know why my cakes have those mysterious lumps in them. Next time, I’ll try eggs. How’s that for thinking outside the box?
Thanks for a wonderful year of funny and thought-provoking posts, Charles. Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
The same to you, Diane. I’m glad we met and became blogging buddies. Your flow chart was one of the highlights of the year for me. Keep writing!
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Saara
December 31, 2011
You’re funny!
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bronxboy55
January 2, 2012
You meant that in a good way, right? I’m sure you did.
Thank you, Saara. Happy New Year. And please keep that wonderful (and versatile) blog going!
http://saaranaveed.wordpress.com
P.S. You did mean it in a good way, didn’t you?
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Saara
January 3, 2012
Of course I did!
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Sarah
December 31, 2011
Thanks for helping me finish off my year with a few chuckles, Charles. Happy new year to you, too. One of the reasons I’m looking forward to 2012 is because I’ll (finally) be seeing you!
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Sarah
January 1, 2012
P.S. Not to brag or anything, but I can grow things from seeds. 🙂 My avocado tree didn’t make it, but my baby lychee fruit and oak trees are coming along nicely. If I can do it, anybody can.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that it distorts our ability to perceive reality. Do you also think stain removers really work? How about that button on the wall outside the elevator? We’ll have to have a long talk when you’re here.
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Carl D'Agostino
December 31, 2011
I like the last cartoon. I too must draw the lines somewhere and have found that I can ‘draw the lines’ on my blog. Your blog is aptly named. Happy New Year.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
Happy New Year to you, too, Carl. Thank you.
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Marcia Clarke
December 31, 2011
I always wondered about those Murphy beds; have this vision of guests retiring at night, only to be awaken by a sudden jolt and the realization they are pinned to the wall, LOL. Thanks for the visual, enjoy the rest of 2011 and have a Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
The fold-up bed does seem like a good idea, especially if you have limited space. I just don’t think I’d sleep very well. Actually, I don’t sleep well now, and the idea that I might find myself upside-down inside the wall would only make things worse.
Thanks for the comment, Marcia. Happy New Year to you, too!
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Anonymous
December 31, 2011
I know it’s been a while since I’ve commented on here, but rest assured I’m reading most of your posts — this one was too awesome not to comment on, and i’m even going to end in a preposition with that sentence — that’s how awesome it was. Your writing always makes me smile, your quirky humor, the funny things you observe. The world you live in must have colors in it that don’t exist anywhere else, because how else could you see such vivid pictures? Thanks for the tips, the categories for organizing our own crazy wonderings. Happy New Year to you too. And here’s a motto for you: If I can put it into words, it can’t be all that bad. And maybe it IS funny. Thanks for all your words. I’ll drop a bag of Skittles in the mail — but wait, do you want Tropical or Regular or Sour or … Ack, nothing’s simple. Another motto.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thanks, JH. I hope this year is a happier one for you.
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
December 31, 2011
Even though Life may be getting harder and harder, you’ve certainly made Blogging seem easy by the grace and humor of your words. I remember reading your blog for the first time a good year ago, thinking, wow, this guy can write. You’ve kept me coming back, and you’ve attracted hundreds more fans, so I say your Motto should be “Happy New Blogging Year”.
From the EOS household to the Mostly Bright Ideas clan, all the best for 2012.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thank you, EOS. Your encouragement means a lot. And I hope we can finally get together for that egg cream this year.
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Kemi
December 31, 2011
You’re hilarious!! And you’re right. I never got that “out of the box” nonsense ;-).
Kx
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thanks for the comment, Kemi. Happy New Year.
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She's a Maineiac
December 31, 2011
What a great post to end this year with, I laughed all the way through.
My motto is and always will be: When in doubt, take a nap.
Thanks, Charles, once again for sharing your hilarious view of this crazy world. I wish you nothing but continued happiness and success in the coming year!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
And I hope you know that I wish the same for you, Darla. I like your motto, too, but don’t forget the blankie.
Happy New Year, and please keep writing!
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slavesincorporated
December 31, 2011
Hi Charles
this post is in great spirit, help has surely arrived
Happy New Year to you and your Family!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Happy New Year to you, too. Thank you for the comment.
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worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
December 31, 2011
As always another impressive display of written acuity.
Happy New Year (an I hope you gave your daughter a bag of Skittles along with the hat).
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thanks, WW, and especially for using the word acuity. Nicely done. I hope the new year has gotten off to a great start for you.
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Jac
December 31, 2011
While many people say we should “think outside the box”, I have a better motto that I believe the majority of people need to follow.
“Think”
Life would be a whole lot less complicated if everyone would give it a try.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
We just have to be careful to distinguish between the people who aren’t thinking at all and those who are thinking differently from us.
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♡ The Tale Of My Heart ♡
December 31, 2011
Happy New Year 2012,,,, have fun 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thank you, and the same to you!
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charlywalker
December 31, 2011
I like thinking inside the box…..especially the one that’s labeled Tiffany on the outside…..
Nice post Bronxboy….
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Yeah, right. And when was the last time that happened? Tell me the truth.
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magsx2
December 31, 2011
Hi,
A fantastic read for the 1st day of 2012. It’s just on 8am here in OZ. 🙂
I can definitely relate to problems with the computer and trying to get help off line, I even had a guy ask me if my power was turned on when I tried to get on the net. 😆
Have a great New Year, and I wish you and your Family all the very best for 2012.
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Thanks, Mags. Happy New Year to you, too.
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Bridgesburning Chris King
December 31, 2011
I am so glad I found you this year … seems to me you have nailed all the useless things we worry about..whew…now I can start the year stress free!
Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
Happy New Year, Chris. And thanks for the nice comment.
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Elyse
December 31, 2011
Thanks, Charles, for a great way to head towards New Years.
Most of your suggestions are great — with the language section being the only one I’ll dicker with. I lived for 5 years in French-speaking Switzerland. And in spite of having a certificate that says I’m fluent in French (at least that’s what I think it says, but hey, it’s in French) — I am not. I am fluent in pointing and grunting though.
Happy 2012 to you. Thanks for the fun; I look forward to next year’s posts!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
There are many people immigrating from China to where I live in eastern Canada, and I’m amazed at how quickly they learn English. I’m pretty sure you could drop me into the middle of Shanghai and come back fifty years later, and I’d still be pointing and grunting.
Thanks for the nice words, Elyse.
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Elyse
January 4, 2012
There are linguists and there are writers. They ain’t necessarily the same folks, though! I think we are in the same boat. And you know, if pointing and grunting works, I am THERE.
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lostnchina
December 31, 2011
Loved this one, Charles. You’ve certainly put my angst into perspective.
The bit about the olives is spot on! Just came from my fridge, where I was trying to figure out what to do with all the different types and sizes of olives. Bought them for making martinis, and now they’re all sitting in various jars, bags and cans looking like Humpty Dumpties. I’d better start mixing and drinking. At least today I have an excuse to do so.
Happy NY!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2012
I’m not sure I’ll ever understand the need for differentiating among different sizes of olives. Do we do that with any other fruit or vegetable?
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rangewriter
December 31, 2011
Oh my, what a hoot. And just in the nick of time. BTW, don’t you touch a hair on my head!
About those seeds? I did once have luck planting seeds. I planted California poppies thinking they’d be real pretty in this pristine new flower bed in my pristine new home. Ya, those dang poppies took root…all over the freakin’ yard. They migrated from the back yard to the front yard, through all the flower beds and even came up in the grass. Why didn’t the package warn me that these were really California dandelions? After that, I kept all my seeds in a box.
Happy New Year, Charles.
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
Thank you, Linda, and the same to you. I look forward to another year of great blog posts at What Comes Next?
http://rangewriter.wordpress.com
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Eliza
December 31, 2011
My motto is, “Belief is power” and not “knowledge is power”. It’s one thing to know something, but believing it makes the difference. 🙂
Nice post, happy new year and best wishes for 2012!
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
I agree with you about the word knowledge, Eliza. I think it takes more than knowing to produce power.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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patricemj
December 31, 2011
I hate saying the same thing everyone else is saying, but you are so funny and sweet. Thanks so much for being you and for going out of your way to make my life a little better this year, you really did. blessings to you! pj
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
No need to thank me, Patrice. Your writing is a true joy to read, so you made my life a little better, too. I hope your new year is off to a great start.
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MJ, Nonstepmom
December 31, 2011
I think no one has seen the mythical box because either they are too far inside of it to realize it’s there (Twilight Zone episode) or so far from any box it’s not even a thought. Another myth being “the real world” – what’s that all about? I need to go re-organize my olives…..
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
Some people seem to think there’s a place called “the real world,” or such a thing as “real life.” Whatever part of the world you’re in and whatever your life is at the moment are completely real, at least to you. Good luck with the olives.
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ailsapm
January 1, 2012
Sage advice! It’s already 2012 in Dublin, so let me wish you a very Happy New Year, Charles. x
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
I’m confused. If you were in Dublin and it was already 2012, how did you get back to your apartment in NY in time to take pictures of the fireworks in Central Park? If you’ve figured out time travel, I want in.
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ailsapm
January 7, 2012
I was taking advantage of my dual citizenship to own both time zones. I left Dublin just in time to make it to New York for the fireworks. I have figured out time travel, but I use it judiciously.
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Rayme Wells @ A Clean Surface
January 1, 2012
Super mammoth olives? That is just silly.
I am a firm believer in changing one’s motto according to the situation. A favorite from my father, “It’s good to know your limitations.”
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bronxboy55
January 6, 2012
I agree. That’s why I never go bigger than Colossal.
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therealbryon-(gaysexandthecity)
January 1, 2012
another great one. I am glad that I found your blog. looking forward to reading more in 2012
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2012
Thanks, Bryon. Happy New Year.
I really liked this recent post about your wishes for 2012:
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cooperstownersincanada
January 1, 2012
Another hilarious article, Charles. I look forward to reading more of your work in 2012.
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2012
And I look forward to more of your exhaustively researched and well-written essays on baseball and Canada.
Happy New Year, Kevin.
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Snoring Dog Studio
January 1, 2012
With two dogs, I’ve got plenty of stuffing from teddy bears and other animals they’ve ripped open. Yours is the last nutrition advice I’m taking – if I can’t lose weight by eating stuffing then I’ll give up entirely and hang on to these last few pounds.
A spectacular year of your posts, Charles. You brought so much laughter and wonder to my life. Your writing has left me with a standard I doubt I can ever reach, but I’ll keep trying in 2012. You’ve been a delight.
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2012
Wait a second, SDS. I never said you should eat the stuffing. I said there are some people who eat strange things — metal, glass, pumpkin pie — but I wasn’t recommending it.
And it’s you who have set the standard. Your posts are all tightly written and right on the mark. Your central idea is always clear and backed up with real-world examples and evidence. On top of that (or under it), you also inject a layer of humor and humility that’s completely disarming. I await your announcement that you’re establishing your own religion, political movement, or even entire country. I’ll be there, with my boots on. Unless it’s at the beach; then I probably won’t wear the boots. (I bet there are people who eat boots.)
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souldipper
January 1, 2012
Charles, the reason you don’t understand the box? It’s because you’ve never been in one! You just threw in that bit about the colour thing. Smoke and mirrors…you can’t fool me.
Many blessings to your family and you, Charles. This will be fun, this 2012. I’m looking forward to it.
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2012
I doubt you’ve ever seen the box either, Amy. Happy New Year!
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Westchester square
January 1, 2012
If it were illegal for parents to cut their children’s hair, I could have avoided my own alpaca moment many years ago!
Looking forward to more of your wisdom all through the New Year.
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2012
I can’t promise you wisdom, but I look forward to another year of your valued friendship. Thank you for all of your kindness and support.
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An Idealist Thinker
January 1, 2012
Your posts almost always make me smile, Charles. And sometimes, they make me laugh out loud (..like the bit here about ‘seeds don’t work’), and then I have to be careful if anyone’s watching. Because, here I am, sitting on my computer, being all serious, pretending to be doing work of great importance.. and then, I laugh out loud reading one of your posts. How do I explain that?
Its alright.. you can breathe easy. As it is, it’s been tough to get a smile out of me these days.. only exception being the posts here. May you keep writing more gems and spreading the cheer for years to come, and not just this one. Wishing you a blessed new year! 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 10, 2012
Thank you, AIT. No matter what’s going on around you, somehow you manage to maintain your gentle thoughtfulness. I hope the new year brings you a renewed sense of clarity and peace.
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Jessica Sieghart
January 1, 2012
I have to know… Did your daughter willingly let you give her a haircut or was she not old enough yet to speak? 😉 I never cut my kids hair, but once my oldest daughter lopped off Daughter #2’s entire ponytail the night before they were to be flower girls in my sister’s wedding. It’s almost a shame the reverse bob wasn’t in style back then, but a few curls and carefully placed flowers did the trick.
You’re right; there is no box. One of the biggest mistakes people make (other than cutting their own kids’ hair) is to think that there is one. Too much time is spent trying to claw one’s way out of nothing in an attempt to be creative. We are all creative, but some, like you, are gifted beyond most. I don’t usually make New Years resolutions because, frankly, I don’t need the additional stress. This year I’ve decided to find better ways to eliminate stress and worry. It probably won’t happen, but at least I know I don’t have to fret any longer about olives or my Chocolate Twizzler addiction. 🙂 Thank you for that!!! Hope 2012 brings health, happiness and lots more Charles columns. Happy New Year, my friend!
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
My daughter was eleven or twelve at the time of the Haircut That Will Never Be Forgotten. That was probably right around the time I had my last Chocolate Twizzler — and I just mentioned them to my son last week!
Speaking of haircuts, your latest column was excellent, as always:
http://mortongrove.patch.com/articles/mission-makeover-it-s-not-just-a-story-anymore
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earthriderjudyberman
January 1, 2012
Your story about giving your daughter a haircut reminded me of when I was a teen and my Mom encouraged me to cut her hair. I knew nothing. But I tried to give her a layered haircut. Complete disaster. To Mom’s credit, she never complained. She did wear a hat until her hair grew out. This is why I NEVER cut my daughters’ hair – EVER.
Enjoyed your blog. Look forward to more of your stories in 2012. Happy New Year – can I call you Charles?
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nectarfizz
January 1, 2012
Nope, you must call him Snoopy..cause I just know he does the Snoopy happy dance of joy.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
Is nothing private anymore?
Happy New Year, Bekki.
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Nectarfizz
January 28, 2012
Happy New Year Bronxi
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You As A Machine
January 2, 2012
That is freaky! My mom insisted I give her a hair cut once also (ONCE).
We laughed.
I miss her.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
I never cut my mother’s hair, but I miss her, too.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
I learned my lesson, Judy (and so did my daughter). I’m officially retired from cutting hair.
Happy New Year to you, too.
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nectarfizz
January 1, 2012
Sometimes you amaze and delight me. Other times you just delight me. Most of the time you make me think you are too freaking cool to really be someone who admits he knows me through her blog..cause clearly you should be ashamed to admit you know someone as lacking in cool as me..IE the person who inspects her navel for lint and calls it a day.
This post was funny, interesting and too derned cool to be seen with me. lol
Bekki
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
I thought we settled this a long time ago. If you think I’m cooler than you, it’s only because you stopped paying attention.
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madamfickle
January 1, 2012
Hilarious. Mmmm skittles.
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madamfickle
January 1, 2012
You remind me of an older and wiser me.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
Well, you’re probably half-right.
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Marie M
January 2, 2012
Thanks for opening your mind and heart to us, Charlie. After reading your posts, we just plain feel better. May you take great satisfaction in knowing that you add so much laughter to others’ lives, along with undeniable bits of occasional wisdom (like “Eat candy”!).
All the best to you and yours!
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
Thank you, Marie. I always feel better after I hear from you.
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Priya
January 2, 2012
Thank you for blogging, Charles. For you do it so well, and spread the kind of merriment and cheer around that very soon people will have a motto “Go to Charles!” and there’ll never be a moment of despair in their lives.
All the very best of everything to you this year.
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An Idealist Thinker
January 4, 2012
I second that.. totally. Thank you for blogging, Charles.
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bronxboy55
January 11, 2012
Thank you for blogging, Priya, and for taking the time to read my posts. You always inspire me to do better. I hope that, with all of the changes this year will bring, our friendship and writing connection will continue to grow stronger.
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Sybil
January 2, 2012
Found you c/o Dearrosie’s Blog … You are a delightfully funny fella.. No pressure, but I will be reading future posts in expectation that they meet the standards set by this one!
With like, totally, sincerely, knarley good wishes,
Sybil
Eastern Passage, Nova Scotia
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Sybil
January 2, 2012
Holy crap ! You have 1,557 followers ! That’s even more than the 15 I have.
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2012
I had a freshly-pressed Groundhog Day back in October. See:
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kathleenmae
January 2, 2012
This definitely has alleviated my stress. Thank you so much. I’ve been having a weird couple of days leading up to the new year because of being so far away from my family and I have been looking into things a bit too much but I really love how you just don’t treat life too seriously and have fun with it. I love how you mention a few skittles won’t do you any harm because I think you should eat what you feel like eating. None of this strict diet business! This was a pleasure read and one I have read in good timing 🙂 I will definitely make this year better than the last!
Thanks Charles!
– Kathy
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2012
Thank you for the wonderful comment, Kathy. I hope the new year is off to a great start for you.
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writerwoman61
January 2, 2012
I totally agree with you about “the box”…
Olives are gross!
I have grown plants from seeds on many occasions (sometimes the deer even leave them alone!)…
Happy New Year, Charles!
Wendy
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2012
I actually like olives, which makes this a strange situation — I’m usually the one thinking some food is gross.
It was good to hear from you, Wendy. Happy New Year to you, too.
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You As A Machine
January 2, 2012
How do you do that? Without fail, I have an unsuspecting laugh out loud moment when I read your posts!
I never knew there was a grading scale for Olives, and so love this bit of trivia…I come from a long line of Italian grocers and can’t wait to see what reaction I get from my Dad when I throw this into our next conversation!
Thanks again.
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bronxboy55
January 14, 2012
Please don’t start trouble with your Dad — Italian grocers are among my favorite people!
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Arindam
January 2, 2012
What a great post, at the end of the year; although for me it was a post to start the year. May be for the first time since i started blogging, i reached at your place late. 🙂
My motto is- “To do those things, where i am not good at. Then only, one day i will be good at it”. Wish you a wonderful year a head.
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Arindam
January 4, 2012
Sir Charles, in between so many comments on your latest posts, one of my comment on your post ‘Zabaglione’ got lost. Melissa gave me link to that post of yours, in one of her comment in my blog. And for me that post was the best. Thanks to Melissa i could read that one, because when you wrote that one, i was not part of this blogging world. I hope you will go through my comment on that post. I just wanted to say ‘Thank you’ for that post. I am going to remember that post forever.
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thank you, Arindam, for both of your comments. I hope your year has started off well, and that it will find you continuing to write, and to explore this world of blogging. You have already made a great impact.
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dearrosie
January 2, 2012
You know when something’s so darn funny/clever you have to share it? I interrupted Mr F several times to read him excerpts from this post. I couldn’t help it. heh heh I must admit that before reading this I never thought olives were funny, but I know from this day forth I won’t be able to pick up a bottle of olives without laughing – not just laugh mind you – but you know really laugh… Colossal, Giant or Super Mammoth… (talking of which Mammoth makes me think of a wooly creature not an olive…)
Your funniest line ever? “This is why it’s so very difficult to substitute olives for eggs in most cake recipes.”
Happy New Year Charles. And thanks.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
Thank you, Rosie. Your supportive comments are always nice to get, although I’m sure Mr. F would like to punch me in the head.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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O. Leonard
January 2, 2012
All I know is I agree with you one hundred percent…the box doesn’t exist. If it did I would know that I’m thinking outside of it. Which I’m sure I am. Right? Loved this post.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
Also, if too many people start thinking outside of the box, then eventually the box will become the exception, and therefore contain the creative stuff. It’s hard to keep up with it all, isn’t it, O?
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Kemi
January 3, 2012
Hi, just wondered if you would share what tool you use to create your cartoons? They are great and was thinking of adding a bit of spice to my 2012 posts. Thanks! K
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2012
Kemi, the original artwork for most of the cartoons is done by a man named Ron Leishman. You can find his cartoons on either of two subscription websites (both reasonably priced): http://www.toonclipart.com and http://www.iclipart.com. I download the images and place them into a program called InDesign. That allows me to combine two or more cartoons into one, and add titles, captions, and dialogue.
Let me know if I can help in any other way.
Happy New Year!
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Kemi
January 3, 2012
Thank you :-). I’m on it and will let you know how I get on. Exciting!!
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Ashley
January 3, 2012
I so dislike hearing “Think outside the box” almost as much as I despise “At the end of the day”…like 3:00 wouldn’t be a better time to tie things up? Great blog, as always.
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2012
I bet “bottom line” is another one, isn’t it?
Thanks for the comment, Ashley. I hope there are good things around the corner for you and your family.
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writingfeemail
January 3, 2012
I am so glad that someone has finally asked these questions and made these observations. I too have wondered about said ‘box’ and whether or not I was in it or outside of it or just straddling the box top. As for seeds – I think the point is to plant them in such shallow conditions that the birds will find them, thus causing you to return to the store for more seeds. It’s a brilliant marketing strategy. But the plot has been uncovered. Of course, this is just me, thinking outside of the box again! Happy New Year!
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bronxboy55
January 7, 2012
It is a brilliant strategy, Renee, and it worked on me for a while. But then I noticed that the cucumbers at the supermarket look fine, and I don’t have to spend hours every week wondering if they’ll ever show up.
Happy New Year to you, too.
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Yulia
January 4, 2012
I agree with you about the box, this is another great post, Charles.
Happy New Year 2012 🙂 Looking forward to read your great posts in this year 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thanks, Yulia, and the same to you. I hope the new year brings you and your family only happy things.
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Nel
January 4, 2012
Very witty, Charles.
I used to subscribe to the idea of out-of-the-box thinking; that is until one of my former bosses started to misuse and abuse (Don’t you just hate business gobbledygook?) it in almost all our team meetings. These days, when someone says that, it takes a whole lot of effort from me to keep from saying, “Can you please describe this box to me?”
Oh well, happy new year! 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Maybe the box contains all of the things other people expect us to say and do.
Happy New Year to you, too, Nel.
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Lenore Diane
January 4, 2012
Funny … while reading your post, I was – in fact – eating candy. I don’t think there is any pending doom and gloom, instead I decided to get my calcium through chocolate. Nutrition is wherever one wants to find it, eh? Works for me.
Thank you for entertaining us. Happy new year, Charles.
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
And thank you for the comment, Lenore. It was great getting to know you last year, and I look forward to another year of reading your blog.
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shamasheikh
January 5, 2012
What a brilliant way to start the new year with this ever delightfully wise and funny post of yours Charles! You have an incredible gift of bringing cheer, chuckles and laughter to so many…thank you…
Life is funny sometimes…as you age understanding this definitely comes under the knowledge is power mantra and one of mine…this too shall pass!
Hope you had a wonderful time celebrating Christmas with your family…prayers for endless joys in the coming year…
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thank you, Shama, for always saying something supportive and loving. You are one of the reasons I enjoy blogging so much. I hope 2012 treats you well.
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Marusia
January 7, 2012
Hi, Charles!
“The most important part of speaking like a native is the facial expressions and a lot of flailing arms.” Is it true? Hahahahaha! I told my English teacher about it, in order to improve my “Facish” and “Handish”!
:DDD
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
It seems to be true, but that’s based on my own limited experience. Is it true in Brazil?
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Marusia
January 25, 2012
Yes! In addition, in Brazil, it’s important to have “ginga”! (how can I explain it?… A kind of “swing-dancing”…)
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happykidshappymom
January 9, 2012
I needed this laugh today, thanks! 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thank you, Melissa. Your encouragement always means a great deal to me.
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The Sandwich Lady
January 11, 2012
I just found this and it made my day. I too am sick of all the buzzwords and conflicting advice. From now on I will take it all with a grain of salt (and an acai berry.) Thanks, Charles!
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thanks, Sandwich Lady. Have you recovered from being Freshly Pressed?
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heidit
January 12, 2012
I don’t know how I missed this post at the end of the year, but I think it’s my favourite so far. Your nuggets of wisdom are incredibly helpful, especially the one about taking a nap. When all else fails, I take a nap. And I never grow anything from a seed because I know the seeds are all secretly plotting against me.
Happy new year, Charles. I hope 2012 is an amazing year for you.
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bronxboy55
January 15, 2012
Thanks, Heidi. Yours was one of the first blogs I ever read, and it helped draw me into this incredible world of writers and readers. I hope just as much that the new year is an amazing one for you, as well.
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Amiable Amiable
January 16, 2012
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive this post!
In a Super Mammoth way!
Laughed out loud at the dryer sheet hanging out of the pants. Been there, done that. Knowledge is power AND there’s strength in numbers.
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2012
How did I miss this comment, AA? You’re still the Queen of Wordplay, and always will be.
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justoutsidetheboxcartoon
January 23, 2012
Entertaining as usual. Being outside the box is good, especially when one ‘just’ dabs one’s feet into the unknown – otherwise it would be a bummer for my website name.
Marti
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bronxboy55
January 31, 2012
You’re right. But don’t worry, Marti — no one listens to me anyway!
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buckwheatsrisk
February 23, 2012
Laughing my way through your thoughts as usual! I eat skittles, We have a Murphy Bed in our apt. we have never used…and what box?
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bronxboy55
June 7, 2012
I’m not sure how I missed this comment, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to acknowledge it. Thank you!
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Mary
June 8, 2012
Reading this blog is fun, it really means a lot. I remembered skittles, I use to eat that when I’m younger. This blog helped me eliminate some stress of mine. Thanks.
Mary from changer les cordes d’une guitare
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bronxboy55
November 5, 2012
Thanks for the comment, Mary. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.
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kerbey
July 27, 2014
I have learned about eggs and olives today. We watched The Great Muppet Caper yesterday (on VHS) and their murphy bed kept popping into the wall, with all of the muppets inside. Dangerous indeed.
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bronxboy55
July 28, 2014
Any show featuring a Murphy bed will always use it to demonstrate the inherent danger. Otherwise, why mention it at all?
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kerbey
July 28, 2014
Good pt.
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