I recently learned that there are people who have made a career out of playing video games. They earn money at this, and compete in front of large crowds. This was shocking to me at first, because shooting at imaginary characters while sneaking around and climbing through rubble doesn’t seem like a marketable skill. But some of my own early plans almost took me in a similar direction. Of course, video games didn’t yet exist; in fact, in those days electricity was still widely considered to be the work of the devil.
My goal was to become a grandmaster of chess. I’ve never told anyone this before, except my cat, and she knew how to keep her mouth shut. But I’m telling you because I trust you, and I know that if you’re going to laugh at me you’ll do it behind my back, like a real friend.
Grandmaster. It’s a glorious word. It sounds like grandmother, with the added privilege of being obnoxious and self-centered. I had assumed there was just a handful of such players in the world, but there are actually about thirteen hundred of them, which is quite a lot, if you think about it. By comparison, there are only fifty governors in the United States, and many of them seem to end up in prison, or pretending to be journalists.
Here’s a really elite group: the Blackjack Hall of Fame. It has just seventeen members! Blackjack, as you probably know, is a card game requiring players to be able to add and subtract numbers that total twenty-one. It’s much less complicated than chess, and there was a brief time when I thought about becoming a professional blackjack player. Then I found out that blackjack players were also professional gamblers, a career that requires a lot of money, and I didn’t have any. Plus, there had to be a catch, because the game seemed too simple, and how would I ever discover the secret? I was pretty sure that people who made their living in casinos weren’t going to spill the beans to some amateur looking to horn in on their action.
I could have entered Scrabble tournaments, I suppose, but you had to know a lot of weird words, such as GID, which is a disease common among sheep, and ZOEA, the larval stage of crustaceans. It occurred to me that I could practically memorize the dictionary and still lose in the semi-finals to some Biology major on a lucky streak. And I wanted nothing to do with Bingo, Uno, Yahtzee, or any of those others that required you to yell out the name of the game in order to win. That seemed like artificial excitement to me. The Super Bowl champions don’t jump up and down and scream “Football!” after scoring the winning touchdown.
So I turned to chess. It was quieter, and there was less chance of embarrassment, or ending up face-down in an alley with broken kneecaps.
Around the same time, personal computers were becoming popular, and some even came with software installed on them. One of my first computers had a game called Chessmaster. This, I was sure, was some kind of sign. I began playing several times a day. One of the nice features of Chessmaster was that you could select your opponent’s skill level. There were ten levels back then, with Newcomer being the easiest to defeat. Newcomer wasn’t just inexperienced at chess; he seemed to be unconscious. Just above that was Novice, which I believe was really Newcomer with a slightly better vocabulary. Then there was a player who seemed to be constantly distracted by something — maybe a chipmunk walking past the window — because he’d just make random moves that were so bad, even I could tell. I beat all three of these lowest-level opponents with great consistency, and eventually worked my way up to challenging the Chessmaster. At that level, I would spend fifteen minutes pondering every possible move, and then my opponent would take his turn so fast that I couldn’t even tell which piece had been played. It always gave me the feeling that he’d known what I was going to do, even before I did. This was intimidating. Also, the Chessmaster had an irritating habit of laughing out loud when he won, which was every game we played.
There are specific opening moves in chess, with names like the Queen’s Gambit and the Latvian Gambit. This word, gambit, sounds like something cute a baby clown would do, if there were baby clowns. But in truth, gambits are designed to humiliate you, right out of the box. I was already familiar with humiliation. A friend and I used to play chess a lot in high school, during lunch or study periods. He once beat me in three moves. To be really good at chess, I concluded, you have to be Russian or have a mustache or be out of your mind. I did grow a mustache in senior year, but it didn’t seem to help.The thing about chess is that you need to pay attention. My mind tends to wander, and inevitably my opponent’s bishop will sail across the board from another solar system and take my queen. When that happens, I always say the same, revealing thing: “Wow. I didn’t see that coming.” At this point, I can almost feel the other player relaxing. But the computer introduced a totally new element: You can undo your last move. This is what’s been missing in chess for centuries. The Do-Over. When I was a young stickball player, we could call a Do-Over for any number of reasons: the sun was in our eyes, the ball hit a pebble, we weren’t ready, there was a car coming, we thought someone yelled for time-out, third base was on fire, or we just wanted to talk about last night’s episode of My Favorite Martian. But chess had this ridiculous rule that once you moved a piece and took your hand away and got up to make yourself a sandwich and ate it and drank a big glass of ginger ale and went to the bathroom and came back and saw the insane way you’d left your king exposed, that it was too late and you were stuck with the move.
Here’s the weird thing. When I decided to become a grandmaster, I went out and bought a bunch of books. These were written by chess experts, and all claimed they could help me improve my performance. I studied diagrams, tried to solve chess puzzles, and examined theories in order to get a feel for tactics, strategies, and the art of the game. I rented videos of classic matches, hoping that I could learn to think like a master by watching them in action. (This proved to be another source of frustration, because chess players frequently resign rather than face checkmate. Almost always, they would do this while I was still trying to figure out who was winning.) And the more I read, the worse I got. I must have been thinking too hard, or not hard enough, or I was spending too much time wondering why the knights looked so much like horses. My skills, paltry to begin with, leaked out of me and evaporated into the air. I knew my dream was doomed when I found myself losing to Newcomer on a regular basis.
I don’t go near the chess board much anymore. In fact, I’ll only play against the cat. She’s pretty good, but her mind wanders even more than mine. When she gets up to make herself a sandwich, I steal her rook and hide it under the couch, and she never seems to notice. I call it the Meow Gambit.
Once in a while I consider pursuing some other career, but what? I don’t like climbing through rubble, I refuse to yell Yahtzee, and I’m far too feeble-minded to succeed at blackjack. Maybe I’ll run for governor.
Jac
December 14, 2011
I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that Anthony, at around age nine, fooled all of us by seeming to beat Chessmaster, after only playing a few times. I thought my kid was a veritable genius, until you figured out how he did it. So that makes me less intelligent than you. Does that take away any humiliation for you? (I guess it is still humiliating, knowing that your sister is pretty stupid, huh?) On the other hand, you have a nephew that could have made a decent living at being a con artist. Maybe the Robert Redford character in The Sting was based on him. They do both have blonde hair and blue eyes. I wonder if I can claim some residuals….?
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bronxboy55
December 15, 2011
I thought the method he came up with was an indication that he could very well have been a good chess player, too. And you’re not stupid at all. It’s just that you’re still a Gulotta at heart, and always assume the best and see things in the brightest possible light. We can’t help it. That’s just our nature.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
Did I really get away with that last part?
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Jac
December 16, 2011
You got away with it, but I almost spit out my ice cream while reading it…;-)
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Les Peter
December 15, 2011
Soooo, how did he do it? Inquiring minds want to know.
And, last time I looked, Anthony’s blond hair was pretty much dark brown. Was it lighter when he was young??
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
I tried this myself, so I know it works, and I’m pretty sure this is what he did. You start the game with a low-level opponent, and thrash him to the point where he’s left with nothing but his king and maybe a pawn or two. Then you change the opponent to Chessmaster. The board stays the same, but it now looks as though you’ve been playing at the highest level all along. At this point, you invite everyone over to watch you finish him off. It’s cheating, of course, but it also delivers a strange kind of satisfaction, as if you’re showing the Chessmaster who’s really the boss. He may be able to calculate ten billion moves in two seconds, but you can make the one move that he can’t. And isn’t that what chess is all about — taking advantage of your opponent’s weakness?
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Jac
December 16, 2011
Yes, Anthony was a tow head as a child (why the heck they call it that, I couldn’t tell you). Next time you’re over, I will show you pictures.
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O. Leonard
December 14, 2011
Reminded me about my decision to become a professional golfer. Basically I sucked, but I knew the rules. I bought books and got worse. I’m working towards the Senior Tour now. Still suck. In fact, I haven’t dusted off the clubs I refuse to give up for over 10 years. I moved them from place to place.
In college, the chess board was on the table in the living room and a game was always going on. I thought I was pretty damn good, until I played someone who could actually play in a school tournament. I think I was eliminated with Checkmate in two moves.
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bronxboy55
December 15, 2011
I used to tell people the story about studying chess and getting progressively worse, and I’d always get strange looks. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one.
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Allan Douglas
December 14, 2011
I see you’ve downgraded your aspirations from Ruler Of The World to Governor – would that be Planetary Governor? Perhaps after the Evil Empire moves a death star into the galactic neighborhood?
I used to play chess. I love your suggestion of the Do-Over. Had I had that back then, I might have been able to rise above the title of Grandstinker.
Thanks for another memorable read.
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bronxboy55
December 15, 2011
I haven’t given up on the Ruler of the World thing, Allan, but I’ve been really busy lately. I was thinking that governors seem to have a lot more free time on their hands, and I can always work my way up from there.
Thanks for the nice comment.
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Saara
December 14, 2011
I can relate to this post so much. I started playing chess this year, being influenced by a friend who is a terrific player. After repeated humiliations by the Newcomer, I am on a break (which might never end). I was more of an athlete and I guess my body worked better than my brain ever did. Oh well. These games are lame anyway.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
I’ve never really understood the basic concept of chess, which seems to be that I’m supposed to risk the lives of my other fifteen pieces in order to protect this cowardly king who can barely move and who, when attacked, runs and hides. At the same time, I’m supposed to try to kill my opponent’s other fifteen pieces so that I can trap — but not harm — his king. I say put the two kings together on the board, alone, and let them settle it themselves.
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Saara
December 16, 2011
Whenever my father would beat me and smile his victory smile, I would say, “… and so later on your army realizes that it was all a misunderstanding and everyone becomes friends. Peace prevails in the world.”
I’m never playing that game again. Not with him, at least.
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Kendrick Macdowell
December 14, 2011
You’ve taken certain liberties with Yahtzee my friend. Now there’s a true thinking man’s thoughtless diversion. And when you’ve mastered it (but not before, grasshopper), you can move to Power Yahtzee, which only requires a little higher math to calculate scores.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
I’ve taken complete liberty, Kendrick. I’ve played Yahtzee a few times in my life and never had any idea what I was doing. I get confused by games that involve more than two dice. Power Yahtzee sounds frightening.
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rangewriter
December 14, 2011
So there’s a litter of rooks hiding out under your couch instead of catnip mice? I was never smart enough to even grasp the basics of chess. My mind wandered too much to remember which moves all the different pieces were allowed to make. I’m hopeless.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
I can remember how the pieces are allowed to move, and that’s the problem. This basic knowledge gives others the impression — as it once gave me — that I could play chess. As I keep reminding my son, knowing how to operate a car is not the same as knowing how to drive.
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Diane Henders
December 14, 2011
I attempted chess for a while, but I didn’t harbour any illusions of competence. I could never think more than three moves ahead, and even if I managed three moves in my brain, my opponent’s next move immediately made them obsolete. That was usually about the time I got up to make myself a sandwich and coincidentally found something more pressing to do.
But here’s my question: How can you defeat somebody in three moves? And if you can, why doesn’t everybody do it? I mean, really. Three moves. Even I can keep that in my head. Oh, hang on, I need a sandwich first…
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Les Peter
December 14, 2011
How do you win in only 3 moves in chess?
———————————————————–
It’s really 3 moves altogether, but the only way is any-any-any-resign.
The shortest mate is by g4-e5-f3-Qh4 using prevalent notation. That’s four moves, two by each, but you are the 4th, Black winning.
It’s counted as 3, but it is the 4th wins, but you have checkmated on the 3rd.
Les Peter
——————————————————————-
December 14, 2011
If, when making your sandwich (or opponent partaking on such fine delicacies), you squirt Chinese hot mustard in your opponents eyes, you can win in 1 move (utilizing couch Hide-y-Hole Gambit).
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Les Peter
December 14, 2011
Sorry, I might have confused you……it WAS 3 moves, Checkmate impending, Opponent “Resigns” (or forfeits). If they don’t, you take their King, game over in “4” moves.
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Diane Henders
December 15, 2011
LOL! Okay, I’m going for the hot mustard now. I think that’s a move combination I can master. 🙂
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Les Peter
December 15, 2011
😉
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
I never knew it could be done, either, until it happened to me. It’s based on the simple fact that at the beginning of the game, the king is boxed in, trapped by his own army. If an opening appears in the first two moves, and that opening is vulnerable to attack, there may be no place for the king to run, and nobody there to step in front of the bullet. As Saara said, the game is lame.
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arborfamiliae
December 14, 2011
I had a brief flirtation with chess when I was younger. Like you, I played the basic computer games that were readily available in the 1980s. I don’t think I ever bought any books (but I thought about it).
Then I realized how much work chess took. Memorizing all those gambits, figuring out what your partner was going to do, remembering the rules for how all the pieces move–it made me tired. So I went back to the recliner, flipped on MTV and watched Beavis and Butthead.
At least then there were no illusions of intellectual activity, no delusions of grandeur for myself. I could live safely in the knowledge that even if I couldn’t beat the inanimate computer at chess, I could at least live better than Beavis and Butthead. On most days, anyway.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
Kevin, this may be the best illustration of why I can’t play chess: limited foresight. In my wildest imagination, I never would have pictured you watching Beavis and Butthead. It was like that bishop, once again, appearing out of nowhere and knocking me senseless.
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Elyse
December 14, 2011
Please, please, PUHLEEZE run for governor of Virginia. I will help with the gambits, and with the rubble climbing. Because the current GOP frontrunner can’t so much as SPELL “chess,” let alone see what’s coming.
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bronxboy55
December 16, 2011
That commute to Richmond every day would be tough to take. Could I work from home? Maybe I could be the first Skyping governor.
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Val
December 14, 2011
I used to play chess when I was a child. The only times I ever won was when my opponent – my uncle – fell asleep. I was that good. Hmm.
The only ‘games’ I play now are spider solitaire and freecell on the computer. And only against the program. I sometimes win at that even when the program’s still awake! 😉
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
I’ve been playing online Scrabble against my nephew and niece, and I’ve yet to win a game. Whatever happened to respecting your elders?
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Arindam
December 14, 2011
I had set uncountable number of goals for my self till now. But any of them did n’t reach the goalpost. 🙂 If someone will ask me, “What was (in my case it will be “What were” ) my goal (goals)? The list will go on and on…. When i was a school going kid, my goal was to be a driver because “if someone would have asked me whom you love the most a car or your mom?” My answer would have ” Just ask my mom she loves me or my brother the most”. Then with time goal changed to cricketer, Actor, Singer, Politician, Badminton Player, ……..Writer and movie director. But the funniest part is now i am a computer engineer.
I also tried my hands in field of chess. But against computer only, not against a single human. Because i am still proud of the fact that “although i lost to computer but i have never ever beaten by a single person living or dead. 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
That’s a great angle you’ve come up with. Now that you mention it, I’ve never lost a single polo match. I think I’ll start slipping that into conversations. Thanks, Arindam!
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MJ, Nonstepmom
December 14, 2011
My son’s elementary school had a chess club. He could beat me …well, at a humiliatingly early age. (I tried to spin it as the proud parent “oh he’s so smart”.) I often wonder if the chess experts wrote the books as a means to confuse the general public; if I were a Grand Master, I’m not so sure I’d be giving away secrets.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
You mean like when cooks leave an important ingredient out of a recipe? I never thought of that. I think you’re right, MJ. Even Chess for Dummies left me feeling inadequate.
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happykidshappymom
December 14, 2011
The Meow Gambit? Love it. Though someone ought to clue your cat in that you’re cheating! 🙂
I don’t play chess, but I think you “scored” a checkmate with this post. You took us through it with the ease of a gifted storyteller. Planning out each move, and then tying it all together in the end. This line, “When that happens, I always say the same, revealing thing: ‘Wow. I didn’t see that coming.’ At this point, I can almost feel the other player relaxing,” had me grinning. It’s as if we’re right there with you as we read along, which is what makes your posts so enjoyable.
And the do-over! How could I have forgotten about the do-over? It’s classic! Now you’ve given me something happy to think about all day. And for that, I think you earn the Bingo/Uno/Yatzee right to shout, “Blogging!”
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
Shouldn’t we all get a small number of do-overs, say, ten per year? I’m sure I’d use up my quota before March, but it would still be useful. Who do we talk to about this?
Thank you, Melissa. Your comments always seem to be more coherent and well-organized than the post your commenting on.
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magsx2
December 14, 2011
Hi,
I gave chess a go when I was much younger, I thought it would of been a game that I could be good at, but no I was totally useless at playing this game, but it was fun learning about chess.
I enjoy playing cards on the computer, mainly hearts or spades, my partner/s is always the computer, and I can tell you from experience the computer cheats. 😀
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
I agree with you, Mags. I’ve tried playing word games against the computer, until I finally realized that it knows what letters I have, it decides what letters I’m going to get, and it picks its own letters from the ones that remain. How can I possibly win?
That’s the best excuse I’ve been able to come up with so far.
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John
December 14, 2011
I tried chess for a while thinking I could be the next Bobby Fischer. Unfortunately, I turned out more like the next Eddie Fisher without the fame, talent or alimony payments.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
I thought of Jack Fisher, a pitcher for the New York Mets who, in 1965, lost 24 games. That’s a tough year.
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worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage
December 14, 2011
I think what I love about your writing (other than the writing) are 1) how unlikely your topics are and 2) how you somehow manage to collect and organize details that surely could be found no where else but the far reaches of your boyhood brain (I mean this as a compliment even though it might not sound like it).
I think you should write a book about writing.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
Julie, all I can say is, “Look who’s talking.” (Except for the boyhood brain part, of course.)
http://worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage.com/2011/12/15/dear-self-just-stop-it/
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Les Peter
December 14, 2011
Your writing and sense of self-depreciating, dry wit humor reminds me of Pat McManus, outdoor humor writer (Outdoor Life). You just gotta get a good caricature drawer, and sneak in some kind of “Nina” signature!
Keep ’em coming!
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
Thanks, Les. I’m not familiar with Pat McManus, but I’ll take it as a compliment!
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souldipper
December 14, 2011
After trying the “Teach Yourself How To Play Bridge” and seeing my dislike of memorizing cards, I plunged into Scrabble. I did well until I reached my 40s. I met a man who is a Heavy Equip Mechanic. He told me he wanted to play Scrabble with me and humbly explained that he had only completed Grade Nine. He hoped scrabble would improve his vocabulary.
Most people would have smelled the rat!
I agreed we’d lose the points if we miscalled an incorrect spelling or word. He watched all those little spaces with the high counts and played them every chance he got. When I’d challenge him, he’d say, “I’ll give you a chance to rethink that. Take a minute and really think about it.” The correct spelling flicked about my brain like a kaleidoscope.
Do I need to confess that this ‘strategist’ beat me mercilessly time and time again? Change that to ‘scammer’ and don’t call me on the word!
Every time I see the word “gean”, smoke comes out of my ears. It came out in the last game…the last word I called him on. I cracked the board over his head.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
There’s a hustler around every corner, Amy. When I play online Scrabble now, I find myself trying weird letter combinations, because it seems that everything my opponents put up there — no matter how bizarre — turns out to be a real word. So I think, “If that’s a word, then surely this must be.” But it never is.
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patricemj
December 14, 2011
“…in those days electricity was still widely considered to be the work of the devil.” Nice, made me laugh. Wish I knew how to play chess.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
It’s easy. Want me to teach you?
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madamfickle
December 14, 2011
Meow Gambit. Love it.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
Thanks, madamfickle. Feel free to use it, but remember that it only works on cats. I tried it on my son and he got all touchy about it.
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earthriderjudyberman
December 14, 2011
Loved this: “Of course, video games didn’t yet exist; in fact, in those days electricity was still widely considered to be the work of the devil.” My brother, who is 10 years younger than me, was playing chess when he was 5. If that wouldn’t deter someone, nothing would. Kudos to you for keeping at it … even if it’s only hoodwinking the cat.
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bronxboy55
December 17, 2011
He was playing chess when he was five? At fourteen, I was still trying to get the hang of connect-the-dots.
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asininetosh
December 15, 2011
Lovvvvvved it Charles 😀 especially the meow gambit…
My father introduced me to chess when I was 10 and surprisingly he would win every game (I always thought I was a Genius born to win lol) During the first few games he managed to defeat me in two flat moves! I could never figure out how lol. And he had this really annoying habit of taunting the life out of me after every game (yeah he has a moustache) Gradually as I began to improve he changed his gambit. In a losing situation he would suddenly take a dinner break and on his way back there always was some accidental nudge that would result in the pieces flying all over our living room. And I would scream my lungs out and run crying to mom 🙂 That was his favourite Torpedo Gambit 😉
However when I Think of it now, he taught me how to accept defeat. I was very bad at losing back then but he made sure I accepted defeats gracefully. He taught me the value of humility and how destructive the winning habit can become in the long run. I have improved in chess a little now but thanks to him I know how to get back up when life throws a Torpedo Gambit 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
That’s a great analogy, asininetosh. Life does have a way of firing at us just when we think we’re winning the game. But I’m still wondering about the chess matches with your Dad — have you ever beaten him?
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asininetosh
January 3, 2012
It’s been 7 or 8 years since he beat me in Chess B-) and he totally stopped playing ever since I started posting pictures of the board on facebook 😉 We do play a game or two when my camera is low on battery 😀
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Nel
December 15, 2011
I’m envious that you play (or played, albeit briefly) chess. In fact, I’m envious of anybody who can play chess. My dad tried to teach me but, like you, my mind just doesn’t stay in one zone for 15 minutes. I’d get lost, sidetracked; tended to think too much. My younger brothers beat me each time (ironic as I was considered the brood’s brainiac). Games that involved strategy don’t sit well with me.
As for the computer games that you talk about in the introduction, that’s been around for a long time now. There’s even a profession called “game tester.” What this person does is play a computer game that has just been developed (often not yet publicly released) and find glitches in the story line or in the program itself.
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
One of the things I always find intriguing is the idea that humans had to write the programming for the computer so it could play the game. What does that program look like on paper? Would it have to account for every possible move in every possible sequence?
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
December 15, 2011
I stunned my dad when I asked him to play chess when I was five years old and actually knew how to play. I had learned at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, my skill level today is no better than it was back then. I never learned strategy. So, I guess you could say I know how to move chess pieces, which isn’t exactly playing chess.
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
Knowing how to move the pieces can be the very cause of the problem, Margaret. I can speak enough Italian to know how to ask questions of native speakers, but I almost never understand the answers. That can be an even bigger problem.
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Ursula
December 15, 2011
What’s Les Peter up to? Trying to jump the queue to your heart and affection?
You do know, of course, what is wrong with you, Charles, and most of your commentators so far, don’t you. You are far too ambitious for your own good (grandmaster/mother indeed) and the others think themselves hopeless before they’ve moved so much as a tower.
One can play perfectly good chess – and enjoy it – without planning even one move ahead. Just live in the moment of imminent disaster; you may be in for a joyful surprise.
As not to appear superior to all of you I will admit that I once played a friend of mine. We were about 18. She had a mathematician’s brain. And she was calm. It was our first game together. I won. Both of us were in shock. She challenged me to a rematch. I declined: I know beginner’s luck when I see it. Later she became an eminent pathologist. And I still happily stumble across many a chess board. In the spirit of the French Revolution. Few people I will behead more than once.
Should the cat start ignoring you all together, and your only way to elusive happiness be that on Schwarzenegger’s path please count me in as part of your Public Relations team. Power to Peasants!
U
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
I’m picturing you in a chess match with a world champion player, who is completely thrown by your imminent disaster approach and is trying like mad to figure out which classic strategy you’re using. I’ve often thought that if I ever found myself in a high stakes poker game, I’d just laugh maniacally every time I looked at my cards. As for the governorship, I’d prefer a much smaller state — maybe Vermont. Less traveling, no tolls, and as far as I know, the drivers there don’t assassinate each other for failing to signal.
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envisioningutopia
December 15, 2011
Love it especially about laughing behind your back like a real friend
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
Thanks, Karen. I was wondering if everyone was going to let that slip by.
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writerwoman61
December 15, 2011
My dad taught me to play chess when I was five…never really got into it. My lack of spatial skills makes me a really bad chess player. I did just purchase a Super Mario Chess set for my son-in-law for Christmas…
I think I’d make a great online Scrabble champion…perhaps other people aren’t as smart as my buddy, Mike, who beats me about 80% of the time…a “do over” would be great to have!
Fun post, Charles!
Wendy
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
There definitely seems to be a spatial component to it, Wendy. When I played computer chess, I always preferred the flat, two-dimensional board to the realistic, three-dimensional one. It was less confusing, and I could lose in a much clearer way.
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Betty Londergan
December 15, 2011
I never play any games that make me feel stupid — which means that I have never once played chess (I’m pretty sure I’d lose to your cat). Unfortunately, my desire to avoid humiliation is matched only by my insane desire to win … which means the only game I’m really happy playing is Solitaire. Loved your post, Charles!!
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
Betty, I think if we ever played chess against each other, it would be the longest game in history. We’d be constantly allowing do-overs to help the other not feel stupid and humiliated.
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She's a Maineiac
December 15, 2011
You should run for governor here in Maine. Please?
That bit about the ginger ale and sandwich killed me, Charles! I am still wiping away the tears from that one…whew…If only other things in life had that “do over” option.
We used to have this really cool chess set that was magnetized. We’d bring it in the car on long trips and flip it upside down just for the sheer thrill of it. Never learned a single chess move. No wait, I remember that horsey doohicky guy goes in an L shape. Or maybe it was a more of an F.
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
At the risk of sounding all philosophical, Darla, you made me think about how the different chess pieces have their own perceived value. So it’s sometimes considered good strategy to sacrifice a lowly pawn, but losing our queen is a tragedy. That attitude, though unspoken, is what underlies our basic approach to war.
And I’ll run in Maine if you promise to be my diction coach.
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heidit
December 15, 2011
I tried Chess a few times but my problem is that I can’t remember which pieces can carry out the various movements. This isn’t so bad when you’re playing against a child and can convince her that you know what you’re doing (while simultaneously changing the rules at will) but when play against someone who has even the slightest inkling of what’s going on, you’re hooped. Plus, I have the distractability of a cat who has just downed a few ounces of catnip, so my opponent could really remove approximately half my pieces while I wasn’t looking and I’d never be any the wiser.
That’s why I stick to card games. Like Rummoli. Because if you give your opponents enough alcohol, they’ll be almost as distracted as you are.
I think we actually had the Chessmaster computer game. I generally gave up approximately two moves in, usually in favour of doing housework, which I found infinitely more interesting. My dad loves Chess and tried to get me into it. He said the key was to be able to see four moves ahead. My problem was that I was so focused on figuring out who could do what, that I couldn’t even see my next move, let alone four moves ahead.
Fantastic post, as usual, Charles. Thanks for the laughs.
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
I have the same problems, Heidi. Actually, I could see four moves ahead — but my opponent would never make the four moves I was seeing. When I realized I’d never find anyone who knew the right moves, I retired from the game. And I’ve never heard of Rummoli, but it sounds delicious.
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writingfeemail
December 16, 2011
I imagine you’d be wildly successful at any venture. And with the holidays upon us, we can now all imagine our prodigy training for their new careers instead of wasting time with control pads and such nonsense as we normally refer to their games. Merry Christmas.
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2011
I sometimes wonder what it’s like, trying to decide on a career these days. What will people be doing in ten years, or even in five? It must be confusing and exciting at the same time.
Merry Christmas to you, too, Renee. I hope the new year is a good one for you.
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bladenomics
December 16, 2011
I grew up with a delusion that anything I began I would become the grandmaster at it. I thought my word would be the last word on the subject and everyone was going to interview my opinion. This post reminds me of my futile attempts at tennis. I figured one thing- As a teenage girl, I was too conscious to run. Or maybe I just couldn’t run. But I could run faster than what was needed on court, on a cardio machine at the women’s gym I went to. I got very offended when someone didn’t serve it right to me. 😀 My tennis coach wanted me to drop badminton/Shuttle coz that would make worsen tennis. Now at 23,I ve ended up being a loser at both badminton and tennis. Should resume them both someday and get a hang of it, hopefully.
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2011
I guess that delusion is a good place to start anything, as long as you’re prepared for the reality that, in most cases, it will prove to be just that: a delusion. How boring life would be if we were all good at everything. Thanks for the comment, bladenomics.
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Spiritual Implications
December 16, 2011
Wonderful, wonderful. I especially love the do-over bit; my dad taught me to play chess when I was a kid and he used to let me take back the phenomenally bad moves if I was willing to sit through his explanation of why they were phenomenally bad. Of course, he’d also start games “handicapped,” i.e. missing a piece (or several) so that he didn’t have all his firepower to throw at me from the start.
Many years later, I can beat him sometimes at full strength. Usually when he’s been working all day and is half asleep. But that still counts, right?
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
I’d say that definitely counts. He had a head start of a couple of decades, didn’t he? His being a little tired only begins to balance that out.
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shamasheikh
December 16, 2011
Grandmaster likened to Grandmother…love that…I can give myself grandmaster airs now…the Grandmaster Grandmother 🙂
Love your giving us these absolutely marvelously thought provoking and humorous posts, regularly…so if there is one thing we ‘cannot’ say to you for this is…Wow. I didn’t see that coming!
The Scrabble enthusiast in me thanks you for the interesting Scrabble words…
Great post as always…
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
And I thank you, Shama, for the thoughtful and kind words you always have, for me and others. I have no doubt you’re a Grandmaster at a lot of things.
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lostnchina
December 16, 2011
When you say “Grandmaster” I’m thinking, “Grandmaster Flash”, the hip-hop musician from the 70s and 80s. And then you’re talking about “My Favorite Martian”, which makes think of “Mork and Mindy”.
I think what this post has done – besides making me grateful I had never learned to play chess decently, because it IS addictive in its competitiveness (I’m a Scrabble person myself and the key is to play with ESL speakers, with whom you can make up words) – is make me feel kinda old.
Thanks, Charles…for both the post and for making me remember how old I am.
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
My Favorite Martian was way before Mork and Mindy. Does that make you feel any better?
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dearrosie
December 16, 2011
Interesting to read how many people tried to learn chess but weren’t successful because their minds wander too much. Perhaps we should start a society of the wandering minds… but I don’t know what we’d do because our minds like to wander ….
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bronxboy55
December 26, 2011
The meetings would be really long.
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Govind
December 18, 2011
Charles, shall I just say that I am in the same board……err boat. 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
You’re waiting for me to say, “Welcome a-board,” aren’t you?
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Govind
December 20, 2011
I am just saying ‘Check me out Mate’
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Priya
December 19, 2011
Thank you for writing this, Charles. I spent most of my life thinking I must be the only one with no chess-excelling bone in me. This, and some of the readers’ comments tells me I can come out of the closet. WooHoo!
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
No, that closet is pretty crowded, Priya. I think it’s just that most of us have more important things to think about, so it’s hard to focus on something as pointless as chess.
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zoesays
December 19, 2011
ZOEA’s an acceptable word? I’m so trying this on Words With Friends the next time I get those letters!
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2011
I think it has to do with some obscure and little-known rule that allows each player to add a vowel to the end of their own name. So your opponents wouldn’t get away with ZOEA. But say you’re playing against your friend Ralph. He could use RALPHU, while you couldn’t. I hope that clears it up.
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Amiable Amiable
December 20, 2011
Sadly, I am aware that one can be a professional video game player. Not because I aspire to be one, but because my youngest offered this as his “plan” after earning his academic dismissal from college. By “plan,” I mean that he felt this could be his job. I reacted in much the same way that I react, like you, to loud-talking passionate people. My skull vibrated.
About a year ago, a friend gave me what she said is a wonderful book. I don’t know because I still haven’t read it – beyond the back cover. For whatever reason, I haven’t had time to read any books in the last 12 months. But I thought you might be interested in learning about it, if you aren’t already aware or haven’t already read it: The Art of Learning, by Josh Waitzkin. He was the subject of the book and the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer. I’ll mail it to you, if you’re interested!
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
It sounds good. I really like that movie, so I’ll get the book. Don’t mail it, AA: the postage will cost you more than I’d have to pay for the book.
Happy New Year, Blud!
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StarGazer
December 20, 2011
I used to be a passionate chess player, with wins and losses, back in school and high school. And by passionate I mean that I was always demanding a do-over when things didn’t go my way, usually ’cause it was still a learning process for me. Thankfully there were always one or two schoolmates that knew as much as I did about chess… or even more and they would always put up with me if there was a move I didn’t know about. But the experience that is marked on my mind is the following one… See, I once had a game with a boy in summer vacations. He was a champion in a regional championship (I had no idea there was championships about chess, until I met him!). I could tell by his opening that I was so out of my league with him! For some reason I was so scared facing him that I could actually feel my brain getting numb. I couldn’t think about thinking, much less think about my moves. So after my very first move he could pull a Checkmate! He realized that something was wrong and was kind enough to give me a do-over but I was too proud to take it. Besides, I knew there was no hope and that it’d be much more frustrating to try to keep up with him.. Thing is he was so polite that he didn’t even laugh at me. At least not in my face!
And I don’t like playing against my pc. It’s boring. I think computers are unable to explain the rules in an understandable way. Plus, my mind is also wondering too much to focus on something (to be exact, on anything). But absorbing things by listening to others works pretty good for me.
I hear and I remember. I read and I forget! That’s pretty much why I never bothered to buy a book in order to learn… well, anything! I like reading, because it helps me keeping my imagination on edge. 😀
p.s. I’m truly SORRY for this long comment… 😦
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
I think one way to improve at chess — or maybe most things — is to play against someone who’s just a little better than you, and who’s willing to explain which moves are preferable, and why.
Your comments are welcome anytime and at any length.
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Mitch Mitchell
December 20, 2011
Mitch and I play email chess, and I’ve won… once. Yes, I’m taking that one win and I’m gloating over it because he’s way above me. However, if I had my way I’d want to be a poker master, mainly because you get to beat more people, there’s more action so it’s harder to get bored (though it can happen) and you have a chance to get on ESPN. 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
You’re a brave man. I wouldn’t challenge Mitch to anything.
And how does email chess work?
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Yulia
December 20, 2011
Amazing that some one can win within three moves! On the other hand, I might be defeated within three moves 😀
My father and my brothers love to play chess. They are quite good in playing chess 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 27, 2011
The amazing thing about the three-move loss is that it happened to me more than once. In fact, it happened quite a few times. And they were always the same three moves. That should’ve been my first clue that I wasn’t going to leave my mark on the chess world.
Thanks for reading, Yulia!
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Melinda
December 28, 2011
Ha ha I remember that game.That was about the only good game available on the first home computers. I don’t think I got past the lower levels. I, too, would have been easily distracted by something outside the window. My father loves chess and takes it very seriously, but I wasn’t born with the patience gene required to think about a move for 15 minutes. My rash moves drive him crazy.
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Melinda
December 31, 2011
I shared this with my Dad who was visiting this week and he got a good chuckle at the levels of players. He completely agrees. 🙂
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bronxboy55
July 20, 2012
Melinda, I’ve taken a long time to respond to some comments, but this must be a new record.
I played chess against my eighteen-year-old son a few weeks ago and he crushed me. Twice. They were very short games, too. I never see that bishop coming until it’s too late.
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icedteawithlemon
January 8, 2012
Another great post! I’ve never had the inclination to learn chess (in part because I know I would never have the patience to play chess), but I love Scrabble and have always considered myself fairly competent (a certain degree of vocabulary competence should be expected from a former English teacher, don’t you think?)–until recently when I started playing an online word game with a former student. I SHOULD be annihilating him, but his Roman Catholic upbringing (Latin, anyone?) combined with his science/engineering/computer background have produced words I’ve never even seen–words that have left me scrambling over to dictionary.com for proof. Thank you for “GID” and “ZOEA”–two more words I’ve never encountered but have every intention of using in our next match. And when I am able to knock him from his pedestal, I will think of you and smile!
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2012
I rarely win at Scrabble, partly because I’m more attracted to long and unusual words than to the high-scoring ones. I have no idea what the chess problem is.
Sorry this reply took so long, Karen.
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mostlikelytomarry
January 20, 2012
Awesome post!!! So funny. Since I discovered the “do over” in mahjong, I have become quite the master!
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bronxboy55
July 23, 2012
I’ve never played mahjong, Tammy. It sounds complicated.
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Amira
June 15, 2012
Lol @ the last image.
Well, this pictures and post made my day, no wonder~ it entertained me a lot. I only know chess and don’t know any other games that you’ve mentioned. I still don’t get how to play black jack.
Amira from attache tétine personnalisée
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bronxboy55
November 5, 2012
It’s just my opinion, but I think you’re much better off not knowing how to play black jack.
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