There are some things that just aren’t a good idea. Alligator wrestling, for example, would be near the top of my list. Iceberg climbing also comes to mind, as does cliff diving and running with the bulls. Jumping the fence at the zoo to get some close-up shots of gorillas picking flies off each other may not be a smart move. Eating wild mushrooms because of their pretty colors could prove regrettable. And leave to the professionals anything that involves plumbing, wallpaper, or “the world’s hottest peppers.”
The truth is, I’ve been making less-than-ideal choices for most of my life. When I was little, we lived in a three-story brick house, with a similar building right next-door; between them was a gap about eight inches wide. One day the ball I was playing with bounced into that gap. If I could travel back in time and do things differently, I would leave the ball there and go find something else to play with. That isn’t what I did. Fortunately I got stuck with my head turned to the left, so I was facing the street and people walking by could hear my screams. A few years later, I found myself rolling down a steep hill in a steel barrel. It was something my older cousins, had they been wiser, would have dissuaded me from attempting.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I tried horseback riding. This seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but as it turned out, it was not. Even now, decades later, I still discover an occasional pebble or bit of tree bark in some unexpected place while showering.
I found out the hard way that ironing in the nude is a terrible idea. It may save you a minute or two, but the time you gain will not make up for the unsightly scorch marks you’ll suffer in the process. I don’t really want to go into any more detail about this, but believe me, if you must iron while naked, do not press that steam button.
Sometimes we’re told that we just need to “bite the bullet.” I don’t know a lot about bullets, but I do know that I cracked a tooth on a raw carrot once, and they’re not even that hard. Carrots are almost never used in assassinations or mob-related slayings. If there’s really a situation in which I would be required to bite a bullet, I hope I can continue to avoid it. Keeping my nose to the grindstone also seems like a pretty uncomfortable thing to do, and at least somewhat pointless.
* * * * *
When I’m in one of my insomnia periods, I have a Celine Dion album that will usually put me to sleep. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the last three songs on that CD. And if the radio plays My Heart Will Go On while I’m driving, I have to pull over until it’s finished. This is a lesson I learned long ago. I had gone to a hypnotist to help me relax, and she recorded the session so I could practice self-hypnosis before bed. After leaving her office, which was about twenty miles away, I listened to the tape in the car as I was driving on I-95 in Connecticut; it took me eleven hours to get home.
Once in a while we can come to understand that something may be a bad idea without having to learn a painful lesson. For example, Saturday morning cartoons taught me that it’s never advisable to take a saw and cut a circle around yourself in the floor. Admittedly, that situation has come up no more than two or three times in my life, but still, I made the right decision each time.
* * * * *
These experiences have given me a stronger insight into activities that simply may not be a good idea. A few weeks ago at the bookstore, I spotted a book called Robot Building for Dummies. I had an immediate reaction: Do we want dummies building robots? I’m not sure I even want dummies building dummies. What kind of robots would they build? Dumb ones, I’d imagine. What if the dumb robots started reproducing, building clones of themselves? Each generation would get less and less intelligent. Eventually, we’d have to teach the robots how to tie their shoes and do long division. Human factory workers would be back to filling ketchup bottles and hot-gluing car bumpers together by hand. And that would not be progress.
I guess the point is, we all have to be smarter. We need to identify bad ideas and avoid them, before they turn into problems. Here’s a little advice for any man who’s getting married in the near future: Remember that brides in the middle of wedding plans have no sense of humor whatsoever. If you’re the groom and you have any intention of making jokes — pretty much about anything but especially about the wedding — you may want to consider saving yourself a lot of pain and just staple your mouth closed right now. Or you could try cliff diving, or biting the bullet. Even climbing in with the gorillas would be considerably safer.
One more thing. If you don’t like pumpkin pie (in other words, if you’re a normal, clear-thinking adult), it isn’t a good idea to go around telling everyone about it. Apparently, there’s a chemical in pumpkin that builds up gradually in the body and causes people to become argumentative and irrational. This is just one more reason to not eat pumpkin pie (in addition to the fact that it has the consistency of wet plaster and tastes like body lotion). But really, it may be wise to let all of that go unsaid. Take my word for it.
Hippie Cahier
March 9, 2011
Wrestling with alligators who eat pumpkin pie seems like a very unwise idea, then. Great pictures!
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
Thanks, Hippie, but I don’t think even alligators would eat pumpkin pie.
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Marie M
March 9, 2011
Congratulations on making the right decision about that saw and circle idea–and more than once, too! Love the advice to the groom-to-be to staple his mouth closed–sounds like wisdom learned by experience! And I am not even going to comment on the pumpkin pie issue. I seem to recall some previous “discussions.” Thanks again for the giggles and for sharing some of what goes through that mind of yours.
PS: Hippie Cahier, I love your name. I’m not sure why, but I do. Thanks.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
I may have learned more from Bugs Bunny than I did in our four years of high school. Thanks for the comment, Marie.
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Jessica Sieghart
March 9, 2011
You know what else is a bad idea? Using a Slip N Slide as an adult. It says that adults shouldn’t use it right on the box, but it looked so fun that I had to try it. I slipped and slid, but then couldn’t move for a week without wailing. Not good. Still probably not as risky as naked ironing, though. The things some people do to save time….We had our brand new oven for two days when my daughter decided to “save time” by cooking a frozen pizza on our 1 inch thick plastic cutting board. It took me a week to scrape the melted plastic out of the oven. I think there should be a law against saving time with hot things. 😉
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
I’m sure I would’ve tried the Slip & Slide, too, and probably with the same results. I love that plastic cutting board incident — were you able to salvage the pizza, I hope?
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shoreacres
March 10, 2011
I often laugh at your pieces because of their gentle absurdity, but tonight I’m laughing because… well, because you nailed one that I’ll bet even you didn’t think was real. Lookie here, from a blog entry I ran across earlier:
Today I continued work on the designs for a robotic-device that is specifically intended to fix other Robots. The in-house design project nickname is “Repair-Bot” and its first job is to maintain and repair itself… Its next job is to build and repair other Repair-Bots… Its final job is to use its own A.I. in combination with human commands from a remote location to repair and build other mechanical and electronic devices….
I’m dropping the link to the eye-glazing post only as proof that it’s real. And you’ve already got the guy’s number. That’s why you’re so wonderful – we can count on you to prepare us for dealing with these things!
3-D Printing in Outer Space
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
Linda, I recall listening to a radio talk show sometime in the past year, and the guest speaker was discussing the possibility of using a 3-D printer to reproduce human internal organs. I knew I’d been having trouble keeping up with the latest technology, but I had no idea how far behind I’d fallen. I still have trouble scanning a picture of my cat and they’re printing out kidneys and spleens.
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
March 10, 2011
I am amazed by how similar you and my brother were as kids. He got his head stuck in a wrought iron fence. The only place I ever got my head stuck was in a book. 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
There’s a subtle implication in your comment, Margaret, but I’m pretty sure I understood it. You’re saying that your brother and I had sharp and inquisitive minds, while you could never seem to break out of your dull and predictable routine. I can imagine how intimidating that must feel. Nice job, though, not taking the bait on the pumpkin pie thing.
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
March 10, 2011
Did someone say pumpkin pie? 😉
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Mitchell Allen
March 10, 2011
Charles, there is no reason on this earth to fear dumb robots. Sure, they’ll put us all out of work and wind up trying to turn us into their personal power source. But, at the last minute, the stupid lunks will force us to lie toe to toe and the electricity will not flow…
On the other hand, I might be as muddled as a fifth-grade robot, because I love pumpkin pie.
Cheers,
Mitch
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
Mitch, I’m not worried about the robots that will put us out of work. I’m worried about the ones that’ll be hanging around at the mall and holding up the line at the post office.
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Snoring Dog Studio
March 10, 2011
You are the funniest person I know. And if I could go back and follow you on your misadventures, I would. I needed a laugh today. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
I have a feeling there would have been even more misadventures if you had been there, SDS.
(That was supposed to be a compliment, but I don’t think it came out right.)
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Snoring Dog Studio
March 10, 2011
By the way, your aversion to pumpkin pie can only be traced back to some mishap you suffered with it during childhood. Did your mom put the whole raw pumpkin onto a pie shell and bake it that way? Did you try to see what it would be like to put your head inside a pumpkin and wear it for Halloween? Let’s get to the bottom of this and turn this aversion around.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
See? Argumentative and irrational. Why are you bringing my mother into this? I see no reason to assume that I had some kind of mishap as a child. I may have put my head inside a pumpkin, but I was well into my thirties by then. And anyway, I like my aversions.
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Snoring Dog Studio
March 10, 2011
Perhaps you’ve simply blocked that memory. It’s understandable. The sheer numbers of all your other mishaps do make it difficult to keep track. And, do I suspect correctly that you konked your head a couple of times, which might contribute to memory loss? Sorry about impugning your ma. I’m sure you didn’t get your haplessness from her.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
I may have konked my head a few times. I don’t remember. As far as my haplessness, I got that from my father; I got my hopelessness from my mother. There’s also a trace of helplessness, but I’m not sure where that came from. I really like the word konked.
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Sarah
March 10, 2011
Charles, Thanks so much for the hearty laugh early on a Thursday. After only a few weeks, I’ve already learned to look forward to midweek, when I can read a new post from you. Now do you see why you had such an, um, “interesting” childhood? It was all blog material! I’m with you on the cliff diving–and especially the pumpkin pie. Several years ago, when I lived in CO, I spent Thanksgiving with dear friends. After dinner, I discovered that there were five pumpkin pies for dessert–and nothing else. Clearly, those people were of the opinion that Thanksgiving and pumpkin pie go hand-in-hand. For me, though, just looking at it turns my stomach. Everyone thought I was skipping dessert because I was watching my waistline. (Meanwhile, good manners kept me from telling them the truth; and that as far as I was concerned, it just wasn’t Thanksgiving without apple pie.) 😉
Thanks again for a pleasant start to my day!
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
Five pumpkin pies, yet you still refer to these people as dear friends. You’re a bigger person than I am, Sarah. (But then, I’ve always known that.)
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Amiable Amiable
March 10, 2011
Stuck in my head: the image of you stuck between two homes, watching people go by and screaming for help. I’m sorry I’m laughing at your pain again, Charles. But, that is hysterical.
As is the ironing story, which I had to read out loud, as usual, because my husband wanted to know why I was cracking up. Again. Speaking from bad ironing experiences, I hope that the iron didn’t get knocked off the board in the steaming process and, more importantly, that you did not try to catch it in your bare hands. I have many other scars on my hands from doing foolish things with hot items. This is why I hate chores and cooking. Or maybe I’m just frightened and traumatized about doing either. Lucky for you, because there’s very little chance I’d ever make a pumpkin pie for you. In fact, ice cream. It’s what’s for dessert.
Okay, so now I’ve got to go cancel my alligator wrestling lesson. Have a good day! Don’t do anything silly!
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
Ice cream is perfect, AA, and there’s virtually no chance of burning yourself. (Although I sometimes warm mine in the microwave for a few seconds, just to give it a little layer of melty-ness. That does open the window a bit for the possibility of a domestic accident.)
Good thinking on the alligator wrestling. Watch this:
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Amiable Amiable
March 14, 2011
I’m feeling much better about the alligator wrestling lesson refund now. Thank you, Charles, from the bottom of my heart and, particularly, from all of my limbs.
I saw a video recently where a guy pried open an alligator’s mouth and stuck his head inside. Then the alligator’s jaws clamped shut on his head. Surprise! Why, I ask you? Why?
Honestly, if I were given a choice of spending downtime by A) eating a pumpkin pie that tasted like body lotion, or B) wrestling with or sticking my head in the mouth of an alligator, I would choose A. I mean, wouldn’t you?
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bronxboy55
March 15, 2011
I would definitely choose A. I’m not sure I can think of a single reason to ever go near an alligator, unless it was threatening to harm someone. And even then, it would have to be someone I really liked a lot.
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notesfromrumbleycottage
March 10, 2011
I am so lucky no one is in the office today. This is a keeper!
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
Thanks. So is your recent post about reading with your son:
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She's a Maineiac
March 10, 2011
Dumb robots and pumpkin pie? All good in my book. Then again, I thought it was a swell idea to throw a four foot long metal rod into the spokes of my brother’s bike while he was riding it.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
We did that, too, only we used broom handles. It’s a wonder we’re not all dead, or at least seriously maimed.
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mirroredImages
March 10, 2011
Wondering how you got un-wedged from between the two houses…? Also sort of wondering what makes a person think ironing while naked is at all something to be attempted (of course this from someone who doesn’t iron at all, clothed or otherwise). Haha on the “pointless nose” bit with the grindstone — I suppose keeping anything to a grindstone would, indeed, be a flattening experience.
How much body lotion have you consumed in your life, by the way?
Funny post. I like what shoreacres called it — “gentle absurdity.” You’re sort of a master at that.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
I don’t remember getting myself stuck or how I got unstuck. I know only that I didn’t get myself out of there, because I couldn’t move my arms. In my little Catholic boy fantasy world, just as I slipped into unconsciousness, Michael the Archangel descended from the sky, placed his hands on my shoulders, lifted me to freedom, and gently delivered me onto the sidewalk. More likely, though, one of the neighbors got tired of my wailing, jerked me out by the hair, and told me if I ever did that again they’d leave me in there to rot.
The ironing incident happened only once. I must have been in a big hurry and going somewhere important. And I haven’t consumed much body lotion at all — just enough to make the connection.
Thanks, Julia. It’s always great to hear from you.
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Betty Londergan
March 10, 2011
I still have the scar on my stomach from an ill-advised naked ironing venture, so I’m giving that up for Lent, along with cliff diving and hypnosis. I feel holier already!
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
Seriously? You have a scar? You’re telling me I’m not the only one who’s done this? Thank you, Betty. Even if you’re just kidding, thank you!
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icedteawithlemon
March 10, 2011
Thank you for the much-needed laugh! I, too, have had scarring issues (physically and emotionally) with a hot iron, so I feel your pain!
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
Thanks, Iced Tea. I hope your week ended on a good note.
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Kevin Glew
March 10, 2011
Robot Building for Dummies — that had me rolling on the floor. That is classic. Another great piece, Charles. Very funny. I hope you plan to release a compilation of these blog entries in book form one day.
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bronxboy55
March 10, 2011
Thanks, Kevin. And just in case you thought I was kidding:
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Jess Witkins
March 10, 2011
I loved the cartoon of the robots made by dummy robots. Again, good call on the decision making regarding sawing a whole in the floor around you. Sorry about the naked ironing. I would add to your list that toddlers shouldn’t stick their fingers in that slider metal piece used to hold a screen door open. That one left a scar.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
I was always afraid of that slider thing, too. Getting it to lock into place always required some risky finger placement, as you well know.
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Linda Paul
March 10, 2011
Strange as it may seem, Charles is not the only person in the world who avoids pumpkin pie. I’m right there with him. Okay, maybe neither of us is quite right in the head….
I wonder why so many little boys get their body parts stuck in bizarre locations? Maybe little boys should be born with whiskers, like cats, so they could judge how wide their body (parts?) are? Or is that an old wive’s tale?
Delightful post, Charles. I envy your funny bone.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
My mother used to tell me the same thing about cat whiskers. It seems to be true, but I doubt it would have stopped me.
We need to form some kind of alliance against the pumpkin pie people (the PPP). We’re definitely outnumbered.
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writerwoman61
March 10, 2011
This was a brilliantly funny piece, Charles! I was laughing so hard, Jim and Anna thought I’d lost my mind! I e-mailed it to them so they could read it.
Many years ago, when I was young and stupid(er), our apartment was infested with fleas from a visiting relative’s dog. I went to the store and got special flea spray to fumigate the apartment. The directions said to spray it in the vacuum cleaner bag, which I did…then I turned the vacuum cleaner on. The explosion blew the filter off the top of my ancient Electrolux…it must have gone 6 feet in the air! Luckily, there was no fire!
Your aversion to pumpkin is noted…you should meet my friend, Omawarisan…he hates pumpkin too, and you and he have the same absurd sense of humour:
Wendy
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
No doubt the fleas survived the explosion. I’m glad no one was hurt.
I hadn’t seen Omawarisan’s post, but there’s a line in mine that matches his almost word-for-word. (He published his five months before I did, so I guess I should shut up about it.)
Thanks, Wendy.
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Allan Douglas
March 10, 2011
Oh… we’re not supposed to eat those really pretty mushrooms? But they’re so nice looking in a salad! I wondered why my party guests so often don’t came back.
You certainly did have a lot of adventures as a youngster. I have to wonder if your parents had gone grey well before their time. Have I ever mentioned that I built a robot when I was eight? He wasn’t a very smart robot, definately not 3-CPO but he was entertaining and my Grandpa thought it was quite an accomplishment. But Grandpa was easily amused. I haven’t thought about that in years, but your dummy robots section brought that back.
As always; a very entertaining set of vignettes. Thanks!
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
I think your robot story would make an excellent post, Allan, maybe for “Way Back Whensdays.”
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arborfamiliae
March 11, 2011
Unfortunately it seems that no matter how much we identify bad ideas, avoiding them is impossible. I’m not sure if this is because it’s usually our parents doing the identifying, or if there’s some flaw in human nature that inexorably draws us toward bad decisions.
I think one good way to avoid bad decisions is to watch what sort of environment we put ourselves in. And anything involving nudity and hot, steaming metal is just asking for trouble.
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bronxboy55
March 11, 2011
Kevin, I wonder if we’re lulled into using bad judgment by all of the times we made unwise decisions and got away with it. Sooner or later the gamble will backfire, but we never know when; by the time we do know, it’s usually too late.
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
March 11, 2011
Charles: I’d venture to say “making less-than-ideal choices” has been a good thing. Look at all the blog posts you’ve gotten out of life’s little blunders. Please, keep up the bad choices, for the sake of your readers who glom on to every funny word you write. Have a good weekend.
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bronxboy55
March 12, 2011
Speaking of funny words, thank you for reminding me of glom, which has always been one of my favorites. I appreciate your thoughtful comments, EOS. I hope you’re having a good weekend, too.
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Gwen
March 11, 2011
LOL, that was an enjoyable read… All of my bad ideas don’t sound so bad now..except for the one. I once married a man named Tuffy Love. I’ll never make that mistake again. 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 12, 2011
“I once married a man named Tuffy Love. I’ll never make that mistake again. ”
And now, neither will I. Thanks, Gwen, for the warning and the comment.
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TexasTrailerParkTrash
March 11, 2011
Your post brought back fond memories of when our cat poked its head into the opening of a wooden birdhouse my brother had made and then couldn’t get back out again. My brother had to saw the house in half while the cat yowled and my mother stood by wringing her hands.
Although, it was a nice change from me being the brunt of all of my brother’s teasing and practical jokes. Here’s another thing not to do: don’t believe your brother when he says you can have what’s left over from his lemonade stand. I trustingly accepted the proffered Dixie cup and quickly found out it was filled with gutter water from the street. He and his friend thought that was a real knee-slapper.
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bronxboy55
March 12, 2011
I wonder what your brother would have done if it had been your head stuck inside the birdhouse. You might not be here today to tell the lemonade story.
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magsx2
March 13, 2011
Hi,
Very good advise about the iron, especially the steam button. 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 13, 2011
Thanks, magsx2. Just doing my bit to alleviate some of the world’s suffering.
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oh
March 13, 2011
I’m glad I find this blog again! I haven’t been here in ages (thought I’d saved it as a fave) and anyway, just want to say that this made me laugh out loud (which is something I’ve done long before the (in)famous LOL.
Especially the part about the groom (brides have no sense of humor -true!) and I anticipate one in our family soon! and ALSO about the pumpkin pie. Really? You don’t like it? Never thought about it the way you described it and now I’m afraid I will think “body lotion” every time. Drat.
Hope Spring bursts soon upon your northern clime!
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bronxboy55
March 15, 2011
Thanks, Oh, for the nice comment and the Spring wishes. But I think your kind words will have to keep me warm for a while.
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carldagostino
March 14, 2011
This post puts you right up there in the Dave Barry/Garrison Keillor class. May I add you to my blog roll? One of the dumb things I did was drink a fifth of vodka a day for 35 years and think there would not be all kinds of dreadful consequences and I was able to delude myself into thinking all the dreadful consequences were not dreadful consequences. (clean and sober 9 years Mar. 2. ). Had 2 unsuccessful marriages so that’s a no-no on my list. Thinking that the congress knows what they are doing is pretty stupid and so is jumping off a three story building and yelling “Geronimo” because you won’t get the G out before you hit the ground. Yep. I did that. The dumbest thing I ever did was wear a Miami Dolphins jersey going onto the Flamingo Bar in 1985 in Buffalo, New York. Lucky to be alive.
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bronxboy55
March 15, 2011
I don’t know, Carl. The three-story building sounds worse than the bar in Buffalo; then again, I wasn’t there. I’m glad you survived both, and congratulations on the nine-year milestone.
I appreciate the Garrison Keillor comparison, but honestly, he’s in a class by himself. And I would be honored if you added me to your blogroll; I intend to add you to mine.
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Melinda
March 17, 2011
Oh my just simply hysterical. I was wondering what the one or two situations were that you were tempted to cut a circle around yourself? I’m going to assume it wasn’t while alligator wrestling in the artic. Robots for dummies lol!! I learned not to demonstrate a cartwheel if you are over 30 years old because you will pull muscles you didn’t know existed and the reality isn’t as graceful as what you thought you could do. That was a delightfully funny read as always.
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bronxboy55
March 28, 2011
I never really learned how to do a cartwheel when I was younger, so I have no reason to try one now. But really, the robot book is in print, just waiting to be ordered or purchased by absolutely anyone.
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