I’ve always been fascinated by the work of inventors. It’s such a creative act, bringing into existence something that changes how people live. The resulting product often integrates itself into our world to such a degree that it becomes difficult to imagine a time when it didn’t exist.
They say necessity is the mother of invention. But what about all of those things we create for no better reason than we simply want them? Or because we wonder if we could create them? Or because we just have nothing else to do? In addition to a mother, invention seems to have an extended family, including a weird uncle called Curiosity.
Could I make it as an inventor? I have an inquiring mind. I sometimes put on a pair of fleece sweatpants, walk around really fast, then go into a dark room and take off the pants just so I can see the sparks of static electricity. This, I tell myself, is the sign of a curious seeker of knowledge. It could just as well be, I answer back, the sign of a madman. An argument usually follows and occasionally a great altercation ensues, often escalating to fisticuffs. This doesn’t help things at all, because I hate that word, fisticuffs. What a pathetic word. It doesn’t sound at all like what it’s supposed to mean. When I hear fisticuffs, I think of men in tuxedoes swatting each other with white gloves. It reminds me of a word I used to see in my social studies textbooks: foodstuffs. What in the world are foodstuffs? Wouldn’t the word food serve the same purpose? Peoples is another one. And monies. I think they used four-year-olds to write those textbooks.
* * * * *
A few years ago I was in a London hotel room. I had a heating pad with me, because I had ruptured a disc in my lower back and was in a lot of pain. I used the heating pad in the airports and it helped me survive the ordeal of travel.
In the room, I plugged the heating pad into an electrical outlet clearly labeled, “For electric shavers ONLY.” What could possibly happen? That’s what I was asking myself when I turned on the switch and caused the explosion, a rather loud one, although any explosion in a hotel room tends to be unexpectedly noisy. A thick cloud of black smoke shot out from the outlet and sent a stream of soot across the nearby bedspread. I didn’t actually see the smoke and soot until I opened the door, because the room immediately went dark. When I went down to the front desk to explain what happened, they didn’t seem to understand that I was apologizing for something that was my own fault. The hotel manager came out and began apologizing to me. I tried again to explain, but he continued to tell me how sorry he was, and arranged for someone on staff to move me to a different room. It took five tries to find a room with working electricity. Apparently I had knocked out power to the entire floor. When I checked out three days later, the desk clerk again apologized for any inconvenience. I considered demanding that they replace my heating pad, but felt way too guilty.
We wandered off the subject a bit there, but see, that’s another sign of a great inventor: the ability to stray from the original topic and somehow find your way back. There are great leaps involved in this business of creation. Which leads us to bungee jumping. How was this activity invented? Was it a process of trial and error? Were lives lost in the pursuit of this noble goal of throwing oneself off a bridge and dangling upside-down by a rubber band? What about pole vaulting? What happened to the first guy who ever tried that? I assume it was a man:
“Honey, you know I’ve been working hard on my latest invention, right? Well, I think I’ve got something. What I did was, I set up a stick about fifteen feet in the air and parallel to the ground. Then I run full-speed with this long pole, shove one end of it into a hole, and bend the pole so it can slingshot me up and over the stick. There’s a big bag of feathers on the other side and I land on that, usually. When I get really good at it, I’ll raise the stick and try again. I think this is going to make us rich.”
It had to be a man, didn’t it? I can’t imagine those words coming out of a woman’s mouth. For one thing, most women don’t have that kind of free time on their hands.
* * * * *
One day I noticed that many breakfast foods come pre-cooked and frozen. Waffles, for example, as well as pancakes, bacon, and even eggs. But not toast. I find this odd, don’t you? I’m thinking of launching my own line of frozen toast. The benefit seems obvious to me: Why waste time toasting bread when you can grab a few pre-cooked slices and simply pop them into the toaster? Within minutes you’ll be enjoying fresh, hot toast! I’m slightly troubled by the fact that no one has bothered to do this before. But then, no one thought to make an ottoman until one day somebody said to himself, “Boy my legs are tired. I wonder if it could be from sitting in this chair and holding my feet straight out, for hours on end.”
Speaking of frozen, who came up with the igloo? It must have been a quick thinker. I’m trying to imagine wandering somewhere north of the Arctic Circle. It’s minus fifty degrees and the wind is howling. I need shelter and I have nothing to use except a long, sharp blade of some kind. Not a lot of time for brainstorming there. At the risk of freezing to death on the ice, I doubt it would have occurred to me to build a house out of that very ice. (And even if it had, people in igloos used fires to keep warm. What exactly were they burning?)
And speaking of sitting in a chair, at the suggestion of my dental hygienist, I recently started using an electric toothbrush. I had often ridiculed this invention as unnecessary and lazy, comparing it to the electric carving knife, possibly the most idiotic thing to come out of the 1960s, other than the Super Ball, a dense rubber toy that cost a small fortune, bounced into the upper atmosphere, and always landed on a roof or rolled down a sewer within minutes of purchase. But now, lying flat with a searchlight shining directly into my eyes and a young woman stabbing me in the gums with a sharp metal instrument, I reconsidered.
“Regular toothbrush and electric toothbrush,” she said. “They’re like night and day.”
“Which one is day?” I tried to ask, but she had her entire fist in my mouth and even I found it hard to understand what I was saying.
I went out later that week and purchased an electric toothbrush. I use it every day. And I use my regular toothbrush every night. I really do. So my dental hygienist called it exactly right. This got me thinking. Why not an electric hair brush? Not only could you brush your hair without causing irritating arm fatigue, but you could also use it to remove unsightly pet fur from furniture, and as an occasional head scratcher and scalp massager. From there, it’s a short step to electric Q-Tips, battery-powered nail files, and small lamps that run on static electricity generated by fleece sweatpants.
No, it won’t be long now. One day soon you’ll find it difficult to imagine a time when these amazing inventions didn’t exist — each the product of an inquiring mind, a curious seeker of knowledge, and of course, that weird uncle engaging in some mental fisticuffs.
Margaret Reyes Dempsey
February 24, 2011
So, that was you with the “electric shaver only” outlet? My friend in England, who used to work in a hotel, told me some Americans had a hard time with this concept.
That frozen toast cartoon made me roar.
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
Please tell your friend that I’ll never do it again. I still don’t understand the concept, but I definitely believe it now.
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icedteawithlemon
February 24, 2011
Thank you so much for making me smile this morning! I particularly enjoyed the visual image of your “seeker of knowledge” persona battling it out against the “madman”–and you’re right, “fisticuffs” is a silly word and there’s no way a woman came up with the silly idea of pole vaulting! I hope you always encourage the “weird uncle”–your curiosity is intriguing and makes for such wonderful posts!
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
Thanks, Iced Tea. I’m glad the madman image didn’t scare you away.
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Hippie Cahier
February 24, 2011
I don’t know why, but I’m rather fond of fisticuffs, the word, not the act. Then again, I like weird words.
Would it be a giant leap to assume you, too, often think, “It seemed like a great idea at the time”?
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Yes. If I had a business card, I think I’d print that quote right on it, along with “Sorry I’m late” and “My name is not Terry!”
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notesfromrumbleycottage
February 24, 2011
Frozen toast that you put in the toaster to warm up which would take the same amount of time to make real toast. Yep, can’t understand why that has not been thought up and marketed.
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
Someone’s probably stealing the idea right now.
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writerwoman61
February 24, 2011
I share your disdain for the word “fisticuffs”, Charles! Just say “fight” and get it over with!
I suppose we wouldn’t have airplanes or rockets if some man hadn’t figured out a way to make huge pieces of metal fly! It’s not that women don’t have ideas…it’s just that our ideas tend to be more practical and less daring…I think I feel a blog post coming on…
Fun post!
Wendy
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
Thanks, Wendy. I look forward to reading that post.
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writerwoman61
February 25, 2011
Here’s the post your post inspired, Charles!
Wendy
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
I think yours is much more interesting.
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Kate
February 24, 2011
This was hilarious Uncle Charlie! Thanks for sharing your brain with us once again 🙂 Yes, I made the pizza in this picture and yes it was awesome!
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bronxboy55
February 24, 2011
Thanks, Katie. Uncle Joe would be proud of that pizza.
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Marie M
February 24, 2011
L-L-LOL! Thanks, friend, for sharing more of the ruminations that run through your mind. [And I mean “ruminations” in the most positive sense–I checked its meaning online just to be sure I was using it correctly, and learned more about various alternate definitions than either of us needs to know. Ick.]
Keep it up!
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
Aren’t certain animals, such as cows, called ruminants? I would say that based on what goes through my mind, that’s probably a close match.
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Marie M
February 26, 2011
Yes, I think you’re right on both counts, but since the cows’ experience is physical and somewhat graphic, it’s much more gross. Makes me sh-udder just to think about it.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
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Jac
February 24, 2011
Seems like so many of us hate the word “fisticuffs”! Perhaps one of us should start a petition to have it banned from public speaking and in written form. But on a more important note – why do hotels in England have outlets that are just for electric shavers? That just bugs me.
I was intrigued that you would even think about what the Eskimos would burn in their igloos – that thought has never even entered my mind. I always wanted to know how they could have fires in there without melting the ice. I understand that the ice is thick, but after a while, wouldn’t they increase the interior square footage? Or would they end up with a skylight? Maybe this is how Eskimos renovated their homes without hiring contractors.
What was this blog about again?
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Marie M
February 25, 2011
This sense of humor is clearly a family trait. Long may it live! Thanks for the extra giggles, Jackie. [I’m hoping you are who I obviously think you are. : > ) ]
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
I tried the petition idea, Jac, months ago. I stopped people on the street and even went door-to-door. Everyone told me to go away. As far as the fire inside the igloo, yes, wouldn’t everything get wet? And melting ice is still cold. I think we were lucky to have been born where we were.
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souldipper
February 24, 2011
Hey, Uncle Charlie, I have an idea. Invite us to your place so we can pool our secret ideas for inventions. The real excuse? To have Kate make some of that scrumptious looking pizza.
Would I qualify? I’m working on self-cleaning windows.
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
Amy, you’d make a fortune with that one, but I think you just gave it away. I’m thinking about the pizza, too.
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viewfromtheside
February 26, 2011
please let me know when you do!
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Sarah
February 24, 2011
Great to join you here, Charles. Enjoyed your latest musings!
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
Thank you, Sarah. It’s always good to hear from you.
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Snoring Dog Studio
February 24, 2011
Um, Charles, your hygienist intended for you to use JUST the electric toothbrush, day AND night. Not to drill for too fine a point, but it might save you some money to quit with the manual one.
My favorite cartoon is a drawing of a husband and wife sitting at the breakfast table. He looks over his newspaper at her and says, “Honey, help me think of something to invent.” That’s the thing about inventing – you can’t think too hard about it — you just have to let the idea flow into you. Hmm. A device that flows ideas into you … Get on it, Charles!
And again, you seem to have invented superb writing – awesome phrasing, word choice, delivery and rhythm. You invent a laugh for me every time I read your stuff!
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
I know she meant that, SDS, but I’m still in the transition phase. I’m not like those heartless people in the Swiffer commercials who just toss their old brooms away as soon as something better comes along. Loyalty matters, even to a toothbrush.
By the way, I loved this recent post of yours:
http://snoringdogstudio.wordpress.com/2011/02/22/single-sleepless-but-not-helpless/
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Snoring Dog Studio
February 25, 2011
Then you’re even a more decent and sensitive person than I originally thought – loyalty even to inanimate objects. You have a big heart, Charles!
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jesswords10
February 25, 2011
I love the idea of generating power through the static electricity of fleece pants. That tops wind energy in my mind. You should really start talking to the people of General Electric. You could be a millionaire, maybe open your own laboratory for test inventions!
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bronxboy55
February 25, 2011
Thank you for the encouraging words, Jess. I thought for sure you were going to say those sparks were really ghosts.
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Mitch Mitchell
February 25, 2011
I had the same thought as RumblyCottage on the toast so I’ll leave it at that. As for the electric toothbrush, I had one as a child and hated it. Couldn’t figure out how to NOT keep snapping those things in half, and Mom was getting really irritated, and I found myself eventually turning off the juice & using it like a regular toothbrush. When I discovered my parents had stopped using it as well, that was that.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
Mitch, I’ve had the electric for months now, and use it every day. But still, I occasionally forget and unconsciously pick up the regular toothbrush and start using it. Old habits really are hard to change, and brushing our teeth is a very old habit.
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Allison
February 25, 2011
Hilarious, as usual! I am so lucky to have such a creative father.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
Thanks, Al. But I have a strange feeling that the word creative may be a euphemism for something else.
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Bill(y)
February 25, 2011
Fisticuffs sound like something for light S&M so as to not chafe wrists. But that might give an wrong indication of where my head is at…
I still cringe when Singaporeans say “stuffs”. They also say “maths”, but that is a Brit thing, and they are always right and Yanks are always wrong. Just ask them.
I don’t reply to email invitations to have a “cuppa”. Doing so would honor that horrible word with a response and therefore validate it. Or I suppose that should be “honour”.
Oh yeah, used an electric toothbrush until last year when mine stopped being electric. My dentist said using them too much can be bad for your gums.
I thought I’d really miss it. I don’t. And I don’t miss $20 brush heads either.
There’s a lot of electric things we don’t need to be electric.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
I’ve warmed up to the word maths just recently; mathematics is written as a plural, so why not its abbreviation? As for the electric toothbrush, I’d imagine using it too much would be bad for you, just as washing your hands too many times will cause irritation. I agree with your very last statement, though. We assume anything powered by electricity will be easier and more convenient, and that just isn’t true.
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Val Erde
February 25, 2011
I didn’t know the word ‘fisticuffs’ was still in use! I associate it with Sherlock Holmes type theatricals… (do you dislike ‘theatricals’ like you dislike ‘peoples’? I think I might.)
Anyway, Charles, I need you to invent something to stop me misreading things. Possibly because of the feathers, I saw this:
“There’s a big bag of feathers on the other side and I land on that, usually. When I get really good at it, I’ll raise the stick and try again. I think this is going to make us rich.”
as this:
“There’s a big bag of feathers on the other side and I land on that, usually. When I get really good at it, I’ll raise the stick and try again. I think this is going to make ostrich.” (Note the last word).
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
I think you just see things with an artist’s eye, Val. There’s no way I’d want to mess around with that.
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Linda Paul
February 25, 2011
I knew I’d love this post when I got to this line: “In addition to a mother, invention seems to have an extended family, including a weird uncle called Curiosity.”
I always assumed that pole vaulting originated when some poor short-legged caveman needed to get across the gorge to the cute little blond on the other side. How else to spring across an expanse that would surely swallow you if you couldn’t figure out how to cheat death?
But I absolutely lol when I read the part about the frozen pre-toasted toast! And I don’t lol very often.
Thanks. I needed that. I’ll probably live an additional year or two, thanks to you.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
I hadn’t though about the possibility that pole vaulting began as a practical invention. I suppose canyon-jumping could have useful applications. But again, who was the first one to test it out?
Thanks for the nice words, Linda. Getting to read your blog for an additional year or two will be a great payback.
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Allan Douglas
February 25, 2011
Love the frozen toast! I’d like to add that alomg with my line of dehydrated waters.
I got a charge out of your lightning experiment because we use flannel sheets in the winter and I wear sweats to bed when it’s cold but I must try not to toss about because whenever I roll over the room lights up.
I suspect your problem with hotel electricity had to do with their using Christmas tree light wires in their last electric upgrade.
Another great read Charles, Thanks!
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
Actually, it was a brand new hotel, Allan. But I learned my lesson: ONLY means ONLY.
Dehydrated water — think of the savings in shipping costs alone! I really don’t know why you and I are wasting our time with this writing stuff. The world needs us.
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arborfamiliae
February 25, 2011
Inventors fascinate me. It seems to take a leap of creativity to be an inventor–at least a successful one. When I try to take leaps of creativity, I tend to fall on my face. So most of the time it’s easier for me to think about truly inventive, creative people as divinely inspired, preternaturally blessed. That lets me off the hook.
Of course it comes from a Latin word that just means “find.” So maybe I’m trying too hard.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
Kevin, that’s exactly the feeling I get when I see some brilliant new thing that will obviously be around for a long time: it was always there; we just had to catch up to it.
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Kate
February 26, 2011
Thanks Uncle Charlie…I wish I could make some for him! I wish I could make it for all of you! The whole family! I love you!
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Priya
February 26, 2011
Since we are friends, could I please ask you to increase the functionality of the electric hairbrush from an “occasional head scratcher” to “auto head scratcher”? Please? It’ll be cool to have a tool that ‘knows when to’.
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
That’s going to require some pretty intensive computer programming. Also some kind of strap. Do you know anything about computers? I could probably design a strap.
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jessicasieghart
February 26, 2011
You just have to market your static suit along with a nylon carpet swatch and you’re already there! Imagine the fun wives all over the world will have watching their fleece wearing husbands shuffling their feet around, listening to all the electric snaps and ouches as they remove the outfit and then emerge with their hair standing on end or out sideways, depending on male pattern baldness. If you throw in a supersoaker squirt gun full of Static Guard and paint a bullseye on the back of the pants, you’d have an entire game on your hands. You just have to take it to the next level!
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bronxboy55
February 26, 2011
Jessica, I’d say you’re already three levels ahead of me. So you take it; this is your baby now. Really, I insist.
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mirroredImages
February 27, 2011
I’m thinking that overuse of a toothbrush, or toothbrushes, is way better than underuse.
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bronxboy55
February 28, 2011
I would think so, too, Julia. And I imagine millions of dollars have been spent on studies trying to determine if that’s true.
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Melinda
February 27, 2011
Oh my the frozen toast idea cracked me up as well as how the pole jump was invented. I can only imagine the entangled mess an automatic hairbrush would cause, but I’m all for testing a scalp massager. I think that is a winner!
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bronxboy55
February 28, 2011
I just found out, the electric back-scratcher already exists. It would have to have a scalp attachment. Wouldn’t it?
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Sheryl VanVleck
February 28, 2011
I had a husband once, long story, who actually purchased numerous electric brushes. More like an electric comb really as it untangled my daughters tangled hair really well. However, the husband had hair that was sewn on his head. AND that is no joke. He was bald and that’s what they did then. I think it addled his brain.
It’s my first stop here. I shall be back. I like the fisticuffs. It makes fighting seem so polite.
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bronxboy55
February 28, 2011
Boy, if I could attribute my addled brain to an electric comb, I’d be happy.
Thanks, for the comment, Sheryl. I look forward to visiting your blog very soon.
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Artswebshow
March 1, 2011
Toasters, footstools, igloo’s. totally pointless if you ask me. lol
A great invention i came up with was…………………………………
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bronxboy55
March 1, 2011
Yeah. I’ve never invented anything either.
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Kevin Glew
March 1, 2011
Another fabulous and hilarious piece, Charles. Also a good warning to me not to plug something into those hotel electrical outlets reserved for shavers 🙂
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bronxboy55
March 1, 2011
Kevin, I would have preferred it to happen to you first. Then you could have warned me. But I guess it’s too late.
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