For those of us who grew up with fairy tales, and later with the movies and television, it might be natural to assume that romance is supposed to lead to happily-ever-after. We take it for granted that destiny holds our perfect match in its hands, and while the prize may be slow to arrive, eventually our soul mate will appear.
This belief may explain Valentine’s Day cards. Most address someone called “Honey” or “Darling” or “Sweetheart,” and are filled with hearts and flowers and gooey, gloppy poems offering exaggerated claims of pure and endless joy. I guess these cards were created for people who have somehow hooked up with that soul mate promised by the fairy tales.
For many, though, such thoughts may lead to sadness, disappointment, or a sense of hollow longing. Most couples are not soul mates. They aren’t even kindred spirits. Theirs was not a love made in heaven, shaped by the angels, or sealed by fate. In fact, some are barely hanging on.
What does the fantasy look like? It looks like bliss. Fuzzy, golden, glowing bliss. The words are always the right ones. Often words are unnecessary, because these two people are precisely tuned to each other’s thoughts. When they walk down the street, other couples stop and stare in envy at such effortless and unparalleled closeness and harmony. For these chosen few, every challenge becomes a triumph, every turn an adventure.
We carry so many illusions with us as we grow. Occasionally we trade one of the illusions for experience, and once in a while, a bit of wisdom. The difference between fantasy and reality is life itself, those thousands of tiny, insignificant events we’re involved with every day. Some of those events are unpleasant. A few are overwhelming. And the fact is, words are necessary, and very often we use the wrong ones. Sometimes we behave badly. But before you start comparing yourself to the unforgettable movie endings, remember that it took fifty tries to get those scenes right. And they’re not even real.
There’s value in working at a relationship. Not that we always appreciate that fact. Sometimes we’d give anything for a little closeness and harmony, especially the effortless and unparalleled kind. We wish for instant and perfect communication. Even pretty good communication would be a welcome change.
The truth is, many of the couples I know have been heading upstream almost since the day they met. They’re in the same canoe, but are frequently paddling in opposite directions. They don’t think the same, or remember things the same, or behave the same. They argue, often with great ferocity. And sometimes they break down completely and have to paddle over to the shore and get out before they drown each other.
If yours is not a love made in heaven, you’re not alone. Most relationships have to be forged right here on earth. You work at it every day, hammering, welding, bending back the corners. You get snagged on the rough edges, and sometimes you’re left cut and bleeding. But somewhere deep inside, you know what you’re creating is a work of art. And every once in a while, usually just in time, you catch a glimpse of it. Patched together, worn, scraped, and full of gaping holes, the result is an odd and beautiful thing. There are sections of it that are polished and shiny and dazzling. And there are more of those places with each passing year. You made them, together, with no help from angels or fate.
So when you see a perfect couple, seeming to glide through life without struggle or heartache, realize that you’re probably watching an illusion. Stop and stare for a moment, then get back to reality. That work of art you have there isn’t quite finished yet.
And in the unlikely event that you happen to be one of those perfect couples, congratulations. Enjoy your prize, and all of those honey-darling-sweetheart valentines.
But this one is for the rest of us.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
P.S. If you’re alone, or even just feeling alone, I hope you never stop believing
that the future has love waiting for you.
Jessica Sieghart
February 13, 2011
Those cards you refer to are what I call “Buck Lovies”. My mom loved the sappy cards and when we were small, my dad would take him with us to pick Valentines for school while he picked out my mom’s card. He always grumbled because the cards my mom liked were the expensive ones that cost a $1 at that time and he would have rather picked the more humorous ones. I’m certain my preference for the ridiculously drippy & romantic cards are 99% because of the memories I have with my dad while picking them out. Nobody’s marriage is as wonderful as the fantasy, I dont care what kind of charade they put on in public. There’s fighting, sulking, quirks, different ideas (which really become evident once children come along), financial problems, snoring, dirty socks and just plain running out of things to say sometimes, but all that doesn’t mean the love and commitment are gone. I think that’s what should be celebrated on Valentine’s Day. The “sometimes you’re a jerk, but I still love you” thing 😉 To me, that is represented with a Buck Lovie. My dad would fall over if he knew they were $5 now 😉
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
Thanks, Jessica. I was actually thinking about you while I was writing this, because you and your husband seem to be a lot closer to that soul mate status than most people I know. I appreciate your candor, and as always, your wonderful humor.
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Jessica Sieghart
February 14, 2011
Well, thank you. I’m 100% happy with my husband, but I’m not sure I’d call us soul mates. I don’t even believe in soul mates. Steve and I really don’t like any of the same things from food to TV shows to pretty much anything. I hate playing darts, which he loves and is in a league with his brother, so he does his things and I do mine. I think that’s the secret. You don’t have to like the same things, you just have to like and support each other. LOL. We’ve always given each other the space to pursue interests and always accepted that the other just might not want to do that. We don’t argue a lot because we decided long ago to concede to the other person who felt more strongly about whatever issue. It’s easy for both of us to tell who has the strongest opinion on whatever it is so one of us usually just bows out of the pending disagreement. It works for us, but no we are not the sappy, can’t keep hands off each other couple. We’re both just happy 😉
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
At the risk of sounding sappy myself, there seems to be a lot of wisdom in your marriage.
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Jessica Sieghart
February 17, 2011
Of course there is! I’m a part of it 😉
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writerwoman61
February 13, 2011
I love this post (even though, after many false starts, I believe I’ve finally found my “soulmate”)…reposting to Facebook! Thank you!
Wendy
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
I appreciate that, Wendy, and am happy that those false starts are behind you. Thank you for the comment, and have a great day with your soul mate!
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TexasTrailerParkTrash
February 13, 2011
Excellent post! Appearances can be deceiving. Some of the greatest looking marriages on the outside are often snake pits on the inside.
My Valentine’s Day card to my husband this year has a couple, both on stilts, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. On the inside it says “Even when we’re doing something really dumb-ass, I still love you.”
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
Thanks, TTPT. I’m with you: I’ll take substance over appearance any day.
By the way, I loved your most recent post:
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magsx2
February 13, 2011
Hi,
Hubby and I always go out on Valentines Day, and each year we pick a different restaurant, a couple of times we have had a picnic in the park. Unfortunately this year Hubby is on Afternoon Shift, so we had our “date” yesterday, but it was still great. We had a wonderful lunch, the food was really good, and after went for a walk along the river. We don’t worry about cards or buying presents, this is our thing so to speak.
Of course when we were dating (many, many, years ago) there was the cards, the date, the flowers and chocolates or other presents, but I’m more than happy doing what we do now.
Happy Valentines Day Everyone.
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
It sounds as though your gift to each other is your time together. What better gift is there?
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souldipper
February 13, 2011
Authentic and real! You described my parents – works-in-progress for 65 years. As much as they fought, they loved. As much as they disagreed, they respected. As much as we kids wanted to divorce them, we could not have chosen two better people as parents.
I’m in the canoe on my own right now, but I have an extra paddle. 😀
Happy Valentines Day to all – with or without paddles.
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
That’s a beautiful tribute, Amy.
Thank you for the comment, and Happy Valentine’s Day to you.
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Marie M
February 14, 2011
Let’s raise a glass to toast all who persevere long enough to recognize and celebrate, together, their own “odd and beautiful thing”! Congratulations! And thanks for the reality check, BronxBoy.
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
Thank you, Marie. I really believe that’s the nature of most relationships. And I’m glad to see that people don’t seem to have a problem admitting it.
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Priya
February 14, 2011
🙂 Thank you for this love-brimming post, Charles. A pointer at the imperfections points right at the fact that there is, in fact, a ‘patched together’ thing. And that makes all the difference. Much love for you and yours this day and always.
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
And the same to you, Priya, especially on this memorable day for you.
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dearrosie
February 14, 2011
Bravo BB! Finally someone brave enough to be honest about the ups and downs and difficulties of relationships on Valentine’s day. So many marvelous phrases. I love
“They’re in the same canoe, but are frequently paddling in opposite directions.”
“Patched together, worn, scraped, and full of gaping holes, the result is an odd and beautiful thing”
“You made them, together, with no help from angels or fate.”
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
Thanks, Rosie. I’m glad you liked the post, and I appreciate that you took the time to leave such a thoughtful comment.
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Betty
February 14, 2011
Oh, I really love this one! I often think (particularly on Valentine’s Day) that I’m the only one who has no aptitude for relationship while everybody else is sailing happily through marriage like it’s the ultimate cruise… so your canoeing analogy had particular zing to it for me! Happy V-day…. and many more years of blissful (and sometimes stressful) marital unity! xoxoxo B
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bronxboy55
February 14, 2011
No aptitude for relationship? Betty, I’m pretty sure everyone in your life would disagree with that self-assessment. I hope your day was great, too, including that irritatingly pleasant weather.
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arborfamiliae
February 14, 2011
I’ve never known a perfect person or a perfect marriage. Last week I said goodbye to a friend who was almost 96 years old. I visited with him every couple of weeks and almost every time I saw him he talked about how much he missed his wife. They had been married 69 years when she died in 2008. Toward the end of his life he got very confused, but he never forgot his Kate.
Another couple I visit regularly recently celebrated their 71st anniversary. The love they have for each other is evident, even when they’re complaining about one another or frustrated that the other person isn’t doing something right. The man unfailingly calls his wife “my honey,” even after he’s just finished grumbling to her or about her.
Marriage isn’t easy, but it sure is worth it. Especially when you have a wife who’s as beautiful, talented and wonderful as mine.
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
Imagine being married for seventy-one years. It’s such a powerful statement to say, “I have this one life on earth and I want to spend all of it with you.” And what an amazing opportunity for you to be able to have time with such people. Thank you, Kevin.
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Julia
February 15, 2011
my goodness, i’m so glad i scrolled down through these comments. we may not be soul mates, but at the risk of sounding sappy, our souls are mated and that’s pretty amazing.
charles – interesting, gritty, real portrayal of human relationships. the work must be worth it or we wouldn’t keep trying to make it work. love is flawed but infinitely better than the alternative.
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
I don’t know this for sure, Julia, but I suspect that many relationships fall apart because the people involved weren’t expecting to have to work at it. More fairy tale damage.
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Allan Douglas
February 15, 2011
Just beautiful Charles! I especially like the part where you compare building a relationship to constructing a piece of metal art; a particularly apt comparison. Relationships DO take work, and many just fall apart through neglect after initial passion dissipates.
A wonderful message, beautifully told. Thanks for sharing!
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
I suppose I could have just as easily used woodworking instead of metal (not that I have any skill in either), but I’ll leave that to you, Allan. I’ve read enough of your loving references to your wife to know that you two share just such a beautiful work-in-progress.
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Damyanti
February 15, 2011
I’ve never believed in drippy cards, but won’t mind receiving one, just for the heck of it :).
Marriage is a lot of work, you have to keep giving as much as you can to the other person but at the end of it all, it is all worth it to see that “patched-up masterpiece”…… Thanks for a thought-provoking and beautifully-worded post.
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
Thank you, Damyanti. I appreciate such kind words, especially coming from a writer as gifted as you are.
And believe it or not, I hope you get lots of drippy cards!
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Amiable Amiable
February 15, 2011
Bwwwaaaahaaaahaaaahaaaa! Given that my husband and I have been boating from the first date, when I saw the last cartoon I laughed like a crazy woman again (still trying to recover from your previous post). That couple IS me and my husband – the man who has lost three cell phones overboard, not one but two inflatables off the stern, and, talking like an Italian (no offense) with the hands going every which way, knocked one pair of prescription glasses off his head and into the drink. I am so glad we aren’t boating anymore. But he’s still such a jerk! LOL!
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bronxboy55
February 15, 2011
But apparently a thoughtful jerk:
http://bighappynothing.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/my-spelling-challenged-valentine/
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Val Erde
February 16, 2011
I was set a bad example by my parents, Charles. So it came as a huge surprise to me when not only did I find someone who I get along with but that I married him and we’re still happy!
My parents didn’t really bother ‘working’ at their marriage, though they didn’t divorce so I suppose that was a kind of work. I’ve a video of them at the golden wedding anniversary party and my dad says to the guests “I don’t suppose I could’ve stuck 50 years with anyone else.” There’s a long pause that one can nearly cut with a knife and then my mum pipes up with, “Well! It was certainly worth waiting fifty years for that!” I’ll leave you to decide whether she said it sarcastically or not, but it was classic!
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bronxboy55
February 16, 2011
I’m glad you broke the pattern, Val. But at the same time, maybe your Dad really was trying to be complimentary, in his awkward way.
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Val Erde
February 18, 2011
Yes, I’m sure he was, Charles.
🙂
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Linda Paul
February 17, 2011
Great insights, Charles. I believe ALL relationships are a lot of work. The closer the relationship, the more work required. You’ve nailed it with the work involved in sustaining a romantic relationship, but think how much work goes into loving our children, our parents, sometimes even our friends. I guess everything of value in life comes with a price and we need to recognize that and be prepared to pony up.
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bronxboy55
February 18, 2011
I guess we all need to remind ourselves (and each other) of those things, Linda. So many aspects of life have gotten so easy, we may eventually lose our ability to persevere and be patient. If anything is worth the effort, it’s our relationships.
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Kevin Glew
February 19, 2011
Some great insights as always, Charles. I’m still single and have given up on the idea of a soul mate long ago. But I’d still like to find love, however imperfect the relationship may turn out to be 🙂
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bronxboy55
February 19, 2011
Kevin, I wouldn’t wish a perfect relationship on anyone, least of all a great guy like you.
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carldagostino
March 5, 2011
“in the same canoe paddling different directions” How very true for far too many people. In my case it was better to jump out of that canoe and take my chance with the rapids, sharks and falls even though I still don’t know how to swim.
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bronxboy55
March 5, 2011
Fighter pilots know when to bail out if the plane is going down. Sometimes that’s the only way to survive.
I’ve heard many great things about your blog. I’m finally going to check it out. Thanks for the comment.
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marj
July 17, 2012
This is great, Charles. I agree with the things you said about a perfect marriage being an illusion. Many people aren’t that aware that there’s a lot of hard work necessary for relationships to even survive. All kinds of relationships actually. We should not also take for granted that people change over time, circumstances alter, and situations evolve.
Here’s one thing that has been a little difficult for me to accept at first; Any relationship implies a mutual need and advantage, and if that bond breaks, there is no longer any need for that particular association. I know people would initially decry this philosophy but it makes so much sense really even if we aren’t aware of it.
I believe too in matches made in heaven, but the probability of finding one’s true soulmate is nil. That is why most people simply “settle.”
Nothing could be more exciting than to hope for love that’s written in the stars but you know, it’s just not in the cards for some. Women should be encouraged more to render men peripheral to their needs.
Thanks for sharing this post with me.
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bronxboy55
July 17, 2012
You’re right about all relationships requiring hard work, Marj, but I know a lot of people who would disagree with that statement. They say a relationship should develop naturally, and shouldn’t need to be worked at. These are people who are either in a brand new relationship or one they’re trying to end. They’re definitely not parents of teenage children.
I also like what you said about people changing over time, along with their circumstances. That’s part of the work, I think, to continue to grow and adapt — both as individuals and in relation to each other. It’s easy to forget that, and before you know it, there’s a big gap that may be too wide to cross. If the bond does break, it can make it impossible to maintain any connection with the other person because, as you said, the need is no longer there.
Thanks for reading this old post. I always look forward to your response.
And I hope you’re asleep by now.
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