• A giant comet will slam into the continental United States in mid-January, wiping out more than forty percent of the world’s life forms. No one will pay much attention, however, until after the Super Bowl.
• In April, a slight change in the Earth’s magnetic field will cause all zippers to suddenly reverse direction.
• Celery will be identified as the most dangerous food known. The findings will be based on the fact that celery was part of the daily diet throughout Europe in the eighteenth century, and every one of those people is now dead.
• A minor error in the Mayan calendar will be uncovered, easing the anxiety of billions of people. The date for the destruction of the planet will be adjusted to 3012 when it is learned that, in the middle of their complex calculations, the Mayans forgot to carry the one.• Cats will protest the endless stream of talking dog movies by boycotting theaters and retail video stores. However, ticket sales and DVD rentals will be largely unaffected by the protest.
• A prominent New York fashion designer will introduce a new line of shirts made entirely of sponge, sparking a nationwide fad that will last until the first significant rainfall.
• Thousands of tourists will flock to Mount Rushmore after rumors spread that Theodore Roosevelt’s nose runs on the first day of cold and flu season.
• The winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics will be forced to return the award when it is discovered that he doesn’t know how to make change for a dollar.
• Alaska will shrink by more than two feet. When the United States tries to return the defective property to Russia, the former owner will refuse, pointing out the limited ninety-day warranty.
• Research will show that tomatoes really are vegetables, and that a lot of heated arguments could have been avoided.
• Physicists will prove that parallel universes are not possible. Meanwhile, physicists in a parallel universe will come to the exact same conclusion. Reports of a perpendicular universe just off the coast of South Carolina will be exposed as a hoax.
• The effectiveness of infomercials will be re-evaluated in the light of a new study revealing that more Americans than ever are bald, have really weak abs, and make much less than $30,000 a month in their spare time.
• A man in Ohio will be awarded a hundred million dollars in damages after filing a lawsuit claiming that he’s the only person in the United States who doesn’t have his own reality TV show.
• It being an odd-numbered year, studies will once again prove that eggs, milk, butter, coffee, wine, cheese, and sugar are all good for us.• The people who named the Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain will finally be brought to justice.
• In late March, a Colorado man will drown in his own washing machine. Police will label the death a homicide, but a six-month investigation will turn up no new information, other than that the victim died sometime between the pre-wash cycle and the second rinse.
• A woman claiming to be Amelia Earhart will appear on several daytime talk shows. It will eventually be determined that she’s just someone with goggles who’s starving for attention.
• The legendary Loch Ness Monster will finally come out of hiding sometime in the early fall. Nessie will make a guest appearance on Sesame Street, then hold a news conference to request help in locating her long-lost younger brother, believed to be living somewhere in the Lake Champlain area.
• A brand new resort in New Delhi will be christened The World’s Swankiest Hotel. There will be nothing especially fancy about the place; that will just be the name of it.
• After decades of expensive research, scientists in California will announce that large amounts of hot salsa may produce heartburn in laboratory mice.
• In December, a new day will be inserted between Saturday and Sunday to give everyone more time to get their shopping done.
Betty Londergan
December 30, 2010
LOVE it! May all your predictions come true — and then you’ll have your OWN reality show!
Happy New Year, BB!!!!
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2010
Thanks, Betty. Happy New Year to you, too!
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Angelo DeCesare
December 30, 2010
Brilliant and insightful blog. And so funny!!!!!!!!!! I do believe, however, that at least half of these predicted events have already happened.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2010
That’s how we professional prognosticators operate, Ang. We wait for things to happen, then we predict them. It cuts down on mistakes.
By the way, I also predict this is going to be a big year for Flip:
http://www.flipandmuzz.com/
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Mitchell Allen
December 30, 2010
I love Betty’s enthusiasm but, um, won’t there be more pressing issues if that comet hits?
Other than that depressing bet on the future of mankind, I have to say that these are way more entertaining than the supermarket tabloid check-out line drivel.
One thing is for sure, you’re going to look like a genius when nothing happens in 2012.
“…forgot to carry the one…” {snorts}
Happy New (comet-free) Year!
Mitch
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2010
You’re right, Mitch. I guess I should hope I’m wrong about that one.
Thanks for the comment. Happy New Year!
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magsx2
December 30, 2010
Hi,
That was great, really enjoyed it and had a good laugh. As usual fantastic cartoons.
Happy New Year to you as well, hope it’s great for you.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2010
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for taking the time.
Happy New Year to you, too!
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souldipper
December 30, 2010
Creativity galore! Loved the zippers unzipping – what a delightfully fresh mind to think of that?! Come to think of it, it may cause a few minds to be “fresh”.
3012 sent me into apoplexy. Where was Mayanleaks when we needed them? My dyslexia would have printed 2102.
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souldipper
December 30, 2010
BTW – David Wilcock who addresses 2012 predictions with scientific validation and who claims that 2012 is going to be a very positive event – not cataclysmic – says at the end of one of his videos: “See ya at the ‘I told you so’ party”.
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bronxboy55
December 30, 2010
Thank you, Amy. It’s always nice to hear from you, and I agree completely that there’s no cataclysm coming in 2012 — we have way too much work to do. Happy New Year!
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shoreacres
December 30, 2010
The winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics will be forced to return the award when it is discovered that he doesn’t know how to make change for a dollar.
Oops. I think we’ve already figured this one out!
Great fun you’ve created here. Let’s hope we have some opportunities for fun in the New Year, too!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2010
Thank you, Linda. No matter what comes along, I think we’ll figure out a way to enjoy the trip. Part of that, for me, will be visiting your blog and reading your beautiful essays.
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Allan Douglas
December 30, 2010
Hey Charles… how did you hear about my research on perpendicular universes? That was supposed to be top secret – I barely even thought of it. Man, I’m just losing ground all over the place!
“Piggly Wiggly…justice” I’m glad I wasn’t sipping anything when I got to that one… I’d be drying out my keyboard again! (I’m learning!)
I think I’ll go visit relatives in Australia during January! I wonder who I could adopt in Australia.
Good stuff Charles, thanks for a good laugh!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2010
Allan, I think one of your first posts in the new year should be to list all of the great ideas you have swirling in your head. Then if any of us try to steal them, you’ll have witnesses.
By the way, that comet could just as easily hit Australia. The original information came from the US Weather Bureau.
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Allan Douglas
January 1, 2011
Oh, well, if the weather bureau is saying it will hit North America, I’m staying put. Based on their track record to date I’m safer here than anywhere!
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Marie M
December 31, 2010
How nice to come across a set of predictions that I can read without immediately feeling as if I’m going to throw up! Thanks for the laughs–your list is a great way to bring the year to a close. All the best to you and all your readers!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2010
Thanks, Marie. I appreciate your kind words, and I value your friendship.
Happy New Year!
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No More Disney
December 31, 2010
I’d like to suggest that instead of inserting the extra day before Christmas, it be inserted after Christmas to allow for holiday recovery. It would also be a major coup for the universe if all giant family-friendly theme parks were wiped from the face of the earth, with only minimal loss of human life (the idiots and jerks can feel free to check out), well before the holiday season so that no one gets the very ridiculous idea to spend time and money there. Although I suppose this would further flummox adherents of the Mayan calendar, unless those adherents were among the many unnoticed souls to be wiped out when the big comet hits.
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2010
I had hoped that you were all having the time of your lives in the World of Disney, but it sounds as though maybe not. I bet there’s a very funny post on the way, though, and I can’t wait to read it. (Does that help, at all?)
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Priya
December 31, 2010
🙂
I’ve been scrolling up and down the post for the last minute and a half. And grinning. Your posts are becoming more dangerous by the week, Charles. I hope to take lessons from Allan and learn. And stop grinning after 2 minutes. B’s doubts about my sanity just might get confirmed if he sees me grinning at the computer screen as well!
Have a lovely time, today, and tomorrow!
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bronxboy55
December 31, 2010
Thanks, Priya. I’m glad you liked it. And if B. doubts your sanity, we could start a club for people whose spouses have similar concerns. It would be a pretty big club, I’m sure.
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Priya
January 1, 2011
I should think so, Charles. Yes, let’s.
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Mitch
December 31, 2010
That was some funny stuff that I had to retweet it last night and come back to read it again today. I love the Mayan “carry the one” thing; too funny! Happy New Year Charles!
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2011
Thanks, Mitch. Happy New Year to you, too.
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
December 31, 2010
Thanks to Betty’s What Gives, I found your blog! I’ve already thanked HER for what she did. Now it’s time to thank YOU for your funny and wildly creative blog. Reading it has made my week so many times, this post no exception. Happy 2011 to you and all your adoring fans.
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2011
I appreciate that EOS. And while I would never use the word fans (never mind adoring ones), I’m glad there are a few of us who take the time to read each other’s thoughts and offer encouragement. I’ve certainly enjoyed my visits to your blog, and intend to continue doing so in the new year.
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Melinda
December 31, 2010
HA HA!! Yay coffee is good for us! That is a relief! I don’t know how you came up with clothes made of sponge but if my kids could wear it and mop that would be super cool!
Happy New Year!!
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bronxboy55
January 1, 2011
Drink as much coffee as you can this year, Melinda, but remember that next year it’ll be bad for us again.
Thanks for the comment, and Happy New Year to you, too!
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Heart
January 1, 2011
Excuse me, for the one on Alaska, but Sarah Palin will first have to approve and then only either of the countries will have a say at it.. 😉
Meanwhile, physicists in a parallel universe will come to the exact same conclusion. Instant CLASSIC right there! Ha ha ha..
Lawsuit news keeps me amused and makes my otherwise dull life, spicy! Somehow the Piggly Wiggly guy and the Indiana dude seem to be related 😀
Delhi and Swanky..!! Out of the ball park!! Dang, I am trying hard not to laugh.. 😉
Smart predictions Charles, Well done!!
One more that might have slipped through,
A newly “Christened” Canadian wins the Nationwide first prize for confirming that news repeats exactly once every 365 days!
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
Thanks, Heart. I’m glad you appreciated the post. I certainly appreciated the comment. Happy New Year!
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cooperstownersincanada
January 2, 2011
Great stuff! Happy New Year! I like the idea of a sponge shirt, but the concept of the zippers reversing will have me rethinking my bathroom routine in April 🙂
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
I appreciate that, Kevin. It can seem like a curse sometimes to be able to see into the future with such clarity. But when I get a comment such as yours, it makes me glad I decided to use this gift for good rather than evil.
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Jessica Sieghart
January 2, 2011
You’re killing me with all of these but my favorites are the celery and the 3012 calendar typo cartoon. I’ve been lazy the last few days and have spent most of my weekend catching up on my DVR instead of bloghopping. I know I’m late but I want to wish you a very happy, healthy and hilarious 2011! You’re off to an excellent start. 😉
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
Thanks, Jessica. And the same to you. I look forward to enjoying your blog all year!
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Patricia
January 3, 2011
Hi Charles
Too funny by half 😉 Don’t know how you think them all up. And what a relief that you will probably have some more humorous predictions to counter these in the coming months. Here’s hoping anyway lol
All the best for 2011 Charles. Really enjoy your blog and thanks for your visits to my blog too in 2010. Have some new things for my blog in 2011 and looking forward to what the blogosphere has in store for all of us.
Patricia Perth Australia
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
One of the rewards of blogging, for me, is how easily it shrinks the world. Finding new friends like you has made writing (and reading) so much more enjoyable, and given me yet another reason to look forward to 2011.
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icedteawithlemon
January 3, 2011
They forgot to carry the one?! Brilliant! Why is it that every time I read your blog, my first response is “Gosh, I wish I had written that!” I thoroughly enjoyed this–looking forward to more!
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
It’s only fair — I have the same response when I read your blog.
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arborfamiliae
January 3, 2011
“A man in Indiana will be awarded a hundred million dollars.” Could you change that to “a man from Indiana”? That way it could be me. And if anybody’s life merits a reality show, mine does.
Very funny, as always. I’m looking forward to reading your blog in 2011.
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bronxboy55
January 3, 2011
I changed it to “A man in Ohio…” Hope that helps.
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Mitchell Allen
January 4, 2011
Charles!!! What you done? Have you not heard of the butterfly effect? That “Whoosh” you heard earlier today was the collective sound of thousands of Hoosiers realizing that, once again, fate has played a cruel trick on them.
The ping pong ball was supposed to be a “3” and, at the last second, the “2” ball knocked it out of the way.
First the Mayans, now this. Somehow, I have a feeling this is all going to go horribly wrong.
You do know that Indiana faced Ohio on New Year’s Eve – and lost. That’s not your fault but, man you gotta be careful with this prognostication super-power. You just remember:
“With great power comes great responsibility.” I made that up, just for you. 🙂
Cheers,
Mitch
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2011
Sorry, Mitch. I never claimed to be a detail guy. I’d change it back, but you know there’ll be a tornado the next day and we’ll both be thinking I caused that, too. Better to just back away slowly.
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Jean Calomeni
January 4, 2011
Absolutely hilarious! Wonderful cartoons! Who needs Nostradamus when I’ve got you? I’m not going to be watching the Super Stupid Bowl, so I’ll be well prepared for that comet. Thank you!
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bronxboy55
January 4, 2011
Thanks, Jean. And speaking of Nostradamus, an unknown quatrain of his was recently discovered. Roughly translated, it says, “If those Mayans were so smart, where the heck are they now?”
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Val Erde
January 8, 2011
Celery, piggly wiggly and the drippy noses are my faves… I’ve read this now three times and only just managing a comment! Brilliant. And I’m a fan. Happy Gnu Year, Charles.
🙂
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bronxboy55
January 8, 2011
Thanks, Val. Happy Gnu Year to you, too!
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