My Predictions for 2011

Posted on December 30, 2010


•  A giant comet will slam into the continental United States in mid-January, wiping out more than forty percent of the world’s life forms. No one will pay much attention, however, until after the Super Bowl.

•  In April, a slight change in the Earth’s magnetic field will cause all zippers to suddenly reverse direction.

•  Celery will be identified as the most dangerous food known. The findings will be based on the fact that celery was part of the daily diet throughout Europe in the eighteenth century, and every one of those people is now dead.

•  A minor error in the Mayan calendar will be uncovered, easing the anxiety of billions of people. The date for the destruction of the planet will be adjusted to 3012 when it is learned that, in the middle of their complex calculations, the Mayans forgot to carry the one.•  Cats will protest the endless stream of talking dog movies by boycotting theaters and retail video stores. However, ticket sales and DVD rentals will be largely unaffected by the protest.

•  A prominent New York fashion designer will introduce a new line of shirts made entirely of sponge, sparking a nationwide fad that will last until the first significant rainfall.

•  Thousands of tourists will flock to Mount Rushmore after rumors spread that Theodore Roosevelt’s nose runs on the first day of cold and flu season.

•  The winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics will be forced to return the award when it is discovered that he doesn’t know how to make change for a dollar.

•  Alaska will shrink by more than two feet. When the United States tries to return the defective property to Russia, the former owner will refuse, pointing out the limited ninety-day warranty.

•  Research will show that tomatoes really are vegetables, and that a lot of heated arguments could have been avoided.

•  Physicists will prove that parallel universes are not possible. Meanwhile, physicists in a parallel universe will come to the exact same conclusion. Reports of a perpendicular universe just off the coast of South Carolina will be exposed as a hoax.

•  The effectiveness of infomercials will be re-evaluated in the light of a new study revealing that more Americans than ever are bald, have really weak abs, and make much less than $30,000 a month in their spare time.

•  A man in Ohio will be awarded a hundred million dollars in damages after filing a lawsuit claiming that he’s the only person in the United States who doesn’t have his own reality TV show.

•  It being an odd-numbered year, studies will once again prove that eggs, milk, butter, coffee, wine, cheese, and sugar are all good for us.•  The people who named the Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain will finally be brought to justice.

•  In late March, a Colorado man will drown in his own washing machine. Police will label the death a homicide, but a six-month investigation will turn up no new information, other than that the victim died sometime between the pre-wash cycle and the second rinse.

•  A woman claiming to be Amelia Earhart will appear on several daytime talk shows. It will eventually be determined that she’s just someone with goggles who’s starving for attention.

•  The legendary Loch Ness Monster will finally come out of hiding sometime in the early fall. Nessie will make a guest appearance on Sesame Street, then hold a news conference to request help in locating her long-lost younger brother, believed to be living somewhere in the Lake Champlain area.

•  A brand new resort in New Delhi will be christened The World’s Swankiest Hotel. There will be nothing especially fancy about the place; that will just be the name of it.

•  After decades of expensive research, scientists in California will announce that large amounts of hot salsa may produce heartburn in laboratory mice.

•  In December, a new day will be inserted between Saturday and Sunday to give everyone more time to get their shopping done.



Posted in: In Over My Head