I’ve been spending a lot of time in the car, sitting at red lights mostly — but with holiday traffic, also at green lights and yield signs, and trapped in parking lots. I sometimes imagine that I’m going to miss Christmas entirely, marooned at the mall and staring at the back bumper of a Toyota minivan.
On the bright side, it gives me plenty of opportunity to think.
At this very moment I find myself creeping along behind a blue Ford Focus. The name of the car jumps out at me because the driver seems completely distracted and in no hurry to get where he’s going. I’m late for a meeting, so I’m in a big hurry. But he’s doing about half the speed limit and there’s no way to pass him, so my own mind begins to wander. He’s driving in much the same way I imagine I would be driving if I were on my way to the electric chair. But then, I think, what would I be doing in my car if I were going to the electric chair? That’s an easy one. Before they execute you, they serve you that last meal. You can order anything you want and they have to give it to you. (I believe it’s in the Constitution.) I’d request take-out. And I’d want to pick it up myself. Alone. That would be my request, dinner alone in my own car. They’d have to let me go, wouldn’t they? Otherwise my attorney could argue that my constitutional rights had been violated and the judge would have to throw the case out. It isn’t as though I’d take off or anything, because when you attempt to escape from prison they extend your sentence. In the case of the electric chair, they extend your electrocution — less voltage, but more time, producing significantly greater agony and reducing the facility’s carbon footprint! (I call that a Lose-Win.) So I’d get back promptly, maybe even a few minutes early. I’m not going to have much of an appetite anyway. I can never eat right before an execution, especially my own. I’d just want to get some air and maybe give the governor’s office a quick call to see if he received my last forty-seven letters.
A few weeks ago I watched a show that said cows in a field all stand facing the same direction. This scientist had supposedly studied worldwide satellite images and noticed that cows always face either north or south. His theory was that they could somehow sense the Earth’s magnetic poles. Well there are plenty of cows around where I live and I see them every day. What I’ve noticed is that they all face any direction they want. There does appear to be a lead cow who, at some point announces, “All right, girls, time for lunch,” and then they walk over to the buffet together. But I doubt they know anything about magnetic fields, and for sure they’ve never watched that show. The scientist is clearly a lunatic with too much time on his hands. My theory is that cows can tune in to radio stations, probably through those little horns. They face in different directions because the signal is stronger depending on whether they’re listening to classical, hip hop, or the best of the 80s. At one time, cows all listened to country music, but they eventually got tired of it, as most people have.
As I sit through the same red light for the third time, I notice a plane flying by. I think about the last time I flew, remembering how mind-numbingly long the flight was across the Atlantic. Jets fly at about five hundred miles per hour. Meanwhile, the Earth rotates at a thousand miles per hour. In other words, the planet is spinning twice as fast as the plane is moving. Here’s my idea. You attach one end of a really long cable to the plane and the other end to a satellite orbiting the Earth. Then you hang the plane in mid-air, like a Christmas ornament. You don’t start the engines, but just let the Earth spin by under the plane. When the place you want to land is almost directly below, you disconnect the cable and the plane glides down to the runway. You’re using zero fuel and getting there in half the time. It boggles my mind that the world’s engineers haven’t figured this out, yet here I am, a guy in a car behind a driver on death row, and I can see it clear as day.
There’s a house coming toward me. Actually it’s half a house, being carried on a flat-bed truck. I inch over to the right to avoid being struck by the home’s kitchen, which overhangs the edge of the truck by several feet. I wonder what it would be like to get into an accident with a house, especially if it were the house’s fault. Would we file a claim through our auto insurance or homeowner’s?
People have asked me if I dream in black & white or color. I’m a little hesitant to tell them that I usually dream in ultraviolet. On cloudy nights, I dream in X-rays and even gamma rays, and for a few seconds right after I wake up I can see through furniture. I don’t tell anyone this because I’m afraid they’ll think me an odd duck, when all I’ve ever wanted in my life was to be thought of as a normal duck.
This is strange, but speaking of ducks: We’re inching across a causeway now, and there are several ducks floating in the harbor. I try to imagine what it’s like to spend so much time on the water, never knowing if you’re about to be devoured by something from just under the surface. There are sharks out there. Sharks have a terrible reputation, mostly as a result of their own unsettling behavior. But maybe they aren’t really mean, I think. Maybe they eat people and ducks just because they sometimes they get tired of seafood, and would like to try some meat or poultry. In a flash of insight I speculate about whether all sharks might be swimming in the same direction, but I decide not to follow up.
I was in the dollar store earlier. I don’t normally like going in there because I get tired of having the same thought over and over (“How can they possibly make something like that and sell it for a dollar?”) But I had to get some greeting cards, and while there I noticed a card that says, “Congratulations! You’re 100!” I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now that I’m sitting in the car with nothing else to do, I’ve decided that if I live to a hundred and somebody gives me a birthday card from the dollar store, I’m going to scribble something rude on the inside and hand it right back to them. At some point, it’s time for a little respect. In fact, if it turns out that reincarnation is real, I think I’ll put in my application to come back as a warlord. I don’t really know what a warlord is, but I hear about them in the news a lot and they sound like somebody you don’t mess with. I’m done being messed with. If I had my Gamma Ray Vision working, I’d vaporize this guy in the Ford Focus right now.
Wait a minute! We’re coming up to a red light and he’s moving into the right lane! I think I’ll ease up slowly next to his car and give him a look. I even consider telling him that I’m coming back as a warlord and that he’d better watch out, but then I remember that he’s on his way to the electric chair. Besides, it’s possible that my application might be rejected and I could come back as a cow and he could come back as the warlord, one with an insatiable taste for beef.
As I turn to look, I discover that he isn’t a death row inmate at all, or even a man. The driver of the Ford Focus is an elderly woman. She can barely see over the steering wheel, which she’s clutching with both hands. She looks hesitant, even a little frightened. She also seems tiny, her car dwarfed by the trucks and gas-guzzling monsters that are suddenly all over the road. I turn back and see that the light has changed. We both begin to move forward. The meeting is probably half over by now, but it no longer seems quite as urgent as it did before. I press gently on the brake and let her move ahead. Then I slip in behind the woman’s car and we proceed down the road together at a leisurely pace. I glance in the mirror and can tell that the driver in the vehicle behind me is upset. I don’t care. I’m too busy wondering why it is that sometimes I think too much, and other times I don’t think nearly enough.
Noreen
December 20, 2010
I enjoy the way your mind works. But worse, I understand it.
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2010
I’m not worried.
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Jac
December 20, 2010
Here’s even worse – I’m envious of how your mind works!
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2010
Now I’m worried.
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Beverly Mahone
December 20, 2010
Found you from Mitch’s blog. I have to tell you I don’t normally enjoy reading LONG posts and tend to stop halfway through, but I truly enjoyed reading this. It was very thought-provoking in the sense that it makes us all have to wonder why we’re so busy rushing all the time. And bless that little old lady’s heart. Perhaps she was THINKING too! 🙂
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bronxboy55
December 20, 2010
Beverly,
Thank you for the nice comments. I just visited your blog briefly and was amazed at how much is there. I’ll be back to read more. Thanks again.
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souldipper
December 20, 2010
Charles, here’s some relief. You can forget all that nonsense about cows facing the same direction. Here’s what you really need to know about cows. If they are lying down? Get back to the prison immediately. Those cows are telling you it’s going to rain. You don’t want to be sitting in that chair wet!
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
I don’t want to be sitting in that chair at all, but I guess you’re right: wet would be worse. As for the cows facing the same direction, if I ever did see it, I’d try to come up with a simpler explanation first. Like, maybe cows have sensitive eyes and they all turn to face away from the sun or blowing dust. Or maybe they have some built-in follow-the-leader mechanism, similar to flocks of birds or schools of fish or political parties.
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Earth Ocean Sky Redux
December 20, 2010
I seem to do my clear thinking ONLY in the car. In the house there’s always a TV, radio, or computer on. There’s the dog to let in and out. There’s the phone to answer. The email to respond to. The blog to keep going. Husband with whom to carry on scintillating conversation. So many distractions. Yet, in the car, I am totally at one with myself and make the best decisions. I remember that I need one more Christmas gift for grandma. I think of a great title for the next blog entry. I note that I should watch the lunar eclipse tonight. I bring about world peace and cure all diseases. Then I get home, out of my car, and forget everything that has come into my pea brain while driving. So next time you are Thinking and Driving, would you kindly invent a “remember” button for my steering wheel so I can push it, speak directly into the wheel and have those thoughts land on my computer in the form of a list when I get home. I’d be ever so grateful! Thank you.
I hope you don’t get tired of me saying this, but I love the way you write.
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
That’s a great idea about the steering wheel. Could we invent one for the shower, too? That one could be disguised as a shampoo bottle.
Thanks for the very kind words, EOS. I’ve become a big fan of your blog, too.
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dearrosie
December 20, 2010
How on earth do you manage to write so many funny, and long blogs each week? Do you sleep at all?
and btw I’m glad you changed your photo. I personally prefer to correspond with a person rather than a thingie – what was it? A waterfall? – no matter how nice the picture.
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
It was a Japanese lantern. I wasn’t sure which was worse, using an inanimate object to represent myself, or changing the picture after people had gotten used to the inanimate object. Thanks for the reassurance, Rose.
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Melinda
December 20, 2010
That was great! The plane idea is just genius. And the birthday card!! Ha ha. You’d think you would deserve better. Maybe by 100 you can’t see the card anyways and won’t know the difference. Love your writing!
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
The weird thing about the dollar store is that they have the cards with the ages on them for young children. I don’t think it goes any higher than 11 or 12, and then there’s this jump all the way to 100. They don’t have a card that says, “Hey! Guess who’s 67!” Maybe it’s for the reason you suggested. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that by the time I’m a hundred, dollar stores will have been replaced by ten-dollar stores. And that seems acceptable.
Thanks for the comment, Melinda.
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mirroredImages
December 21, 2010
OK, let’s get the usual accolades out of the way. You’re hilarious. You write like you know what you’re doing. You think a lot about things that everyone else thinks about too, but you find things to say about them that everyone else wishes they had said first. Now, that being done: Did you really write this post whilst driving?
I liked the ending on this one particularly. It had a nice tender turn to it that was touching. I’m sorry you missed your meeting and that you thought of scary things like sharks and electric chairs and getting crappy cards when you reach 100. But this post was lovely and worth all of it.
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
Thanks, Julia. Getting compliments from a talented writer like you is always appreciated. Technically, I didn’t type the words while driving, but I had plenty of time for moving paragraphs around in my head. (By the way, whilst?)
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mirroredImages
December 21, 2010
yest
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Priya
December 21, 2010
There is Christmas spirit out there, even in slow moving traffic! Yes, I thought I could sense that.
I love the way this post has ended. And the fact that I could actually envision the lady. It is like being transported there. Though now I am wondering whether I was hovering around your cars. And if yes, was there a really long cable attached to me? Was the other end hooked to a satellite? And if yes, I’d have to be moving twice as fast as the two of you. Probably I would’ve just caught a glimpse, then. Or maybe not. But now, I am thinking too much, aren’t I?
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
Priya, you wouldn’t need a cable. In fact, I’d be shocked to find out that you don’t have super powers. As for thinking too much, I’m sure you were doing that long before you met me.
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Marie M
December 21, 2010
Had to LOL a lot reading this one! Your mind is a formidable entity! Thank you for sharing. : > )
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
Thanks, Marie. I feel the same way about your mind. (Maybe it was something in the water at WSH?) (That’s Westchester Square Hospital, where we were both born.)
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Amiable Amiable
December 21, 2010
Still laughing about cows tuning in to radio stations with their horns, and turning around in fields to get the best reception!
Followed by more laughter at the comment from souldipper about their ability to predict rain and the implications inclement weather would have for you in the electric chair.
Followed by relief that you didn’t do anything to harm that old lady in such a way that would have landed you on death row.
Followed my even more relief that you weren’t hit by a kitchen while you were being courteous toward and thoughtful about that poor little senior.
You are the best at making people laugh and think, Charles!
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
Thanks, AA. I know how busy you are, and I appreciate that you took the time to plow through this one.
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Mitch
December 21, 2010
Great stuff as usual, Charles. My mind tends to wander when I drive, or used to before I started listening to books on tape. I started getting scared of arriving at places and not knowing how I got there.
As to those little old folks driving cars they can barely see out of, I have to admit that freaks me out as well, but I figure they got their licenses so they have to be adequate at least.
And the cows thing… as I was reading that first part I was thinking I’d read that somewhere myself, but had seen cows not paying any attention to it. Maybe someone needs to go tell them, eh?
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bronxboy55
December 21, 2010
I also listen to books on tape, as well as courses from the Teaching Company. Are you familiar with their stuff?
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Mitch
December 23, 2010
Actually I am, but my wife is more the purveyor of their stuff than I am. I listen to mainly fiction these days, though I still get into an occasional biography.
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cooperstownersincanada
December 21, 2010
I, too, enjoy the way your mind works. Another excellent read! Thanks for sharing this.
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bronxboy55
December 22, 2010
I’ve been meaning to thank you, Kevin. Your excellent blog has helped me rediscover that love of baseball I had as a kid. I appreciate the incredible amount of research that you put into each post.
http://kevinglew.wordpress.com/
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Allan Douglas
December 21, 2010
LOL! Such good stuff, and most of it is funny because it is familiar. Mr. Ford Focus is indeed fortunate that you did not have the gamma ray vision enabled that day. I don’t have much trouble with this because most people here drive like moonshine runners. They consider speed limits to be mere suggestions. *I* end up being the Mr. Ford Focus because I have the audacity to obey the speed limit. *Except* when I’m late for something, then I’ll end up behind Granny Moses who has no drivers license because she can’t pass the eye test but considers operating a motor vehicle to be a God given right, so she drives anyway; just real slow so when she runs off the road she can pull it back onto the pavement without much damage. And, who can get mad at someone who probably bakes the best chocolate chip cookies in the county?
Your orbital airplane model reminds me of the Artsutanov Elevator. The idea is that, as you propose, a geosynchronous space station with a cable coming back to Earth, but instead of lifting aircraft (a novel thought I must say) it is fastened to the Earth and is used by an elevator car that transports people and supplies to the space station without rockets or fuel. Seems like a good idea except I have ridden to the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago in a high speed elevator. It took quite a while. If it took that long to climb just over 1,400 feet, it would have to take a week to ascend the 44,600 MILES needed to achieve geosynchronous orbit. All I can say is that those elevators better have bathrooms!
Love the bit with the cows. A buddy of mine once told me that you can predict rain by watching cows. When they all get down on the ground it’s because a rainstorm is coming and they know the ground will get soft, and they might fall over and get hurt, so they kneel down on the ground. If they’re all standing, no rain in the immediate future. But if any of them are wearing bikinis while laying on the ground, the bet is off, they’re just catching some rays.
Thanks for another great laugh, Charles. Several actually. My wife is beginning to wonder what it is I’m reading. As soon as I’m done here I’ll let her have a look. I expect she’ll enjoy it too.
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bronxboy55
December 22, 2010
I’m not sure if you take requests, but your experience with local drivers sounds as though it would make an interesting and humorous post. I did have the space elevator in mind when I wrote about the airplanes. It seems like a crazy idea and I don’t know if they’re actually working on it, but I’d agree with you about the bathrooms.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Allan. I hope you and Marie have a wonderful Christmas.
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shoreacres
December 22, 2010
The point that got to me is a little hidden in all that, but it’s there. We live in a world where there are a lot of hesitant, frightened folks trying to make their way from one point in life to another. Sometimes they’re literally in cars, and sometimes they’re not.
The least we can do is run a little interference for them, or give them directions, or even take on ourselves the responsiblity for getting them home safely. I was awfully glad a security guard did that for my mom a few years ago when she got lost in a rainstorm, took a wrong road and ended up at a warehouse in the KCMO red light district. “Oh, lady,” he said. “Are YOU in the wrong place!” But he got things straightened out, called my uncle and got her home.
I’ve never looked at those little old ladies and men the same way since. 😉
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bronxboy55
December 22, 2010
I think most of us tend to see other people as supporting actors in our movie, and sometimes they’re just in the way. What I try to do — try, and I occasionally succeed — is tell myself that the other person may be in some kind of distress, or recovering from an injury, or dealing with a crisis that I know nothing about. I don’t know why this is so difficult and why I need frequent reminders, but it is, and I do. Your blog is one of my best resources.
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Jessica Sieghart
December 22, 2010
Once I envisioned the cow horns tuned into an 80’s station and doing the moon walk all while facing north and wearing a sequin glove on one foot, it was all over for me. I was giggling so much that I couldn’t even appreciate how genius your plane idea was until I read your post a second time. You now have me thinking differently about being stuck in traffic and driving. I’m almost hoping it will happen to me today so I can pay attention to what pops in my mind. Truly entertaining post, Charles! Loved it!
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bronxboy55
December 22, 2010
You took the cow thing much farther than I did. And the airplane idea was just a variation on the space elevator theory (see Allan’s comment). But I’m looking forward to reading about that next thing that pops into your mind. I’m sure it’ll be brilliant.
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Patricia
December 22, 2010
Hi Charles
I am still laughing after this post. Your mind goes into overdrive by the sound of things lol Brilliant post. You and Melinda (from Finding The Humor)seem to have the same sense of humour (spelt it the correct English way did you notice 😉 and I enjoy her blog too.
Keep the posts coming Charles. Cheers up us serious bloggers that’s for sure 😉
Patricia Perth Australia
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bronxboy55
December 22, 2010
Thanks, Patricia. It’s always nice to hear from you, and I appreciate the comparison to Melinda’s blog. Have a wonderful holiday!
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shoreacres
December 22, 2010
Every kid needs a toy for Christmas. Even though you’re a boy, I’ll bet you’d like the Bronte Sisters Power Dolls, or know someone who would! It’s not too late, you know!
Merry Christmas!
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