I am not superstitious. I want to get that out of the way right up front. My words, thoughts, or actions do not directly affect outside events. No ritual, no matter how perfectly or faithfully performed, is going to alter anything that I would otherwise be unable to change through my own efforts. I am a rational, analytical, and logical being.
On the other hand, my gums do hurt.
About twenty-five years ago, a dentist told me I should have my wisdom teeth taken out. I went to another dentist, a family friend, for a second opinion. He advised me to leave them alone, which I did. Our daughter had all four wisdom teeth extracted several years ago, and our son went through the same procedure just last month. We were standing in the kitchen recently, talking about who still had their wisdom teeth and I told the story of the two dentists. Then I said, with astounding foolishness, “I intend to keep mine for the rest of my life.”
The next day, my wisdom teeth answered back: “We heard that!” It was as though they had been listening through the wall. I felt a weird pain in my gums on the upper right side. Three days later, the pain switched over to the upper left. Nothing excruciating. Just an insistent pressure and an occasional twinge. I think my wisdom teeth were scolding me: “Don’t you ever tell us what to do. We’re all the wisdom you’ve got.”
I’d heard that voice before. In fact, I’ve learned that I shouldn’t discuss my health in any detail, with anyone, ever. When my doctor asks how I’m feeling, I tell him it’s none of his business. Because here’s what happens. Someone I know is sick. He has a cold. He’s whining and dripping and sneezing his head off. He says, “Don’t you hate having a cold?” And I pause for a second or two, thinking. Then I say the words I should never say: “I can’t remember the last time I was sick. I haven’t had a cold in I don’t know how long. Years.” Later that week, I’m whining and dripping and sneezing my head off. Now you may be assuming that I caught the cold from my friend, that he was spreading his germs everywhere and I was in the line of fire. But no, that’s usually not what happens. I’m talking to the person on the phone. He’s miles away, maybe hundreds of miles. It’s either a strange coincidence or my own declaration of health is making me sick. I prefer to believe it’s a coincidence.
But what about my back? I ruptured a disc in 2005. That pain was excruciating. Sometimes my knees would hurt, while other days it was my thighs or lower back; frequently, it was all three. I couldn’t sleep on my stomach or stand up straight. If I coughed or yawned, it would end with a scream. I tried physical therapy, a chiropractor, acupuncture, heating pads, cold packs, medication, swimming, walking, curling up in a fetal position, and whimpering. Eventually I realized the health care system held out no hope beyond the exercise I got while changing position in front of the X-ray machine, or trying to put on my socks. I decided to find my own solution.
My wife bought me a portable jacuzzi for the bathtub. However, the powerful bubbling action promised on the package failed to appear. I could have filled the tub with ginger ale and gotten the same effect. For my birthday, I received a pair of blue vinyl massage boots that attached to an air pump; the boots covered my feet and legs to just below the knees, and alternately inflated and deflated, simulating a deep muscle massage. Not only was the pain still there, but when the boots inflated and squeezed tight, I could feel my eyes popping out of my head.
One day, about ten months after the initial injury, I was walking from our son’s bus stop back to the house. I said nothing, but thought to myself, “Hey. I’m walking straight. And it doesn’t hurt!”
That afternoon, I picked up the metal cage holding our two dwarf rabbits, Sophia and Loren. As I moved in one direction, the rabbits hopped across the bottom of the cage in another, shifting the weight. That’s all it took. I felt a hot bolt of lightning streak up my spine, and I was on my back for another two weeks. Was it Sophia and Loren’s fault? Or did I do it to myself?
I repeat again: I don’t believe in any of the superstitions or magical thinking people cling to. I was once in a car with a friend and we were going out for lunch. She was driving and as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot, we noticed that the place was packed. She immediately began to pray, out loud.
“What are you praying about?” I asked.
“For a parking space,” she said, sounding quite surprised by my question.
I looked around and silently wondered what that would look like if the prayer were answered. All of the parking spaces are filled with cars. She prays for a place to park, and then what? Suddenly there’s an open spot? After we pull in, will someone come out of the restaurant to discover that his car has disappeared? Where exactly would it have gone? If I had been looking in the right place at just the right moment, would I have seen the car vanish?
Another time I was expecting a check to arrive in the mail. As with all checks over three dollars, it was late. The post office, I believe, has its own X-ray machine, and stores envelopes containing large checks in a dark room for several weeks before sending them out for delivery. As I headed out to get the mail, someone told me to “think positive.” Again, is it possible that my thoughts would have any influence on whether or not that check would be in the box? It was mid-afternoon, so the mail had all been delivered. Either it was in there or it wasn’t. Could my positive thinking cause the check to vanish from the dark storage room and reappear in my mailbox? On the contrary, after waiting for so many weeks, I believed it less likely that it would show up on any given day. My thinking that it would be there on the exact day it arrived seemed to be a coincidence too great to hope for, or even pray for. Positive thinking, I imagined, would pretty much guarantee that the check would never come.
This idea is related to another example, one with life threatening implications.
I’m about to drive across a bridge. The bridge has been standing for decades. It has never fallen. I’ll be on it for a few minutes. What are the chances that it will fall during those few minutes, when it’s been here all this time? But here’s the real key: Having these thoughts while I’m on the bridge adds another layer of coincidence. What are the chances that it will collapse while I’m on it and while I’m thinking about it collapsing? By focusing on this mental image of the bridge falling into the river below, I virtually ensure that I’ll make it across safely. In addition, the people in the other cars will be safe, too. Using this method over many years, I have saved the lives of countless thousands of unsuspecting drivers, as well as their passengers. I do the same thing when boarding an airplane, walking under a construction crane, or swimming in the ocean.
Does all of this make me superstitious? Of course not. As I said, I’m a rational, analytical, and logical being. I just don’t want to jinx myself.
Betty Londergan
October 19, 2010
When I scrolled down and saw those blue vinyl massage boots, complete with attached air pump, I thought I was going to die laughing — seriously? you bought those??? I think it’s a very accurate gauge of the amount of pain you must have been in!! But by the way, I have the exact same propensity to overstate my health (i’m not going to say it) — and then immediately be struck down by whatever flu, cold, ailment I confidently predicted I would never get. I think the Greeks had it right, imagining all the gods up there just waiting to smite you for vanity and hubris!
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2010
Too bad you weren’t here to see me in the boots in person. It was five years ago and I swear I can still hear whispering and giggling whenever I leave the room.
Greek gods. I never thought of that. The Goddess of Health was Hygeia. (I just looked it up.) Let’s blame her!
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Betty Londergan
October 19, 2010
Oh, one more thing – I had to suffer through somebody giving me an endless smug lecture on hydration the other day, and all I could think of was — hey! I’ve got a blog you need to read!!
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2010
I think Aquarius was the Greek god of hydration. I’d refer all arguments to her.
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heidit
October 19, 2010
I very much relate to what you’ve said here. I, too, am a fairly rational, logical person. When people talk about praying for things, I often wonder what that would look like. For me, it had to do with grades–while the teacher was handing out graded tests, some students would pray for a good grade, but all I could wonder was whether that praying would actually change the mark written on the paper. What if they had numerous questions wrong? Would the teacher just have marked them as though they were correct or would the answers on the tests change?
I have had the exact same thoughts about the mail as you, as well as about the bridges, although for me, it has more to do with earthquakes at exactly the wrong moment, and that’s all I’m willing to say about that. Not because I’m superstitious but because things have a way of coming back to haunt me, similar to the cold you mentioned.
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2010
Have you ever watched the show Deal or No Deal? The contestant picks a case to open and then starts pleading with the woman holding it to please make it a small dollar amount. That would be a good trick, almost as good as the changing test grades.
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shoreacres
October 20, 2010
Catching a cold over the phone? That’s nothing. Haven’t you heard about the true computer viruses? That’s right. A blogger in East Harwich comes down with it, tells a friend in Montreal, who passes it on to that nice lady in Alabama and the next thing you know – the whole crew is sick in bed, trying to figure out whether they should take orange juice and aspirin or a double dose of McAfee.
As for that magical thinking (for that’s what it is – magical, not positive), my area of expertise is hurricanes. I’m utterly convinced that if I act as though a Cat 23 is heading my way and prepare for it, it won’t happen. Or, if it does, the damage will veer around my house.
I’ll not bore you with the details of what real preparation looks like, except to say the last time I tied up a boat (before Rita) they called me Charlotte for months because of the web I weaved with the boat lines. And yes, every June I pack up my treasures and drive them 45 miles north, out of the storm surge zone to a climate controlled storage unit near Houston’s intercontinental airport.
When Ike rolled through, my place was at ground zero. Ike hit Saturday night/Sunday morning, and when I called the house late Sunday, the answering machine picked up. The power was on. I rest my case.
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2010
I’ve seen people watching a football game on television, and when their team’s fortunes begin to improve, they believe that if they keep doing whatever they were doing at the turning point, the team’s success will continue. I can understand the athletes going through their little rituals to give themselves some mental edge, but spectators on the couch at home?
On the other hand, your hurricane routine reminded me of something I said to my wife just the other day. We were in a store and I spotted some very unexpected item on a shelf. I don’t remember what it was, but I said, “If we had come in here looking for this, there’s no way it would have been here.”
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cooperstownersincanada
October 20, 2010
Another hilarious article. Thanks for sharing this. I suppose I am a tad superstitious about certain things, especially sleep. I don’t want the idea that I might not fall asleep to enter my mind while I’m in bed. Hopefully, I haven’t jinxed myself. 🙂
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bronxboy55
October 21, 2010
I have that one, too, Kevin. If I know I have to get up early the next morning, I usually lie in bed for about six hours, wide awake. Then the next day, as soon as I get into the car, I feel sleepy.
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Mitch
October 20, 2010
Great stuff, Charles. Of course, I now have to take the challenge, mainly because I take it every year. I haven’t had a serious cold in 11 years, as in September 1st, 1999. I’ve had a cough here and there and maybe some sniffles, but nothing that’s put me to bed for a day or so. I don’t count food poisoning because you never know when food is going to take you down. That, and I haven’t fallen on the ice since I was 13 years old.
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bronxboy55
October 21, 2010
You’re a brave man, Mitch. When someone asks how I’m feeling, I just say, “No comment.”
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Amiable Amiable
October 20, 2010
Like Betty, I cracked up at the blue boots! I’d say your posts are so great, but I don’t want to jinx you! Today, for real, I returned from a business meeting across town with a co-worker and the clock in my car read 3:32. I would not allow her to get out of the car until 3:33, because you know you’re supposed to make a wish whenever the numbers are the same, right? I’m pretty sure people die if they don’t. Fortunately, my co-worker shared my superstition – she even closed her eyes to make a wish at 3:33! It’s a good day when your co-worker doesn’t die in your car – let me tell ya! And, of course, she couldn’t tell me her wish or it wouldn’t come true. Another coincidence: today I made an appointment with my doctor for back pain. Can I just borrow those boots?
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bronxboy55
October 24, 2010
I’ve never heard that about the clock. That could add up to a lot of wishes every day, especially if you’re a clock watcher.
Sorry, I sold the boots on eBay. Maybe you should check there. I’m sure someone is trying to get rid of them.
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Patricia
October 22, 2010
No I’m not superstitious but I don’t take risks either! Very thought provoking post Charles as always .BTW my products should be up in about a week. Techie coming to sort with me on Monday. Did you source the products to help with the shaving rash?Hope you have it sorted.
Patricia Perth Australia
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bronxboy55
October 24, 2010
I haven’t been able to find lavender products here. I’ll keep searching, but I may have to place an order with you.
Thanks for the nice comment. Good luck on Monday!
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dearrosie
October 22, 2010
I nearly fell off my chair I laughed so much at the blue vinyl boots. And once I caught my breath, I started sneezing.
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bronxboy55
October 24, 2010
Somewhere in our house there’s a picture of me wearing the boots. I promise as soon as I find it, I’m going to burn it.
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dearrosie
October 24, 2010
No you shouldn’t destroy it. I think you should make at least an 11 x 14 enlargement of “BronxyBoy-in-Boots” and hang it on the wall where you can see it every day. heh heh
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Mitchell Allen
October 30, 2010
Hi Charles, Mitch Mitchell says, “Hi! Go visit this funny blog.”
Nice to meet you. I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re not a rabid baseball fan with a lucky shirt…
I think you said it best when you explained the bridge. That’s why, in simpler times, it was hilarious when comedians explained the logic of carrying a bomb aboard a plane {looks around nervously} because, “what are the odds of there being TWO bombs on board?” har har, right?
Anyway, I’m bookmarking you for future visits.
Cheers,
Mitch
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bronxboy55
November 1, 2010
Mitch,
I used to be a rabid baseball fan, but the Mets broke my heart too many times. Now I’m just an interested observer, currently rooting for the Giants to take the Series — but if Texas wins, that’s okay, too.
Thanks for the comment. I’m heading over to your blog right now to check it out.
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partialview
November 9, 2010
I had to come back. And write – I am very superstitious! I did enjoy your logic and reasoning too, though. There is no logic in superstition, I know. But that’s what makes it enormously ‘lateral’, I think. 🙂
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bronxboy55
November 9, 2010
It’s an ongoing debate between the two sides of my brain. One side knows superstitions are irrational, but the other side finds some comfort in them. That’s what I tried to admit in this post. I also have a feeling that most people are walking around having similar debates in their minds, whether they own up to it or not. On the other hand, you seem very comfortable with it, and probably don’t waste a lot of energy arguing with yourself.
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partialview
November 9, 2010
Well, there is so much focus on ‘explanation’ in this world, that I do sometimes acknowledge my lack of sense (mostly to myself). So, like everyone else, I debate in my head. Mostly to STOP myself from believing in things that can’t be explained. But I suppose what makes me appear comfortable is that I do not attempt to explain my beliefs to people. Whenever I’ve tried, I’ve got into confrontations. And I am extremely scared of them.
One very well guarded secret is that I usually keep mum because I know the person in the opposite court will ‘see’ it one day. And hopefully give me credit for having ‘known’ it already. But they rarely do…
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bronxboy55
November 9, 2010
I think logic can take you only so far. We can’t understand everything, and so our minds naturally try to fill in the gaps. What results may be ridiculous or irrational, but if it completes the picture in some way, what’s the harm?
(And your secret is safe with me.)
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