My wife says I have mood swings, but I really don't see it.
• Why does everything I drop while I’m driving — every single thing — fall between the seats? The space is a tiny fraction of the overall area inside the front of the car. If I wanted something to drop into that narrow crevice, I’d have to try eight or nine times. But it doesn’t matter if it’s popcorn, a receipt, aspirin, a pen, or a quarter. If it slips from my fingers it’s going to end up between the seats. And trust me, I’m not sticking my hand down there ever again.
• If I see one more yogurt commercial, especially the ones talking about prebiotic cultures, I’m putting the television out in the driveway. While we’re at it, let’s throw in toilet paper commercials, especially the ones with those bears. And that gooney guy who wants us to mail him our unwanted gold. I wouldn’t send him my unwanted Halloween candy.
• Why is everyone saying “sort of” all the time? When did this start? “We’d like to have a sort of dessert after dinner.” What is a sort of dessert? The only one I can think of is rhubarb pie. People used to say um and you know. I never thought I’d miss that, but this new thing is sort of driving me crazy.
• The automatic faucets and paper towel dispensers in public bathrooms don’t like me. They don’t even see me. I watch as a man puts his hands under the faucet and gets a nice spray; then he strolls over to the paper towel machine and out comes a sheet. I go over to the sink and wave my hands around like my pants are on fire and I don’t get a drop. And if I do, the paper towel dispenser goes blind as soon as I show up. Why can’t we go back to normal things, regular faucets and the paper towel machine with the little turn thing on the side? I don’t like feeling invisible in the men’s room. I especially don’t like when the urinal flushes while I’m still standing there.
• I can’t open things anymore. It isn’t that I’ve gotten weak, and I don’t have arthritis. But I can’t pull open the bag inside the cereal box. Or even potato chips. I have to get scissors. And where are the scissors, anyway? They’re supposed to be on top of the refrigerator. The cakes from our supermarket come in a two-piece plastic container that requires a power saw to open. And where is the power saw, anyway? It’s supposed to be on top of the refrigerator.
• Things get tangled up all by themselves — chains, necklaces, extension cords. You put them into a drawer and don’t touch them for six months, and when you take them out of the drawer they’re tied in knots. What kind of magic voodoo drawer is this? Other things get snagged on doorknobs as I walk by. I could be carrying something with a long belt attached and it will somehow loop around any protruding object; I’m the only person I know who gets whiplash while doing the laundry.
• Our teenage son has earphones plugged in and is playing music every minute of the day. I’ve given up trying to convince him how obnoxious this is, but at the same time he also insists on listening in when my wife and I are having a conversation. He’s four feet away and can’t hear a word we’re saying. So every time one of us completes a sentence, he wants to know what we’re talking about. I secretly wish his earphones would get snagged on a doorknob, but it never happens.
• Whenever I’m going into the bank, there’s always someone who’s approaching just behind me. And I always do this idiot thing: I hold the door open for the other person. I let them go in first. Then what happens? They get on line in front of me. I have one little check to cash and they’re doing their entire month’s banking — paying bills, opening a new account, depositing rolls of nickels, and asking endless questions about current interest rates and next year’s holiday hours. And the whole time, I’m standing there wondering why, if I’m so courteous that I would hold the door for this person, am I having such evil thoughts about them now?
• I hate listening to descriptions of stereo equipment. I have no interest in speakers, how many there are or how much power they have. I’ve been enduring these conversations since the tenth grade. I didn’t know what sub-woofers were then and I doubt I’ll develop any real curiosity about them in the future.
• When you buy software that does your tax return, why do the people on the package look so happy? They’re always smiling, as though they just won the lottery. My wife and I have been doing our taxes together for seventeen years and we have never smiled, not even once.
• Why is it so impossible for magazine companies to believe that I may not want to renew my subscription? I lived fifty years without having their pathetic publication stuffed into my mailbox, but now they find it inconceivable that I can survive without it for the next twelve months (even at 47% off the regular newsstand price).
• Why can’t three-year-olds say spaghetti? They all say puh-SGETTI. If the word really were puh-SGETTI, would they mispronounce it and say spaghetti? I think they’re doing it on purpose.
• Sometimes my wife and I come home from the supermarket and I stick my key in the front door and turn it and nothing happens. The lock won’t budge. I jiggle the key, then use constant pressure, then turn it softly. I try to sneak up on the lock, waiting a few seconds and then giving the key a sudden hard twist. More jiggling. Some aggressive language. Nothing works. Minutes go by and the door will not open. My wife says, “Let me try,” as though, what? I’ve forgotten how to unlock a door? I gesture for her to go ahead if she thinks she can do better. She places her thumb and forefinger on the key and gives it a gentle turn and the door flies open. I go in, mad, but also frustrated because I don’t quite know who to be mad at. I’m thinking the lock was designed by the same person who invented the automatic water faucet. Then the thought of the water faucet really irritates me because we’ve been standing in the rain for five minutes trying to get into our own house and now we’re soaked. Yet I’m also comforted by the simple thought that among the groceries is a lemon pound cake. I just have to get inside with all the bags without getting snagged on the doorknob. And then I’ll have to find the power saw so I can get the cake container open. Well, first I’ll need to untangle the extension cord. I know it seems like a lot of effort, but all day I’ve been looking forward to a sort of dessert after dinner. Dessert always helps me feel better. Or at least a little less cranky.
Mostly Bright Ideas 
heidit
August 27, 2010
Is it wrong that I found this hilarious? I promise I’m not laughing AT your crankiness, just alongside it.
Regarding your speaker issue, I have a similar issue with trucks. I’m fairly certain there are large groups of men who are paid to sit at a long table and create words that make trucks sound way better than they are. If we really investigate, though, we’d probably discover that words like “torque” and “hemi” really don’t mean anything at all. These men just thought the words sounded cool.
One day, I’m going to have a conversation with someone and I’m going to use “torque” and “hemi” to describe my computer and just see if the person notices. I’ll say things like, “I just got a new computer and it’s got fifteen kgs of torque. Of course, that’s to be expected because of the massive hemi it’s got. All that adds up to 50 horsepower of RAM. So you’ve got to know it’s a good computer.”
I actually think the same thing is true of yogurt companies. I’m sure someone, somewhere, is making up words that have no meaning and attaching them to various yogurts to make them sound super fantastic. One day, I’m going to use words like “probiotic” to describe my computer.
“Of course my computer has 15 kgs of torque,” I’ll say. “It’s got 30 probiotics and a hemi. My computer makes your computer look like a calculator, it’s so awesome.” I’m sure that will just blow someone’s mind.
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bronxboy55
August 27, 2010
I was just saying the other day that I can’t stand the truck commercials, the ones with all the heavy-handed, macho language and the big chunky all-cap text that falls from the sky like a load of bricks. It seems insulting, but I guess it works. And now that you mention it, I remember the computer ads (at least in print) used to sound similar. The newest models were always “blazing fast.”
By the way, the crankiness is just an act. I find that my eternally sunny outlook gets on everyone’s nerves, so I pretend to be grouchy.
Thanks for the nice comment, Heidi. So good to have you back!
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cooperstownersincanada
August 27, 2010
I know you’re not a big Seinfeld fan, but Kenny Banya would say, “This is gold, Charles. Gold.” Very funny stuff. I have the same problem with the new faucets in public washrooms and holding the door for people at the bank. Hope it stops raining for you soon 🙂
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bronxboy55
August 27, 2010
Maybe the faucets in public bathroom are programmed, like slot machines. Sometimes you win a little, sometimes you get nothing, and once in a while you hit the jackpot. I’m still waiting.
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charlespaolino
August 27, 2010
. . . and to go along with your observation about “sort of,” why do people who are being interviewed on radio or television now begin all their answers with “So . . . .”?
Q: “Professor Dimwit, can you explain your research into the self-destructive tendencies of the lemming?”
A: “So these rodents have been raised without parental affection, which leads to self-loathing ….”
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bronxboy55
August 27, 2010
It must be an unconscious, nervous habit. I’ve heard people say “sort of” two or three times in the same sentence. I’ll start paying attention to the “So” alternative and try to determine which is more prevalent.
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Mitch
August 28, 2010
First, you’re killing me! Great stuff I must say. Second, I never asked you this before where you finding these images that you have in your posts? These are also funny and I’d love to have some of these to go into my post every once in a while instead of the images that I am showing.
By the way, your first missive I totally agree with, because it’s amazing how much stuff actually find that little crack between the seats and falls down in there. If you tried to do it on purpose you couldn’t do it.
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bronxboy55
August 28, 2010
The cartoons are all from an online clip-art service called iclipart.com. I download them, then place them into a page layout program, add dialogue, borders, or whatever I want. Then I save the whole thing as one image. The picture at the very top of this post was originally just the one guy with the cloud over his head. I duplicated the image four times, cropped out the cloud in all but one, placed the text, and saved it. Not very hard at all. I’m always amazed at the quality of the images that end up as clip-art. And I’m using just color cartoons — they also have photos, black & white drawings, symbols, borders, and on and on. You can subscribe for a month, three months, a year, and I believe they also have different subscription levels.
Thanks for the nice comment. I’m glad you liked it.
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Amiable Amiable
August 28, 2010
That you can be so hilarious even when you’re cranky is so admirable! Waving your hands around like your pants on fire! I laughed out loud, as I often do with your posts. About things falling into that tiny crevice. Why is it that, when I’m cleaning my car, I can always wedge my hand in just enough to reach the McDonald’s fries but I can never get the spare change? Why is it that the vacuum can get the spare change but can’t get the McDonald’s fries? If I could break open that vacuum at the car wash, I know I’d find enough of my own change to purchase an airline ticket to Sicily!
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bronxboy55
August 28, 2010
Excellent questions. I wish I knew the answers. Maybe we should just stop trying to clean out the space between the seats. Eventually it’ll get completely filled with fries, potato chips, and Skittles, which will condense and harden into a solid, rubbery substance. Then, when we drop the spare change, it should just bounce right back.
I knew once we put our brilliant minds together, we’d figure it out.
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Julia Harris
August 28, 2010
well done, charles. thanks for the laugh. i hate automatic bathrooms too but more than that, i hate the sink countertops that have a skim of water on them so that when you belly up to the faucet for a wash, you come away with a very embarrassing swath of wet across your middle. i hate even more the fact that i tend to make this mistake over and over in bathrooms i visit regularly, so that you’d think a smart person would learn to wipe the sink before moving in for the wash.
funny post. cranky people rule.
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bronxboy55
August 29, 2010
Yes, I forgot about that. Perfect word, too: “skim of water.” You don’t see it until it’s on your clothes, and then you have to hope the automatic hand dryer will come on so you can get rid of the embarrassing swath; actually, the drying process is embarrassing as well, isn’t it?
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Julia Harris
August 28, 2010
altho i sort of have to comment on the sort of comment. along with “crap” and “people suck,” the phrase “sort of” makes me happy, sort of, and i sort of love it. it allows a person to sort of say whatever they want, sort of like adding “i’m just saying” after whatever sort of insult a person might want to lob out at another person, and it sort of makes it not hurt as much. sort of.
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bronxboy55
August 29, 2010
I don’t think I explained it well. It isn’t the phrase “sort of,” which can be used to mean “kind of like,” that bothers me. Sometimes we want to be clear that we’re not clear: “It was a sort of grayish brown color, and sort of furry. Everything happened so fast. It grabbed my Saint Bernard and then they were both gone. I think it was some sort of giant lizard.” That’s not it. I’m talking about using “sort of” to modify words that don’t need modifying. The result makes no sense, mostly because the speaker isn’t intending to modify anything; he’s using the phrase as a filler, the way people used to say “like.” Like now means said. (“He was like, what are you doing? And I was like, nothing. And he was like, well give me back my crutches.”) Maybe most people filter out the throwaway phrases, and that’s why they’re not bothered by them. If you watch television or listen to the radio for even a few minutes, you will hear “sort of” over and over — especially on talk shows or anything that involves someone explaining how to do something. (“Then put the onions in a sort of pan…”)
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Betty Londergan
August 29, 2010
you made me laugh out loud … loved the getting caught on doorknobs thing, as it happens to me all the time! and here’s one solution for the scissors dilemma — just buy about 9 pair (dollar store!) and put them all over the house. just one crank’s suggestion as to how to avoid lost scissors rage….
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bronxboy55
August 29, 2010
That’s a good idea. But I have another question for you. If you could snap your fingers and eliminate all of the things that irritate you — okay, not all; say the top five hundred — would you be less stressed and enjoy the contentment? Or would you feel uncomfortable not being annoyed at something and need to move down the list to number 501?
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shoreacres
August 29, 2010
I’ve been sitting here staring into the middle distance, trying to remember someone saying, “…sort of…” I don’t believe I’ve heard that.
On the other hand, there’s this new construction: “I love me some rhubarb pie.” Or whatever. I hear that all the time. I don’t love me anything that I know of – although I would love me a good pair of scissors always at hand to open those danged bags of cereal. I can’t do it, either.
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bronxboy55
August 29, 2010
You must be tuning it out. I need to learn how to do that.
I hear the love me phrase, too; sometimes it’s loves me, as in “I loves me some crawfish pie.” (I’ve never actually heard anyone say that. I was just trying to keep up with you.)
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Amiable Amiable
August 29, 2010
The comments for your posts are just as amusing as the posts. I’m laughing at Betty’s reply about the 9 scissors placed strategically around the house. I buy readers by the dozen at the Dollar Store and do the same thing with them. Without a pair within reach in every room (and in the car to get the stuff in that crevice), I wouldn’t be able to find the scissors. With that said, I can’t find any of the glasses this morning. I’m typing with my feet up and the laptop placed on my shins so I can see the screen (I imagine my back will be hurting after stretching to reach the keyboard). I also had to wrap a gift with the cutlery scissors from the butcher block. It looks much like I trimmed the paper with a chainsaw since I couldn’t see what I was doing.
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bronxboy55
August 30, 2010
And your comments are among the most amusing — including this one.
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Val Erde
August 29, 2010
Try this when you’re next in the car: drop a hint. Bet that won’t fall between the seats.
Scissors. I don’t know what do to about lost scissors. I can usually find scissors, it’s getting the damn things to stay unbroken that gets me.
I’ve never met an automatic faucet (or even an automatic tap. ‘Tap’ is Britspeak for Faucet. Faucet is Americanspeak for Tap. They are pleased to meet each other and we hope they will get along swimmingly.)
I haven’t noticed ‘sort of’ but I rarely watch the TV anymore.
Tell your son: “We are talking about you. We only ever talk about you. What else could we possibly be talking about?” He’ll, hopefully, get paranoid and lower the volume so that he can listen to you. Well, it won’t get him out of your hair, but at least it might get the music turned down.
The thing that drives me crazy is when people use “looking to” in a sentence. Where did this come from? It’s probably in standard dictionaries by now. I hate it. “I am looking to buy a house.” “He was looking to see about getting a new car.” Aaaarrggghhhh!
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bronxboy55
August 30, 2010
I drop hints all the time, but nobody seems to take them.
That’s good advice about our son. I’ve also thought about just moving our lips, pretending we’re talking.
I’m afraid “looking to” is here to stay, so you’d better get used to it.
Thanks for the great comment.
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Kissie
September 5, 2010
Take the earphones with you on your next car ride. 😉
There’s something else you need to know about me, Charles, I am NOT a lol girl. I even wrote a post about it. My daughter is in the other room and she wanted to know why I was laughing every few seconds.
H I L A R I O U S .
I hate to get so much pleasure at the expense of your crankiness, but thanks!
Oops, and now I see you are from the Bronx. My bad. In another post, I asked if you were from Philly or NY. Sorry… I’m new, please don’t add me to your list.
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bronxboy55
September 9, 2010
For some reason, this comment ended up in my Spam folder, which I never remember to look at. I’m glad I finally spotted it, and I’m glad you liked the post. Don’t worry: My list is so long that even if I added you, there’s no chance I’d get to you before 2014.
Thanks, Kissie.
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