This is a trick question. The man is riled (B). The woman is vexed (D). The teacher is discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed (not shown).
There are people who are rarely bothered by anything. They float through life like one of those new car models in the wind tunnel, all aerodynamic and smooth. When something unpleasant happens, they step aside and keep on humming. When someone else is rude or obnoxious, they shrug their shoulders and wish them a good day. When they burn the cookies or get a flat tire or find themselves stuck behind a bad driver, they smile.
I hate those people.
I am an open wound rolling around in a field of poison ivy, broken glass, and barbed wire. In other words, I am affected by everything, and usually not in a good way. If I’m in that wind tunnel, I’ve got all of my doors wide open and there’s a Christmas tree tied to the roof. You know that expression, “water off a duck’s back”? Water never rolls off my back. I’m like one of those quilted paper towels. Or a sponge. No, memory foam: I soak that water up and never let it go.
Now the people I first mentioned, the ones who float through life, they’re unusual. Most people are normal and get annoyed by things at appropriate levels. They can forget some things, react a little to others, and get really steamed once in a while. I may not be normal, but my attitude isn’t unique either. There are a few of us sprinkled throughout the population. We are the ones who have figured out what’s wrong with the world and could fix it all if everyone else would just listen. (Well, we could probably fix something if someone would listen.) (Hey, are you still reading this?)
I recently became acquainted with another blogger, and fellow crank, and commented that she and I were far beyond just having the attitude; we could teach college courses in it. Naturally, no sooner had I typed the words than my idiot brain, not caring that I have eleven or twelve really important things to do, started thinking about what such courses might be like. And hours later and with those same eleven or twelve things still undone, here is what I came up with. These are the courses I could teach, or this other blogger could teach, or we could teach together, assuming we didn’t get on each other’s nerves too much. They’re for anyone who wishes to stop all the humming and smiling and get real. Who wants to move beyond the occasional annoyance of normal people and become one of us. Anyone, in short, who thinks, “Hey, my life seems pretty good right now. I must have missed something.” This program is for Exasperation majors, with a minor in Crabbiness.
Course descriptions:
Intro to Irritation (3 credits)
This entry-level course divides modern society into five general categories: Family Life, Transportation, Politics, Education, and Oral Hygiene. Students will be required to create a collage depicting the ten most irritating people or events in their lives. (The fact that they’re taking a post-secondary course and are still cutting out pictures from magazines can be included in the collage itself.) An essay will be assigned for each of the categories. Possible topics include: How Close I Came to Actually Killing My Little Brother; Why Windshield Wipers Always Break When It’s Raining; I Keep Voting for the Loser; My Math Teacher Wears the Same Shirt Every Day; and Is She Really Going to Explain How To Floss Again?
Annoyance in Prehistoric Cultures (4 credits)
An exploration of ancient civilizations and their treatment of vexatious events. Focus will be on theory as well as physical evidence in answering the following questions: Why does pottery always break? Making fire: wouldn’t matches be a lot easier? Does the goatskin loincloth give everyone a rash, or is it me? When are comfortable shoes going to be invented, maybe something with an arch? Is there a fair way to divide up a deer among an odd number of hunter-gatherers? Why aren’t there more land bridges? Did no one see this Ice Age coming?
Philosophy of Classical Aggravation (4 credits)
Our understanding of annoyance in everyday life has its roots in ancient Greece and Rome. Discussions will include Plato and Socrates and why they couldn’t stand each other; man’s search for meaning, and how lawyers use Latin phrases as a way to help; and the role of the catapult in dealing with stress. The following questions will also be addressed: Are pet peeves imaginary or do they exist in the real world? Which gods’ names can be safely taken in vain, and when? Why does the universe exist, and could it have been located somewhere else, maybe someplace with more parking?
From Gaul to Galling: The Peskiest Events in the History of Western Europe (5 credits)
Session I: The Huns invade from the East, bringing with them bad table manners and an inability to wait their turn. Session II: The Visigoths settle in Roman territory and immediately begin renaming everything. Session III: The Vandals attack Italy, running all over the place and completely ruining the basil crop. Session IV: The bubonic plague causes unusually long wait times at doctors’ offices, and greatly expands the fine print in health insurance policies.
You Say Perturbed, I Say Disturbed (4 credits)
This intermediate course examines the ways in which humans differ in their sensitivity and response to unpleasant events, with special attention paid to married couples. Topics include: Does dirty laundry belong on the floor? You’re crazy: I never said any such thing! And, it’s your turn to watch Sleeping Beauty with her; I’m moving to Argentina. As a final project, students will analyze the film, Making the Bed: What’s the Point? Anyone talking out loud, coughing a lot, or using their cell phone during the movie will receive extra credit.
Frustration and the Modern World (5 credits)
During this eight-week advanced course, students will be subjected to the most maddening aspects of 21st-century life, including repetitive television commercials, attempts to mail a package from the post office, and waiting on line at the supermarket the day before a blizzard. Field trips to the motor vehicle department and a daycare center are also scheduled, with special attention to speed bumps and one-way streets.
Nervous Breakdown (6 credits)
Taken only with the permission of the instructor. In part one, students will write and perform a thirty-minute monologue, dramatizing every single thing that has ever bothered them, from diaper rash to tuition increases. In part two, they will imagine and act out irritating incidents that have never actually happened to anyone (but could possibly happen), and how they would react to them. Participants will be graded based on eye twitching, hyperventilation, elevated blood pressure, and dangerously-high heart rates achieved. Near-death experiences will qualify students for the post-graduate program.
Mostly Bright Ideas 
cooperstownersincanada
July 14, 2010
Ingenious! I hope these blog entries become a book one day. At the risk of being too positive, this is an excellent read 🙂 Or should I say 😦
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bronxboy55
July 14, 2010
Thanks, Kevin. I told you, we can make a deal. I’ll plan on a book if you publish one on Canadian baseball.
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willacepn
October 23, 2011
I think what the trick question should be is: Why are these 2 students and their teacher suffering from the list of common ailments? Answer: Professor teaching the wrong group of students while the students are taking the wrong class.
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Julia Harris
July 14, 2010
i think we’d make a hilarious teaching duo. only problem is, if both of us are “bad” cop, who would be “good cop”? Would students aim to succeed in our classes, as in have marvelously effective nervous breakdowns and spend a lot of time duct taping children to walls at the daycare center, or would it be best for them to fail miserably and thus “succeed” more at being a viable human rather than a horrible one? I really like what you’ve come up with for the curriculum; what kind of electives should we have, and what about independent study options?
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bronxboy55
July 15, 2010
There are already too many viable human beings around, and look where it’s gotten us. We need people to get this, and get it quickly. I don’t think we can afford any good cops.
The electives would have to be low-key, maybe offering some coping skills. Remember, these are just students we’re talking about, many with no experience at this kind of thing. How about “Counting to 100″ and “Deep Breathing Exercises” and “Turning Those Homicidal Thoughts into Useful Household Items”? Or maybe a kickboxing program.
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Amiable Amiable
July 15, 2010
I’d love to read your ideas about internships!
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bronxboy55
July 15, 2010
That’s actually a great idea. So often there are just too many outrageous things going on at once, and it would be helpful to have interns to send out on assignment. I would probably start them off handing out pre-printed suggestions to selected drivers at red lights or in parking lots. Or getting the interns to call the local radio station to tell them to stop playing that Elton John song, the one they play every single day at exactly 2:35 in the afternoon. Or maybe having a word with those thoughtful people who eat an entire fast-food meal in their cars and then drive away, leaving the bags, wrappers, and cups on the ground.
The possibilities are endless. Believe me.
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Brown Sugar Britches
July 26, 2011
i’m sad i missed the fall 2010 semester. i suggest a new list of courses for fall 2011 to be accompanied with syllabi and book demands. i’m hoping this is the semester that addresses “the use of the word ‘like'”, “understanding teen fashion” and “how many acronyms is too many?”. sign me up, teach!
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bronxboy55
August 8, 2011
Sign you up? I was going to suggest that you teach those courses yourself. I’ll be sitting in the front row.
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gingerjudgesyou
February 2, 2012
Very clever. I’m planning an off, off, off Broadway one woman show called “People piss me off.” Definitely feeling this post. My boyfriend says I have 2 speeds: normal and angry, guess which one I am most often?
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2012
You’re probably angry at me for this inexcusably late response. Did you ever do the one-woman show?
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gingerjudgesyou
November 29, 2012
Not at all!! I’ve been seriously neglecting my blog lately. Now that winter is setting in, I’ll probably get back to it for lack of anything else to do. How sad is that? My one woman show is a pipedream and more of a joke that anything else 😉
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Wyrd Smythe
January 25, 2013
You know those people who say, “Don’t be a hater!”
I hate them most of all.
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bronxboy55
February 6, 2013
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of people say, “It’s all good.” Really?
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Wyrd Smythe
February 6, 2013
That’s an expression I particularly despise! The, “Don’t be a hater” one I do on many levels agree with (I just have a hard time putting it into play, so I joke).
But, “It’s all good,” to me is just an empty-headed statement from morons with no clue what is good and what isn’t. It’s the battle cry of a world sunk so far into ignorance, stupidity and gross incompetence that very little is really good any more, and so we all comfort each other that the stinking, germ-filled, ball pit of reality these days is “all good.”
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