We’re on our third teenager. We’ve mostly survived the process of raising two daughters and now our son is about to turn sixteen. One of the things we’ve learned along the way is that teens seem to have a limited assortment of comments and questions. I’ve compiled some of the things that teenagers say in real life:
We’re out of cereal again.
Where’s my wireless game controller?
Is it okay if me and my friends make a bonfire in the backyard?
Can I get my chin pierced?
I don’t get why I have to be home that early.
My PS3 won’t go online because it can’t find the IP address. What’s the default code for the router?
I need pants.
Get OUT of my ROOM.
I don’t have any homework. No, wait, I mean I finished it on the bus.
Out of all my friends, I’m the only one who’s not allowed to go.
You paid to rent this movie? I downloaded it for free last week.
Are these the only kind of chips we have?
Our computer’s a piece of junk.
Did anyone want that last doughnut?
I told you: There’s nothing going on.
There’s a video of this guy turning a squirrel inside out. It has three million views. You gotta see it.
I just remembered, I have a test today and I didn’t study. Can you write me a note?
What do you MEAN there’s school? It was supposed to snow.
There’s nothing to eat in this house.
What are you TALKING about?
It’s pathetic that you don’t trust your own child!
Can we get a trampoline?
Why do I have to go?
This is so STUPID.
To balance things out, my subconscious mind has created a fantasy world in which teenagers say other things. Soothing, cooperative, respectful things. The kinds of things that could make a parent feel hopeful and optimistic, and that it was all worth it. Here, then, are a few of the more memorable things teenagers say in my dreams:
Whatever we’re having for dinner would be fine.
It feels a little chilly today. Would it be all right if I wore my winter coat, the one with the hood?
Could you wake me up at eight? I was going to mow the lawn tomorrow and wanted to get an early start.
Dad, how was your day? What’s new, Mom?
Maybe I should get some shirts that don’t have skulls or dead rock stars on them.
It’s rude to text my friends while I’m eating dinner with my parents, and I just won’t do it.
Do we have any movies that don’t involve killing or violence of any kind?
Three people called while you were out. I wrote down their names and phone numbers.
I think I should wait an extra year before I start driving.
There’s a documentary on tonight about the Renaissance. Want to watch it with me?
I think it would be appropriate if once in a while, I let you complete a sentence.
Hi, I’m calling to let you know I’m at Brandon’s house. His parents are here. Do you want to talk to them?
What time does the library open?
I’ve had enough pizza. There are other people here and maybe they’re hungry, too.
I’m tired of this iPod. Let’s talk about something.
Thank you.
I’m sorry.
Let me help you with that.
This is delicious.
I see your point.
(Well, I said I was dreaming, didn’t I?)
Mostly Bright Ideas 
cooperstownersincanada
July 2, 2010
Nice work. I think this blog entry is better than almost anything you read in a parenting magazine. The question is, is your son reading this? And can he use your fantasy world suggestions to his advantage? 🙂 Great work.
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bronxboy55
July 2, 2010
Well now we’re both dreaming!
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Amiable Amiable
July 2, 2010
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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shoreacres
July 6, 2010
Truly amusing – and proof positive that (as the saying goes) the more things change, the more they stay the same. I counted thirteen teen statements that were made in a certain Iowa household between 1960-1964. Verbatim, I tell you.
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bronxboy55
July 6, 2010
Sorry, shoreacres, but I refuse to believe that you would have ever said any of those things.
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Marie M
July 8, 2010
OUCH! [That was me bumping back down to earth after reading what’s in your dreams. I think I had an out-of-body experience as I read that second list . . . . suddenly everything around me drifted away and a smile appeared on my face as I imagined hearing some of those remarks coming out of the mouth of one or another of my children. (This past February, when our oldest turned 20, we went from having four teenagers to having only three. Perhaps under those conditions a parent’s occasional out-of-body experience is understandable, if not downright essential.) I believe I will direct all four of them–and their father–to this post, with a subject heading for the kids of either “Hint, Hint!!” or “What Goes Around Comes Around.” Thanks for a great post.]
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bronxboy55
July 8, 2010
Thanks for the nice comment. Speaking of “what goes around,” it’s fascinating to listen to our daughters (now in their mid-twenties) complain about how annoying teenagers are. Most of their complaints involve things they did, not so long ago. Does your memory get wiped clean somehow when you hit twenty-one? Maybe ours did, too.
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Rose
July 14, 2010
I couldn’t help but laugh. It must be the age. My son is 16 too.
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bronxboy55
July 14, 2010
The more I listen to other parents, and the more I read, the more I believe that most of this stuff is normal and that we’re really going to come out on the other side in one piece. At least that’s what I’m telling myself this week. Stay strong.
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Rose
July 14, 2010
“There’s a video of this guy turning a squirrel inside out. It has three million views. You gotta see it.” Need I ask? WT? lol
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Jac
November 11, 2010
I’m proud to say that I actually understand what the default code for the router is.
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bronxboy55
November 12, 2010
So do I. Why don’t we explain it to each other? You go first.
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cjblack1992
October 16, 2011
i loved reading this. being a teenager myself. (well just getting out of my teenage years)
this entry was both truthful and funny. and i dont know about your two teenage daughters. but it all ends when you take them to college and they have to realize that everything you are doing for them was for a reason. they might not say thank you, but they will eventually show appreciation.
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2011
They have, CJ. I think it’s hard to appreciate our parents until we live apart from them for a while. Thank you for the wonderful comment.
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Teenage Saint
October 24, 2011
I am the teenager of your dreams.
No really, I am not joking! 🙂
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2012
This is a new record for late reply. Sorry!
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Val
December 11, 2011
“Out of all my friends, I’m the only one who’s not allowed to go.”
I remember saying this to my mum and dad about the Isle of Wight rock festival in 1970. Mind you, my best friend said it to her mum, too…
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bronxboy55
October 27, 2012
That’s exactly how the trick works, Val. Each child tries to make their parents feel as though they’re being cruel and unfair.
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