If I appear to be obsessed with movies, I’m not. I have a few favorites (maybe fifteen), but I’m really too analytical and picky to just relax and enjoy the show. If one little thing doesn’t make sense, it blows the whole thing for me. Also, my mind wanders, so I have a tendency to get lost in the middle of a film and spend the second half wondering which turn I missed. Almost always, I leave with questions, loose ends, contradictions, and other thoughts no one around me really wants to hear.
These personality defects are nothing new, by the way. Even as a young child, I must have been bothering my mother with irritating questions about television programs; I can remember her saying to me, on more than one occasion, “Because then there wouldn’t be a show.” For example, I no doubt had offered numerous suggestions for how Gilligan and his friends could be rescued, and would nearly lose my mind when they blew an opportunity by doing something stupid or simply missing the obvious.
I’ve pretty much left television behind, but have seen quite a few movies since then. My questions now tend to be general, based more on patterns within movie types rather than on specific scenes or even individual films. (I was going to suggest that I’m now more focused on the big picture, but that would be lame, so I won’t say it.)
Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.
• In martial arts movies, why do the bad guys always take turns attacking the good guy? They all want to take his head off, but they’re so polite about it. It reminds me of the girls who jumped rope when I was a kid, and how they’d line up to get into the jump one at a time. It seems to me that no matter how skilled the hero is at punching and kicking, if eight or nine men piled on and pummeled him, he’d be in big trouble.
• In romantic comedies, why doesn’t anyone ever get upset when a wedding is canceled? Hundreds of people are dressed up, waiting for the ceremony to start, and either the bride or groom backs out because they suddenly realize they love that other person (the one you were rooting for from the beginning). The guests have just wasted days of travel and money on airline tickets, and somebody has spent thousands of dollars on music and food. Yet nobody yells. At our house, if we have to go back home after more than two minutes in the car because someone forgot their wallet, there’s yelling.
• In science fiction films, why do aliens from other galaxies speak English, but the scientists from Russia and Japan don’t?
• In sports movies, how does the really pathetic (but lovable) team suddenly get good? They go from being unable to do anything right to being flawless. The opposing team, meanwhile, is unbeatable at first, but then seems to forget how to play. I sometimes find myself rooting for the unlovable team, out of fear that all of the laws of nature are unraveling before my eyes.
• In horror films, why does the woman, alone at night, always go up to the attic to see what that scary noise was? Shouldn’t she wait for morning, or call the police, or at least turn on all the lights in the house? When I’m alone at night and I hear a strange noise, I get in the car and go for a long drive.
• In gangster films, why are the guys with the machine guns incapable of hitting anything? And why don’t the good guys ever have the machine guns?
• In movies like The Da Vinci Code, why doesn’t anyone say to Tom Hanks, “Hey, aren’t you Forrest Gump?” I mean, Forrest Gump is a famous movie, and if any of the other characters in The Da Vinci Code went into a video store, they’d see Forrest Gump on the shelf, and when they watched it, they’d have to notice that this guy who’s bothering everybody with his nosey questions is really just an actor, and then they could all just go back to whatever they were doing.
• In true stories, the opening title used to say, “Based on a true story.” The phrase seemed to suggest that what you were about to see actually happened. Then they changed the title to “Inspired by a true story.” This broadened things out a bit, so they could mix in truth and fiction in any proportions they wanted. I found this intriguing. I imagined the screenwriter saying to a friend, “Hey, Joey, thanks for telling me about that thing that happened to your uncle. I found it so inspiring that I made up a whole new story of my own.” The latest title, I think, is “Inspired by actual events.” We seem to be moving steadily toward: “Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t. Whose business is it anyway?”
• In the credits, what does AND mean? It’ll say “Jack Nicholson.” “Sally Field,” followed by the rest of the cast, including “Bank Customer Number 3.” Then at the very end, it’ll say “AND Michael Caine,” almost as though he was an afterthought, even though he plays one of the main characters. Sometimes they use WITH instead of AND, another interesting distinction. Do they have meetings about which to use?
• A final question: On movie posters and DVD covers, why don’t they always make sure to match the names with the pictures? Here, look:
Mostly Bright Ideas 
cooperstownersincanada
June 28, 2010
Nicely done. I watch movies with an analytical mind as well. I’ve had similar thoughts about martial arts movies and as a sports writer, I feel the same way about the cliched underdog teams. That’s what makes a TV show like Friday Night Lights so wildly refreshing. The team you’re cheering for doesn’t always win. And that’s life!
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bronxboy55
June 28, 2010
I’ve heard of Friday Night Lights, but have never seen it. Maybe I’ll check it out.
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Mitch
June 29, 2010
What, I’ve got to answer everything for you? LOL
1. They take turns because they don’t want to get hit inadvertently by one of their buddies. When one learns martial arts (so I assume), they forget how to fight like a gang.
2. They all get upset, it’s just that they’re not often the main character, so we don’t get to see them later in the evening crying and all and having someone saying they looked like a dummy (aka the very first show of Sanford & Son).
3. Because aliens from other galaxies, who are far more advanced than we are, have created these things called Universal Translators; don’t you watch Star Trek?
4. Because the bad teams suddenly remember they’re a team and not a bunch of individual misfits. Teams can do remarkable things once they realize they’ve achieved a symbiosis. That plus without it happening, why would we continue watching?
5. On this one, I have to say that it must be a “white” thing. Black people always ask that question, along with why folks in these movies (almost all white, by the way) will go downstairs in the dark if the power goes out. Wouldn’t ever be me; I’d grab a lamp or something and hide in a corner waiting to see if someone comes into the room so I’d at least have a shot at a fair fight. Oh yeah, if someone had been killed earlier in the movie, I’d have already left.
6. This one is easy; because lots of bullets sound like a good thing, but the reality is that machine guns are only accurate, so to speak, because they’re good at taking out a lot of people without actually having to aim at anything. Most people aren’t ever proficient with machine guns; good guys know this, bad guys don’t.
7. Ah, you’ve made the improbable leap. Since all characters are fiction, you’d have to have them know about all other fictional characters. In this case, Forrest Gump was known for football at Alabama, ping pong, and running; those things probably aren’t all that popular in Italy and France. Actually, they’re not all that popular here. lol
8. This one wasn’t a question but a point of view, so I’ll just agree.
9. Actually, they do have meetings on these types of things. Before an actor appears in things like movies or TV shows, part of the negotiations are where their names will be placed. Many actors actually like that “last but not least” thing. Weird, eh?
10. Because they figure if you don’t know who it is you’re coming to see, then you’re just coming for the movie itself and it doesn’t matter. And, if you’re actually wondering, Catherine Zeta Jones’ name is actually higher than Renée Zellweger’s name because she was considered the star.
Hope that helps ease your mind some; whew! lol
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Wyrd Smythe
January 25, 2013
You wouldn’t believe some of the negotiations behind credits. The order is hugely scrutinized and generally based on current market value (and how good your agent is). Even the space between names in the final crawl can be negotiated. (Notice sometime how there can a large blank area setting off the names behind some job house that did the CGI. It gives those names more prominence.)
That “and” or “also staring” or “and introducing”… those all have specific meanings and defined prominences. It’s like many things in life; those who get into it have developed a deep, rich protocol of nuance and meaning.
As for the martial arts thing, think about it. What Mitch said is very true, you do want to let the current attacker have space for his attack. But more importantly, you’re fighting the hero, and you just have to know he’s going to kick your ass and break your bones. What’s the hurry wading in?
And I also used to laugh at how poor marksmanship seemed to be… until I got into shooting and discovered just how hard it is even under calm circumstances.
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bronxboy55
June 29, 2010
Thanks, Mitch. You worked much harder at that than I did. I think you should take the rest of the day off!
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Mitch
June 29, 2010
Charles, I work just for you! 😀
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bronxboy55
June 29, 2010
In that case, take the rest of the week off!
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absurdoldbird
June 29, 2010
I have another question that you didn’t ask:
How come characters in a movie almost never go to the bathroom? What do they do, pee when it rains and they think nobody’s looking?
Great post. My dad used to ask these sorts of questions. Nobody ever answered them, so he continued to crack peanuts on a clangy metal tray.
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Amiable Amiable
June 30, 2010
All valid points and questions! Wish I had some answers. About the “true stories.” One of my favorite movies is “Fargo.” And, because the Coen brothers included a bit about the film being based on a true story, I found it that much more appealing. Not for the violence. But because it was so unbelievable that people from North Dakota or Minnesota could ever commit such horrid crimes, let alone jaywalk. Then, I saw an interview with the siblings in which they said that the movie wasn’t based on a true story at all! That’s taking creative license too far! UFFDA! One last thing, do not EVER see the movie “The Fourth Kind.” It will infuriate you.
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bronxboy55
June 30, 2010
“The Fourth Kind.” I’ve never heard of it, but now you’ve made me curious. Let me guess: It’s about a talking dog who travels through time to help a terrible baseball team win the World Series, then is killed by a ghost when he follows his owner up to the attic, but returns from the dead as Hooch and causes Tom Hanks to cancel his own wedding. Am I close?
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Nonstepmom
October 19, 2011
Do you drive your wife/family nutz? Few people will watch movies with me because I notice when a character has two shirt buttons undone in one scene but one button in the next. Or when you see people eating yet the plate continues to look the same. my high school counselor failed to tell me “movie editing” was a viable option & now my family has fallen prey.
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bronxboy55
October 20, 2011
I do notice things others don’t, and often it will ruin the entire movie for me. I try to keep my mouth shut, though, not because I’m considerate, but because no one else really cares.
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buckwheatsrisk
February 29, 2012
Why is it that someone in a movie can get punched and beaten and shot and stabbed and still walk away as though nothing happened? This always bugs me…one punch and I’d be out!
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bronxboy55
November 2, 2012
The Rocky movies are a great example of that.
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