On busy days I make lists of the things I need to do. Sometimes I add something to the list that I’ve already done, just so I can cross it off. This makes me feel productive and neurotic at the same time.
When taking a shower, I’ll drop the soap. If I’m trying to get finished quickly, I’ll drop the soap several times. In fact, the more of a hurry I’m in, the more times I’ll drop the soap.
I wait impatiently for something to toast. Five minutes may go by before I notice the toaster isn’t plugged in.
I wave to someone, then realize they’re waving to the person behind me. I immediately decide the only logical solution is to never wave to anyone ever again.
Sometimes I choke on absolutely nothing. This is somewhat more frightening than tripping over nothing. And it’s slightly less confusing than asking someone to repeat what they just said and having them answer, “I didn’t say anything.”
When I’m trying to walk across a busy street, I find that the drivers are rude and inconsiderate. But as soon as I get into my car, I get really annoyed at all those pedestrians trying to cross the street.
I prepare speeches for certain situations, such as when I’m expecting someone to give me a hard time. Then when they’re perfectly agreeable and accommodating, I’m a little disappointed that I won’t be able to use the speech.
I lose my wallet so completely that I can’t imagine ever being able to intentionally hide it that well.
When the power goes off, I still try to turn on the light in the bathroom, and then I’m momentarily surprised that it stays dark. Even if I remind myself on the way in, I still automatically flip the switch.
I occasionally walk around all day with a fabric softener sheet hanging out of the bottom of my pants. That night I mentally retrace my steps, trying to remember who might have seen me. Then I add a new item to tomorrow’s list: “Check pants before leaving house.”
Mostly Bright Ideas 
heidit
June 15, 2010
I LOVE it! I have to admit, I do a few of those things, too. The list thing I do all the time. I’ll add five or six minor things to a long list because I’ve already done them and I can cross them off. I don’t think it’s neurotic. Neurotic is adding “write list” to your list and then crossing it off. You’re still a step away from that.
I also prepare speeches for situations and get disappointed when I can’t use them. More disappointing, though, is when I CAN use them but I forget them.
I’m always angry at either pedestrians or drivers, whichever one I don’t happen to be at the time. I have also sworn off waving forever after having waved at someone who was not waving at me. I tend to forget my waving ban just in time to yet again wave at someone who doesn’t know me. It’s a vicious cycle.
Thanks for this post. It made me smile. Now, I have to go and add “Read and comment on Mostly Bright Ideas” to my list so I can cross it off. 🙂
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bronxboy55
June 15, 2010
Forgetting to use the speeches is exactly why I prepare them. Whenever I’m in any kind of confrontation, I always come up with the perfect thing to say. But it’s usually about six hours too late, and the other person has either gone to bed or left town. The speech means I’m ready. Maybe you need to put it on your list. You could even put “Start argument” on your list, then just move down to the speech. (Which also means you get to cross off two things.)
I’m heading over to The Happy Freelancer to see what’s going on there.
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absurdoldbird
June 27, 2010
Yeah, when the power goes off, I’m always surprised I can’t turn on the light. Even worse is knowing that when the lights in hall are tripped, the kitchen ones still work and I go looking for a flashlight in there, in the dark.
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bronxboy55
June 28, 2010
I sometimes try to turn on the computer, too. We really are creatures of habit.
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Julia Harris
July 13, 2010
“Check pants before leaving home.”
Perfect.
I often worry when I feel too comfortable in my clothes, that I have in fact forgotten to put any on before leaving the house. I have a moment of panic, like in one of those dreams where you show up at school or work totally naked, before I give myself a patdown and realize, with a sigh of relief, that I am fully clothed. It is a real problem sometimes.
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bronxboy55
July 13, 2010
I’ve never had the naked at school dream. But at least once a month I have the one where I’m at school and it’s the day of the final exam and I haven’t been to class in weeks and haven’t studied. It must have something to do with feeling unprepared in general. Do you ever dream that all of your teeth are falling out? I have that one so often that in the dream I think, man, after all the times I’ve had this dream, now it’s really happening! And then I wake up and it’s such a relief. But at the same time, that dream makes me wonder if there’s something seriously wrong with my mind. My teeth have never all fallen out, so why do I keep dreaming they do? I’m pretty sure you’ve never actually left the house without any clothes on, so why would you have that thought? I think there’s probably something wrong with your mind, too.
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Julia Harris
July 14, 2010
how nice of you to think there may be something wrong with my mind — do you begin all new friendships by saying things like this? 🙂
i do dream about my teeth falling out, which is really odd and even more strange that you have the same dream. in my dream there’s another permutation wherein i am actually chewing on my own teeth and thereby causing them to fall out. what up with that?
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bronxboy55
July 15, 2010
“how nice of you to think there may be something wrong with my mind — do you begin all new friendships by saying things like this?”
Given that I said it to you, how many friendships could we possibly be talking about?
And yes, now that you mention it, I also dream I’m chewing on my teeth. It seems to be the way our minds go from dreaming about some normal activity (eating) to the abnormal one (our teeth falling out). Psychiatrists would call this a bridge, while dentists would see it as a need for one. (Sorry.)
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Julia Harris
July 15, 2010
you are so funny. i guess that means there really is something wrong with my mind, that i enjoy your comments so much. oh well. here’s hoping neither of us lose or eat our own teeth any time soon.
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Jac
November 10, 2010
Can I write LOL, since I really did laugh out loud? I choke on nothing all the time and I can’t help but think “who could possibly be stupider than I am?” I always write my “speeches” ahead of time and I often write things on my list that I’ve done, just to cross them off. The funniest thing is the part about dropping the soap more often, based on how late I am. That’s when I think “who could possibly be more uncoordinated than I am?”
I think we are identical twins, of different genders, born 3 years apart. Thanks for the laughs.
PS – PLEASE move to Pagosa!!!!
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bronxboy55
November 10, 2010
I’ve always thought you and I were the most alike. About moving, you’ll have to discuss that with my wife.
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Margaret Reyes Dempsey
February 24, 2011
This choking on nothing is getting to be a real issue. At least I don’t feel alone anymore. I’m always choking. I think it’s because all through my childhood my aunt would flinch and scream, “don’t give her that, she’ll choke.” Jeez. When I’m home alone and eating, I sometimes do a mental “what if” and imagine different ways I could dislodge food from my throat on my own. I noticed these “what if” scenarios increased after I had my son. You should see the elaborate plan I have in mind if my car ever accidentally goes over the side of a bridge.
By the way, Charles…soap on a rope…it’s not just for prison anymore. 🙂
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bronxboy55
February 28, 2011
I do the “what-if” plans, too. If that burglar ever does walk in on me, he’s going to be unpleasantly surprised. Sounds like another blog post topic.
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Brown Sugar Britches
July 20, 2011
choke on nothing, trip over nothing? oh, lord. this post just made me choke on absolutely nothing. lol. my goodness, Charles, you really know how to make me come undone. i’m always here, sitting composed, reading quietly and clamly and then BAM!!! an all out tearful guffaw! i love this.
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bronxboy55
July 25, 2011
Thanks, BSB. I’m always a little stunned to see how short (and concise) these older posts were. I think I need to strive for that again.
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