I am announcing a voluntary cease-fire, followed by my surrender to the dandelions that have now overrun and completely taken over our lawn. We’re still working out the details of the agreement, but I have consented to stop the futile pulling of random weeds, as well as the application of pathetically expensive and ineffective lawn fertilizer. I also have to turn over all pluckers, spreaders, and spray bottles, and our shed must remain accessible at all times to the garden tool inspection team.
The dandelions, for their part, have agreed that they will not occupy any additional land, an offer that seems somewhat pointless, as there is no land left. A small surviving patch of grass will be allowed to quietly live out its life under some evergreen trees in a back corner of the property.
As a further concession, the dandelions have also promised to stay out of the house. I have to remind myself that it was just one year ago when the weeds signed our last peace treaty, assuring me they would never invade the front lawn. (In an attempt to justify crossing that border, the dandelions accused me of stockpiling herbicide and white vinegar, a suspicion which I maintained was based on faulty intelligence. The weeds, of course, took that the wrong way.)