This is my response to those positive thinkers who keep telling me there’s no such word as can’t. Yes, there is, and if you keep saying it, I’ll come up with another list. That I’m sure I can do.
I can’t run faster than a cheetah. I can’t lift the space shuttle. I can’t iron a shirt (not a T-shirt, the other kind with a real collar and buttons on the cuffs). I can’t shave with my feet. I can’t amputate my own arms (one maybe, but not both). I can’t see through lead. I can’t leap tall buildings. I can’t move furniture with my mind (I’ve tried; it doesn’t work). I can’t reach the frisbee on the roof. I can’t eat with my ears. I can’t beat Jack Dempsey in a boxing match. I can’t bring Jack Dempsey back from the dead so I can challenge him to a boxing match. I can’t walk to the Philippines. I can’t fool any of the people any of the time. I can’t think about one song while listening to another. I can’t whistle, raise one eyebrow, or do any of those weird things people do with their tongues. I can’t cut with scissors in my left hand (I don’t know why, but I can’t). I can’t make it rain. I can’t cause a lunar eclipse. I can’t remember something I thought of five minutes ago, but didn’t write down because I was sure I’d remember it. I can’t travel faster than the speed of light (and to be honest, it isn’t even close). I can’t perform a root canal. I can’t swallow broccoli and keep it down. I can’t get my pants on over my boots. I can’t get my pants off after trying to get them on over my boots. I can’t sing Italian opera, or much of anything else for that matter. I can’t get my cat to help with the dishes. I can’t get the pope to return my phone calls. I can’t get the ATM at my bank to give me Australian dollars or Japanese yen. I can’t borrow all of the books at the library at the same time. I can’t fit my entire body into an empty milk carton. I can’t tune a piano. I can’t build an actual-size replica of Mount Rushmore out of lint. I can’t rename other countries. (Well, I could, but no one would listen.) I can’t memorize the Houston yellow pages. I can’t get rid of dandelions. I can’t overturn decisions by the Lithuanian Supreme Court. I can’t find any receipt that I need. I can’t run through a brick wall. I can’t drive a bus around a sharp corner, even in my mind. I can’t solve my Rubik’s Cube (the one I’ve had since 1980). I can’t communicate telepathically with a horse. I can’t knit a sweater, at least one that anybody would wear. I can’t put up wallpaper. I can’t change the outcome of the Hungarian Civil War of 1526. I can’t find Amelia Earhart. I can’t find Jimmy Hoffa. I can’t even find my wallet, and it was just here.
Brown Sugar Britches
July 2, 2011
i can’t say Worcestershire. for the life of me i can’t. my left hand is more than worthless. outside of typing and helping in the kitchen it can’t do anything.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
July 5, 2011
I can’t say particularly, and am always amazed by people who can say it so easily. In fact, I usually don’t hear anything they say after that, because I’m too busy being amazed by that one word.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Val
September 25, 2011
I can’t stop grinning and thinking how wonderful your posts are! 🙂
LikeLike
bronxboy55
October 19, 2011
You really went all the way back with this one, Val. Sorry it took me so long to reply. Thank you!
LikeLike
Terri O.A.
December 1, 2011
Love this post.
LikeLike
An Idealist Thinker
January 17, 2012
Wowww.. you were brilliant from the beginning !
The cartoons have been added over time.. and they are brilliant too!
You are truly gifted, Charles.. God bless you.
( P.S. – My husband solved the rubik’s cube once. Since then, he takes one along everywhere 🙂 )
LikeLike
mcgulotta
April 9, 2012
This is definitely original.
LikeLike
Sandra Parsons
July 18, 2012
I can’t understand why I didn’t go back and read this sooner. It’s simply adorable! How long did it take you to assemble this list?
LikeLike
bronxboy55
July 18, 2012
I’d like to say it took me a long time, but I think it was about thirty minutes. And that’s with a bathroom break and two snacks. Also, I cut some of it to make the post shorter (I worried about word count back then). This had to be one of my first posts, and it’s pretty late where you are. Can’t sleep?
LikeLike
bronxboy55
July 18, 2012
Oh, it was my first post! It’s interesting that I wrote about renaming countries in this one, too. Mildly interesting, anyway.
LikeLike
Sandra Parsons
July 19, 2012
Yeah, I decided to go back and read some off your earlier writings, seeing how much the current stuff amuses and relaxes me before I go to zzzzleep.
As to the time, I think it was about 11 at night which, considering that the little parasite demands his afternoon nap, isn’t all too late. I also fell asleep before I could finish reading the next post. But that’s got nothing to do with the quality, I’m sure 🙂
LikeLike
Wyrd Smythe
January 22, 2013
Oh, come on! Did you even try to find Amelia Earhart or Jimmy Hoffa??
I can’t swallow the speed of light or go faster than broccoli, either.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 23, 2013
I spent an entire afternoon looking for Jimmy Hoffa, and also watched the movie, Amelia. Did you even try to go faster than broccoli?
LikeLike
Wyrd Smythe
January 23, 2013
Every time my mom served it! That’s how I know I can’t outrun it.
Oh, and as for the Rubik’s cube, that’s easy. You just peel off the colored stickers and put them back on the right way. Cube solved! You can also pry the pieces apart and re-assemble the cube correctly. I’m a big believer in alternate problem solving methods!
LikeLike
bronxboy55
January 24, 2013
I’ve actually done both of those things with a Rubik’s Cube. Peeling the stickers off doesn’t work as well, because they don’t stick back on completely and then everyone can tell. Maybe I should have just bought two cubes and practiced my sleight of hand.
LikeLike
Wyrd Smythe
January 24, 2013
Two cubes! GREAT idea!!
LikeLike
marymtf
February 5, 2013
It’s obvious that in the beginning there was the List. I think I’ll go home and write my own.
LikeLike
bronxboy55
February 6, 2013
This was just a taste, Mary. My list is endless.
LikeLike
icedteawithlemon
October 21, 2014
Thanks for the late, early-morning giggles–and thank you, as always, for the inspiration. Norman has repeatedly scolded me to stop saying “I can’t,” so I may have to come up with my own list to prove to him, once and for all, that there really are a few billion things beyond my abilities.
LikeLike